Exclusive: This is what is was like to work for the News of the World
AT LAST IT CAN BE TOLD. As regular readers know, this columnist once worked for the News of the World, a weekly Rupert Murdoch newspaper whose reporters specialized in breaking laws and tricking stupid people.
The paper was the one which tricked ex-Princess Sarah Ferguson in May last year to try to sell access to Prince Andrew, a scoop printed under the paper’s most oft-used headline: “Exclusive: We Trick Stupid Person Again.”
Reading all the criticism of sleazy journalism over the past week brought back memories of my time working at their offices in Fleet Street, London.
So below I present a re-creation of:
A typical morning at the News of the World.
*
I enter the room at the crack of dawn (which was about 11.45 am), and greet my bosses.
“Good morning, esteemed senior newshounds.”
The editor looks up and smirks at his youngest junior reporter.
“Not very good morning for YOU, little Asian guy, was it? Heh heh heh heh.”
Me: “What do you mean?”
Editor: “Had a massive row with your girlfriend, didn’t you?”
Me: “How did you know that?”
Editor: “Lucky guess.”
Me: “Yeah, well, these things happen. We’ll get over it.”
Editor: “That’s what you think. She just phoned her mom and is planning to move back in with her parents. Better give her a call.”
I notice the message light is blinking on my phone. “Wait. I’ve got three messages. One must be from her.”
Editor: “Nope. One’s a telesales marketer, one’s from your mom and the other is a wrong number. I’m just guessing, of course.”
Suddenly the editor picks up his own phone.
After listening for half a minute, he sits down and turns to his keyboard.
“Look busy lads, the big boss is about to arrive and he’s in a foul temper.”
I look around. “Mr Murdoch? Where?”
Editor: “He’s in his limo downstairs, but his ex-wife’s lawyer just called his mobile about alimony payments.”
The door opens and a man enters. But it is not Mr Murdoch. It is Detective Inspector Gibbs, head of the Data Theft Bureau.
Gibbs: “You folk are under arrest for hacking into people’s phones and lying and cheating in numerous ways.”
Editor: “Go easy, officer. Everyone lies and cheats sometimes, as you know. For example, there’s the canoodle you had with your secretary in the lock-up on Tuesday night, which would look great on page three.”
Gibbs: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Editor: “The thank-you message you left on her phone was charming, too. Tell you what: you forget what you know, and we’ll forget what we know, deal?”
The red-faced officer backs out of the room.
Murdoch stomps in, steam coming from his ears, and storms to his own desk. He barks at the editor: “so, what’s the front page lead this week?”
The editor salutes. “We’re doing an expose on evil lawyers who jack up alimony costs, sir.”
The newspaper boss smiles. “Perfect! Good man. I don’t know how you do it. It’s almost like you can read my mind.”
The editor bows. “You’d be surprised, sir.”
*
I didn’t last very long at that paper. The whole thing of getting up and 2 a.m. and lurking in the streets in the hope of spotting some scandal didn’t appeal.
Anyway, I hope the whole genre of “tricking stupid people” journalism is gone for ever.
Stupid people have suffered long enough, and I should know.
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Good morning guys.
Bianca, you may be right about catholics and sleeping.
I've been up and out of the house every morning this week long before my wife was even stirring.
By the way, someone sent me a link to an interview with me onTV. It's all in German. I didn't know I could even speak German.
http://www.videoportal.sf.tv/video?id=b31412e3-c690-4ad9-b0c4-37208b0b82d0
*
if you get a chance to see it, I'd love to know what it says.
*
Grandpa, I guess you are Morrocan or Algerian or one of the sons of Muammar Gadaffi if you were born on the north African shore.
As for ebola, the "hot zone" book which introduced the story of this scary disease to the world traces it to a forest in north Uganda.
But don't worry. It cannot be transmitted through reading website postings.
*
Lift lurker -- your conversation with the African fund manager is brilliant -- if anyone didn't see it, scroll down to the comments for this item: http://mrjam.typepad.com/diary/2011/07/trip-to-hell-turns-out-heavenly.html
Posted by: Nury | Friday, 22 July 2011 at 09:51 AM
Uncle,
I would love to hear your actual stories from days working in the UK. I will have to make it a point to ask at the next gathering.
In watching the coverage this week, I found it interesting how there was so much more focus on Wendi Deng's Kung-Fu 'skillz' in the media than the actual issues at hand.
I've heard of 'paper tigers' before, but now we have the 'Newspaper Tigress' (...coming soon in 3D to a theater near you.)
A person on twitter asked, "Is throwing a pie-throwing ever morally justifiable?" to which I replied, "Always...if you are in a clown costume."
In fact I would welcome being a target myself, as long as the pie in question were chocolate cream.
;-)
Posted by: Paul | Friday, 22 July 2011 at 03:40 PM
Nury:
It says you were forbidden to write, at least for the South Asian Morning Post. Some years back.
You didn't know you were giving them an interview?
(It's swiss anyway but "proper" german.)
I think you have very nice dress sense.
*
Who was your relative standing next to Gandhi when he was shot?
Posted by: Bianca | Friday, 22 July 2011 at 11:49 PM
"Grandpa, I guess you are ..."
for the last century I had to prove that I was not gadaffi father, since the French do not like us so much.
You may have seen my picture , or even me...so that you can have a clear idea.
Wait a minute, the picture of me on your website is not mine...
I knew I should not have left it there when the newsgirl came to visit me home.
Aargh
Those reporters, when there is nothing to say they still can fill up two or three pages of newspapers.
and when they run out of stories they suggest that there is a story brewing....like the story of this guy hanging sausages in African trees ....
aargh
what this world came to..
Posted by: grandpa | Saturday, 23 July 2011 at 01:37 AM
Nuri, the reference to you is obviously a mistake.
It looks like it's something to do with culture.
Posted by: Stuart, Queensland | Monday, 25 July 2011 at 12:44 AM
Anybody who can write about a typical morning at Fox News? :-p
Posted by: Chamin | Friday, 29 July 2011 at 03:25 PM