Air guards learn to spot jokes

 
Backlash against anti-humor policies start to gather strength

IN LOCKED-DOOR meetings around the world, airport security staff are secretly being trained to spot jokes. The move is an attempt to fix the problems caused by the current global policy in which anyone who says the words “bomb” or “gun” must be arrested.

Regular readers may recall this columnist causing a stir at airports with sentences such as: “I’ve only just beGUN”.

A man who made a joke at Boracay airport in the Philippines last week was charged with “Unjust Vexation”.

Hey! It’s us passengers who are suffering Unjust Vexation.

On this page on Monday, we wrote about the UK’s Paul Chambers who wasn’t even at an airport when he texted a joke to his girlfriend and was arrested.

Now thousands of angry people have texted Paul’s message to their friends in a protest. Even CELEBRITIES are backing him (see Twitter message below from comedy actor Stephen Fry offering to pay his legal charges).

 

A shocking example of unjust vexation took place in South Africa last week.

A security officer at Bloemfontein Airport asked Charmaine Hugo, 50, what she had in her suitcase.

“Clothes and things,” she replied, according to press reports.

They asked the same question repeatedly and she patiently gave the same answer.

When asked for the umpteenth time, she said: “Okay, a machine gun and a bomb.” Anyone with the tiniest sense of humor would have done the same.

She was arrested. Her lawyers and the prosecutors agreed that she was quite clearly not dangerous and had been simply pushed into making a joke by virtue of possessing a curious quality called “humanity”. But airport police opposed giving her bail.

This sort of thing makes airport authorities look stupid and evil, which of course they are not (yes, I am waving a little flag that says “possible ironic tone here”).
*
That’s why there are discussions afoot about fixing the problem. A source tells me that the Canadian Air Transport Security Authority issued written instructions to airport screeners telling them that they were now allowed to differentiate threats from non-threats using the same words.

The use of the word “hijack” is illegal, the document says.

But if a passenger says: “Hi! Jack!” to his friend, you don’t HAVE to arrest them.

But you should give them a stern warning. The document says:

Inform the person that he or she could commit a serious offence saying such words at an airport.

This is bad news for the UK, where Jack has been the most popular name for years.

Everyone in the UK has changed their name to Jack, including the monarch (now “Queen Jack”)

I guess the message here is that if you have a friend called Jack, you should always refer to him as “Jill”.
*
Brief Guide To Jokes For Airport Security Staff.

1) Jokes often begin with “knock, knock”.

This is NOT A THREAT OF ASSAULT.

2) Jokes often mention light bulb removal.

NO DAMAGE airport facilities is implied.

3) Jokes often raise the mystery of why a certain chicken crossed a certain road.

“The chicken is an avian suicide bomber crossing the runway to inflict maximum damage on aircraft” is NOT among the many answers to this question.
*

In the meantime, if your name is Jack and you plan to visit Canada, call yourself Jill.

That applies to you too, Queen Jack.
*
*
RELATED STORIES

See list at the end of this posting.
*

Comments

[Lift Lurker]

It will never work if they dont consider ethnic background of speaker. For example:

Guideline 9.45
If speaker say something about having "assault rifles and other weapons" in their bag, follow Guideline:

a) 6-year old boy - This is joke.

b) 6-year old girl - This is joke (but log comment and alert patdown security)

c) Irish nun - This is joke (but check IRA watchlist)

d) German - This is NOT joke (this demographic do not understand concept of humor)

e) Swiss - See rule for German

f) Austrian - See rule for Swiss

g) Arab - Who knows? Treat seriously.

h) Jew - See rule for Arab.

i) Arab Sheik - Disregard comment. He owns the plane. And the airport. And the country.

j) Russian - Call security. Hawking not allowed in premises.

k) South Asian - This is joke. Check for hidden curries.

l) East Asian - This is joke. Check for hidden shark fins

m) North Korean - This is NOT joke. Check for hidden nuclear enrichment plant

n) American - This is joke. Confiscate nail clippers.

[Paul]

Considering I will be visiting 3 US airports over the course of the next month, I know that I can personally look forward to either undergoing radiation to take a photo of me naked or a a brief encounter with a TSA agent in which he will quickly move on to second base.

Still I will try to keep a sense of humor through all of this, otherwise I won't be able to focus on what is truly important in the holiday season...shopping.

That being said, one of the first items to buy on my holiday list are these scan proof undies that an engineer has created. ( Special Underwear )
;-)

[rafanjr]

... Aviation, aviation, aviation... something we cannot get enough off.

...another way of avoiding mishaps if you happen to meet a friend named Jack in the airport is to spell-out their names when you call them....like saying Hi J-A-C-K, sounds absurd but it won't delay your flight.

...or better yet try dropping the Hi and start using HELLO or ALOHA or HOLA or NEE HO or BONJOUR or NAMASTE... or not call out Jack at all.

[TS]

What they need is a red curtain and a microphone for when security wishes to ask questions of the passengers.

They hand the passengers the microphone and ask them to stand in front of the curtain.

That way the passenger will look like a stand-up comedian and all answers can be interpreted as jokes.

People who are genuinely upset and feel the urge to utter real threats are generally in a state where they will rip down the curtain and toss away the microphone*, these simple signals should be easy enough to teach to even the most dense security officer.

*The curtain will be fastened with velcro for easy re-attachment and the microphone will be made from foam rubber, making it a harmless missile.

[Tsit tsit]

TS

Technical specialist

At your service (worldwide) .
We solve any problem, any time anywhere
Nothing is difficult enough for us

TSA
Totally Screwing Aviation
No , we are not fix up specialist, and we do not use screw drivers.
( we do not know how to uses screwdrivers)
This why we throw them away each time we see one

[Raoul]

world class comedy, no wonder this site is so popular, particularly like the lift lurker's guide at the top, could be the basis of a magazine column for Mr J?

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

More rules:

o) Brown foreigner residing/working in developed country:
He thinks he can joke, but he cannot. Laugh AT him and give a body scan plus a pat-down.

p) Granny: be polite, she might beat you up, and even your colleagues will laugh at you

q) software engineer: this is a joke, and also a trap. He is going to record what happens next, put it on the Internet and become popular.

[grandpa]

In the Us , Thanksgiving is a times when a lot of people travel.
They are just discovering that body scanners are used inside their country , against them

(They did not make so much noise when it was used against foreigner , only )
There is a civil disobedience movement going on, with passengers refusing to go "naked".
They prefer instead a body search.
I believe that being savvy , they would prefer to receive "sexual attention" included in the ticket price.

It is easy to imagine security staff comments ,at the end of the day..

[Lift Lurker]

If they combine the xray with a free medical report for example bone density analysis for the passenger + prescription to take calcium, or early osteoporosis
signs, then maybe people will like it.

Ah flying....you will be grope, you will lose your luggage, you may reach your destination.

I love my Lifts.

[grandpa]

I love my Lifts.

You are right

Here is a tip for those of you who need a vacation but do not have a budget for travel(i.e. who are as broke as me);

ask a colleague on an upper floor of your company to connect his/her computer to the country of your choice;
When you are ready for a vacation, leave your desk and travel to your country of destination , by moving to the upper floor

travel on foot or use the most Low-cost way to travel, the elevator:

elevator : travel to nowhere in style, at no cost.

Look at the positive ,
no seat configuration,
you will Never be seated next to a window or close to an aisle
You will not be seated next to an obnoxious/grumpy traveller for hours
You will not be disappointed by the food served
The flight attendants will not trouble you
and .. best of all
No Captain will wake you up to tell when you are about to land
Elevators;
Will take you to nowhere in no time
as fast as time travel ( for the distance you will have to check back with us in a century........ or two.

[Lift Lurker]

No jet lag.
No time zone confusion.
No passport.
No visa.
No mastercard.
No boarding pass.
No immigration officer.
No customs.
No bumping off.
No need to buy travel insurance.
No use your iPhone only during takeoff and arrival.
No seatbelts.
No insensitive passenger in back who won't let you recline your seat until he finish eating.
No environmental pollution.
No engines separating from cabin.
No solar radiation.
No thrombosis.
Travel during Category 500 hurricane (but not in case of fire, just like do not fly in plane that is on fire).

I am sure when intelligent alien race come to visit us, they will come in Space Lift and not Space Airplane ("Attention earthlings this is your Alien Captain speaking. Local temperature is...")

And surely not in flying saucer. Do you know how ridiculous traveling in saucer is? Why not travel in coffee cup? Or Flying Teaspoon? Or Flying Sugarcubes. Or flying Pot? Or Flying Plate.

What is the topic? I seem to got lost.

[Tsit tsit]

Lost in space.....

[Lift Lurker]

I saw headline in news "The Incredible Flying Nonagenarian".

Immediately I thought "this must be my Carribean grandpa in the news!" so I read the story.

But it's not about airplanes and pilots after all.

[grandpa]

I knew that , picking at you all the time , I would have to get a "feedback" or a slapback.
Calling me a nonagenarian;

I do not know if it was intended, but I perceive it as a compliment , especially after reading her performances

[Chamin]

I think aliens can now come here and start a business:
"Fly in our saucers! No peeping body scanners, no molesting pat downs, and no immigration harrassment!"

[Karuna]

Nury, to be fair you should pick on these grandiose lift folks and not just aviation pepple.
There are lifts here in hongkong where we need to pass through security, metal detectors, body pats and baggage x ray etc.
The Chinese visa office in wan chai is one such place.

[grandpa]

Yes
I agree 1000%

[Lift Lurker]

Karuna, I agree 1000,0000%

One of Uncle Nury Jam favorite topics is strange and crazy Chinese government rules. That is a great example.

What you get when you mix Chinese government bureaucrats and aviation? Pat down check to get into Lifts.

[Christyn Rana]

I guess my thai girl friend, Bom and I will have to learn sign languages if I were to ever pick her up from the airport. Here is one time I don't mind a middle name i could refer to her with.
Same goes for my friend from Bhutan who bears an unfortunate, Chimmi Laden.