Vittachi

Put our names in your column

Request received from students at ISF Academy in Hong Kong: "We'd like to see our names in your famous column. Ethan Chan, Ryan Cheung, Andrew Leong, Kevin Tse, Jeffrey Ho, Joel Lam, Andy Chan, Adrian Wong."

Why adults in Asia love Hello Kitty

A mystery: why are modern Asians so metrosexual?
By Nury Vittachi

Today, this column is going to be much more intelligently written than usual, because the space is being handed over to readers’ letters.
               From reader Lesley Croft: “Why are there so many Asian metrosexuals? I have worked with men who have decorated their desks at work with fluffy bunnies, Moomins and Thomas the Tank Engine. I just don't get it.”
               Reader Dan Kubiske said: “This cuteness thing goes deep. My sister's family is hosting a Japanese 14-year-old as part of a middle school exchange program. The one gift the girl wanted to get for her 20-year-old brother was a Thomas the Tank Engine. My sister and her family were not sure what to make of that. She wrote me and asked if that was normal. I told her it was not. I said I thought the brother would have preferred Hello Kitty.”
               Joe Roces, an Asian-American, wrote that people in the United States assume Asians are either over-achieving geeks or Bruce Lee, which was tough for him, since he was neither: “I suck with computers and everyone thought I was the IT guy the first day of my job.”
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From May Khoo: “Thanks for the article about Englasian. It cures my homesickness. Can you write another one-ah?” From Andrea Wicking: “I am half-Indian, half-Australian, but the Asian in me comes out when I’m back in Malaysia. I start talking just like my relatives.” From Melanie Tan: “Your Asian English passages make me nostalgic for life in Penang. Make me frus only.”
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From Gideon Ip: “I strongly believe that your column should be translated into Asian languages as well. You can get over the difficulties of translating humor if you put some ‘root’ pieces of humour into a dictionary or reference called a Jokasaurus or Funtionary and classify them with numbers and levels. People can then just quote the codes to each other: ‘What if A4 said B12 to C1?’  We should develop some sort of international humour mark-up language.”
               I can see them rolling in the aisles at that, Gideon.  Now who was saying that Asians are over-achieving geeks?
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From Peter Emmett: “Here’s another reason why there won’t be an Asian in the US White House any time soon: Legislation exists making it illegal to chop down the White House trees and concrete its lawn.”
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There were several notes on miscommunication. From Terry Bugden: “We were sitting in the departure lounge of the Phuket International Airport waiting for our flight to be called. Suddenly there was a pinging noise as the public address system came to life and a female voice said: ‘Passengers on Flight TG 478 to Kuala Lumpur should proceed to gate five and have their body parts ready for inspection.’”
      From Sue R: “True story.  A waiter put down a dish in front of a couple of tourists in Hong Kong and said, ‘This is a freaking chicken.’ The couple were surprised at his colloquial language and asked him to repeat himself. ‘It's a freaking chicken,’ he said. Finally, he points to the listing on the menu: African Chicken.”
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From Samantha Wu comes an Asian joke: “Did you hear about the guy who won a competition and the prize was a year’s supply of super-hot Thai chilli sauce? It was one jar.”

Diana: the debate continues

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN star Keira Knightly is being tipped to play Princess Diana in a movie based on the book Diana and the Paparazzi, I heard. The film, I am sure, will be ghastly. But Keira's a good choice, physically -- she has a pretty face with a rather aristocratic British nose.
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In the meantime, reader Richard Cabeza sent me the following letter this morning, continuing our discussion about the princess:
Last year I stayed for six months in Paris and lived about a ten-minute walk from le Pont d'Alama and the Avenue de New York underpass where the incident happened.
      At the intersection, there is a golden flame monument, a reproduction of the torch on the Statue of Liberty.  It was erected by some US organisation---Chamber of Commerce, if memory serves---to commemorate Franco-US relations.  It has nothing to do with Diana and, I believe, considerably predates her death.
     Despite this, the Dianaphiliacs have created a sort of unofficial memorial, littering the area around the monument with various "tributes", even today.
    Pathetic! As are all of the conspiracy theories, assignment of blame to paparazzi, etc.
    First, the paparazzi did not make the driver drive like a loony.  A man on a motorcycle cannot make a car do anything but is effectively at its mercy..  As an old-time biker I can attest to this.
    Secondly they were two self-indulgent fools driven by a drunk. 
    I say fools because they allowed him to be drunk and to drive them---and to drive them at a ridiculous speed. He was their employee.  All they had to do was order him not to drink and order him to drive sensibly.  And fire him if he disobeyed.  One of the reasons for having a driver is to allow one to indulge oneself without fear but it does require that the driver not join in the fun.  Having had a driver in certain overseas posts I can also attest to the value of this.
    Another point not often mentioned is that this is a city street, not a highway.  To drive that fast on a city street, i.e., fast enough to write off a car and kill most of the occupants, is criminally irresponsible and a gross danger to the public. To allow one's employee to do so is equally irresponsible.
      The only person with any sense, the only survivor and the only one with the responsibility and intelligence to don his seat belt, was the bodyguard.
     If nothing else were available, not wearing set belts is alone proof of the stupidity of the other three.
    This was not a tragedy.  It was a sordid little incident.
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Love this cover from the UK magazine Private Eye. Captures the public's self-contradictory feelings about the press very well.

Grants available

[Letters page]

GRANTS AVAILABLE

From James Bettinger:
Do you know an outstanding journalist who would benefit from a year studying at Stanford? The John S. Knight Fellowships for Professional Journalists may enable him or her to do just that. Each year we bring eight international journalists to join 12 U.S. journalists for a year of study and research. Knight Fellows have full access to classes throughout the university, as well as to a series of discussion forums organized just for them. At the conclusion of their year they return to their countries and news organizations, better prepared for the unique challenges of 21st-century journalism. The deadline for international applications is December 15, 2006.General inquiries about eligibility, etc., can be sent to knight-info@lists.stanford.edu or to me directly at jimb@stanford.edu
best regards, James Bettinger
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A desi Nostradamus

Nury,
I just wanted to say thanks for your great work. I was first introduced your work when my wife's mother sent us the Feng Shui Detective as a gift. When I finally visited Hong Kong, I kept reading 'Only In Hong Kong' at night and when gallivanting the next day, kept an eye out as how many of your words came true. I think you are a desi Nostradamus.
    Keep up the great work- you are the logical heir to Douglas Adams.
PS: which means you gotta write a Doctor Who now...come on, the kids would love it...

Joe Roces, Texas

Young poets

Welcome to Santan-Rimer, 15, the latest young poet to join the line-up on Spellcasters, the online publication for young authors.

Making your own music

Hi there Mr Jam; hope you are fizzing along nicely.

A copy of my new album ‘Angels and Demons’ is winging its way to you – well will be when I post it later today. I can’t guarantee the quality of the musicianship – and definitely not the singing! And it was nigh impossible to get the balance with the voice and background music right – so most are too loud or too soft – well – what do you expect for a CD cut in my dining room – or music room, as it’s become! You’ll recognise a few of the songs; all written since 2002 except the “million miles” one which I wrote in the US in 87. There’s a few brand new ones – you can tell, by my more adventurous nature with instruments… and Elliot did the backing to Angel; he’s getting really good with music now, and starting to compose his own stuff. So pleased he did music GCSE as its given him confidence to try things. Anyway – hope you like it.
Linda

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Thank you – I’m delighted with the news. And really looking forward to hearing the album.

I’m intrigued by the idea of “a CD cut in my living room”. Has “gadget society” really evolved to a stage where we can make music at home that actually sounds as good as professional CD?

Tell me, how did you record your songs? Did you play the keyboard and sing at the same time? Or did you do things separately and mix them? Do you use a tape recorder, or a digital recorder, or a computer with recording software?

As you know, I’m a hobby musician myself – I just do it to relax. But I am a bit intrigued as to the possibilities. There’s a few of us in my social group who jam around on guitars, try out harmonies, write songs, etc – and since we are all “grown-ups” it tends to be like The Eagles and The Beatles. But it would be wonderful to make something that sounds as crisp and clear as the latest Madonna CD. If we can do that, I would probably never buy another CD in a shop again.

One problem is that I have this thing about age. I don’t know why, but I have always believed that pop music “belongs” to young people. I always feel faintly embarrassed to be seen with a guitar, now that I am 40-something.

Mr Jam.

I'm writing stories too

I am a student at the Australian Int'l  School and I came to your talk at the HK MAN Literary Festival.  (Is that what it's called?!) 

I thought your talk was really enjoyable, I admire the way you make up funny stories!

Well, to get to the point, I am starting to write some books.  These stories originated at school last year when we had a miscellaneous session where we were allowed to write anything.  My friend Kahlia and I got onto the first story which we wrote really messily in black text, and stuck bandaids all over it!  Then we wrote the second story.  But both of these tales aren't what they were, I added a lot more onto them as they were too short.  I basically just rewrote it to be lots longer!  I'm working on a third one at the moment. 

Alicea

Letters from readers

Dear Mr Jam, Hi again!
I think Eric is getting annoying!Hes not really a computer wiz. He Just lying.See ya!

Melissa
P.s actually, my name is Josephine but i like being called Melissa
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Dear Mr Jam,
My class have got a library copy of 'Dead Eric gets a Virus' and it's being passed round with all the excitement usually reserved for a rare collecting card or the lastest, coolest Gameboy game! In general, students and teachers are approaching both reading and writing with renewed enthusiasm.

Two of the girls are busy writing a school newsletter article about you which I have promised to send to you- they are very excited!

I'm currently enjoying my 3rd foray into the world of C.F. Wong (actually the 2nd in the series) and have begun to take some the feng shui advice to heart. To paraphrase: some people are 'pile people' and some are 'file people' but best of all are the 'throw it away people'. My children were very surprised to walk in to the classroom this morning and witness the results of a well known 'pile person' trying to turn herself into a 'throw it away person'! Some are cynical and feel it won't last while others are thinking of nailing things down.

Aileen

Saw you on TV

Dear Mr. Jam,

Why, in the telly programme [on HongKong TV last week], did you take Toby to the tranny party at the Harilelas house? Now you know that not only do I spend my saturday nights indoors, but also don't have cable!
Moses

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Thanks for the note, Moses. When you've got nothing to do and nowhere to go and no one to visit on a Saturday night --and you're secretly quite pleased about it: that's when you know you have grown up!

As for that TV show, I was instructed to take the presenter to a society party in Hong Kong. It turned out to be hilarious. The really funny thing was that I had a hidden mike under my clothing and a long-distance camera focused on me. I hadn't before realized that people at parties spend most of their time saying rude things about other partygoers; only when they realized everything was being recorded, did they suddenly start to become polite again!