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HUH? I WAS VERY confused by the revelation last week that two of the most prominent lesbian bloggers in the world were guys. I didn’t even realize men could BE lesbians.
One of the males, a married 40-year-old academic in Scotland, said it was “a mistake”.
Why didn’t his wife correct him? “Darling, you’re not a lesbian, you’re an imbecile, which is Latin for ‘husband’.”
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Also confusing was the news that a Mexican brewery has launched a gay beer, Purple Hand, which they plan to export to Asia. How can a beer be gay? Does it blend only with other similar beers? Is it fruity? Does the color of the bottle cap match the color of the label?
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The last question is relevant as a gay friend of mine told me visual awareness is the key difference. Heterosexual men have no idea what they look like. Balding guys think they’re hairy, puny guys think they’re hunky, and hideous guys think they’re good-looking.
I asked: “Yeah, but what about us heterosexual guys who actually ARE hairy, hunky and good-looking?”
He folded his arms. “Thanks for proving my point,” he said.
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The complexities of gay politics are big news just now.
Three guys are suing a baseball association in the US because members said they were “not gay enough” for a gay tournament.
This neatly illustrates the difference between east and west. Let’s look up the total number of lawsuits in Asia in which men are upset because someone has accused them of NOT being gay.
Zero + zero + zero + zero, and the grand total, just let me get my calculator out, is…
ZERO. What a surprise.
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But back to the gay beer.
I went to my local bar to do a quick survey, asking beer drinkers: Is your beer
(a) Too gay?
(b) Not gay enough?
(c) Neither gay nor not gay?
(d) So gay it’s a problem?
(e) A bit on the gay side but you’re all right with that?
Carlsberg drinkers opted for (c) but a Budweiser consumer went for (e).
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The most shocking recent incident concerned a young woman in the US state of New Jersey.
At a gym, the attractive 20-year-old (unnamed in press reports) was offered a massage by a male therapist who somehow gave her the impression he was gay. (The charge sheet does not explain how he did that. Perhaps his clothes matched and he was drinking Mexican beer.)
Anyway, he asked for, and received, permission to remove all her clothes and give her an all-over body massage.
Later, she discovered that the 30-year-old guy had a girlfriend—which meant that she had not only been molested but had paid cash for it.
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Lawyers are intrigued because the case hinges on how much the guy enjoyed what he did, which is as hard to measure as just how gay baseball players are.
I can solve the problem with a simple one-question GAY TEST.
The third Transformers film is about to be launched: TWO AND HALF HOURS of robots fighting.
People who enjoy sensitive, sophisticated, intelligent entertainment (women and gay men) will run away screaming.
The rest of us will form a queue.
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