F-word is my name, he said

Four strange-but-true tales from the world of crime

THE HOT NEW phrase among the professional classes is forensic accounting, a term which conjures up images of white-gloved accountants in labs looking for clues to catch killers.

Is it as cool as it sounds?

“Occasionally it’s like that. But other times it can be really dull, involving painstaking re-examination of ancient files,” an accountant told me.

To demonstrate, she sent me a cutting from an issue of Forensic Accountant Newsletter.

A Canadian judge threw a case out of court because a witness was too boring to endure, it said.

The judge said the man was "beyond doubt the dullest witness I've ever had in court... [he] speaks in a mono-tonal voice and uses language so drab and convoluted that even the court reporter cannot stay conscious."

The judge closed the case with the classic words: "I've had it. Three solid days of this steady drone is enough. I cannot face the prospect of another 14 indictments. it's probably unethical but I don't care."

So there we have it—a whole new type of legal defense: bore the judge beyond endurance.
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This is almost as offbeat as a defense used by a man from Pingtung, Taiwan, who was furious after being booked for speeding.

In the space on the speeding ticket in which he was supposed to write his name, motorist Hsu Huei-yuan, 27, instead wrote a three-word phrase (F* Y* M*) urging the police officer to have an Oedipal relationship with his mother.

Police asked the courts to jail him for three years for insulting an officer.

Hsu came up with an astonishingly creative argument. He said the three-word phrase WAS his name. It was a nickname he’d been called since childhood, he claimed.

He failed to win the case, but certainly deserves his place in any list of World’s Most Far Fetched Legal Defenses.
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Accountancy and crime come together in Japan.

Consider this item from a Tokyo newspaper:

“The Yamaguchi-gumi organization is undergoing a restructuring with four of its units due to be rationalized out of existence to forestall cash-flow problems.”

It sounds like a typical business report—until you remember that the Yamaguchi-gumi is one of the world’s biggest criminal gangs. Does the group’s financial officer refer to the chief hit man as the “human resources officer” and contract killing as “downsizing”?

Anyway, NO WAY am I going to make jokes about these dudes. After the head and body of Japanese gangster Tadayoshi Koshi were found separately in the Yamato River, Osaka, police said it was a case of suicide. It must take a REALLY tough guy to cut his own head off.
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Or consider the case of the robber who entered McDonald's in Sydney, waved a knife at staff and demanded cash from the till.

Staff told him that there was an accounting rule that they could not open the cash register unless someone bought something.

The cash-strapped raider was stumped. He peered at the price list of the Big Macs and french fries.

Embarrassed, he apologetically withdrew his robbery threat and left empty-handed.

So there we have it: accountancy stops crime.
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(Illustration from collegehumor.com: Sometimes your name is going to make life a problem for you…)
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Your narrator is sitting at his desk on a Friday morning writing this, having finished his large cappuccino, and wondering whether to go for a second one.

It’s been a tough couple of weeks to be a humorist—when a big disaster with happens nearby, one has to deliberately tone down the laughs, toeing the line between being topical and being seemly. But even the gentle level of postings in the past few weeks has been too much for some publishers.

Never mind. I think everything will get back to normal by next week. Do send me some ideas for new topics to investigate—newsy ones if possible. What am I working on? There have been a couple of cases of people who have been wrongly declared dead trying to prove they are alive, with limited success—if you stumble across similar cases, or have thoughts on the subject, add them to the comment column, or email me – nury@vittachi.com.

Also, I notice it is Bangladesh’s 40th anniversary today—we have  LOT of readers from that country, including Farah and Mahjuja, so happy birthday to all of you guys.
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Technorati Tags: dumb criminal,yakuza,yamaguchi gumi

Comments

[Ram]

I think the independence day of Bangladesh is on 26th March(tomorrow)... Anyways, Happy Independence Day friends!!!

[Como Ganhar Dinheiro na Internet]

Happy independence Day!!!
very good!
thanks.

[grandpa]

Happy Independence Day:
Stay single forever

[PB]

This could only have happened in Oz-land because

1. Only an Australian robber would have been so stupid as to believe what the McDonald's staff said

2. Only an Australian McDonald's staff member would have been so stupid as to believe their accountant rather than a knife-waving robber

But maybe that's because all Australian accountants are even more feared than robbers.....

But as a final comment

Even an Australian robber would refuse to eat a big Mac rather than to rob the till ( think about that one... !)

I recently tried a big Mac in a fit of morbid and masochistic nostalgia , and it was bad I I ever remember it ..... To be fair I also tried a Burger King whopper, and that was just as bad , despite being " pan seared"

[Raiya Kishwar Ashraf]

Accountancy doesn't only stop crime, it can kill as well! Try going through the entire process of writing up a set of financial statements: a master budget, journals, daybooks, legders, Profit and Loss Statements (including Manufacturing a/c), Appropriation a/c, Cash Flow Statements, etc, only to find that your Balance Sheet doesn't balance by Tk. 5 would make people feel like jumping off bridges.

Well, that's how A Level Accounting students feel almost everyday!

Somehow the double image reminded me of Dexter- Accountancy: Sinner or Saviour?

The Independence Day of Bangladesh is tomorrow, yes: 26th March, 2011. So happy birthday to my country!

[tamanna]

thanks everyone..
i wish some people really understood the value of 26th march..

[rafanjr]

"Happy Independence Day:
Stay single forever"

... grandpa, i never knew how traumatic marriage is to you...awwww

[farah]

thanks for the Inpendence wish everyone. ironically the country is supposedly independent but the people are not.

there is a site on whether it can be known whether famous people are dead or alive with interactive quizzes as well. i havent checked out the site yet but if anyone's interested you can click here www.deadoraliveinfo.com/.

[grandpa]

@

"... grandpa, i never knew how traumatic marriage is to you...awwww"

It was not traumatic , as a former educator,still educator I would not stop warning the young people about life's dangers.
There are campaigns against tobacco,alcohol, aids , teenage pregnancy , but the world's Hypocrisy would not mention the social habit of marriage, which kills more than
cars , elevators and airplanes accidents together.....

[Forensic Accountants in NYC]

Great post! Forensic accounting can be 'boring' and require painstaking accuracy but it is such an important field that must be taken very seriously. It is so often that fraudulent activity happens, someone must be classically trained in catching these criminals and put an end to this activity. This is also not a new field, as it was a forensic accountant to catch gangster Al Capone...that would have been a neat case to work on, huh!