Male hairdos banned in Iran

News round-up: food scares and ayatollahs keep the world weird

TODAY, BOYS AND GIRLS, we’ll learn about the food scares that have made headlines around the world.

But first, a news flash. There’s been shocking news from Iran.

Having forced female citizens to dress in circus tents, ayatollahs have finally issued a male dress code.

This is not a joke.

Men in Iran are now banned from having the hairdo known as the mullet: the short-sides-long-back look favored by 1970s British pop stars.

Also illegal is the short male ponytail, as popularized by 1980s advertizing agency staffers.

Third, men who wear gold chains around their necks can be arrested by Tehran authorities.

Usually I despise arbitrary laws dreamed up by ayatollahs, but this time they’re bang on target.

For example, there’s a guy in the office block next to mine who has spiky hair, a choker necklace and knee-crotch trousers which make his legs look 30 cms long.

The universe will never achieve any kind of karmic equilibrium until this man is arrested and charged with multiple counts of looking silly.

So it’s aye-aye, ayatollah.
*

Anyway, back to the food scares. After the scary headlines, I was suspicious when someone bought me a salad for lunch.

“What flavor is it?” I asked.

He replied: “E. coli flavor, jet-fresh from Germany.”

I thought he was joking, but then I spotted a giant mutant E. coli bacterium carrying off a cherry tomato.

He told me it was a vegetarian bacon bit, but since when have bacon bits been green, leggy and self-propelling?


*
 
Still, we all have to do our bit to help the recovery of the global salad giants.

Think of those millions of unwanted cucumbers in Europe.

I do hope Spanish farmers can think of somewhere to put them. Into the colons of German politicians, perhaps, inserted from below?
*
I typed “food scare” into the Google news search engine.

Reports from every country listed things you shouldn’t eat.

Except for the single report from China which said:

“The Ministry of Health is keeping a close eye on phony food scare reports and will blacklist journalists who write such stories.”

So typical! Other countries fix the problems, Beijing maligns the whistleblowers.
*
What we need in Asia is the sort of “freedom of information” laws western countries have.

On Tuesday last week a UK man named Robert Ainsley lodged the following query with his local government: "Can you please let us know what provisions you have in place in the event of a zombie invasion?”

UK law says the authorities must reply within 20 days, so council spokeswoman Lynn Wyeth said there was “nothing specifically in the emergency plan to state a response to a zombie invasion” but “general disaster plans” which would cover it.
*
Here in Asia, we wouldn’t need to ask that question. The walking dead have no need to invade us, since they already dominate the political scene.

It would make more sense to ask:

“What proportion of senior leaders are: a) brain dead and b) fully deceased? Does the number add up to 100 per cent?”

Meanwhile, the giant mutant E. coli bacterium from my salad has crawled out of the box and into an envelope. I may post it to Beijing.
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Note to commentators: I did enjoy your comments on movies etc, in previous column – many thanks. For the papers next week, perhaps an item on “movies ratings”, would be a good one, or gay beers and other non-standard foodstuffs? Ideas gratefully received…
*
Food salad pic: Jenny Harada
Other pics: Wikicommons, Cc License
*

Technorati Tags: food scares,mullet,iran,gold chain,male polytail,Robert Ainsley,zombie,Lynn Wyeth

Comments

[rafanjr]

...the green, leggy, self-propelling "thing" in your salad might not have been a mutant E.coli. Its probabaly a simple caterpillar...which is a delicacy in Asia. Yum, yum, its usually fried untill the outsides are crisp and when you get a bite of it...the flesh oozes out...dip it in soy, chilies, and garlic. Its probabaly already in China so you don't have to mail it (it won't be as juicy or as crunchy)

[Bianca Schlimm]

http://www.weltquartett.de/

here you can see more yummy bacteria and tyranns part two!

[Bianca Schlimm]

If you click Seuchen you see that ebola looks a lot less scary than mr Jam's monster Design

Regarding what will happen when desaster comes I learnt that in case of nuclear desaster in Germany there is NOONE to "clean up", Different from Japan the industry has NO POEPLE who are contracted to sacrifice their lives. And even police and fireworkers are protected by the law.

They (who?) forget to "cast" for worst case.

[grandpa]

AKEONNIBLURP
- kjkj
- lpborninsd
- kkjk

Translation
Hey ,Gzorb, do you see this blue planet.
-YES

What about spending the weekend there?

(from here on I am going to delete the rest of the Conversation in Gzorban to post it in the direct language of the about-to-be-defunct Civilization)
Are you nuts, or going banana?
It is full of maniacs.
Looks at what they are doing
they are shooting each other for the dinosaur manure grand uncle Gzornnury buried there a zillion years ago.

each time we try to get close they shoot at us.

Gzorn, You worry too much
We can wipe them out in no time by hitting them on their weak point
What is that?
Do you see how much time those guys spend eating?
Yes ,their are like ruminants , eating most of the time
And when they are not eating, they are compulating .....
Those guys are ANIMALS.
They have the same brain like us and look at what they are doing.
what a bunch of retards, still moving around in elevators ,and cars
Un capables ...
Arrgh
You are right ,let's get rid of them
Let's send ECOLI
Yes
Where do we start...
Hummmm, let"s see ...
There where they like to eat sauerkraut.
They will not know where it comes from
heheheheheh

Hey kids , what are you doing ..

Nothing much Dad , we are clearing the blue planet from its flees , so that we can go there on vacation.
But , why do you want to start there?

We do not like their haircut.

that's my boys
You are smart for 5 year old Gzrobians

[Bianca Schlimm]

Somettimes I feel like a motherless cockroach

But I am an optimist.

Even as a roach there will something new called life.

Even if someone puts me in an envelope...

[Isabel Doyle]

thanks for the chuckles

[Bianca Schlimm]

Nury: If you're telling me: spanish restaurant at this moment in Berlin, no THANX. I can assure you people still come to eat, they just took no salad for a few days.
:-)

[sej]

Bianca,

Wasn't it the (organic) sprouts which caused the problem rather than cucumbers? And aren't sprouts normally eaten cooked rather than raw? So skipping salad was in fact, completely pointless?

[Bianca Schlimm]

Sej:
We still don't know where it really came from so most anything was pointless. Sprouts are often eaten raw though in salad too.

I have a friend in Hamburg, epicentrum of it and she didn't even mention any thought about it.

[Lift Lurker]

Myers and Briggs develop useful labeling of people.

If you know that someone is ESTJ or ISTP, then you can bend them to your will.

Unless they are Sagittarius and you are Gemini.

But if the MB can label people, surely it can be use to label a movie, which is equal in complexity to people.

E (Extraversion) - movie has a lot of talking (Al Pacino, Cris Tucker, etc)
I (Introversion) - movie is quiet and you need to follow acting (Rambo)

S (Sensing) - movie is sensual (Sex and City)
N (Intuition) - bedroom door is closed, people do not shower in this movie (Harry Potter)

T (Thinking) - movie has plot (Denzel Washington movies, or cemetery plot)
F (Feeling) - lots of dancing and singing and shopping (anything with teenagers)

J (Judgement) - movie is aimed for critical acclaim (The Piano)
P (Perception) - movie is aimed for commercial profit (Hot Shots)

* Why do actors/actress shower in movies? There is only 2 hours available to tell the story and they waste it for taking bath, changing clothes, sleeping, eating, cooking, eating, watching TV, driving car, waiting for train, etc.

(For example, in Terminator, naked Arnold even have to look for clothes to wear in the movie! It take up so much time. Why don't they come prepared!)

[Bianca Schlimm]

LL: Brilliant definition of introversion!

maybe one should add that something intro-ed his brain, a big void where brain should have grown.

you sure come up with a lot of social science to avoid answering questions!!

[TS]

A (Adventurous) - Indiana Jones, Romancing The Stone, Deliverance.

H (Humorous) - Hot Shots, Naked Gun, Schindler's List.

[Lift Lurker]

R - contains robots
S - contains aliens (S is for shrimp)

[rafanjr]

...and I say on this day....at this very hour...in this very minute...that...by all means...and in all the evidences that abound...it is a great honor to proclaim that Liftie is a shrink too...

[grandpa]

It is normal that Liftie is a shrink.
One has to shrink to have a career in Elevators.
Have you seen the size of those maintenance "boxes"

Ts H like Humorous, Shindler's list
Are you sure?
Don'you meant " la vitta à bella"?

"* Why do actors/actress shower in movies? '
It is like jelly in industrial frozen meals, it fills up space.

[Bianca Schlimm]

Grandpa:
I like you sauerkraut story. If we were all in Berlin you would read such stories at reading stage. get lots of applause and be stalked home by chicks and their mothers
:-)

Rafan: I knew it. I do NOT have a shrink
:-(

LL: We should move together into a karaoke box!

[Bianca Schlimm]

http://biancaschlimm.blogsport.eu/2011/06/vacations-in-germany/

I wrote a little "homework" how it'd be if we all met in Germany.

[Chamin]

Iran is not alone.

Last year, a US town had a ban on low-crotch trousers.

There was a time Singapore government had rules against long hairdos of males. They were not banned, but guys with long haircuts were subjected to low priority in offices (even if they lined up), and police checks.

Those in legislature have too much free time :-p

@Bianca: may be I will say the only German phrase that I know; "Ein bier, bitte!" :-p But I will need a year to finish an Oktoberfest beer :o(

[Bianca Schlimm]

to be honest baggy trousers can be quite annoying.
for the sake of philosophy you have to put up with looking at people's underwear, dirty job.

I need about ten minutes for a huge beer...then I should stop!

so what gender is your favorite's buddhist once in a year beer?

[Lift Lurker]

rafanjr - I am not shrink. I have great admiration for shrinks. I wish I was shrink. They make lots of money and do only listening, advice, and ink blots.

[Vaibhavchadha]

LL - Its like the cookies making scene in Matrix trilogy. i think they do this to bring down the overall budget of the film else they'd have to stuff it with more action packed (read:moolah costing) scenes.

Bianca - Leck mich am arsh is probably the only phrase i know along with Fick tish (not sure about the spelling of this)

[Lift Lurker]

Don'you meant " la vitta à bella"?

grandpa do you mean Roberto Benigni film? I love this movie! For 3 weeks after watching I laugh, I cry, I parlato in Italiano.

PS: Like you I do not feel comfortable that grandma traveling Cambodia with 3rd party stranger ('pilot' - maybe only helicopter 'pilot' with amateur license and only 20 hours flying time) without grandpa. You are always my grandpa until retirement (2 years from now?). We can bring wheelchair and visit Cambodia and Berlin and Singapore. We make sure wheelchair has mine resistant armor protection and place to store warm soup.

[Angela]

I thought S is for Sensing now we have S for Shrimps too?

This confusion should be settled. NOT acceptable here in Singapore.

D (Dogs) for movies with animals as the protagonist. e.g. Mr.Popper's Penguin, Lassie, King Kong, Free Willie, etc.

What should be the label for movies with interplanetary relationship as the theme? e.g. Avatar, ET,...

and Documentary movies? e.g. an inconvenient truth, and michael moore movies?

maybe we should have 2 letter labels?

[Angela]

baggy trousers for men is like low waist jeans for women.

showing off thongs and dirty cracks :)

[Lift Lurker]

maybe one should add that something intro-ed his brain,

Bianca, can i make suggestion you to make appointment with shrink rafanjr. And charge him for your time.

B - brilliant (any movie with Lifts)

XXX - any movie with airplane

D - documentary / historical truth (any movie with crashing airplane)

[Angela]

what about movies like 'Devil' about 5 people trapped in a lift with the devil. That is one movie I did not fall asleep in.

[Angela]

Maybe F (Fear)

Cannot be F (Fantasy)

or F (Fiction)

[Bianca Schlimm]

C .....for Christian love stories and action in Ska-Jamaica ("The harder they come")

Vaib: You tell me such rude things??!
Fick tish sounds like fu.ck table..tse tse tse...dich would be right...did you only meet rude germans?

LL: You mean I cure Rafan from ink blotting?

[Bianca Schlimm]

It's true Rafan, you type so many blots/dots!

What can be decuded for the look of your brain?

Cheesy?

[rafanjr]

i couldn't find inkblots in my keyboard, i hope our techy guy sej could suggest one with a key for inkblots... so i substitute with dots...see i can fill the whole comments box with dots and still no inkblots...
.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................i should stop now, this might be spam already.

[grandpa]

"That is one movie I did not fall asleep in."
That is a movie I did not even consider watching
Elevator horror story....
yeurk

[Vaibhavchadha]

Aah i see Bianca, must have heard incorrectly.
The Germans were actually really nice but i guess it was only fair they taught me the phrases i taught them in my language.

[Bianca Schlimm]

V: So what is "Leck mich am Arsch" in XX (Hindi)?

[Vaibhavchadha]

Bianca - Its too colourful for an unmoderated setting. Besides simple translation wouldnt convey the meaning, the phrase would have to be converted with the idea and that would be rude.
A less colourful version would be "bhaad mein ja" you have say it with a give a rat's arse attitude.

[Bianca Schlimm]

V: I have at least 4 question of pronunciation
:-)

Ram: I am looking at your blog but am too stupid tp leave comment (technically)..open ID can be just name?

[Angela]

What kind of pilot?

helicopter pilot?

no.

How about crop duster pilot?

[Bianca Schlimm]

Nury:
About propaganda and vegetables: My grandpa (that I never knew) had a Ph D is philosophy and one of his jobs was in Nazi-Germany to claim that the tomatoes from Mussolini-Italy were very tasty - when Germany didn't have any. Or that the Italian ones were not good, when the "government" wanted the Germans to "buy German".