Charlie Sheen’s guide to life

 
Celebrities line up to join anger management classes

THE WORLD’S MOST FAMOUS hell-raiser strikes again. A reader told me last week that she had changed her mind about sending her kids to university in the west “because of Charlie Sheen.”

Huh? That didn’t make sense to me. I told her the drug-addled actor was “just one person in one place. He doesn’t visit every student at every university in every country to encourage them to behave as badly as he does.”

She was unpersuaded. “He might,” she said. “He could travel.”
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Later, I realized she was right. Charlie Sheen IS already everywhere, whispering in every ear. By being a stupid, evil egomaniac, he’s made himself the number one celebrity gossip topic around the world against amazing opposition.

But there are others like him. For example, I’m guessing that property developers are reading this and asking themselves a question: “I too am a stupid, evil egomaniac. Why am I not as famous as Charlie Sheen?”

Good question. In my opinion, Mr Sheen has an edge over the rest of us, because he is mad in both senses of the word: angry and possibly insane.

This is the man who responded to being sacked by requesting a US$1 million pay rise.

This is a guy who regularly hints that he is not from earth.

Top three Charlie Sheen quotes:

1. “You can't process me with a normal brain.”
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2.) “My brain fires in a way that is, I don't know, maybe not from this particular terrestrial realm."
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3.) “I’m tired of pretending like I’m not special. I’m tired of pretending like I’m not bitchin’, a total freakin’ rock star from Mars.”
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No, wait. I think that last one might be from Confucius.
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But of course all communities have their own Charlie Sheens, grossly misbehaving children of bad parents.

• India has Shaan Uttamsingh, mayhem-causing grandson of Bollywood film producer G P Sippy.
• China has bad driver Li Qiming, famous for trying to escape manslaughter charges with the phrase “My father is Li Gang.”
• Japan has Hello Kitty, who has been dressing inappropriately in recent months.

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People maddened by anger are scary.

On Monday last week, a burglar broke into a home in the US state of Oregon, I learn from a link sent by a reader. The homeowner was so furious that the terrified intruder locked himself in the bathroom and called the cops.

I wonder what he said? “Police? I broke into this house in Portland and found a guy with a gun and two dogs who is angry with me about something.”
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A different reader told me a similar tale, about a bungling trio of thieves who broke into a house in the western suburbs of Delhi on January 28. The homeowner was out, but neighbors spotted them and an angry crowd soon gathered, anxious to dispense instant justice. Again, the thieves phoned the police. ”Come and arrest us,” they said. “And hurry.”
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Going back to angry, misbehaving celebs, I’m not surprised that Mr Sheen, Mel Gibson and John Galliano were all told to take anger management classes.

But did you know that little Demi Lovato, the Disney actress who started as a cute child in Barney the Dinosaur, last week also completed such a course? Apparently she was forced into it after she beat some guy up.

I hope it was Barney.

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Last night, my neighbor told me she was taking anger management classes. I was amazed—she was patient, sweet-natured, intelligent woman. She told me that everyone gets angry, and everyone could use help managing it. Some let it explode on the outside,while others internalize it. Apparently it’s often the quiet ones who seem like they have no visible tempers at all, who have the most problems. That explains Hello Kitty, perhaps.

Technorati Tags: Demo Lovato,Barney,anger management,Charlie Sheen,funny,winning

Comments

[Jason]

"For example, I’m guessing that property developers are reading this and asking themselves a question."

You give the developers far too much credit of being even in the slightest self-aware.

[Denise]

Any kid who beats up Barney should get an award.

[Dancer Arroyo]

'Apparently it’s often the quiet ones who seem like they have no visible tempers at all, who have the most problems. That explains Hello Kitty, perhaps.'

Joining the anger management class would also include Miffy, the always cross-lipped Dutch rabbit.

[Paul]

They say money can't buy you love.

But as Charlie proves, it can buy you coked-up porn star parties.

But once that $$$ train departs, lets see how Charlie's winning attitude presses forward.

I smell a reality show in the works...or maybe a run for public office. ;-)

[Jason]

Charlie doesn't pay women for sex, in his words, he pays them to go away afterward. As to a reality show, Two and a Half Men was already a veiled cover of his own life anyway.

[Lift Lurker]

Two very different story. Same headlines:

Big Shock
Crack
Aftershocks
Deluge
Meltdown
Fallout
Cleanup
Crisis
Touched
Pressure
Disbelief

Both very sad (two different meaning of sad).

[Bianca Schlimm]

The best info I can get as far as now is in the new york times.
scary
2011 started so nicely and now this

what could one do to feng shui new clear out of the world?

I am at least looking forward to what mister wong will say ...

[rafanjr]

...anger managment should be incorporated in the educational system of war freak countries.....

yes, the US included.

[Christyn Rana]

My sister was labelled a mouse by my father since birth. She almost was. Then she grew up and she beats me sorry everyday. All that years of mouse label is peeling off.

[free psychics]

What could be the reason why he ended up with this situation. I feel pity for him. Maybe he had experienced depression in his life.