Being petite is really neat
MY FRIEND BRIAN is the biggest guy in town.
AND the smallest.
Huh? Let me explain.
T. Brian Stevenson is chairman of the Hong Kong Jockey Club, a massive global betting operation rumored to be the most powerful organization on earth (I believe it).
And Brian is also “compactly designed”, ie, short.
He took the stage to give a speech the other day and the audience waited agog to hear this famously wise man’s grand words of wisdom. Instead, he got a laugh by pausing for the technicians to fiddle with the sound gear and saying: “The first thing that happens whenever I speak is that they have to lower the mike WAY down.”
Next on stage was your humble narrator, who couldn’t resist teasing him.
“Don’t worry, mate,” I said, pointing to the programme. “The next people due on this stage are even shorter than you are—they’re from a kindergarten.”
Brian smiled at the dig but then narrowed his eyes and looked me up and down.
He raised his hand to stop the proceedings and returned to the stage to stand next to me.
Horrors! The guy I had just been teasing for being a shortie was the same height as I was!
After me and the kindergarten kids, the next speaker was a man from Holland who was so tall I had to borrow a friend’s binoculars to see his face.
“And I’m a little below average height,” he told me afterwards.
You know that mysterious verse in Genesis which says “A race of giants walked the earth”? Could Moses have been talking about the Dutch?
***
Anyway, the following day, a guy who had been in the audience at that event sent me a clipping about short people from last week’s UK Daily Mail.
A short woman entered a court in Germany. A man who was in court as a witness burst out laughing and pointed to her, singing: “Hi ho, hi ho,” from the movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
Unfortunately for him, the short person he was mocking was Silke Schoenfliesch-Backofen, one of Germany’s toughest lawyers. By the time the sniggering guy was on his way out of the courtroom, she hit him with a quickly-hand-drafted summons for insulting a short person. Apparently it’s illegal there!
So be nice to short people. We sometimes bite.
***
Anyway, dedicated to Brian and Silke and all other short people, here’s a list:
Ten Best Things About Being Short:
1) We can pull our trousers up really fast.
2) We can tell people: “I’m not short, I’m fun size.”
3) To us, all airline seats have business class leg room.
4) Clothes in the children’s dept are much cheaper.
5) We can stand up in airplanes without hitting our heads.
6) Babies don’t cry when they see us.
7) We can tease tall people: “What’s the weather like up there?”
8) When it rains, we’re last to get wet.
9) We can tell jokes like this: “Knock knock. Who’s there? A short person knocking because your doorbell’s too @#$%^ high.”
10) We can skip meetings by saying: “Willy Wonka just texted me to say I have to return to Oompa Loompa land.”
***
Being tall can certainly have its disadvantages. No leg room on planes, buses, movie theatres. Banging your head in the tram . . . while bending over!
I had a short friend in high school, he always used to say good things come in small packages. To which I (all 6'4" of me) would reply, but better things come in bigger packages.
Posted by: Jason | Friday, 27 January 2012 at 11:13 AM
Thanks for the note, Jason. I think the "small packages" idiom is meant to refer to jewelry, which never seems to come in a suitcase-sized box.
As dad of tiny girls and a huge boy, I have affectionate feelings for people of all sizes.
Cowardly Custard, thanks for your note posted on Tuesday's column. Always good to talk to readers of The Island, which is a great paper. I showed your note to the editor!
Posted by: Nury | Friday, 27 January 2012 at 05:04 PM
Adding to the list
-They can pick up things with minimum effort
-They can do the Puss in Boots trick on tall people and get them to do things for them.
-It hurts less when they fall.
-They can fall asleep behind average sized people at lectures, conferences, meetings...
-They can swing their legs sitting on their office seats.
-Other vehicles on the road make way when they drive (thinking it's an unmanned vehicle)
Posted by: Dul | Friday, 27 January 2012 at 05:08 PM
also adding to the list
-- slip into a "full" taxi
-- sneak to the front at a parade
-- find a space in a crowded elevator
-- pay half price on the subway/ metro
Posted by: short shawty | Saturday, 28 January 2012 at 08:59 AM
I use to believe that short people got no reason.
(1970s radio music was my school, so be gentle).
But in further reflection Uncle Jam is right. There is so much advantage in short people.
- Their brains are more compact. The communication time between neurons and synapses travel much shorter distance. Result is quicker thinking. They can think of answer before normal people can even say 'Duh...'
- Their heart do not work so much. 1 to 2 heartbeat per minute is enough to pump blood around the body 20 times.
- They require much less resource than 'normal' people. If all people in the world became short, suddenly there is over abundance of food, clothing, water, air. One pack of instant noodle serves 3 short people.
- They require much less space. If all people in the world became short suddenly regular houses become mansions. Buildings that use to have 20 floors of 12 feet each can now hold 80 floors of 5 feet each (my accountant do the math, so don't quote me). Regular cars become vans. Half of the world can live in Hongkong.
- Everything become more dramatic: elephants look like mammoths, giraffes look like brontosaurus, regular river bridges become like Tsing Ma bridge, suddenly Mt Everest feel twice bigger, giant redwoods in yellowstone park become twice taller, etc. !
Posted by: Lift Lurker | Sunday, 29 January 2012 at 08:46 PM