A new movie ratings system

 
Instead of “PG” and all that stuff, let’s have  “B” for bad, etc

A BUS ROARED past bearing a poster for the animated movie Hop.

“I took my kids to see that film,” I told my book industry colleague Eddie. “It turned out to be shockingly unsuitable for impressionable young minds.”

He was surprised. “I thought it was a cartoon about the Easter Bunny. It had sex and violence?”

I explained that it contained something far more damaging: bad acting and dumb jokes.

I could actually see the kids’ skulls collapsing inwards as their brains shrank.

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Honestly, why don’t the people who put certificates on films warn us about this?

Could not Hop have simply been given a “B” rating for “Bad”?

Occasionally, inspectors DO give extra information. When the recent PG version of Alice in Wonderland came out, the US film board warned viewers that it contained “scary images and a smoking caterpillar”.

This usefully enabled the many groups campaigning against tobacco-using insects to avoid it.
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Movie ratings are a huge issue just now. The July issue of Pediatrics quotes three research studies which said parents felt short-changed by information available.

Last week, the commentators at this website were chatting on-line about the topic, as were some of the readers in Hong Kong.

So here’s a proposed new movie rating system, with many of the ideas coming from a reader named Lift Lurker, or Otis, possibly the most creative Asian person alive.

Instead of “G” for General audiences and “PG” for Parental Guidance and so on, we should have many more categories.
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1) “GM”: This stands for Guy Movie.

Lots of action, but no brain activity involved in the production of the movie, or necessary to enjoy it.

Examples: Rambo and Predator.
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2) “WO”: This stands for Women Only.

Lots of emotion, no car chases.

Examples: Letters to Juliet, Eat Pray Love.
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3) “SP”: These are films for Sick People.

No plots, just violence.

Examples: Saw, Kidnapped.
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4) “GF”: These are for Geek Freaks.

Plot focuses on incomprehensible intergalactic politics.

Example: Star War Episode One.
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5) “BS”: These films are Babysitter Substitutes.

Examples: Shrek, Bolt.
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6) “CEMMC”: Movies which Can Even Make Men Cry.

Examples: Toy Story 3, The Shawshank Redemption.
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You can tell how permissive countries are by the cut-off age for grown-up movies, 18 in most countries.

In Denmark anyone 15 and up can watch grown-up stuff, and in Indonesia, it’s 16.

But Thailand has an “over-20” category and Singaporeans are the most careful people in the world, with young people having to wait until they are 21 to see many Hollywood movies.

Let’s extend the age system. The Last Airbender was so juvenile it should have had an “Under-10s Only” certificate.

Director Night Shyamalan would have to turn up to every showing to babysit the audiences.

Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 should have been “People Aged 120 And Up Only”, so no one would have had to sit through it.
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Meanwhile, a wag who should not be named sent in his analysis of the current classification system.

G: Nobody gets the girl.

PG: The good guy gets the girl.

R: The bad guy gets the girl.

X: Everybody gets the girl.
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Here’s the simplest rating system of all, and it’s worked for me every time.

1) Look at poster.

2) See word “Pixar”.

3) Enter cinema.
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Technorati Tags: movie ratings system,shawshank,airbender,superbabies,rambo,saw

Comments

[Lift Lurker]

possibly the most creative Asian person alive.

(blush) So embarrassing compliment, Uncle Nury. Thank you.

[muttered Liftie at so many qualifications:'alive', 'person', 'Asian', 'possibly','creative' instead of 'dashingly handsome' ]

Shut up ITA!

[Bianca Schlimm]

Being blind and deaf I could always smell how handsome you are!

But now I get totally paranoid and think you might be Nury and Nury might be Rafan and Rafan might be grandpa and I might be Angela....

so please write something that proves your are NOT Nury.

Confusion rules (not).

[grandpa]

"possibly the most creative Asian person alive."
This cannot be.
Liftuania is not an Asian name.
Only a caucasian would have dreamed up a name like this;
what am i saying ?
A cok asian?????
I say we should ban kok, Asian form posteing comments here.

[grandpa]

"“I took my kids to see that film,”

Last week it was Justin Bieber concert..
I understand now why you have so many kids..
You plan to extend the excuses to see kids shows.
When the last one has grown up , the older one's children will take over...
to attract you to the shows

[ITA]

But now I get totally paranoid and think you might be Nury and Nury might be Rafan and Rafan might be grandpa and I might be Angela....

[said Bianca, signaling the begin of dementia]

A cok asian?????

[said granpda. Silicon came out of my virtual nose from laughing]

[rafanjr]

...Bianca, its all part of the fun, i'm always in a struggle to comment using "grandpa" or "Liftie" or "Angela" or even "Nury", but i look like i would be talking to just by myself...

...we should try using ip addresses as names...

[Ram]

Finally, one day, we will discover that a lot of characters commenting here are just figments of one's (Nury???) imagination... !!!

[Bianca Schlimm]

Ram:
when I click your page today it says I was from Bavaria AIYEAHHH, I am NOT from that funny county! I wanted to tell you how sweet I find what you write about your dad. But somehow I cannot write there.

teacher dads are cool!

Mine tought me to think extremely atheistically though and older now I like Nury's view to keep mind open for surprise. (Karl Marx did not know it all, certainly not about other cultures I think)

[Lesley]

If in doubt the British Board of Film Classification is an excellent site for parents who are just not sure if a film is suitable. This is what it said about Hop. WARNING - CONTAINS PLOT SPOILERS!!!

HOP is a comedy, featuring live-action and animated characters, in which the Easter Bunny and a young man looking for a role in life team up to save the Easter holidays. The film was classified 'U' for very mild language and slapstick.

The BBFC's Guidelines at 'U' allow 'Infrequent use only of very mild bad language' and the occasional use of words such as 'God', 'screw up' and 'jerk' meets with this requirement.

The film contains several sequences in which characters face threatening situations or engage in mild violence. However, these scenes have strong comic elements and the action takes the form of cartoon slapstick in which there is no serious or lasting injury. For example, a group of bunnies who make up a special military unit fire darts from blowpipes that stick in human characters who merely fall over as a result. In other scenes, the Easter Bunny is restrained with sticky sweets and thrown onto a candy-making machine with ominous-looking circular blades which he manages to dodge, and a human character is chased by large dogs. These moments are likely to thrill and amuse, rather than frighten, young children as the heroic characters display their resourcefulness in escaping dangerous predicaments. The Guidelines at 'U' state 'Scary sequences should be mild, brief and unlikely to cause undue anxiety to young children. The outcome should be reassuring' and permit 'Mild violence only. Occasional mild threat or menace only'.

The film also contains some very mild sex references in a joke about 'Playboy Bunnies' that young children are unlikely to understand and some moments of comic 'bad manners', such as a character seeming to 'poop' a pile of sweets in order to prove that he really is the Easter Bunny.

Parents can find additional information about the content of this film if they visit www.pbbfc.co.uk.

[Bianca Schlimm]

Lesley, the anti-hairist! I have anti-heightist story.

LL claims to have very deep manly voice.
(ha ha ha ha)

My Uru really has very deep manly voice.

People call him on the phone.

Then they show up in restaurant and look for 2 meter man

They look at hieght of 2 meters and see air.

Deep voice comes from way lower.

From 1.64 m

I "look down" on him from the height of 1.78 m.

Grandpa once wrote it must be embarrassing to climb ladder to kiss woman

But is is not.

It works fine! It's even kind of cute.

[grandpa]

"Grandpa once wrote it must be embarrassing to climb ladder to kiss woman"

I see that you know your classics

[Ram]

@Bianca : Thanks a lot :)) am not sure why you couldnt post there... recently another friend told the same too... I have to check it out...

Well, ma dad was like that till his 40's... but, i dont know.... He is becoming more religious these days, as he grow older... and I agree... Its good to keep the mind open...

[Ram]

@Bianca: So, why do u say "Bavaria" is funny??? and where are u from ???

[Lift Lurker]

I just saw movie. It remind me of 3 pet peeve I have:

1) People talking in a room. Suddenly the hero walk in the room, answering question that was just asked
while he was not there and question he could not possibly heard:

A: "So, the victim was murdered?"
B: "How do we know?"

(Hero walks in)

H: "Because of this clue..."

I try to do this each time I come late into office meeting, hoping my answer fit very nicely with a question someone just asked.

A: "Who order the tuna sandwich?"
LL: (walk into room) "We need to establish committee to study this question"

(Another meeting)

B: "To increase profit, we need to let go some people"
LL: (walk into room) "My experience fit exactly in this category"

The airplane tailspin trajectory of my career show this do not work!

2) Actor who hold paper cup and pretend it is fill with coffee, but very obvious that it is empty (no weight).

I always monitor this in every movie. If actor / actress cannot do this act properly, how can they act the bigger stuff?

This is the most basic of Acting 101.

3) Shower scene.

Only movie Psycho need this (and even this arguable - this scene is as scary even if she was cooking crepes).

All other movie do not need shower scens.

We all know the reason why they have shower scene in movie, and it is just to make us want to buy nice shower stalls.

[Bianca Schlimm]

Ram:
Why do YOU put Bavaria in "goose pimples"? it is a real kindom within Germany, one party rules and rules and rules.
Prussians are supposed to hate Bavaria. I think they are great fun. Only I don't understand much when they talk. But they have super comedians.

I think they eat just as much sauerkraut as polish do and right now I am in Poland and it is very very yummy here

So I should post as Chubby Checker!

But I am a very truthful woman!!! Other than you know who (or one doesn't)...