Shock: China is Scots outpost

Breaking news on ancient fair-haired mummy unwrapped in Xinjiang

CHINA IS SCOTTISH. The mystery blonde who was the first inhabitant of Western China is actually a redheaded Scot, readers tell me. And not only is Xinjiang an outpost of Scotland, but so is AMERICA.

If it all sounds a bit far-fetched, consider the evidence.

Readers raced to fill in details after this column last week printed the tale of a 4,000-year-old mummy from China who turned out to be a Westerner.
*
First, Stephanie Mitchell wrote to say that she saw the partially unwrapped mummy close-up in Beijing. The hair has an orangy tinge and “she looks Celtic [Scottish],” she said.

Karuna Menon studied photos and reckons the mummy looks like Lindsay Lohan after a serious Friday night of substance abuse. Ms Lohan is pale-skinned, freckled and ginger-haired (classic Scottish traits) and looks about 4,000 years old in her police arrest photos. Mummies are preserved in ancient chemicals, while Lindsay appears to have been pickled alive by drink. (She claims her favorite drink is kombucha, fermented Chinese tea.)]

*
But the real proof came from Connie Chim, who wrote that the mummies’ clothes had plaid patterns, like Scottish kilts. I assumed she was joking, but she sent links to archeological reports which said they wore plaid textiles and had tam-o-shanters, Scottish berets.

How could Scots get all the way to China four millenniums before planes were invented?

“There must have been some AMAZING cut-price tours offered,” said a Scottish reader who did not want his name printed. “We’ve always been great travelers because our own country is so &*#$-ing bleak and cold and miserable.”

He claimed that China was a Scottish colony and so was the United States of America. “When the United States was created, nine of the thirteen governors were Scots. The tradition continued. More than 60 per cent of US presidents have Scottish origins.”

He said the name of the current US president should be spelled Barack O’ Bama.

And the president of China, Hu Jintao, was actually Hugh Jintao.

The Scots in fact founded human civilization, and Scotland is the site of the world’s oldest house, called the Knapp of Howar.

“It’s still standing 5,500 years after it was built,” he said. “But I don’t think the mortgage has been paid off yet.”

*
Mummies seem to be big in the news just now. Last week there were reports that looters had stolen stuff from the mummies on display in Egypt’s museums, and some had even taken things from pyramids and ancient tombs. Police are anxious to catch the thieves.

You know what? I wouldn’t really worry about it. Everybody knows about the curse of mummies. You take something from them, and you die horribly soon after. Bad deeds bring about their own punishment.
*
At the bottom of the Scottish guy’s email was a quote from Winston Churchill:

“Of all the small nations of this earth, perhaps only the ancient Greeks surpass the Scots in their contribution to mankind."

He explained: “The Greeks invented democracy, a system used by 90 per cent of the richest nations of the world. But the Scots invented telecommunications—the phone and the television, and the fridge, and of course the world’s most popular food: McDonalds.”

*

*

*
ON UNRELATED MATTERS….

Thanks for all the emails and comments.  Liftie is still on holiday, we all miss him terribly. Karuna had some great ideas for posts – such as the banning of the word “jasmine” in China, after it became a theme for people power revolutions – ideas welcome. Fardel was enchanted by this little girl singing a Lady Gaga song – this child’s video got 8 million hits in four days, and now she has been signed up to sing with Ms Gaga herself.

Technorati Tags: Scotland,scottish,china,beauty of xiaohe,scots in china,scottish explorers,knapp of howar

Comments

[Judy]

Dear Nury,

Actually Barak Obama does have Scottish ancestry:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/7710199.stm

Thanks for a funny article!

Judy

[Elaine]

Life is so strange. I just looked at Judy'slink. Mr jam's readers makes an outrageous joke and it turns out to be true... life is now officially stanger than fiction!!

[A.L.]

Obama used to call himself Barry, definitely sounds more scottish than barack.

[ajax]

As a Scot, I like the article, but as an historian, I have my doubts! It is not just Scots (and I am one) who have red hair........Viginr, and assorted Celts from modern day Switzerland to Turkey also have redish hair, and share a common ancestry. Plaid too (an American word) was widely worn throughout pre Roman conquest Europe.....and so, as was rightly said, the Scots aka British, have been responsible for most of today's essential mod-cons; but it is more likely to have been other 'celts' or Vikingr than reached as far as China.

[grandpa]

Why do I always have to correct things said on this post ?

You do not have to be a genius to see that they are the same person.
The first one was abducted by aliens, and timewarped to 4000 years ago by uncle Nury's tribe , the red haired aliens who colonized China,Scotland, Switzerland .
(Yes I know , uncle Nury does not have red hair, but you have to prove it)
The question is why did they do that?
Just to play tricks on modern historians, and to show Chinese that they were there first.
I would not be surprised if a Western country would claim this land , just to dig up its oil.

[Outraged Scottish]

Since when are Scottish the same as the British?

[TS]

Since when are Scottish the same as the British?

Since 1 May 1707.

[Jason]

Ah, all you white people the same to me! :p Says the guy with Irish-Scottish blood.

[Clan McDonald]

What annoys me is when people say Hong Kong was a British colony. This is patent rubbish. Hong Kong was a Scottish colony. Hong Kong Bank -- scottish. Jardines == scottish.

In fact, if you want to know the truth, the British never had an empire. It was th4e Scottish Empire.

[Jason]

Since the English kicked the Scots butts and made them a vassal state, wouldn't the Scottish Empire then technically have been the British one? :)

[Feedom!]

Us Scots were welcomed as good rulers, specially when we brought Scotch whiskey with us.

We might have ended up ruling the world, but like all failed empires we overplayed our hand. This we did when we inflicted our bagpipes to the world. And the world rose up and said enough!

[grandpa]

A nation can be "annexed" "swallowed" invaded..
It still may remain a nation ....with a free spirit.
look at Brittany, at the Basques, and at Corsica

It became French in 1532 , but still has is own culture,its own language,its own misuque and traditions;
It was never Scottish , either!

[TS]

.

[Sarah Jumel]

What confuses me is that damn near every mummy's hair I've ever seen is reddish, making me think normal hair just fades out that way. Black dogs left outside get reddish hair, which makes me think it just fades. If you do not believe me, check out The Mummy Congress from the library; lots of dead folk with snazzy curls but all of them are red.

[Paul]

British Empire - Scottish Empire...meh.

Rumor has it that the UK sent all the really cool people (also see definition of naughty) to Australia (see convicts) and the US ( see religious extremists, indentured servants, and tax evaders). It was all downhill for the empire after that.

;-)

[Clan McDonald]

Breaking news! The beauty of Xiaohe, or Lindsay Lohan, has been released. The museum in the US has been allowed to show her after a sudden change of heart by the Beijing authorities. It was in the news this morning.

I suspect the change of heart follows the revelation, in this column, that if the mummy is Scots rather than european, thhis is good news for all concerned.

here's the breaking news report:

http://www.newsworks.org/index.php/flexicontent/item/13504-18pcmummy/

[Jason]

Good one Paul.

That reminds me of Robin Williams from Live in New York: "The Puritans, our ancestors...people so uptight the English kicked them out."

[Angela]

So who will wear the pants if I were to date a scot?

*

The scottish empire's colonial reign expanded beyond earth's final frontier. Ancient Scots were admired as fearless voyagers who boldly go where no mini-skirt clad man has gone before. They are famously known for having built the Starship Enterprise.

*beam me up scotty

[Bill]

I vaguely remembered a quote from Kenneth Williams on the utility of the kilt. I looked it up on Google, and here it is...

"The kilt is the perfect garment for the two main activities of Scotsmen abroad: fornication and diarrhoea."

Interestingly, I found it on a web page from The Daily Star, in a column written by Nury Vittachi in August 2008.

[Jason]

I'd prefer to think of Angela in a kilt, but I can't speak for the other lecherous old men on the site.

And Bill I believe the utility of the kilt is so the sheep can't hear the zipper.

[Paul]

Jason,

From what I am told, Scotsmen eat haggis, so I think "hearing the zipper" may be the least of the sheep's worries.

;-)

[grandpa]

@Jason

Do you mean that you are thinkinbg of us............in a kilt ????
You @&éB8@&é

[Chamin]

> You @&éB8@&é
ROFL :-D

The Scottish are doing great here in Japan, too. They have the annual festival (Scottish Highland Festival, if I remember the name right) with all the bagpipes, dances and traditional games. Lots of people, food, fun, and of course skirts :-p

[Angela]

Chamin, in Japan, I attended a US military ball where ladies were all decked out in long gowns and the laddies (as TS aptly put it) were in tartan micro minis, and carrying bagpipe.

twas a balls..I mean ball. Indeed.

*

On the subject of diarrhea, I was on my morning jog at the park when a Myna flying overhead had a loose bowel movement, and conveniently used my head as its porta-pottie. If I had a gun I would have hunted down the pesky avian, as this was not the first time I had been at the receiving end of a bird's digestives. I was lamenting the unfortunate incident to my sister when she said, "just be grateful cows don't have wings."

[Angela]

I am also grateful that scotsmen don't have wings.

[grandpa]

@ grandma
You should know the birds like to make jokes...Too

Maybe it is the same bird, practicing its target skills on you.

Here, I am very careful when I see pelicans . they love to fly over pedestrian.
"I am also grateful that scotsmen don't have wings."
You are right ..
You would be looking up ...when walking
""I am also grateful that scotsmen don't have wings."
Do you know why they do not have wings...?
So that people do not think that they would be flying bells

[Graham]

Since things are being stolen from Egyptian museums, could this be the real version of Pyramid Selling?

[grandpa]

It looks to me like I was in the first of 15 millions people enchanted by this little girl's voice.