Finding: We’re 4% Neanderthal

 
So the Paleo Solution will turn you into a lean, mean hunter-gatherer

A WOMAN I KNOW had a big fight with her boyfriend. He drank a bottle of whiskey, took off all his clothes and rolled naked on the floor singing “Baby, Baby”.

She complained.

He said his behavior was perfectly normal for guys at parties.

She said, yeah, but not at my mother’s lunch parties.

She accused him of behaving “like a Neanderthal”.

He replied: “I AM Neanderthal, according to the latest research.”

 

I looked it up. He was partly right. “Between one and four percent of the genomes of people in Eurasia are derived from Neanderthals,” Science magazine reported recently.
*
The buzz immediately went around our social group that scientists had declared this guy the Missing Link, child of a human mother and Neanderthal (“Australian”) father.

At first I thought this was silly, but considering his behavior (and hairiness), I realized we may have stumbled on the truth.

Anyway, he didn’t mind, since his reputation as the last living pre-human made him MORE rather than less attractive to young women, creatures whose logic circuits defy analysis.
*
That was a couple of months ago.

Last week, a reader from the US wrote to tell me that the Caveman Lifestyle is the hot new thing in her country. Books with titles like The Paleo Solution are flying out of the shops. These aren’t just diet books. You have to act like cave people too.

You eat raw food. You walk barefoot. You starve yourself one day a week. Instead of jogging, you have short, quick bursts of exercise, as if you were running away from a saber-tooth tiger. Once a month you donate blood to simulate the times you failed to outrun the beast. Once a week you drag heavy objects around, to simulate bringing home a new chunk of meat (or, for guys, a new wife).
*
I showed The Paleo Solution to my Neanderthal / Australian friend. He read through the blurb and scratched his head. “I already do all that stuff,” he said. “Except for dragging home a new woman once a week. I prefer two a week.”
*
Still skeptical, I emailed a question to the reader in the US:

“Isn’t this just the latest ephemeral, short-term lifestyle fad?”

She replied that the opposite was true:

“The Paleo lifestyle is how hominids lived for 2.5 million years. The truth is that modern life is just the latest ephemeral, short-term lifestyle fad.”

*
To my surprise, my wife liked the idea. “I’ve got no problem with us reverting to the hunter-gatherer lifestyle,” she said, picking up the credit card. “I’m off to the mall to do some gathering.”

*

In the interests of science, I decided to try out the diet part of the plan, strictly limiting myself to only simple, primitive foods that cavemen would have eaten, such as fruit, nuts and instant noodles.

After 20 minutes, I was so hungry that I was unable to prevent myself heading out for a large double-shot cappuccino with chocolate sprinkles and a three-course meal on the side. Sorry, paleo people. If one has to choose one way or the other, there’s a lot to be said for modern life, even if it is just a short-term fad.

Technorati Tags: paleo,caveman diet,neanderthal,neadertal,science magazine,weight loss

Comments

[grandpa]

Am I Neanderthal if
I like Lady Gaga ?
I eat sushi?
I am a rap singer?
I like to dance in the heavy noise of a night club?
I like the drums beat?
I like barbecued chicken/duck/ostrich Drumsticks?
I love beef carpaccio?
I like to sleep outdoors ?
In good company, under a full moon? n...k..d ?
i like to go the the stadium to scream at the other team?
I am afraid in the dark ?
I am afraid to be alone ?

No,

I am a modern Homo carpiens.

[Paul]

Wait, I am confused now...I thought we were all related to that Blonde Chinese mummy....no?

Also if "Between one and four percent of the genomes of people in Eurasia are derived from Neanderthals,” then does this mean that people who are more hairy are carrying the 3-4% and people who are less hairy carry the 1-2%?

...or does this just mean that those with the greater percentage tend to grunt more when they eat? ;-)

[rafanjr]

..."Between one and four percent of the genomes of people in Eurasia are derived from Neanderthals,” only if one believes in Darwin. I prefer "between one and four percent of the genomes are derived from Jews"

[Jason]

To rip off the original Battlestar Galactica opening, "There are those who believe that life here...began out there..."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHD1uPVkyk0

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panspermia

[Chamin]

In the word "Neanderthals" you have all the letters needed to write "Netherlands" (an extra "a", too). Is that coincidence or genomes?

[Cowardly Anonymous]

Great! I'm 4% Neanderthal AND 75% water!

[Knopka]

The Paleo style may work for some people, if so, more power to them.

But the references that humanity as a whole used to live like that are simply wrong, from a historical point of view, and I wish people would stop citing popular hitsory ideas as a fundament for their modern views and ideas. "The Paleo lifestyle is how hominids lived for 2.5 million years." is just wrong. The ways humanity lived in that time are to a great part unproven, and to another part scientists are pretty sure that humanity survived and thrived because it had the ability to try out quite a lot of differing styles of life and adapt quickly.
We have enzymes to digest food that our ancestors had no access to, for example, or rather, parts of current humnity have those enzymes, and parts don't. We already eveolved away from our ancestors from a million years ago, and so did our digestive tract.

A million years ago, there were peoples living of raw food and waaaaay, way, way less meat than most paleo dieters I've encountered consumed. (Way less. Plus, they only got to be about 35, and then they died, most of them. Today, that's the age at which most of us just started to think that hard about our diet... ;p)
Others are said to have lived from sea fruit, others more fruit and an almost vegan diet, insects or natural forms of cereals - just as varied and adapted to their environment as non industrialized populations today!

Variation and adaptability was humanities big advantage. That's the only thing we know for sure.
Interesting that the paleo diet seems to consist of the way of life that is loosely associated with the European population of pre historic times, but not to that of other continents. I know the people of Thuringia f.e. lived a lot like that - but that was just one possible niche.

[Christyn Rana]

my brother is still a neanderthal. the princess one. if she existed at all. she reincarnated.

[Chamin]

By my previous analysis on words, I conclude that Netherlands is 90% Neanderthal.

Ok, that is probably about the same as I am :-p

[TS]

It was almost unavoidable, as the different Homo genus got successful in surviving the hardships of nature, that they would end up living in close proximity.

25,263 B.C. June 21st just before sunset. A Neanderthal man comes back to his cave after a long day of hunting.
At the entrance of a neighbouring cave sits a Homo Sapiens called Bob.

Bob shouts out "Blimey! Hello there Ned. Nuff said, yeah?"

Ned: "Gah?"

Bob: "Gawdon Bennet! Did yew catch something? OK?"

Ned: "Gah?"

Bob: "Blimey! I see yew are draggin' a deer, could I buy a cut ov that guv'ner? Nuff said, yeah?"

Ned: "Gah?"

Although Ned the Neanderthal had a large brain, he didn't think very fast on his feet and often found it difficult to converse with his neighbour Bob. He had all these snappy comebacks in his head, but sadly they came only after the conversation had moved on. Late at night he lay in the back of his cave and rued over all the dim-witted "Gahs" he used in his replies.

Bob: "Lor' luv a duck! Say, yew give me 'alf ov what deer an' I'll give yew 'alf a rabbi' tomorrow. Know what I mean?"

Before Ned manages to answer with another "Gah" Bob jumps to his feet grabs his flint knife and cuts the deer into two pieces of about 1/4 and 3/4 size. Bob grabs the large piece and disappears into his cave.
Ned looks down at his small piece of meat. He knows he's been had... again...

The next night Ned brings home a Neanderthal girl, Sheila, he met while hunting. She wasn't dating anyone else so he decided to invite her home to his cave for a nightcap (a little hat Ned made from straws in his many lonely nights).

Bob sits in front of his cave as usual.

Bob: "Lor' luv a duck! oy Ned, that's a migh'y fine bird yew got there. Know what I mean?".

Ned: "Gah?"

Sheila: "Gah?"

Bob: "Gawdon Bennet! What do yew wan' wiv old Ned 'ere?, 'e 'ardly speaks an' when 'e does 'e's not very funny. OK?"

Sheila: "Gah?"

Sheila did not know it herself, but subconsciously, she was very much attracted to men with a wide vocabulary.

Bob: "Blimey! Girl, I got a game we two could play. I don't know if yew would like it, but give i' twen'y minutes an' if yew don't like it, just go back ter old Ned. Nuff said, yeah?".

Sheila put out her hand to Bob and Bob led her into his cave.
Ned sat alone and watched the sun go down, holding his ears against the sounds coming from Bob's cave.
He wondered if his race would still watch the sunsets 25,000 years from now.

[Nury]

TS: Brilliant. I am particularly impressed with your recreation of a London accent -- how do you do it, considering you are not even British? Anyway, v funny, thanks so much.
*
Knopa: Thanks for your interesting analysis. I've just noticed that the Paleo diet is actually very similar to the South Beach Diet that my wife and her friends all do endlessly. Same thing under a different name, perhaps. Anyway, it seems to work at getting people into shape. I know Fardel was worrying about having put on a few kilos -- he may like to try it...

[grandpa]

The number of things we learn in this columns is amazing.

This is the best history book I ever read...

No, I am not that fat ......

[TS]

I have long held the opinion that the Neanderthals was conned out of their place in the world by the modern humans, rather than killed and eaten by them. Well, we might have eaten some of the tasty ones.
In my mind it would have been fast talking Chris Rock types, but on Saturday I saw the film "The Prestige" where Christian Bale nails a London accent. He sounded just like some of my colleagues from London.
I found the London/Cockney easier to write and also make the character of Bob clear.

[Sarah Jumel]

Thank you for putting undies on the fat dude in the illustration. Homo Sebaceous would surely have a regrettable butt we would not wish to see on a Monday morning.

[rafanjr]

...LOL on Homo Sebaceous,
...the London/Cockney accent sounded like Popeye talking... or its just probabaly me.

[michael]

Seems to me like most people are more than just 4% neanderthal...