Exclusive: Now you can tune in all day to celebrity thoughts
A BIZARRE NEW new habit called Twittering has taken the world's idle rich by storm.
You use your phone or computer to send out a constant stream of short news alerts (called "tweets"), so people know exactly what you are doing at all times of the day or night.
The word "Twitter" is derived from "twit", meaning "moron", and describes the users targeted by the service. (The original name was Pathetic Egomaniacs Anonymous.)
Intrigued by its popularity, I subscribed to the Twitter-streams of famous people. It was surprisingly interesting. Below are some of the more interesting updates.
Twitters of the Dalai Lama:
1. Woke at four am. Decided to spend five hours in prayer.
2. Finished that. Now I'll spend six hours in contemplation.
3. Done that. Feeling bored. To jack up excitement level, will spend eight hours in meditation.
4. Time for bed. Feeling over-excited by action-packed day. Resolve to be less frenetic tomorrow.
Twitters of US Treasury secretary Timothy Geithner:
1. I'm having breakfast. Just got a call. Chrysler wants US$50 billion. Eggs a bit underdone.
2. Now I'm in the office. Send off the US$50 billion. That should hold them for a while.
3. Chrysler just called again. Needs further US$80 billion. Am going to make them wait until I get home.
4. Damn. I'm stuck on the freeway and my Chrysler just died on me. Shoot.
Twitters of Kim Jong Il, leader of North Korea:
1. Woke up. Still feeling cross about missile falling into the sea.
2. I send tweet to my chief engineer: "The sky is so big. How did you miss it?"
3. Chief engineer replies: "Dear Leader, your idea about using kimchee as cut price rocket fuel caused the problem."
4. Feel annoyed. Have him executed for being right.
Twitters of US President Barack Obama:
1. Dogs are so stupid. Bo caught sight of himself in a mirror and barked. Now he's chasing his own tail.
2. White House staff say they have never had such a funny, silly creature here.
3. I say, What about Mr Bush? Staff fall over laughing. Damn, I'm clever.
Twitters of Hu Jintao, President of China:
1. Woke at 6 am. Spent 10 minutes cursing Dalai Lama. Looked at Google Earth. Summoned aides.
2. I pointed to areas surrounding China. Told aides to claim them as parts of the Motherland since time immemorial.
3. Aides did research and informed me that these areas are Tibet, East Turkistan and Taiwan.
4. Aides say we already claimed them as parts of Motherland since time immemorial.
5. I point to other parts of map. Tell aides to claim these.
6. Aides do research. They inform me I have pointed to Australia, a US ocean liner and a soy sauce stain on the monitor.
7. I tell aides to claim them anyway. Can't get good staff these days. I blame fall of communism.
Twitters of Warren Buffett:
1. Woke up. Checked share price. I am now heading to the toilet.
2. Came out of toilet. Decided to check share prices again.
3. Discovered I made US$2 billion profit while I was in toilet. So little? Must be losing my touch.
*
Time to log off from Twitter. Permanently.
