What sort of bosses prefer to employ headless torsos? Lots of them
The 22-year-old native of Uttah Pradesh, India, was sawing through his neck when witnesses called the cops. "Police have registered a case against the man," the Indo-Asian News Service said last week.
Hey, listen up, officers. If this guy thinks cutting off his own head is the best way to spend his day, I doubt if there's anything you can do to him that qualifies as punishment.
But later that day, a thought struck me. What job was he applying for? What sort of employers prefer their staff to be headless torsos?
"Loads of them," said a diner at the coffee shop where I was drinking my lunch.
When pressed, he could think of only one suitable job: "The guy could be a nationalist politician. They don't use their brains."
I felt a curious solidarity with Kumar. Like most people, I often get really annoyed with my head, but have never had the courage to cut it off.
"Shame," said my fellow diners. "It would be an improvement in so many ways."
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Anyway, I had barely finished jotting down his story for my "amazing-but-true" file when a reader sent me a link to an equally bizarre story from China.
A woman got up in the middle of the night and noticed something glowing blue in the kitchen. She went to investigate, and found a bright light coming from a slab of raw meat she'd purchased.
The media was duly summoned and photographed it, confirming that it glowed the rich, deep blue of a summer sky.
Later that day, the Shanghai authorities, prodded for a comment, responded that there was nothing to worry about and it was safe to eat. Yeah, right.
I called a doctor. "What would happen to someone who ate a bit of pork that was bright blue and glowed in the dark?"
She said: "If you want last rites, you should be calling a priest, not a doctor."
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Meanwhile, my fellow diners had identified two jobs where brains were optional: life coach and TV sports commentator.
I came up with another: "Personal shopper. No, wait--anyone stupid enough to employ a personal shopper."
An eavesdropper at the next table said all the jobs mentioned needed mouths, so Kumar would not have been suitable. She said: "The only role I can think of which a person can do better with no mouth is `husband."'
The woman with whom she was lunching said she preferred men with heads. "It would be different if I was married to, say, David Hasselhoff, who is only impressive from the neck down."
In the end, we decided that Kumar was probably planning a career as a hand model.
My companion said he had met one once. And although "she did have a head on her shoulders," he reckoned: "It was clearly empty."
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ON OTHER MATTERS...
I am writing this on the way to Korean International School in Hong Kong where I am spending the morning. If you're in the vicinity, come and say hello...
