Laptop takes over confab

That little box rules your life and sometimes proves it with no mercy

THE THEATRE WAS SO QUIET the audience could have been asleep. In fact, several of us were, it being 9 a.m., a time known to professional journalists as “the middle of the night”.

An academic conference was about to begin. Hundreds of professors had taken their seats and were watching the stage expectantly as the first speaker approached the podium, opened her mouth and….

Stopped.

She stared at a dialogue box in the middle of the big slide show screen.

“You must restart your computer for recent updates to take effect.”

The naughty ones among us sniggered.

Tee hee! It was kinda funny to see this tiny black laptop wresting control of the event from the organizers.

The would-be speechmaker used the cursor to click the word “Restart later”.

The box disappeared. Phew.
*
Fifteen minutes later, the cheeky computer interrupted again with the same request.

And again a quarter of an hour after that.

Indeed, it popped up every 15 minutes for the next two hours.

No cancel option was offered at any time.
*
Just in front of where I was sitting, organizers had frantic conversations about what to do. The thing was spoiling the rhythm of the conference and making naughty members of the audience snigger.

“Can we ditch this computer and plug in a new one?”

“No. All the presentations were pre-loaded onto this one, and some of the files are huge.”

We audience members realized that the battle between the brainiacs and this small, uppity laptop was actually more interesting than the conference proceedings.

Speechmakers soldiered on, pressing “Restart later” every 15 minutes.

But then the computer changed the game!

With the next interruption, it tried a new tack:

“The system will be restarted in five minutes…. 4:59……4.58…..4.57….4.56…”

It was like watching the countdown on a time-bomb in a James Bond movie.

To add to the drama, the speaker currently droning on was one of the clip-mike wearers who was wandering around the stage in his own world—and he hadn’t noticed the seconds ticking away on the screen behind him.

We were all wide awake now, watching this gripping, edge-of-the-seat stuff!

Would the countdown get to zero and crash his presentation before he noticed?

Would the other speakers in the audience shout out to warn him that the system was about to go down? Or would they keep silent and get an advantage?

When the countdown got to five! four! three! seconds, he noticed what was happening and raced to the podium—but failed to reach it in time.

The laptop shut itself off.

The big screen went black.

This tiny little Thinkpad X60 notebook computer had succeeded in halting a conference run by a large assembly of the world’s smartest human beings.

There was a spontaneous round of applause.

I think Microsoft, the company that made the software, should have programmed the computer to jump up and take a bow, and perhaps send a little audio into the microphone:

“Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. And for my next trick…”
*
These days, laptops rule. Your columnist has several times found himself with his head bowed in supplication to his malfunctioning computer, mumbling: “Please have mercy on thy humble servant and WAKE UP.”

In India, people give pooja (blessings) to their laptops as part of the Devali celebrations. In the financial district of London, laptops are blessed as part of the harvest festival at churches. It all makes sense to me now.
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ON OTHER MATTERS…

Where are people going on their summer breaks? (Or winter breaks, for TS, who is in Australia, and other readers in the southern hemisphere?)

I am off to Africa in a week or two. Possibly UK or France later in the summer, not sure. Maybe Singapore again in September.

The lovely Angela (or Christina Angela Sias Ondevilla as we know her) is doing some MAJOR travelling. She has just come back from Cambodia.

“We are going to Bali, Lombok and Flores,  Komodo island in Indonesia from 2nd week of July until August, and we plan to make more photo documentary of local communities there,” she said.

She and her buddy Thomas have put their photos up on the web. The pair of them are really good photographers. Check out their latest exhibition by clicking here.
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ON OTHER OTHER MATTERS…. here’s a column from Bianca’s website

BIANCA’S DIARY

 
By Bianca Schlimm

Ms. Schlimm writes: I AM DOING my last little exam for the German teaching “ticket”.

The first task is so entertaining that I might have found a novel theme for the rest of the year.

How would it be if a bunch of foreigners would come to Germany and try to spend their time on a German camping place or a youth hostel?!

How funny it would be!

Lift Lurker running around in a burka trying to find out if his wife is there or flirting with grandpa!

Nury taking notes on the weirdness of food in the canteen.

Angela reporting on the toilet situation. Or kicking the butt of Mrs. Lurker.

Rafan trying to decide whether he should reveal his face or not.

T.S. trying to work a grill and being surprised by the fact that my uru has long been building a whole fire in the yard.

Ram flirting away with a bunch of other European girls. Interestedly checking out the sleeping situation.

Chaminda trying to Skype but not visible behind huge Totoro. Me being so deaf that he has to repeat every sentence 4 times.

Jason checking out whether there are annoying Christians around. Probably right where he sleeps, praying away.

Karuna explaining to me how kids in India are scared into behaving by sentences like maybe: “If you don’t shut up NOW you’ll be reborn a male spider among female spiders!”

All of us discussing genders of beer brands.

Grandpa giving lessons in frog dis-legging and flying. Discussing recipes with my uru. So much garlic no one has ever eaten before! Mosquitoes tumble unconsciously.

My son eying Angela’s daughter.

Soccer playing??

Mrs. Vittachi and me discussing Holden Caulfield. Then while she tells jokes with the ending first I must dance some very basic cha cha cha with her husband.
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Bianca’s website is here.

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Technorati Tags: laptop,conference,restart,restart later,restart in five minutes

Comments

[Jason]

Two words: Micosuck Winblows.

How about the computer conference demonstrating voice command technology where naughty audience members yelled out: "format c: enter!"

My idea of camping out is a 3 star hotel, so there won't be any Christians praying near me. Besides I would have converted them all with my missionary work.

[Bianca Schlimm]

Nury: I am very flattered !!!

Africa is rather not so small, where are you going?

I wish I could read other gang members diaries too!!!

[rafanjr]

...i have always thought that this is a collective diary of costumers in the quite good noodle shop, so you're pretty much eating what we are eating...i mean reading our diary entries.

[Ram]

@Angela : really impressive pictures... especially, I like the way u guys captured the faces of people... and I liked the 2nd pic very much...!!!

[grandpa]

Uncle

This one of the most funny column I read...
What I do not understand is why people keep using PC with Windows.
Do elevators use windows?

They should have used Macs computers , instead

Like doctors say:
"An Apple everyday keeps the buggers away"

Your article about grandma is starting to make her look like a Goddess. (oops ,she always seemed like a goddess to me)

Hey grandma

What about traveling the real world and making a report about........the gang?

Bianca , I am not obsessed with aviation and frog legs .

"How funny it would be!"
I can imagine the whole gang in a yurt, eating frog legs curry and drinking bamboo beer

[grandpa]

grandma

Have you tried to propose this report to geo magazine, or national geographic.
I would love to see your article there..

[sej]

Ahh...

The Mac vs PC war... A religious war if there ever was.

Nonetheless, it reminds me once of when I phoned the local telephone company to try and resolve an issue with a phone line...

"ahhh... we can't transfer you to that department at the moment, we've got phone problems."

[Paul]

I would imagine that the folks who thought up the 'infinite monkey theorem' never thought ahead to the simian writers using laptops. I am sure that would ultimately derail the process of monkeys making Hamlet. ;-)

Still, all you aspiring writers and users should be warned, treat your computers well...or you may end up like this guy.

Happy Friday folks! :-)

[Lift Lurker]

“You must restart your computer for recent updates to take effect.”

Microsoft should change message to:

“You must consider posting video of presentation in Youtube rather than in theater so you all can watch in comfort of your home at time and outfit and sitting position and snack of your choosing. You can even pause if you need to go to toilet."

This will not happen because 2) Youtube belong to Google. 1) Microsoft hate Google.

So academics will continue to waste billions of hour traveling by airplane to meet in theater to listen so person talk on microphone and project powerpoint. (Many will die on flight to and from conference or pick up thrombosis).

This is conspiracy by airline industry and Microsoft (this is not a joke).

[Bianca Schlimm]

LL :
I agree so much! and they blast tons of CO2 and then you don't understand the speaker and want to read what they said anyways.

This is not because I would not love to fly, grandpa! and I am pretty sure you are a great cook.

[grandpa]

"This is conspiracy by airline industry and Microsoft (this is not a joke)."
Of course it is
Which computer would like to partner with elevator companies?

If we do the maths, I am sure that academics spend more time per life in moving boxes called elevatores than in airplanes

What is the difference between an elevator and a coffin?
none,
they both go down, but the elevator may go up , if things work well.

[Lift Lurker]

The Mac vs PC war... A religious war if there ever was.

You mean like holy war of Lift v.s. airplanes?

What is the difference between an airliner and a coffin?

You have room to stretch your legs in coffin.

--
I launch new business, I hope you support it. My company buy advertising space in coffins and sell them to business.

In the wake, everyone is looking at the coffin with lots of blank space at the sides. What if this was filled with advertisement for Facebook ('follow my status updates'), McDonald's, British Errways, Toy'R Us, etc?

That is my idea.

I think I will finally be billionaire (it's boring to be multi-millionaire. I feel so inadequate).

My past business failed:

- Audio books for almost deaf (the reader scream at top of her voice). All my reader grow hoarse and quit.

- Picture books for the blind. (Our competitor sell cheaper because they only pretend to put pictures in, but I use full color)

- Reading lamp for the blind. The store put this in top shelf and my target customers cannot find it.

[buy atenolol]

That little box rules your life and sometimes proves it with no mercy THE THEATRE WAS SO QUIET the audience could have been asleep. In fact, several of us were, it being 9 a.m., a time known to professional journalists...

[TS]

The Mac vs PC war... A religious war if there ever was.

Sadly this is now literally true.
Brain scans of Apple fans have shown them to respond with activity in the same areas of the brain as people worshipping.

It just confirms my long held suspicions. Go to any Apple forum on the net and see the response to criticism of an Apple product or a new "feature" (read: bug).
You will be treated like a blasphemer.

When Steve Jobs dies, there will be people working on getting him canonised as Saint Steve of the Apple.

[TS]

T.S. trying to work a grill...

Jason checking out whether there are annoying Christians around.

If Jason find any annoying Christians, he might join me at the grill.
The town crest of my hometown, features a gridiron symbolising the grilling of Saint Laurence in the year 258.
It might seem a bizarre thing to put on a town crest, but it just follows the old Christian tradition of worshipping instruments of torture.

[Bianca Schlimm]

TS:
This should be the national flag of Uruguay plus a football!!

That is their religion! both of it.

"Only a dead fan is a real fan" sort of

[Bianca Schlimm]

the grilling of Saint Laurence in the year 258

Is that joke?

person?

or village?

if village, what continent?

[TS]

Oh Hail Thee Mighty Google...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lawrence_of_Rome

[Paul]

TS:

I see a sign like that and I am thinking reindeer burgers at the next exit. ;-)

...blast, now I'm hungry.

[Paul]

...wait...you mean Steve Jobs ISN'T a saint yet??? O_o

[Angela]

LL, I also had a failed business venture: iPod for the deaf, which I sold online.

My customer service department was swamped with complaints they did not understand and my shipping department was overwhelmed with product returns. My company eventually folded.

But I am not deterred. My new business plan is on the grill.

Griller for the blind. tadaaa!!!

Comes with manual detailing the scent of various meat at different stages of cooking, eg. medium rare deer steak smells like rudolf landing in Singapore, without deodorant. etc, etc.. you get the idea..

[Angela]

from my Griller for the blind(TM) audio manual:

Kangaroo Steak (well done) -> Mix of woodsy eucalyptus and acidity of rotten orange. Think Aussie backpacker after 3 days in Bali.

Bratwurst -> Crisp aroma of fermented cabbage and subtle musk of beer barrel post-Oktoberfest. Think German tourist sunbathing on a Spanish beach

[Angela]

Ram, Thanks!

My fave photos were of the children. One little girl was puzzled by jelly beans I handed out to the kids. So I put one in my mouth to show them it's edible.

The old woman in blue headscarf sold bananas at the market. She said a lot to me but I don't understand Khmer so I touched my lips and shook my fingers to signal "no talk". When I showed her the photos on the screen she burst out laughing at her own photos. I think she is beautiful. Such kindness in her eyes. She reminded me so much of my late Grandma.

[Angela]

Thanks Uncle Nury for the feature.

Bianca, how old is your son? My daughter said she have no time for boys. But that sounds familiar to me :-)

[Bianca Schlimm]

A: He is almost 10 but he already has an interest for older girls. (well, for one)

[Bianca Schlimm]

Vacations in Germany
Vacations in the regggiioooooooooon
I am much looking forward to it
six weeks provinces....
300 sorts of bread
goethe goethe goethe
wolfsburg...why not?
goethe surely has been here too

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66tbjZnoiJQ

[grandpa]

"The Mac vs PC war... A religious war if there ever was."

It is obvious that successful writers use Mac:
The proof?
look at the picture of grandma on top of this column:

"10 but he already has an interest for older girls. (well, for one)"
It looks to me that grandma will be more in danger that her daughter.

vacation in Germany?
what I like there is the speed limit on the autobahn ( elevator speed x10,000 times)

[Chamin]

@Bianca: If your son is 10, I can play Mari Kart with him. Ask him to forget about the girls :-p

[Chamin]

Opps, Mario Kart :o)

[Lift Lurker]

I have one experience in the last week which give me another idea for product.

We have international meeting by voice teleconference. Usually there is no problem to understand who is speaking even if we are strangers if there is mix of women and men and they have different accents.

But last week everyone was from India.

Kumar in Bangalore, Sanjiv in New York, Ramesh in Texas, Praveen in Mauritius and many others. It was our first time to talk together.

The meeting go something like this:

Someone: "I think we should increase price by 15%"
LL: "Good idea Kumar"
Someone: "This is Ramesh"
LL: "Oh, sorry Ramesh. Good idea. What do you think, Sanjiv?"
Someone: "Maybe we improve delivery time also"
LL: "Good point Sanjiv"
Someone:"Actually this is Praveen"
LL: "Oh, sorry I thought you are Sanjiv"
Someone: "I am"
Someone: "No, you're not. I am"
Someone: "Oh yeah, sorry"
LL: ""I thought you are Praveen?"
Someone: "No, this is Kumar"
Someone: "No it's not. I am Kumar"
LL: "Is this Kumar from Bangladesh?"
Someone: "Yes"
Someone: "No, this is Kumar from Saskatchewan"
LL: "Let us go back to topic. What do you think Praveen?"
Someone: "I like it"
Someone: "I don't like it"
LL: "You don't like it, Praveen?"
Someone: "No"
Someone: "Yes"
LL: "Is that you Praveen?"
Someone: "No it's Sachin from KL"
LL: "I was asking Praveen."
Someone: "Oh, I thought you were asking Amit"
LL: "No.... but if I was asking Amit, why do you answer, Sachin?"
Someone: "I did not answer"
LL: "?? Is that Sachin?"
Someone: "No, it's Gheeta"
LL: "Gheeta? With deep voice?"
Someone: "I answer because my mother call me Amit when I was little"

and so on for more than 2 hours.

I tell you my idea in next post tomorrow

[Bianca Schlimm]

LL:
Maybe I just need a hearing aid! Could you prepare one with sensation of being lifted up and down, airplane like?

Ch.: Does son need drivers license? I don't know the game!

[tamanna]

amazing pictures angela!specially those with the kids..I found that kid who's mom told you that you can have her if you want veryyy cute!
and lucky you guys those are going for a vacation...I havent travelled outside bangladesh since 2005..sigh.

[rafanjr]

..i haven't traveled out my county since birth....double sigh.

[grandpa]

I have not gone aroound the world for ... at least 4 months
Siiiiiiigh!

"Could you prepare one with sensation of being lifted up and down, airplane like?'
You should ask Karuna,from India not Lift Lurker from Liftuania

[Bianca Schlimm]

Poverty sucks!!!

Rafan: give me your mailadress please, I need someone to coach!

[Bianca Schlimm]

Oh lowly Lift Lurk live long!!! tooo nice! XXX

(better low employee than middle. sandwich position discomfortable lah!)
:-)

[Karuna]

Liftie:
We could make a new headphone with inbuilt motion sensor for your Indian colleagues.

Since they are Indians, when they they talk they will move their heads in certain motions along the axis of their neck and ears. Each person can be identified by their unique head motion technique.

The problem will be when they all start to agree or disagree. Then they will all start shaking their heads together!

[Chamin]

Mario Kart needs only a gadget from Nintendo to play it.

To describe, it is a Go-cart (small car requiring no license to drive) race with some funny twists. For example, you can throw huge banana peels on the race track to make other carts slip.

Nobody gets hurt, it is a kids' game. You are back in the race even after falling off a cliff.

[Bianca Schlimm]

Ch: I now fully grasp the broadness of your intellect!!

Karuna: Don't forget there will come more Europeans to India because they need jobs. you've got to invent multi-culturally please!

[Chamin]

@Bianca: I take that as a compliment, no matter what you meant :-p