Google puts spies out of work

The search engine has made secret agents redundant

BOND? YOU’RE SACKED. The spying industry worldwide has been hit by a massive crisis: Google.

Entire divisions of secret service operatives have been made redundant by the super slick search engine, I heard from reader Aber L, who works in security.

"Intelligence departments with massive budgets can now be replaced by any random kid with a talent for Googling," said Aber.

He forwarded me an astonishing speech given this month by former UK spy boss Sir David Pepper.

Because of Google, spies are struggling to make sure they don't produce intelligence which is "not secret at all," Pepper admitted.

Typical agent mission before:

"Get a fake passport, don a disguise, fly to Iran, hack into aircraft or satellite network, and get aerial pictures of nuclear facilities."

Typical agent mission now:

"Click Google Maps. Type Iran. Zoom. Print. Go for early lunch."

Google has "raised the bar" for spies, another UK spy chief, Sir David Omand, recently told the UK Daily Telegraph. (How come both spy chiefs are called Sir David? Is it in the job description? "Applicants must be called Sir David." If I change my name to Sir David, can I be the UK spy chief?)

Google is amazing. Last week, on a speaking trip, I found myself hopelessly lost in an unfamiliar city. I called up Google Maps on my phone, but without much confidence.

But as soon as I typed in the name of the hotel I was looking for, Google detected where I was and drew a map from my square of pavement to the hotel door. Then it drew me as a blob (hey, Google, I’m not that fat) floating on the map. As I walked, the blob moved along the map on the tiny screen in my hand.

Then, 11 minutes later, the route turned left into what looked like a dead end. What to do? I heard Alec Guinness’s voice say: “Feel the force, Luke.” I replied: “My name’s not Luke.” But I got the message and complied. Your humble narrator walked straight towards the end of the cul-de-sac. Lo and behold, a tiny lane became visible to one side: Google had led me to a neat shortcut to my hotel.

I was raving about this to a techie friend named Des, who showed me four examples of screw-ups by Google's impressive computer brain.

1) Someone used Google Translate to translate "Lady Gaga" from Malay to English.

The Google computer said: "Britney Spears."

2) Someone searched for "French military victories."

The computer responded: "Do you mean `French military defeats'?"

3) Someone searched for the phrase "she invented."

The computer responded: "Do you mean `he invented'?"

4) Someone searched for "anagram." The computer responded: "Did you mean `nag a ram'?"

But are these really screw-ups? Maybe not. I think the Google computer is just toying with us. I don't mind, as long as it remembers to call me Sir David from now on. 
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Technorati Tags: spies,redundant,Google,Sir David Pepper

Comments

[Chamin]

In related news, several feminist organizations have started hiring hackers.

[ape]

Should try the Google map direction. Start point China. End point Taiwan. See step 48. A direction that can put spies back in business

[grandpa]

@ape
My google map could not find directions from China to Taiwan.
It could not find directions From Beijing to Taipei either....

I guess ( but this is only a guess ) that China is too small to show on Google maps.
Or ùaybe , it si on another planet

[Bianca Schlimm]

Germans use Google 95-98 %, more than Umricans.

Someone searched for "unrelated bunch of crap" and found my blog!

Someone else looked for "Helmut Schmidt got balls" and found me writing "Helmut Schmidt has got great hair".

[Lift Lurker]

I have same problem like grandpa. I cannot find Google direction from China to Taiwan.

Bianca, LOL

[peter wei]

Hi, Nury, I know this is your today's subject, but may I ask if your column fully accessible to all parts of China incl. Shanghai? Thanks.

[peter wei]

Sorry, I mean "not your today's subject"!

[ape]

@grandpa & lift lurker
I think that direction has been removed. Anyway, step 48 used to be 'swim across' from mainland China to Taiwan :p

[Chamin]

@Peter,

I think this depends on the place and time. Nury's blog could not be accessed from Beijing in October 2009. But it could be read from Xian in July 2010. The Internet terminals of Beijing Airport can access Facebook, but you have to show the passport to use them.

[peter wei]

@Chamin

Thanks so much for the info.

[Lift Lurker]

Maybe if Bond movies were made in 21st century they will have different titles:

- You Only Search Twice
- On Her Majesty's Searching Service
- GoogleFinger
- The Man With the Golden Mouse
- Streetview to a Kill
- For All Eyes Also
- The Geek Spy Who Loved Me
- GoogledEye
- The Bing Daylights

[Ram]

The Internet terminals of Beijing Airport can access Facebook, but you have to show the passport to use them.

You are about to visit FACEBOOK. Fill the following questionnaire.
Passport Number:
Nationality:
Are you intended to post comments that include words like democracy, human rights, dictatorship, anti-communist, oppression, Tibet, Taiwan, Falun gong, Xinjiang, Dalai lama, India, USA, Russia, Independence, freedom or anything related to the above subjects???

Are you intended to post any pictures??

Questionnaire filled successfully. Anyways, you are not able to access FACEBOOK from here. Xie Xie.!!

[Bianca Schlimm]

Xie Xie?

[Ram]

@Bianca: Thanks in Chinese. Didn't add the tones though!!!

[Stuart]

Xie Xie - used to be written 'hseih hseih' (Thanks) - as in 'hseih hseih ne' (Thank you)

Mandarin.

[Maurice Templo]

Please tell me, what is Lady Gaga in Malay ?

Which reminds me of a old joke about translating the phrase "Timeless Beauty" into an obscure language and back again into English, which yielded the phrase "Your Face would Stop a Clock".