The world’s funniest airlines

 
Forget the inflight comedy channel, now the crew are telling jokes

A READER TOLD me that a friend was travelling across southeast Asia when a flight attendant made an announcement.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, we are about to land in Singapore. If you have any drugs, you will be executed.  Thank you.”

There was stunned silence.

Then laughter.

The really funny thing in my opinion is that it was not a joke. Life in Asia is strange: there’s nothing really quite like it.
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But sometimes airlines deliberately DO make jokes.

Readers last week proposed we claim the sky by putting a flag into orbit.

Well, it turns out that Kulula Airlines of South Africa put out a press announcement that they had trademarked the sky “because it is our main base of operations”.

It was all an elaborate joke, of course. Travelling for work is exhausting, so a bit of airborne wit is welcome.

I heard about Kulula from reader Christian Fardel, an airport executive.  Below is a picture of one of their aircraft.

When passengers get on board, the flight attendant says:

“Keep your seatbelts fastened low and tight around those gorgeous hips.”

When crew members have to point to all the doors during the safety demonstration, the voice says:

“There are eight emergency exits on the aircraft, and the crew will do the Macarena and point them out to you now.”
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(Video link at end)

They even joke about the crime rate:

“Please check the overhead storage, the seat pocket in front of you as well as your neighbor's bag for all of your nice goodies.”

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But Kulula still lags behind Southwest Airlines of the US, traditionally the world’s wittiest airline.

Some stewards even rap, like this guy above.

But most just frame the boring announcements they have to make with jokes. 

Here are four typical lines:

1) “If you don’t like our service, we have six emergency exits.”

2) “Cabin crew are coming down the aisle to make sure that your seatbelts are on and your shoes match your outfit.”

3) “To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. If you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.”

4) “Make sure to take all your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
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Sometimes the witty lines have a purpose. On Southwest, the flight attendants say:

"The button over your head with the picture of a light bulb on it turns on your light. The button with the picture of the flight attendant does NOT turn on your flight attendant so DON'T PUSH IT.”

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But a flight attendant working in Asia told me that there was one Southwest line that she wished her bosses would allow her to copy:

“This is a non-smoking, non-whining, non-complaining flight.”

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But let’s finish with a story that takes us back to the cheery subject of Asian airlines and imminent death.

Picture the scene.

An Air Koryo jet is moving down the runway in Pyongyang, North Korea.

Suddenly it stops and goes back to the gate.

After a two-hour delay, it finally takes off.

A passenger asks: “So, what was the problem?”

The steward replies: “The pilot was bothered by the fact that the engine didn’t sound right. So we took immediate action. It took a couple of hours to replace the pilot.”
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Welcome to Asia. Now sit back and enjoy your flight.
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T-shirt for Fardel’s daughter
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Message from Fardel:

This is funny that this video just came out yesterday on youtube.
It has been watched by over 4 millions people in less than two days.
@Uncle
Did you make it?

Comments

[grandpa aka Faye Libad]

This is funny that this video just came out yesterday on youtube.
It has been watched by over 4 millions people in less than two days.
@Uncle
Did you make it?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SBL6dgBBak&feature=related

Who said that Asia do not have a sense of humor

[Angela]

Great!!!

I am going to book my cebu pacific flight.

I always have good experience, the flight attendants are definitely a lot friendlier, younger, and better looking.

[Nury]

Hi Fardel, I added your "dancing" video to the main body of the post, thanks, really amusing!

Angela, with you as a passenger and the girl in the video as flight attendant, I can see that cebu airlines is going to get a lot of bookings...

ps thanks for the all the birthday good wishes

[Lift Lurker]

This is psychological powerful stuff.

There is training / learning theory which goes like this:

Tell me, and I will remember 10%
Show me, and I will remember 25%
Let me try it, and I will remember 75%
Let us do it while dancing the macarena, and I will remember 100%

If airline can guarantee to play the macarena (or Lady Gaga) during emergency, then people WILL remember to put on
their lifevests properly, while dancing in an orderly manner to exit the plane.

There will be no panic. There will be no frightened screaming.

[grandpa aka Faye Libad]

What
It was not Angela doing the demo dancing ?!?!

[Jason]

I was on Southwest about 10 years ago and the flight attendant was next to me doing her safety demo. After she had done the seatbelt demonstration I asked in my best southern hick accent, "Can ya'll show me that agin, I didn' get it."

She said, "you'd be surprised how often we get asked that, mostly from rural dwellers in the south."

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

> “This is a non-smoking, non-whining, non-complaining flight.”

That's Singapore Airlines, by anybody's guess. THat's where the government keeps complaining that people keep complaining about everything.

[Vaibhav Chadha]

There is something called a gripe sheet and below are some actual problems listed by pilots and the solutions undertaken

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

I guess Fardel can share a few of these.

[grandpa aka Faye Libad]

@ Vaibhav Chadha
You are right .
I have and collect books about these jokes.
Plus I have things of my own.

We operate 10-seater aircrafts, which means that when the weather is ok , we seat a passenger next to the pilot;
We usually put somebody light there, a child or a slim lady.

Before I close the doors I make this announcement to the lady next to the pilot:
"If you are scared , you have the right to scream in silence.
You cannot plant your nails into the pilot's thigh.
You cannot hang onto the pilot's neck until after the landing;
After the landing , it will no longer be the Company's responsibility , but you may have to deal with the pilot's wife.
The passenger behind you will make sure that you behave during the flight."

[grandpa aka Faye Libad]

"Ladies and gentlemen , this is your Captain speaking.
Passengers seating on the right will see that the right engine is on fire.
Passengers on the left side of the aircraft will see that the left engine is on fire.
Passengers is the rear of the aircraft will look out through the window and look at the blue ocean.
you will see a yellow dot.
It is called a life raft.
This is where I am calling from"

[TS]

Fardel is like a plane himself, if you hit the right buttons he'll come alive.

That said... I think somebody knocked the full reverse thrust lever and sent him into the past causing him to tell the "life raft" story again ;-)

[fardel]

@TS
You got it wrong
This story is reserved to the new readers.
But i shall find another one for you later

[grandpa aka Faye Libad]

@TS
This one is just for you

On a flight to the Seychelles with a few stopover a blonde was sitting in first class.
The stewardess asked her for her ticket, and told her that she was in the wrong area, she had to move to the back of the airplane in coach.
The passenger started to scream and make a lot of noises.
The chief steward went and talked to her in her ear.
She got up and went to her seat , quietly,in the back of the airplane

What did you tell her?

I told her that the front seats were not going all the way to the Seychelles

[grandpa aka Faye Libad]

There were a lot of turbulence on this flight and a passenger was really scared.
The stewardess went to reassure her:
Can you see the green light on the right wingtip?
Yes
Can you see the red light on the left wingtip?
Yes
Good

As long as you stay between those two lights , you will be safe.

[Jason]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.”

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle.

“Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”

She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.”

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch.”

[rafanjr]

@ Jason

that was so queer.... hahahaha

[sheilajade]

@ jason,
for a married man, you are so queer.. how'd you got all the queer jargons correctly?
very entertaining though, thanks!

[Jason]

Shush, or I'll hit you witfh my purthe

[farah]

is it me or did the entire crew experience remind of this character named marc from ugly betty?

gays have superb sense of style and they seem to rock in any outfit.

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

Farah,

> gays have superb sense of style and they
> seem to rock in any outfit.

I agree. And you are not the first girl whom I heard that from :o) I did not know that gays are so popular among girls.

[farah]

Chamin,

i didnt know that! this time when i went to london i was literally in awe since they dress so much better than a regular guy, so much so i wished that at least one of them was straight!

[Lift Lurker]

Dear passengers our engines have stopped. We are about to crashland. Please take your seats, buckel the seatbelts, put up your trays, wrap your earphones, fold your blankets, and assume brace position. If you wish to purchase from our duty free shop, our attendants will be walking the aisles shortley.

After we land, people who can still walk please exit the plane row by row. First class and business class passenger can of course exit anytime. First class and business class passenger can bring one notebook and one bag.

Please note that all of you will be awarded extra 5,000 airmiles (non- transferable) plus free accommodation at hotel, hospital or mortuary as appropriate. Happy landings!

[grandpa aka Faye Libad]

@Lift Lurker

Life must be so dull in the elevator industry.
Look all the entertainment we, in the aviation industry are capable of:
Flying sexy machines , with sexy flight attendants, carrying sexy passengers to sexy destinations.
Life is so unfair!
Some people are spoiled indeed, when some are so unlurky.

[Jason]

Sexy flight attendants? You obviously haven't flown United lately, where old FA's go to die ;)

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

Strongly agree with Jason about United :o)

[grandpa aka Faye Libad]

We in the aviation industry, like to have fun , and sometimes we even make fun of ourselves
Here are some airlines identifiers with their explanation
ANA ( Japan ) Always Not available
ALITALIA Always Late InTake Off, Always Late In Arrival
BA ( British airways)Best Avoided
BOAC Better On A Camel
CPA Can't Promise Anything
DELTA Departing Evne Later Than Anticipated
LIAT Leave Island Any Time,Late Is A Tradition
LOT Lots OF Trouble
PAL ;Plane Always Late
SABENA Such A bad Experience, Never Again
SAHSA Stay At Home, Stay Alive
TAA Try Another Airline

TAT Take a Train

[grandpa aka Faye Libad]

Why does A B 747 have a Hump over the Cockpit?
To allow the pilots to seat on their wallet

[Angela]

Oh! I thought that hump was extra head space for their ego.

:-)

and I said that with much affection.

Free hugs to pilots.

[sej]

I remember reading somewhere the motto of Qantas flight attendents back in the early days of Qantas... "Coffee, Tea or Me?"

[Mahjuja]

@ Fardel I liked your video the best!

@Chamin Really, you didn't know? My one great wish in life is to go to a gay party, how about you farah? ;-)

[fardel]

@Mahjuja
Thanks , but , unhappily it was not my video
Welcome back.

[Mahjuja]

Oh thanks Fardel, nice to know you missed me (I assume).

[grandpa]

@ Mahjuja
You are right, but do not tell grandma

[grandpa]

When security agents strike in Paris airport, cebu pacific flight attendants"strike" again..for you entertainment
enjoy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUSmq20XyVk

[grandpa]

@ Karuna
This one is especially dedicated to you
Happy anniversary
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mEsnb3kUDAw&feature=g-logo&context=G228c181FOAAAAAAAHAA