The science of sleep
By Nury Vittachi
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Today, for mums and dads, we are going to talk about one of the biggest challenges of parenthood: getting your children to go to sleep before you do. Or, for some of us, getting them to sleep at all.
For some reason (and I have never seen a parenting book which explains this) children are born with incredible superpowers.
One of my children was an Air Baby. She didn’t need to eat, but grew to gigantic size by extracting nutrients from the air like a hydroponic plant.
Another was a human sponge. Despite her tiny frame, she could store gallons of liquid and produce an entire Lake Michigan in the middle of the night, causing pillows, teddy bears and siblings to float away.
And then there’s Extra Sensory Perception, which they all had. If Mum and Dad ever attempted to lock their bedroom door to enjoy their conjugal rights, they all immediately woke up and screamed for attention.
But most of all, there’s their ability to not sleep. Children are convinced they can do without the stuff. Yet we need to them to nod off, so that we can get a bit of “adult time” to do exciting things parents do, like pay bills and do the washing up.
The tragic thing about this battle is that it is one which all parents eventually lose. It’s just a matter of when.
Age 13 to 18:
Offspring in this age bracket develop superhuman powers of staying up. They can last days, even weeks without sleep. I know teenagers who never go to sleep. There’s nothing you can do about it. Hand them the remote control and go to bed, old-timer.
Age 10 to 12:
This is the transition period. Standard conversations that take place in this age group are as follows:
“Isn’t it time you were in bed? There’s school tomorrow.”
“I’m not tired.”
“That’s the sixth time you’ve yawned.”
“I’m not tired.”
“They why are you lying on the sofa with your eyes shut, drool across your cheek, and your left foot in your dessert?”
Age six to nine:
This is the age when they think they can outlast you but sometimes they can’t. I recall number one daughter falling asleep in the middle of a spirited defence: “I’m not tired, Daddy, I’m not… I’m not… zzzzzz.”
Five and under:
If your child aged three, four or five stays up later than you, you have a problem. I know many parents in Asia who are in this situation. These are the same parents whose children make all the major decisions as to what the family eats, where they go on holiday, when to sell the Nasdaq portfolio, and so on. They are what I call marshmallow parents: soft, sweet and bad for their children’s health. They may be hopeless parents, but on the bright side, their children grow up well suited for jobs which require bossiness and powerful control skills, such as CEO, Prime Minister, mother-in-law and PTA chairperson.
In their defence, it is worth keeping in mind that children see the parental attitude to sleep as absurd. One of my children explained it to me once: “You always make me go to bed when I am not tired! And when I am sleepy, you wake me up!”
Still, there are times when your darling angel will have a nap on her own volition. This leads me to the Law of Inconvenient Naps, which goes like this: A child will only voluntarily go to sleep if the time and place is entirely unsuitable.
You can spend 36 hours trying to persuade Mui-Mui to take a nap to no avail. But as soon as she is in her “flower girl” dress and 475 people are waiting for her to do her stuff so they can begin the wedding, she will enter into a comatose state from which she cannot be woken by anything, including being shouted at, the word “chocolate”, or nuclear weapons.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go to sleep. If this column gets printed, it means one of the kids stayed up and emailed it to the editor.
