Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water…
WATCH IT. THE ASIAN testicle-biter fish may be spreading around the world. No, that’s not a nickname for one of my kids, although it could be.
I refer to the pacu, a large sharp-toothed fish known to give nasty surprises to wading fishermen in Papua New Guinea.
It turned up recently in a river in Ohio, the US papers reported.
I assume some unfortunate redneck went into the water as a baritone and come out singing soprano.
Panicky locals are wondering if it’s safe to go in the water.
It strikes me that entrepreneurial Asians could make good use of these fish.
Last time I was in Indonesia, a shopkeeper tried to persuade me to put my legs in a fish tank where fish would “nibble off the dead skin”. I declined, as I have no idea how much of my body is functionally deceased, but suspect it is a large percentage.
They could make good use of the pacu fish at those sex-change hospitals in Thailand.
“Just sit down in this fish tank for a moment, sir, and when you’re done, report to the cashier’s window.”
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SIGN SEEN at beach in Thailand: “No swimming if you can’t swim.”
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FAT AND POOR? There’s something new to blame: your language. A researcher found that people who speak languages without a future tense (Japan, Germany and China) eat carefully and save wisely.
But people who speak a language with a future tense (such as English) eat too much and don’t save enough. English makes its speakers fail to connect today’s actions with tomorrow’s consequences, researcher Keith Chen concluded in a Yale University report.
Abandon future tense now! If you’re going to dinner tomorrow, say: “Let’s went for a meal 48 hours from yesterday.” You’ll soon be skinnier and richer. That’s because you’ll sound like such a total wacko no one will want to eat with you.
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JP MORGAN Chase revealed that it is asking certain staff to return two years’ pay to the bank.
I had no idea bosses could even do that.
A human resources specialist told me it was only possible if you warned the employees right at the beginning of their contracts. “Here’s your pay, and please don’t spend any of it, as we may want it all back after a few years.”
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AN ARMED RAIDER was in the middle of a shop robbery when his mother turned up.
A Mrs Mitchell of Mississippi, US, snatched the gun out of the hands of her son, 22, scolded him, and marched him out of the store, watched by a stunned cashier.
The whole thing was caught on video (below).
This is one of those cases where the villain has received the ultimate punishment without any help from the courts.
For the rest of his life, this poor robber is going to be interrupted in his work by sniggering bank tellers, shop staff, mugging victims, etc., saying: “Run! Your mommy’s coming.”
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THOUGHT FOR the day: Why do buses go twice as fast when you are running after them than when you sitting on them?
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THE CHANGE ONE LETTER MOVIE CONTEST RESULTS!
LOTS OF VERY funny entries for our rename-a-movie competition. The general standard of entries was brilliant. A small number of people cheated: you can only change ONE LETTER, no exceptions.
I enjoyed all of them.
Thanks hugely to TS, Liftie, Grandpa, Chris, Vince, Bob Palitz, Zyryx, Kim Lytton, Dul, Rafanjr, Papaseed, Lesley O’Hara, SipSip, Duncan Cave, Ape, Seb and everyone else who entered. Here are some of the ones I really liked:
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A VIEW TO A TILL
007 takes on an insane cashier at a 7-Eleven.
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FOR YOUR EWES ONLY
Half man, half ram, Bond in New Zealand. Enough said.
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THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN RUN
A megalomaniac suffers from a strange disease that makes him pee when he's running.
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LIVE AND PET DIE
Bond and his chihuahua have been imprisoned inside an infernal machine that will only allow one of them to escape alive.
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A VIEW TO A KILN
A sinister villain lots to ruin the world economy by destroying the pottery industry.
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DIAMONDS ART FOREVER
A Shakespearian take on the secret agent genre.
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TO BILL A MOCKINGBIRD
Atticus Finch is long gone. A wealthy, innocent young man ('a mockingbird') is accused of murder. Lawyers step over each other to represent this lucrative client
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DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE BARK
A dog sounds scary but isn’t.
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THE HANGER GAMES
In a dystopian future, ten teenagers are forced to fight to the death with plastic items on which to hang clothes
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THE HUNGER GATES
A fat woman discovers the secret to closing the hunger gates in her body after training with an ascetic in a female shaolin temple
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THE HUNGER GAMER
A gamer has to choose between going out to buy food or finishing his game
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THE HUNGER DAMES
A lonely, hungry sailor's hallucination of mermaids raises the question of whether he should eat the fish parts or get to know the pretty ladies first
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THERE WILL BE FLOOD
A scientist develops a machine to change the weather and control the planet
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STAR SARS
Darth Vader has severe acute respiratory syndrome (the reason why his breathing is so labored).
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THE EMPIRE STRIKES HACK
Everyone in the empire suffers from dry coughing spells
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THE HUGGER GAME
A man is intent on spreading a hugging fad around the world.
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THUNDERGALL
James Bond against his most bitter enemy yet.
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LOU ONLY LIVE TWICE
After being thought killed by James Bond, singer Lou Reed wakes from his cryogenic sleep to take MI6 on a walk on the wild side.
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(Cinema marquee oops)
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FROM RUSSIA WITH DOVE
James Bond on a mission behind the iron curtain and his only means of communication is carrier pigeons.
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GOLDFINDER
The epic journey of a man roaming the world to find the perfect wife
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TOP BUN
A bulimic American top model scours all the dim sum restaurants in Hong Kong in search of a bun that will cure her eating disorder.
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PAY ANYTHING
A faltering presidential candidate is down in the polls and goes on a voting buying spending spree.
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(Learn to talk like Bond in India)
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MIDNIGHT COWTOY
In this sequel to Brokeback Mountain, a young cowboy relieves his stress with a cow-shaped squeeze ball.
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THE LOST ACTION HERO
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s role in his first live theatre play is taken by his understudy because Arnold gets lost.
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AIRWOOF
From the maker of Airwolf comes a tale of a top secret flying dog which does top secret missions for the top secret CIA.
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THE A-BEAM
Renegade engineers for hire to fix problem constructions
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SAPPY DAYS
From the makers of Happy Days comes a series which is exactly the same as the original show.
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HAWAII-FIVE-E?
Canadian version of Hawaii-Five-O
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(More cinema marquee humor)
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MIAMI NICE
What Miami would be like if the Miami Vice team actually succeed.
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EVERYBODY LOVED RAYMOND
Nobody loves him anymore.
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THE QING OF QUEENS
Unknown descendant of the Qing dynasty live in New York.
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BADMAN
Batman gone very dark
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BETMAN
Gambler at night, crimefighter in the morning before he goes to bed.
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(Do it the easy way, Darth)
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RAMBA
Highly trained female ex-green beret goes into jungles of Vietnam, Afghanistan to rescue female prisoners of war
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RAMBI
Highly trained special forces deer go into jungles to hunt those who kill his mother
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STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF CHAN
Jackie kicks alien butt.
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BEAUTY AND THE FEAST
A beautiful girl gains 50 pounds after having a buffet.
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NOTHING HILL
Hugh Grant finds himself in a place where nothing much happens
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A NIGHTMARE ON ELF STREET
Santa Claus is behind schedule and demands greater productivity from his tiny workers
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SLICE IN WONDERLAND
A white rabbit goes berserk with a chain saw at a tea party in LA
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(And a third bit of cinema marquee humor)
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THE SEVEN SEALS
Group of seals decide to take revenge against arctic predators by trapping them
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THE BIG SHEEP
After the explosion of an atomic power plant, cattle reach humongous sizes
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WIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
A blind man loves his partner forever
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THE RIGHT STAFF
Astronauts made redundant after the Space Shuttle is retired start up a recruitment agency
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A FRIDGE TOO FAR
An army carries a beer-filled refrigerator into battle. Not a good idea
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THE COD FATHER
A tale of the sordid underworld amongst the oceans bottom feeders.
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THE LAST PAN ON EARTH
Aliens need huge quantities of metal to fix their grounded vessel. They get hold of all frying pans on earth—but one.
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FATWOMAN
McDonalds opens a fast food in Gotham City. Michelle Pfeiffer gets addicted to Big Macs
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THE MING'S SPEECH
Chinese copy of The King's Speech
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THE LORD OF THE MINGS
Chinese copy of The Lord of the Rings
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SCHINDLER'S LIFT
To save lives during the war, Oskar Schindler hides Polish Jews in an elevator
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DR. WHY
A British TV show encouraging children to question everything they hear in the news.
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THE MEANING OF LIFT
The Monthy Python team is are locked up in a metal cage. Nothing happens. They wonder why they are there.
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THE FAST SAMURAI
Same story as "The last samurai", but in 13 mins 27 secs instead of 154 mins
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HARRY POTTER AND THE GIBLET OF FIRE
Hogwart School tries to find a suitable student to defend it from Voldemort's horrible cooking.
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CREASE
Musical featuring a group of young people about to enter the grown up world of dry cleaning.
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THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN MUTTON
A man and his talking piece of mutton journey across the country advocating vegetarianism
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GONE WITH THE WING
A handsome pilot flies from his Caribbean island towards Singapore but in in midflight, he loses a wing.
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ROCK OF APES
A band of young musicians take prehistoric music to the top
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THE AMAZING SPICER-MAN
A heroic chef saves the world from bland food
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THE PARK KNIGHT RISES
A gallant park ranger puts on a mask and a cape to make sure that the public have a clean, safe litter-free place to walk in
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PS. I am writing this from a small house on the coast of Ireland. But tomorrow morning at 3 am I get up to go catch a plane to France. I’ve been warned that there is even less chance of getting on the internet in rural France than in southern Ireland, so forgive me if this page is a bit quiet over the next week or two…
