Vittachi

Obama and gang seen from the east

What Asians think of Obama, or actually, our mate Barry

By Nury Vittachi

A journalist from an American magazine called me the other day with a question. “What do Asians think about the present leadership battle in Washington?”

                “Hang on,” I replied. “I’ll ask them.”

                I covered the phone, counted to ten, and then got back on the line. “The people of Asia want to know whether you mean Washington in the Philippines or Washington in South Africa?”

                “Washington DC,” she said. “In the United States.”

                “There’s a Washington in the US, too?” I asked, feigning surprise.

                Now I know it’s mean to tease Americans, but it’s irresistible. (You can play this game too. There’s a New York in England, a Boston in the Philippines and a Baltimore in Ireland.)

                What really amazes me is the assumption that the average commentator on this side of the planet can immediately speak on behalf of all Asians. Why I probably know less than 50 per cent of the four billion people in Asia (unless you count my Facebook friends).

But US journalists think Asia is a tiny town, next to the equally petite towns of Europe and Africa, both of which are on an unimportant island called Outside-the-States.

                The first time I was called upon to speak on behalf of the population of Asia was in 1998, when I was invited to appear live on Fox TV News (Slogan: “All the news that’s fit to broadcast, providing it’s about US celebrities’ sexual misconduct”).

                A panel of experts plus the people of Asia (that was me) had to discuss the Bill Clinton / Monica Lewinsky affair. The other panelists came out with predictable comments about how scandalous it was. The interviewer turned to me. “And what do people in Asia think about this?”

                I put on my guru voice and said: “They approve, because in Asia we believe it is good and right that all powerful men with stressful jobs should have a young concubine to help them relax.”

                “Wow,” said the Fox anchor . “Now that’s a point of view we haven’t heard before.”

                Anyway, the journalistic caller mentioned at the start of this column wanted to know who Asians would vote for in the US election.

                “Hey lady,” I said. “Most of us are not even allowed to vote for our own leaders.”

Yet it’s odd—most Asians to whom I’ve spoken DO have an opinion on that question. Asians, of course, support Barack Obama, who is widely believed to be part-Asian. In fact, despite spending some of his childhood in Indonesia, he is not Asian at all. But he does have black hair and his name does sound sort of Asianish. (Don’t tell anyone that his actual name, in the sense of “what his friends call him”, is, and this is not a joke, “Barry”.)
                Anyway, I don’t think we should let Americans know that we in Asia are more interested in their politics than they are in ours. The journalist on the line clarified her question: “So what do Asians think of Obama?”

                I covered the phone with my hand, counted to ten, and then got back on the line. “They want to know whether you mean Obama in Fukui or Obama in Nagasaki?”

                “Barack Obama,” she said. “Who many people think will soon be occupying the White House in Washington.”

                “I see. Remind me, are we talking about Washington in the Philippines?”

The Stones roll on

Cro-Magnon man is alive and still rocking

By Nury Vittachi

*

Today is the anniversary of the first album released by the Rolling Stones. Brimming with raw creativity, the lads called their record The Rolling Stones. It was followed a year later, and this is not a joke, by an album called The Rolling Stones No. 2.

With regard to singles, they showed the same level of creativity, and their first top twenty hit was actually written for them in ten minutes by their arch-rivals the Beatles (also not a joke).

But unlike the Beatles, the Rolling Stones did not split up, and are still touring today (although most medical authorities think they are dead, but just haven’t stopped moving).

The Stones are famous for being the band which started the tradition that pop singers should behave extremely badly and be in constant trouble with the law, a convention followed religiously by modern stars such as Britney Spears, a young American singer also known as Lindsay Lohan and Amy Winehouse.

The Stones are also famous for being very, very old. The name of the band comes from the fact that when they first started playing, all their instruments were carved from stone.

This was in the middle Neolithic period. Many young fans of today are surprised to see the unusually craggy faces of the band members, not realizing that lead singer Mick Jagger is actually a Cro-Magnon man, while the rest of the band are Neanderthals, although Keith Richards is believed by some to be the last surviving member of the genus Australopithecus from the middle Pliocene Era.

Among the highlights of their career is the US concert in 1969 at which they decided to hire a motorbike gang called the Hells Angels to provide security. A fan became rowdy and the guards promptly stabbed and beat him to death. The Stones thereafter returned to using normal security guards.

Then there was the arrest of Keith Richards in Canada in 1977 for being “in possession of a burnt spoon”. Said object was decreed by the courts as being highly suspicious and prevented the band getting visas from then on.

Eight worst things about being an aging rock star:

1.       Every time you see a pretty groupie, your pacemaker makes the garage door go up.

2.       Most of the names in your little black phone book start with the word “Doctor”

3.       When buying drugs, the pusher embarrasses you by offering a senior citizen discount.

4.       "Getting satisfaction" means you don't need to take your All-Bran today.

5.       The twinkle in your eye is a reflection on your bifocals.

6.       You now get more stuff from the legal pharmacist than the illegal one.

7.       You spend twice as long in the dressing room to look half as good

8.       Instead of the police demanding you slow down, it’s your doctor.

And here’s an official Asian Rolling Stones joke:

Mick Jagger orders a mail order bride from Asia to share his mansion. “She’s only 21,” he boasts to Keith Richards.

                Keith says, “You’re an old man, Mick. You’d better hire a driver who speaks her language too, otherwise she’ll be bored and lonely.”

                “Good idea,” says Mick.

                A year later, Keith and Mick meet up for a concert.

                “How’s your mail order bride from Asia?” Keith asks.

                “Fine,” Mick replies. “She’s pregnant.”

                “And the driver?”

                “She’s pregnant, too.”

Lunch with Jeffrey Archer

Top UK thriller novelist turns out to be an Asian in disguise

By Nury Vittachi

*

Technically, Jeffrey Archer and the person writing this article are both novelists. But we match each other in exactly the same way that, say, Bob Dylan’s Greatest Hits and an evening of me singing karaoke are both, technically, forms of music. One consists of largely-out-of-tune yelling, while the other consists of, no, hang on a minute, perhaps that was a bad choice of simile.

                Actually, the key difference is that Lord Jeffrey has sold more than 100 million books, causing publishers to fall at his feet with kisses, while this columnist has sold more than 100 books, causing publishers to greet me with warm and enthusiastic cries of “Oh no, not him again.”

                Your Humble Narrator is writing this immediately after having lunched with the superstar author. “I need US$40 million,” Lord Sir His Royal Highness Jeffrey, 61, said.  He explained that he had just written a screenplay and wanted 40 mill to make it into a movie. I patted my pockets but explained I’d left my change purse in my other Oxfam suit.

                The novelist was passing through Asia on a book tour to promote his latest novel, which we can safely review thus: “If you liked the previous 13 novels, you will probably like this one, if you didn’t, you probably won’t.” (Always a safe bet.)

                But whatever you think of his novels, Jeffrey Archer’s real life story is a page-tuner. Episodes include accusations of insider trading, plagiarism, perjury and bankruptcy, and the ability to make massive fortunes, lose them, and make them all over again. Look at that list of achievements, and there’s only one possible conclusion: the man’s Asian. He’s gotta be.

                I mean, if you look up “over-achiever” in the Oxford Dictionary, you’ll find a two-word entry: “Jeffrey Archer”. Consider this. The guy has a go at writing novels and writes global bestsellers. He has a go at politics and becomes chairman of the ruling party. He has a go at acting and ends up with a hit show in the West End of London. Had he decided to have a go at making a life-sized replicas of the Himalayas out of Nissin instant noodles, we would now be reading reports of mountaineers snacking their way up to 29,000 feet.

                Of course, there were also The Dark Times, such as the period he spent in jail. But that’s also a standard part of the life story of most great Asians. The truth is, Archer’s biographers make lots of references to mysteries surrounding his parentage. I reckon his real parents ran a curry shop somewhere.

                I was relieved to hear that the superhuman Archer did one thing recently at which he did not over-achieve. He ran a marathon. Although he did make it to the finish line, he was overtaken by a camel, a phone box and a girl walking.

                But the real proof that Lord Sir Reverend Archer is a brilliant, well-bred human being, is that he feigned interest and politely requested a copy of my book, which is no doubt even now hanging in pride of place in his mansion, on a nail in the toilet. Anyway, I’ve decided to write a screenplay about a UK thriller writer who goes to the east and discovers that he is actually Asian. Anyone got US$40 million to spare?

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