When CFOs take over

The staff manual, as re-written by your company’s chief accountant

I HAVE SERIOUS bad news. News reports say that the recession has removed the power of Chief Operating Officers, the people who expand companies by investing in jobs and equipment. At the same time, it has RAISED the power of Chief Financial Officers, the guys who go around destroying expansionist projects with large axes, sometimes literally.

This worries me. I know a CFO. He eats nails for breakfast, sometimes with bits of crucified former staff members still attached.

What can we expect as people like him rise in power?

Here’s the answer:

The Staff Manual, As Re-Written by The CFO:

Dental coverage:

To save costs, from now on, all tooth extractions will be done by the engineering department.

Blood donation:

Employees are reminded NOT to volunteer to donate blood. Blood donation will be considered Theft of Company Property.

Sick leave:

From now on, sick leave must be booked six weeks in advance. Nobody will be allowed to be sick without prior booking. The only exception with be Death. Staff members who die need only give four weeks' notice.

Maternity leave:

We will maintain full maternity coverage for staff. However, all positions which come with pregnancy coverage will from now on be filled by men.

Coffee breaks:

The staff canteen will be closed. Staff are recommended to drink a day's worth of coffee before coming to the office.

Overtime Pay:

Staff members who work more than the official number of working hours will be paid extra. However, the official number of working hours from now on will be 24 per day.

Child Labor:

All underage workers on our factory lines have been sacked. However, the "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day" tradition will now be celebrated all year round, for both sexes. We suggest you drop your children off at the factory floor every morning at six a.m. and collect them at six p.m.

Minimum wage:

A competition will be held for all unit leaders to see who can pay their staff members the lowest wage. The winners will get their salaries on time.

Office supplies:

Auditors have calculated that 12,273 kilos of office supplies items are stolen by staff every year. Each staff member will therefore be required to bring 67 sheets of A4 paper and 20 paperclips from their home to the office every week.

Staff insurance:

Staff will be pleased to hear we have obtained fire and theft insurance. The insurance company will cover, in full, the cost of any items of staff property which have been stolen while on fire.

Compassionate leave:

This will no longer be allowed, as management is unable to understand this concept.

Toilet breaks:

To remove the temptation of wasting time in the toilets, all toilets have been removed. Please use the facilities at home before coming to work.

Conclusion:

If any employee has any questions about the new arrangements, please write them on paper and deliver them to the factory furnace, where they will help to lower our heating bills.

Thank you and enjoy your day.

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ON A RELATED THEME…. Dr Evil and son appear on TV talk show:
 

Dr. Evil: Hello, Scott. Daddy's back.

His son, Scott: How could you do this to me? On national television?!

Dr. Evil: Well, throw me a frickin' bone here, Scott.

Scott: Why'd you run out on me?

Dr. Evil: Because you're not quite evil enough.

[audience starts groaning]

Dr. Evil: [to audience] Well, it's true. [to Scott] You're quasi-evil. You're semi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just 1 calorie. Not evil enough.
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ON AN UNRELATED NOTE…

Sorry that some of your comments are not getting through, Fardel and others. I think the web server people (Typepad.com) must be trying out new anti-spam measures, forbidding certain words, like “cheap”. You can always email me anything you want posted – nury@vittachi.com

Minkha, you are right – travelling from west to east can be a nice sort of jet lag, leaving you in a state where you fall asleep really easily, and wake up early feeling as if you had a lie-in…

Comments

[Dancer Arroyo]

Uncle... please don't show this to the Cafe de Coral management. They have suffered enough.

[Paul]

Matrimonial Leave:

This will no longer be granted based on the statistical evidence that most marriages now end in divorce. Just because you plan to make a potentially wrong decision does not mean we should be an enabler.

Toilet Breaks (amended):

To alleviate issues of inhumane treatment with regard to long working hours and bodily function the previous ban on toilet breaks will still be in effect, but every workstation chair will be replaced with a individual toilet. Please make your preference (sit down or squat) known to your supervisor by the end of the week. Now doing your business and our business no longer need be in conflict.

[sheilajade]

Very clever Paul.

[TS]

Memos:
n ordr 2 sAv disc spAc & extend d Lyf expectancy of our [abc]z, aL memos wiL nw b RitN SMS lngwij.

[Nury]

funny!
You guys rock

[Nikki]

such witty sarcasm is adorable. :)

[Christyn Rana]

Insurance: covers weekends. only. Saturday: 9pm - 5am
Sunday: off.

[fardel]

Maternity
Pregnant mothers about to give birth, can use the drop-off counter
Any drop off in excess of 15 mn will be deducted from salary from salary

[Lift Lurker]

Free Corporate Attire:
To improve feeling of professionalism, company will provide all employees with corporate uniform.

Uniform must be worn proudly all times when outside of company. Specially when walking at high populated areas.

Employees must take care of uniform. Damage to the its attached front and back billboards will deducted from salary.

Elevators:
To achieve company goal of carbon Green (and financial Black), elevators will no longer use electricity. We will use manual pulley system. You have to pull yourself up.

Special needs elevator is available for the sick, pregnant and elderly. (All 3 condition must apply).

(I feel sick....)

[Chamin]

Work-life balance:

1. In order to give you more time with your family during the "Golden Week Holidays", the company will give you an extra holiday. This will be deducted from your paid leave.

Save the Earth:
2. Note hat our company has won an award for being environment friendly. In order to discourage energy spending, workers who enter the company premises during the holidays will receive a pay cut to cover the electricity bills.

Automatic attendance
You will no longer be required to sign attendance. Your entry card to the work-area will track your attendance to the minute, and no need to worry!

On unrelated notes; all toilets have been moved outside the card-tracking area. Every 10-minute interval spent outside will result in a pay cut.

These are real ones from a company I worked for in 2009 (okay, until they laid us off :-p)

[TS]

Paper Saving
Only print documents as a last resort. Also remember to use double sided printing as this obviously halves the paper consumption.
The management would also like to take this opportunity to remind the employees that toilet paper has two sides as well.

[Lift Lurker]

This company values its employees.

Please report to Accounting Department for your annual assessment of your personal operating cost to company, cost-benefit ratio, depreciation, and net future value.

[grandpa]

Retirement plan
a mandatory retirement plan will be put in effect immediately.
10% of the employees' salary will be deposited on our "Mutual funds".
Employees will enjoy a lifetime salary equivalent to twice what they make today.
This funds will be made available to those who spend over 40 years with us, when they reach their 70th birthday.

[grandpa]

.......
Effective immediately employees who smoke, will enjoy a 10 % discount on our choice of cigarettes, after the third pack per day, only if they (the cigarettes )are smoked on the premises.
Sorry , there will be no smoking/resting room

[TS]

Email:
The constant stream of emails is a major waste of valuable company time in the office environment today.

To alleviate the problem following procedure have been put in place:
All emails must be approved by the employees immediate supervisor for both sender and receiver.

If employee "A" wishes to send an email to employee "B", "A" must first send it to her/his own supervisor "C" for approval.
"C" will then forward a synopsis to employee "B's" supervisor, "D", for approval.
If "D" approves, she/he will then forward the synopsis to "B" and ask if she/he think this is relevant to her/his work.
"B" will then have to fill out an online form explaining what significance and impact she/he think the email might have on her/his work.
If any physical activity is involved (such as pencil sharpening, stapling or staple removal), she/he must also fill out an online Health & Safety Assessment form to gain a Work Permit.
Once these procedures have been satisfied, "B" can then through "D" request the full email to be forwarded from "C".

[rafanjr]

...come on guys.... not all CFO's are that bad... they are really often worse