Meeting of murderous minds

World’s most dangerous people gather in one place

SCARY STUFF. Six hundred of the world’s most dangerous people met in rural Germany last week. At “Murder on the Hellweg”, Europe’s biggest conference of crime writers, there were masters of poisonings, specialists in stranglings, experts in assassinations, and evil sadists who devote their days to dreaming up new ways to kill people. It was just like school.

I’d never seen so many people dressed in black. I said to the guy next to me: “I guess black clothes are a kind of uniform, like business people wear suits and serial killers have 1970s mustaches on their upper lips. Or is it dentists?”

He gravely replied that where he came from, serial killers had neither mustaches nor dentists on their upper lips.
*

In the dressing room I sat next to Simon Kernick, a British author of ultra-violent thrillers.

As we chatted, I couldn’t stop myself turning around to keep one eye on the door. It was weird. Having read his books, I was subconsciously waiting for a gunman to burst in and turn me into a red splat on the wall. Even MORE weird was the fact that when this failed to happen, I felt disappointed.

The human brain is a bizarre and perverse thing, or perhaps I am.
*
Several people noticed I appeared to be the only Asian crime author present.

“Don’t you guys have murders on your side of the world?” one writer asked.

I replied: “No. Murder is illegal in Asia.”

This answer, curiously, satisfied him. He probably came from a place where murder is a normal, accepted part of daily life, like Mexico or Chicago or my school.
*

The vast majority of attendees were men, but one Woman In Black was present. Tatjana Kruse’s fictional detective has two hobbies: fighting serial killers and learning cushion embroidery. “Wow,” I said. “TWO terrifying challenges.”
*
Towards the end of the evening, there was a loud bang. Had a Simon Kernick gunman turned up at last? No. Some was opening champagne to celebrate. More than 60 per cent of the bestseller list this week consists of crime books or thrillers. We’re in fashion.

This intrigued me. Why do people go to bookshops to pick up tales of stabbings, shootings and killing? Don’t they get enough of that at home? I know I do.
*
One novelist said humans evolved to live with stress. “We have a deep-rooted need to do battle with darkness,” he said. “Fictional criminals are the ultimate incarnation of pure evil.”

This puzzled me. “Not Rupert Murdoch?”
*
One man asked me if there were any killing methods unique to Asia.

I told him that both India and China had these things called “plenary meetings of congress” which specialized in boring people to death. “It’s a horrible way to die,” I told him.

His neighbor asked: “Most Asian countries still have the death penalty. Does it work as a deterrent?”

I said: “Definitely. Once we’ve killed them, they NEVER re-offend.”

The world’s crime writers turned out to be rather gentle people. Although some DID have highly suspicious mustaches.
*
 
[serial killers]
*
*

[Pix at the top are by Elke Tergesten, more pix from the event at this link.]
[The woman sitting next to me in the pictures at the top is Alice Gruenfelder, my brilliant agent]
*

Technorati Tags: mord am hellweg,nury vittachi,crime writers,thrillers,simon kernick,alice gruenfelder,tatjana kruse

Comments

[Lift Lurker]

When murder solution experts gather for a party, isn't the lights suppose to go out and when it come back, one of them is dead with knife at the back?

And was there a butler?

And is his name Didit?

[rafanjr]

...i hate the suspense genre, i seem never to get it.

[grandpa]

Uncle
You are not serious, are you?
On the pictures, you are the only one smiling.
It must have been difficult to feel out of place , seriously! (°_°)

[Mike M]

Is it just me or is the stone lion looking at Tatjana Kruse strangely and Tatjana is mocking the lion back?

[Nury]

It was a strange way to spend the weekend! But it did make me feel like thinking up some new ways to kill people, which I guess is a good thing.

Mike, I guess you are right about Tatjana - she does look like she is mocking the lion! I think you've found a clue.

The theory about people needing artifical excitement rings true, although I think most of us feel we have quite enough stress, thank you very much. I imagine pilots get a lot of regular stress, right, Fardel? One wrong move and 488 people are dead...

[TS]

The reason that the other authors don't smile is that they all suffer from hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia and feared that
Umberto Eco might turn up.

[Lift Lurker]

On the pictures, you are the only one smiling.

grandpa, you are right. I look at the pictures too. There is one man in hat who is also smiling but different kind of smile. Like the smile of someone who just put poison in your drink.

Alice Gruenfelder: from her body animation and size relative to Uncle Jam, she also look a bit like his bodyguard. In that scary group it feel like you really need bodyguard.

@TS, I look up hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia in my dictionary. It say: "trepidation appertaining to interminable lexemes". What the?

[grandpa]

Those who have met uncle Nury know: he is normal size.
This lady IS a giant body guard

"Is it just me or is the stone lion looking at Tatjana Kruse strangely and Tatjana is mocking the lion back?"

No the lion just spotted a bird or a bat and Tatjana Kruse has been distracted by the lion's move.

Living on the edge of sanity , she is trying to figure out which monster just landed

Uncle

You are asking me a lot about aviation stories;
I can imagine the title of you next book.
"Mister Wong goes high" or " the 30,000 feet Thriller" or '20,000 leagues above the sea "

As a matter of fact ; I would not be surprised if you were writing the scenario for the first Asian aviation thriller movie

[grandpa]

"I imagine pilots get a lot of regular stress, right, Fardel?"

Sorry to disappoint you
Flying is veeeeeery boring
In the old times, pilots used to say
"Aviation ; years of boredom with rare moments of sheer terror."
Not true any longer
The stress is not in flying , the stress is on the ground, driving to or from the airport

" One wrong move and 488 people are dead..."
wrong again
It has ben proven:
It takes more than one wrong move to kill 488 passengers.
Accidents are the result of a succession of events.
Break the chain of events and you have no accident

This is the basis of training pilots
Take a deadly situation (or a situation which can turn deadly), learn how to recognize it , avoid it, or recover from it .
Always have an alternate plan of action.

Just plane (oops plain ) boring
But the view outside the window is always beautiful (how many of you, look through the window in flight?)
I could spend hours ,until my neck hurts

For your viewing pleasure:

http://www.slideshare.net/Slyoldawg/what-pilot-sees

http://www.philskies.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=12343

[TS]

I can imagine the title of you next book. "Mister Wong goes high"

I think I might be safe from making an a.. out of u and me, when I say that you are yet to read "Mr. Wong goes West"...

[TS]

@Lift Lurker,

See how incomprehensible "trepidation appertaining to interminable lexemes" is?
That's why a single word that covers it had to be made up.

Incidentally, the related condition known as "trepidation appertaining to commatic lexemes" was named: "E".

Also "trepidation appertaining to acronymous lexemes" was named: "POA".

[Lift Lurker]

"Aviation ; years of boredom

Captain: I am Captain. I can have any of this beautiful stewardess I want.

with rare moments of sheer terror."

Stewardess: Captain, I am pregnant.

[Lift Lurker]

Break the chain of events and you have no accident

I always see this in movies. Captain with cutter and talking to tower: "Which chain do I cut? The green chain or the red chain?"

Cut the wrong chain (while looking at pretty view outside) and it become 20,000 leagues under the sea.

[rafanjr]

...I spent the whole 2 and a half hours looking out the window in my first flight (as a passenger), it was really beautiful and bright and had a lot of "moments of sheer terror"

...and thinking about it, an airplane, aside from trains and ships.... are accesory weapons of mass annihilation... a crime writer's haven...

[grandpa]

Yes and this is too bad..
It was its first purpose (WWI),

This is a line from the Cavalry manual in 1914.
(In France ,Aviation was part of the cavalry at this time)
the first weapon they were using was a Winchestet rifle and they had a handgun for self defense)

"How to shoot down an enemy aircraft.

1 Bring you aircraft within 30 meters of enemy aircrafft
2 Fly the aircraft by holding the stick with your knees
3 aim at the pilot
4 shoot him between the eyes

I imagine the use of this information in uncle's new novel

Now Aviation has got a more peaceful use , since it brings people closer. It makes the world more accessible to everybody (almost )

[Lift Lurker]

4 shoot him between the eyes

I saw great movie 'The Fly Boys' (with Jean Reno), which is based on WWI true story. The hero did exactly that: shoot enemy pilot with handgun.

Great movie, lots of planes being destroyed.

Do you have many WWI experiences to tell grandpa?

[rafanjr]

"Aviation ; years of boredom

Captain: I am Captain. I can have any of this beautiful stewardess I want.

with rare moments of sheer terror."

Stewardess: Captain, I am pregnant.

...or

with moments of real terror

Male Flight Attendant: Captain, I am Pregnant.

[TS]

Jean Reno is one of my favourite actors, but you need a subwoofer to be able to hear his voice.

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

By the title, I first thought that the post is about a conference of bankers :-p