Real life is catching up fast with the strangest screenplays
ALIENS LANDED ON a farm last week and stole the ground!
Farmers woke to find a three-meter wide hole in the middle of a paddy field. Locals pointed to the absence of tire marks and said the loss was clearly the work of creatures who had descended from the sky, grabbed a chunk of the field and escaped upwards in a spaceship.
No doubt the thieves are at this moment speeding through space, broadcasting the news to their home planet: “Yay, guys, we succeeded in getting the large lump of Earth dirt that our scientists say is the only thing that can save our race.”
I know it sounds far-fetched, but that’s the villagers’ official explanation, according to Indian newspapers I was sent by an alert reader.
I can’t decide whether the farmers of Hardoi, Uttar Pradesh, India, are suffering from a severe case of moviefication, a disease caused by watching too many films (some people are saying that the reaction can be blamed specifically on their having seen a Bollywood sci-fi epic about a child-friendly alien accidentally left behind on Earth, Koi Mil Gaya, which is Hindi for “E.T. With Brown People”); or whether life itself is becoming more movie-like.
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Whichever interpretation we take, the syndrome itself is spreading. Moviefication is also the possible cause of a bizarre incident in Australia.
A Queensland bank was robbed. Manager John Forrester admitted he had stolen the money.
But he told cops he’d only done it because he had been carjacked by mysterious evil masked baddies who had injected him with an amazing new substance which would allow him to function as normal for a while, but would then suddenly kill him.
“Steal the money for us and we’ll give you the antidote, mwah-ha-ha-ha,” the villains said.
Forrester’s lawyer admitted that the defence was a teeny bit “Hollywood-esque” but did not see this as a problem.
Nor did the jury, who acquitted him of all charges earlier this month.
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On the plus side, moviefication is particularly widespread among young people, and can be exploited by cunning parents.
ME: “You HAVE to do your homework TONIGHT because it said in the newspaper that on Sunday a huge asteroid is set to land right on the factory that makes the little gold stars that teachers put on exercise books and no one will get EVER get gold stars again.”
MY KIDS (racing to their desks): “Wow, thanks for telling us, Dad.”
ME: “No problem.”
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Sometimes I feel twinges of moviefication myself. Last Friday I read a business report on the history of the Freeport-McMoRan mine in Indonesia’s Papua province. This is the story.
1) A huge mining company finds massive resources under a natural wilderness.
2) They decide to use military help.
3) Indigenous tribes fight back.
4) A soldier joins the blue-skinned natives to defeat the mining company while flying a giant pterodactyl.
Okay, so I made up number 4, but that COULD happen next, you don’t know. And then we’d have the entire story of Avatar.
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Do you find that your own life sometimes feels like a movie? I once bought an NEC N710 mobile phone and couldn’t work out how to change the default ringtone, which was the James Bond theme.
After it had been my signature tune for a month, I found myself yearning to save the world from evil masterminds living on secret islands. If you find any, give me a call.
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Sounds more like a wonderful child bedside story for baby-sitters than a sci-fi epic. In any case, living as we're in great distress, a virtual reality is better than none!
Posted by: peter wei | Wednesday, 23 November 2011 at 12:17 PM
An NCC-1701 mobile phone would have way cooler...
Posted by: TS | Wednesday, 23 November 2011 at 04:41 PM
"evil masterminds living on secret islands"
know of one contributor on this blog who can fit that description :-)
Posted by: Karuna | Thursday, 24 November 2011 at 10:41 AM
@ Karuna
can you be more precise.
Are you talking about Hong Kong island?
I know one guy there who can fit that description
Posted by: grandpa | Thursday, 24 November 2011 at 04:49 PM
Grandpa, I don't think Hong Kong can count as a secret island with 25 million visitors a year. But St Maarten's... that's a different question
Posted by: Nury | Thursday, 24 November 2011 at 05:08 PM
....well its masterminds, so there has got to be at least 2... too bad Liftie is not in an island... it would have been perfect...
Posted by: rafanjr | Thursday, 24 November 2011 at 05:17 PM
@ Rafnajr
I beg your pardon
On an aircraft carrier , the "tower " where the Captain commands is called an island.
Because it is military it is secret and the way to move there is by elevator .
Therefore, technically speaking , liftie COULD be hiding in a secret island.
As for Liftie being an evil mastermind I shall not comment .....
Posted by: grandpa | Friday, 25 November 2011 at 06:52 AM
"mastermind" is code for psychologist. So I think it is rafanjr.
But "evil" is code for atheist (who are lovely evil people) so maybe Jason or Richard
"secret island" is maybe Taiwan so Ram.
"living" is grandpa who has "savoir faire" and live the longest of all humans.
Posted by: Lift Lurker | Friday, 25 November 2011 at 09:25 AM
My polylingual daughter (who can speak hieroglyphic) tell me I mean "joie de vivre" and not "savoir faire" but we all know my grandpa has both.
Posted by: Lift Lurker | Friday, 25 November 2011 at 09:46 AM
...wow Liftie, you made seem like a concerted effort
Posted by: rafanjr | Friday, 25 November 2011 at 04:27 PM