The Bank of Goats

Mr Jam tells top financier to turn Europe into a goat-based economy

EUROPE is SO over. Greece went bust, then Ireland. And there are loads of European countries you never hear about any more. What happened to Bohemia, Transylvania, Brattwurst, Sodor, etc?

I’d like to express my deepest sympathy for the European financial community, but I don’t actually feel any. Take my banker friend Mr X (not his real name). Everything he has is incredibly flashy and absolutely enormous: salary, cigar, home, car, ego, wife, child, dog.

Now, at last, ordinary folk like us have the pleasure of sneering at people like him. Let’s enjoy it!

Over lunch I said: “I read that your economic superpower region fell to bits. Too bad. Maybe you can make another one.”

He admitted that Europe had messed up, and said that a conference of international bankers recently concluded that they had to get back to basics.

Basics are what Asians are good at. I told him about the Bank of Goats in Korawan, Allahabad, India. It deals exclusively in goats, taking them in as deposits and lending them out when needed.

“You’re joking,” he said.

I shook my head. “I’m not. They even have a goat ATM, in case you urgently need a goat in the middle of the night. It’s just like a normal ATM except the slot where they come out is HUGE. Sometimes the goats shoot out at high speed, knocking over the whole queue of people waiting to make withdrawals.”

He stared, speechless.

I continued: “OK, that last bit about the ATM was a joke, but the rest is true. There really is a bank of goats in Allahabad, and loads of villages in India and China measure their wealth in farm animals.”

He thoughtfully twirled the hair in his ears before asking: “But surely a bank of goats would be a creative NEW venture? How can you define that as back to basics?”

I sighed. How little bankers know about money! History lesson time. Money has been used as money for only 3,000 years, I told him. Farm animals have been used as money since the dawn of recorded history, or, to use the technical term favored by historians, “for donkey’s years”.

I did a goat versus money comparison.

1) The euro is worth way less this year than last year. In that period, baby goats have doubled in size.

2) Euro bank accounts earn one per cent interest. “Lucky” goats with Allah-shaped birthmarks can be sold at Islamic festivals for US$100,000.

3) In an emergency, a euro is an indigestible piece of paper. Served with poppadums, a goat is rogan josh.

*
My mind drifted. I imagined restructuring my life into a goat-based economy.

My wife would head off to the department stores with a small herd of the things, but she would probably only spend a couple of them on designer dresses before giving up in exhaustion.

And then the goats would eat the dresses.

And then she’d give up shopping for ever.
*
The banker interrupted my reverie with a question: “But how can you chop up nonperforming goats into little bits and trick institutional investors into putting their pension funds into them?”

I said: “You can’t. That’s the best bit.”
*
*

(Cartoon sample from Patrick Chappatte, more about him here)
*

Technorati Tags: ireland,spain,portugal,financial crisis,debt,goat,bank of goats,allahabad,euro crisis

Comments

[Amelia Airhearth]

Oh my! Are you advocating that the US revert back to the Goat Standard, Nury?

Gold standard, Goat Standard, get it? :-P

[Lift Lurker]

Maybe European Union use Ewes instead of goats.

Berna-a-a-a-anke will raise many many goats to make sure price of American goats is low.

Chinese Communist Pa-a-a-a-arty will hoard American goats to make price of American goats high.

Kim Jong Evil will produce animals that look like goat and smell like goat but not really goat and mix them with real goat.

[Jason]

Why would one need to make an urgent goat withdrawal in the middle of the night? Is one in need of companionship?

[Dancer Arroyo]

Certainly a midnight shopping urge would warrant a sudden emergency goat withdrawal?

So much to buy, so few goats...

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

Should I say "Goat Save the Queen"...?

[Nury]

Jason, I can't believe you can get through a whole Friday night every week without the need for a farm animal. Some people are weird.

[grandpa]

Poor goats
http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/found-net/129732-goat-raped-killed.html

[mocking bird]

The currency in use would depend of the country.
I know a lady who was proposed 5 camels if the "buyer" could marry her beautiful daughter

I knew the daughter too....

Mathematically the currency change gives
1 elephant =5 camels= 250 goats=1 spouse
therefore 1 elephant = 1 spouse

Somebody will be cheated there.
who has seen one spouse work as an elephant?

[mocking bird]

To continue...

Who has seen a spouse produce as much milk as 250 goats?

Yes definitely ,once it comes to trading, someone always....loose.

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

The banks can use drop-dead-goats to simulate the fluctuations of currency rates :-p

[grandpa]

In some countries they use scape-goat as a currency.

There , one scape goat can get you a nice coat (tiger skin)
This goats has more value than a regular goat.
How do you make the difference ?

[Jason]

Nury, I have a lovely wife for companionship. Though on Friday she was partying in LKF for her girlfriends birthday, ladies night and no boys allowed. So I did miss her then.

[TS]

So the new status symbol to attract women, would be a speed-goat?

[grandpa]

Your new status would show on your Goat-Of-Arms

[Amelia Airhearth]

Don't leave home without them.

[TS]

"For the love of goats is the root of all evil".

[Angela]

Goatness gracious!

Nury is right, Goat price is on all time high.

And here are the Men who stare at Goats.

[TS]

"Goats bleats".

[Angela]

"Go for Goat!"

And David Beckham scores another GOOOOOOOOOOOAT!!! for England.

[Angela]

Central banks will have to start issuing new bankgoats.

[grandpa]

Like any currency goats have different values.
a goatee is worth 1/10 of a goat
a male goat , called here a Ram goat is worth 5 goats
It is also called a buck (another name for one US Dollar )

Sorry uncle, your new currency is not worth a lot

[ismsons]

You goats are crazy!

[Vaibhav]

The question that comes to my mind is
Are you really beating bankers with an enormous wife and child stick??

[MG]

I think its interesting. Nury had a different thoughts about money and life. ... Interesting....

[Karuna]

Goat dung can be used as instrument for carbon trading

[Jovial Anne]

This is a smart way of thinking, your posts are as usual... Entertaining yet so informative! :)

You leave a stack of money for a month, and nothing happens. You leave a herd of goats for a month, you may get another herd of them. So yeah, goats actually give you more benefits

[Amelia Airhearth]

Oh my, I hope the fact that I did a Google search on "which country has the most goats" is not going to haunt me later in life.

Anyway, according to statistics I came across on the internet, Asia and Africa combined is where 90% of the world's goat population are located. That's 800 million out of 860 million total worldwide.

The two giants, China (150 million) and India (125 million), together have 31%. Should goats really become currency, we know which countries are going to be wealthy.

[Nury]

Goatness gracious me! Many surprising comments, from some well-known wits, and some new folk too: Hi, Amelia, Anne,ismsons, etc, welcome.

It's so weird. Who would have believed that the time would come so quickly when rich bankers in rich European countries would be unemployed and struggling, and the rest of us, in "poorer" parts of the world, were doing okay?

Goats clearly are an important subject, judging by the response. Here is our earlier post on the subject -- the true story of the drop dead goat:
http://mrjam.typepad.com/diary/2009/03/the-true-story-of-the-drop-dead-goat.html

[Ram]

Even if goats are used instead of money,Indian politicians will secretly have a big herd of goats in Switzerland. Those goats which doesn't come into account will be "Black goats".

[Lift Lurker]

And the medium rich will have their sailgoats.

While super rich will have their 40 meter yaks.

[rafanjr]

...a savings account for children will be.....kid accounts, a herd of baby goats hoarded somewhere until it matures, and will be spent only on expensive goat university with the children (now adults) will learn how to eat weed and chew grass.

[grandpa]

Another advantage of goat based economy:
There will be no more Bush to run a desert country;

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

I'm thinking. In a goat-based economy, what is the place of mutton?

[ismsons]

NURY I came to read your articles through The Daily Star , Dhaka Bangladesh. I guarantee you that you still have so much to learn about this Asian country where one Prime Minister takes revenge on the ex prime minister by kicking her out of her house and she makes its public that it was a revenge because of a similar humiliation she had to go through!! I imagine what would happen if financial engineers from the west meet the politicians from the east to decide whether goats should become an international currency!

[TS]

I would be happy with just a rowgoat.

[TS]

Peeks in the stock market will be termed "mountain goats".

[Amelia Airhearth]

Oh my! I can't believe how addicting this website is.

The goats will be producing a humongous volume of droppings, not to mention needing to be fed while they are kept in the bank. Surely the banks will need to increase their 'Account Maintenance' fees?

[Chamin]

Banks can create an "options market" with the droppings.

[TS]

The millionaire was dead, kicked to death by his most valuable goat.
Witnesses said that he was trying to impress a woman by lighting his cigar with a goat on fire...

[Lift Lurker]

@TS, LIL!
(Laughing In Lift)

Robbers struck yesterday and hold up armored van and took one hundred goats. Police very quickly able to follow the trail with the help of trained sniffer police.

Reporter: How did you locate the hidden goats?

Sniffer Police: It was not very difficult. Lucky I did not have cold today.

[TS]

A man was arrested for conducting himself in disorderly manner under influence of alcohol, when he went to a police station to report a sighting of several purple goats.

Police later issued an apology and released the man, when it became clear that the goats had been robbed from a bank and had obtained the purple colour from a dye pack that the bank personnel had managed to slip into the herd.

[Amelia Airhearth]

OMG purple goats? Also known as marked bills or marked Billys? :-P

I'll be travelling overseas soon. What would be like, the best way to bring my goats? Checked in or hand carried?

[grandpa]

Thank you for asking;
As an Aviation expert, I can give you the best advise on the best international "livestock" exchange procedures:

It has become standard practice since the day when an "investor" decided to move his "assets " by plane.
No, it was not donkeys , it was goats
The currency was indexed to the index tracker of the courrier.
(read: the goats were tied down the the seat track of the airplane)
Since the ropes were made of natural material, it was not long before the currency put an OPA on the bonds.
(read: the goats ate the tiedowns )
It was instant panic,
The livestock went out of control, moving forward , or backward ,all of them at the same time.

Like the financers in the 2008 crisis, the crew had a hard time to keep control of the airplane, plummeting down (like the Cow Jones in 2009 ) when the investment moved unpredictably forward, stalling went the investment dropped backward,
The plane went for left bank to right bank without any logic

Thank to the pilots' skills, they did not have to bailout.

Your goats would have to travel in a safe:(Safe Aviation Financial Equipment), a kind of elevator where cables are used to "secure" or wire" your assets according to your needs

It will give you full control of where your investment is located (goats have an independent mind of their own, you know!)

It will give you a peace of meat (oops a piece of mind) like any investment in any funds.

Note
My advice comes at a price
200 bucks , (200USD ) in either livestock, stock or broth (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stock_(food))

[Chamin]

Q: How do we wire-transfer goats?

A: Draw wires connecting the banks and train the goats to walk on them.

Q: Define exchange rate.

A: The rate at which the goats can move along the wires.

[Lift Lurker]

Chamin, wire-transfer idea is so funny.

I hear you get earthquake recently in Tokyo? Any damage Lifts?

[Chamin]

I have to admire the lift industry. None of the lifts in my university got stopped during the quakes.

Only once, when there was a big quake, I remember some of them stopping and displaying "earthquake" instead of the floor number.

[Ram]

@Amelia,

The best way is to have an international GO-ATM CARD... In that way, you can have access to your goats from anywhere in the world...

[Amelia Airhearth]

"grandpa", Oh my! Thank you for the tips. I'm honestly not sure I understood anything you wrote there, but I love the financials connections, I think, LOL :-P

Ram, good point. I don't need to carry my goats overseas.

[grandpa]

A herd of goats (livestock) was loaded on an aircraft and tied down to the railing with ropes.
The ropes were made of natural fiber.
The goats ate the ropes .
When the leader would move , the rest of the herd would run after him.
The weight of the herd going from back to front to left to right would take the aircraft in a dive ( plummeting) , a climb at extremely slow speed (stall) , a bank to the left ( when the left wing is low ) or a bank to the right.(when the right wing is low
The pilots could not control the aircraft attitude or altitude.
They had to shoot the goats in order to land safely.
But they did not bailout ( they did not jump off the aircraft , using their parachutes.)

As for payment for my advise you can pay me in live goats( bucks) or 200 Us dollars or deliver the goats in a thick soup( stock) , or in a light soup (broth) , or is it the opposite?

some words like stock, are used in either aviation or finances ,agriculture or cooking with different meanings.

Bank
Plummet
bailout
bond
track
wire
OPA ( when a big financial company eats a small one)
stock
exchange

Sorry if it was too complicated, but I have a good laugh writing it

[Amelia Airhearth]

LOL! Now I get all of it.