How to get arrested

 
You don’t have to go all the way to the airport to be nabbed for a joke

LIFE IS ALL ABOUT having new experiences, right? So today, boys and girls, we are going to commit a crime. Yes, a real live arrestable offence, right here on this page.

I’ll tell a joke. You laugh or groan, as applicable.

Q: What did the suicide bomber say to her husband?

A: Does my bomb look big in this?

Ba-dum!

Now we sit down and wait for the police.
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Legal experts have declared that ANY jokes involving explosions are illegal, inside OR OUTSIDE airports. Arrests have been made in several countries.

Most famous is the case of UK trainee accountant Paul Chambers, 27, whose local airport shut down shortly before he was due to fly to see his girlfriend. From home, he wrote her a Twitter message:

“They better get their s*** together before Saturday or I will blow the airport sky high!”

Police raced around to his house and arrested him. They said his text message was proof that he was a terrorist planning an atrocity. Everyone else realized that it was proof that he was an idiot.

Last week, the authorities denied his appeal, saying that it was the words that counted, NOT the identity of the speaker.
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In the past two weeks, people have been arrested for travel-related jokes in Asia, the US, Australia and Africa. It’s a crackdown on funny people!

I thought I was about to join them last week during a visit to a school. The children and I made up a story.

A small girl was playing the bad guy.

“Mwah-ha-ha,” she cackled in her best evil genius voice. “I will now destroy the world.”

I put my finger to my lip: “Shh. You could get us arrested for terrorism.” I scanned the hall in case any of the parents present might inform on us.

The little boy standing next to her raised an objection. “She’s not REALLY going to destroy the world. She’s only six,” he pointed out.

I was about to explain that top legal authorities has decided that it was the words that counted, not the person who spoke them, when the girl interrupted.

“Oh yes I am,” she said. “I AM going to destroy the world.”

This caused the listeners to laugh.

I told them that they were aiding and abetting a breach of counter-terrorism policies.

This caused them to laugh louder.
*
That night at the bar, I realized that the key issue is the fact that airport security officers wouldn’t know a joke if a 10-ton one fell on their heads.

How can we help them? Can we organize joke identification classes?
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The following morning, I received an email from a friend of someone who had been at the bar.

She said certain airport authorities were actually preparing joke identification courses for security officers. I am not making this up. Details will be gathered and will appear in this space very soon, probably on Wednesday.

Unless of course I have been arrested by then.

“Mr Columnist, you are charged with threatening to drop an object weighing 10 tons onto the heads of airport security officers.”

Guilty, my lord.
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RELATED POSTS

Child, six, placed on no-fly list
(includes Lift Lurker’s list of questions for immigration officers)

Irony and airport security

Apple computer shot dead by guards

Airport security tales

Funny airlines
(Includes Fardel’s tip on Kulula Airlines)

Airports and underpants

Banned words at the airport

10 new flight announcements

Most bizarre visa questions
*

(Hey, that’s MY runway)

(Fardel’s pilot seat)

(So near and yet so far)

(From failblog: epic fail by airport security guards)
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Technorati Tags: airport security,airport humor,paul chambers,twitter

Comments

[fardel]

On the Standard this comments went by this title
"Some jokes just fail to take off even if the laughter is explosive"

Thankfully here comes the expert's translation (this is what it meant , literally):

"Some planes just fail to take off when the joke is explosive"
The first sentence is plain English, the second one is Aviation English

I have to correct you: pilots seat on the LEFT side of the airplane

aircraft in the water
We call it : "one tea spoon short of the runway "

This is when the pilot failed to add a teaspoon of fuel in the tanks

Last picture:
We had this situation once, when the lines were going slow.

The Immigration officer said he was busy writing report to his Captain, but we could see the reflection of his game on the newly installed glass.

[rafanjr]

...another post pertaining to the perils of the aviation industry.

... i think the mere mention of the word "bomb" or "explosives" or "kill" or (mention any country) will send airport security into frenzy when it is said out loud.

...on a related topic, the full body scan is slowly gaining acceptance in some airports...imagine what the security personnel can see in those scans.

[Jason]

Seeing a friend across the terminal and yelling, "Hi Jack!"

[David]

Re airport humor (or in this case, massive irony), you might be interested in this story from the US about how a soldier returning to the US from Afghanistan on a charter flight had his nail clipper confiscated -- this despite the fact he had his weapon with him...

http://oneoldvet.com/?p=24559

[fardel]

Yes
This is where we stand now.

Like it says in the post .
People have to make a stand against this absurd rules

[Lift Lurker]

Airline industry is crazy (I know; my grandpa work there), but i take side of the TSA:

- They are protecting airline from uncompromising fanatics. Only a ninja can kill a ninja. Only a fanatics can stop fanatics. TSA are fanatics.

- Nail clippers in pocket is suspicious. Do you know anyone who carry nail clippers in their pockets while carrying M4 rifle?

- Rules are rules. Just because you carry assault guns does not mean you are exempted.

- Just because nail clipper is not in list of prohibited items does not meant it is not prohibited.

http://www.tsa.gov/travelers/airtravel/prohibited/permitted-prohibited-items.shtm#8

Anyway why complain about nail clippers. Another example of crazy airline rules:

1) You line up to get boarding pass
2) Then you line up to someone who check that you have boarding pass
3) Then you line to immigration officer who will check that you have boarding pass (while he play solitaire)
4) Then you line up to staff who tear your boarding pass and give you half of it.

In my view airline industry should be arrested.

[grandpa]

You missed the most dangerous item which does not appear on your list but which is a NO NO
Bottled water, just in case somebody would use it against aviation.
But luckliy the wise A....;holes who make the rules allow the use of cigarette lighter to prevent water from blowing up

[farah]

it's unfair when airport security doesnt allow carrying water bottles and lotions (esp lotions and moisturizers) in planes. what's the security issue in it other than having dry and flaky skin at the end of the flight? neither do they provide it themselves.

[Ram]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qv3kztUR2BU

Its not a bomb... Its a bong!!!

[Ram]

@Jason,

I found this Video which is from the movie "Airplane".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ufxR6w7T1M&feature=related

[grandpa]

@Lift Lurker
tis one is dedicated to you..............(°_°)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PyAautx-mVc

[Lift Lurker]

Thank you grandpa. Old model Lifts... 70's music... bring back memories.

(Singing) "Memories, light the corners of my mind..."

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

Make sure not to post certain words on the Internet from at least three days before your flight.

As for TSA, there is one thing they should get credit for. They created a "perfectly legal" dream job for peeping toms :-p

[grandpa]

""perfectly legal" dream job

former catholics priests ?!

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

Right, there has/had been another dream job :-p

[ismsons]

Doubtful of dream job - statistics say that there are more fat , probably hairy guys, girls, old guys , old girls,with ugly you know what .... so the poor old guy/girl who is responsible for viewing full body scan is probably going to loose his/her sex drive after a period...

Bad imagination

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

Apparently priests have more freedom of choice.

Hmm... so that is why some people get pat-downs even after finishing the body scan without a beep :-p

[Christyn Rana]

Why is it always the accountants and their bad jokes? I admit my friends and I do joke in accounting terms which only our circle of accountants would be sure to understand. We can actually make jokes using words like adverse, favorable, variances, impairments, deferred and the list goes on. And we actually roar with laughter.

[Lift Lurker]

Why is it always the accountants and their bad jokes?

@Chrystin, the reason is answered below:

We can actually make jokes using words like adverse, favorable, variances, impairments, deferred and the list goes on. And we actually roar with laughter.

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

Agree 1000%. I went straight to the coffee machine after reading the list of words :-p

[Ram]

Finally, the aviation industry is taking us back to the time of adam and eve... by making people cover themselves with fig leaves... hope they dont ask us to travel "Au Naturel" for security reasons...

[Ram]

oh!!! I posted my comment in the wrong column...

[Lift Lurker]

Thats ok Ram. We can ask Christyn to make entry adjustment.

(Collective groan from accountants)