English will never be the same

Momentous change occurs in world language

A SAD DEATH has occurred. It is with a heavy heart that I announce the passing of “th”, formerly a popular and well-loved sound. It formed two-thirds of the word “the”, one of the world’s most frequently spoken words. At the time of death, “th” was more than 800 years old.

Born in Germany as part of the Anglo-Saxon language, it became globally popular after it crossed into English, which then became the world language. People in almost every country in the world regularly used it in words such as “thump” and “thickie” and “threesome” (France only).

Its demise was caused by the fact that there were always hold-out groups who spoke English without this sound.

Londoners used “f” instead, saying, “Fank you very much.”

Singaporeans and Irish used “t” instead, saying “Tanks for tinking of me.”

Residents of Jamaica used “d” as in: “Dis de las’ time I say dis, mon.”

Europeans used “z” in its place, as in: “Zat ees ze beegust one ah ever saw.”

Now linguists say the number of speakers of “th”-free English has overtaken the number of original English speakers.

With “th” is no longer standard, it is likely to spiral into oblivion, reports the Independent newspaper of London.

The world’s top expert on English, Professor David Crystal, says “th” could disappear entirely from ALL forms of English within two generations.
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This news caused consternation in my circles. Many members call ourselves interleckchuals, and some can even spell it.

We attempted to have a conversation without the “th” sound.

“I don’t tink it will be a problem. Dis is not dat difficult to follow, is it?” said the woman sitting opposite me. (It helped that she once lived in Singapore.)

I said: “De problem is dat after talking like dis for a while, you feel like a gangster from 1940s Hollywood, your troat begins to trob, and you get da urge to wear a trilby and carry a violin case.”
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We reckoned that the phrase that will suffer the most was: “This, that and the other,” which will become: “Dis, dat and de udder.”
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The unluckiest word is “thirteenth” which will become “turteent.” The words “thither” and “thenceforth” will become unpronounceable, but no one will miss them.
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Four sentences to avoid when the “th” sound disappears.

1) “I cut the pie into three and gave him a third” will sound like:

“I cut the pie into tree and gave him a turd.”

2) “I will take a blood sample by stabbing your thumb” will sound like:

“I will take a blood sample by stabbing your tum.”

3) “He was arrested for stroking her thigh,” will sound like:

“He was arrested for stroking her tie.”

4) “I loathe Pokemon” will sound like

“I load Pokemon.”
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Scriptwriters trying to write in English with no “th” sounds will have a challenge.

To set you up for the new era, try translating the following speech into normal English.
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Oh bovver. Dare was no time for furder diderring, so I introduced my swarty etnic girlfriend Bet Wortington to my farter Artur, my mudder Header and my bruvver Eaten.

My farter, an orter, said Bet looked healty and wealty. Bet smiled, showing us her teat.
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Technorati Tags: loss of th,david crystal,english,world language,asian english

Comments

[Lift Lurker]

There was professor who had a lisp. His class went swimming at the beach. He swim too far from shore and he started sinking. So he wave his arms to attract attention and get help.

They shouted : "Professor, are you ok?!"

He shout back: "I'm thinking! I'm thinking!!"

So they left him alone to think.

And think like a rock he did.

Moral: I tink da "th" ith tafe for ath long ath dere are people who lithp.

(Until "Operation Smile" get them all)

[Angela]

Konichiwa!

This is the real danger of losing "TH".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSdxqIBfEAw

[TS]

This reminded me of an email that was floating around some years back.

I apologise if I have posted this before, any mention of erosion of a language and I will post it.
In other words, I will post this email at the drop of a hat or a "th".

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European
Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in
communications between Government
departments.

European officials have often pointed out the English spelling is unnecessarily difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomolies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using "s" instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard "c" could be replaced by "k" sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it would be announsed that the troublesome "ph" would henseforth be written "f." This would make words like "fotograf" twenty persent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible.Governments would enkourage the removal of double leters whish have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop them and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing "th" by "z." Perhaps zen ze funktion of "w" kould be taken on by "v," vitsh is, after al, half a "w." Shortly after zis, ze unesesary "o" kould be dropd from vords kontaining "ou." Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermnt vud finali have kum tru.

[Douglas Beyer]

Nury, you scared Martha with your announcement of the death of "TH." She immediately though of our dear friend, T H Wong. Gotta be careful.

[Christy]

I used to have an English tutor who fined us 50 cents for every mispronounced "th" sound.

We have 3 distinct "th" sounds in Arabic, unvoiced, voiced, and empahtic. The Egyptians pronounce both the voiced and the emphatic as "z" and all the other Arabs I've met seem to hate it.

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

In Japan, "th" is replaced with either "s" (as in "san kyuu!") or "z" (as in "lordo ohu zaa ringu"). So, no change here if "th" passes away :-p

[grandpa]

Zis woz berry phoney
Frank you beary much.

[Nury]

Douglas, tell Martha that TH Wong is healthy and wealthy and will outlive all of us. The same cannot be said of the English language.

Chamin, I had to think about your entry for a while, but now i get it. For anyone else still struggling:
'san kyuu" is "Thank you".
"lordo ohu zaa ringu" is "Lord of the RingS."

Thanks Grandpa, your joke I can understand easily.

TS, thanks, I enjoyed seeing that again, and it will be new to some readers, for sure.

[Angela]

Few days ago I was at a christmas party when a Japanese woman sitting next to me said, "You have a nice shoes."

"Thank you!" I said and smile.

"I rob it!" she bobbed her head and smiled at me.

I didn't know if I should call security.

Seems Japanese don't like letter "L"

Another Japanese lady told me she will meet me by the escarator.

Then she asked if my house in Singapore has bus stop. "Yes, I said." "Just outside the gate."

She was really surprised and asked if all houses in Singapore has bus stop outside the gate. I explained that it depends on your luck if the bus stop is built near your place. We continued talking in mixed Nihonglish until I realized she was asking me about "bath tub" not "bus stop"

aiyaaah!

[sej]

When you're walking in front of someone who is talking, or near someone on a mobile phone, even though you probably won't understand the conversation, you don't have the context, you will nonetheless at least be able to understand the words they are saying.

It struck me today, as I was walking in front of this American couple, I couldn't even understand their words. I could hear them as plain as day. I could recognise it as English. I couldn't understand a single word.

[Lift Lurker]

sej, I met an Australian in my Lift. She does not have 'R' in her language.

She ask me: "How's yoh pahtnah?"

Me: My what?

She: Pahtnah

Me: You mean parrrtnerrr? My wife?

She: Yes

Me: There is letterrrr 'R' in parrrtnerrr!

She: I know there's a letter 'Ah' in pahtnah

Me: So why you not pronounce them?

She: I did: Pahtnah. See? I do say the 'Ah's.

[Ali Baba]

A Japanese friend asked me, "how often do you take a bus?"

I thought for a while and then replied, "may be once a month."

She stared at me for a while and then repeated the question.

I then realized she was asking how frequently I take a bath.

[TS]

@Ali Baba,

On public transport, I quite often come across people where "once a month" could be the answer to both variations of your question.

How come, when the odds are even, that you never end up with your nose in the best cleavage in town, but always under the worst armpit in the world?