How to be famous

There’s one guaranteed route a nobody can make the history books

PEOPLE SAY today’s youngsters have no vision. Not true! On a visit to a school last week, this writer was approached by a group of highly ambitious teenagers.

“We want to be famous,” said their leader, a tall 14-year-old named Charmaine. Her shy posse nodded vigorously.

I assured them of my best efforts. “Sure. Now, what sort of work do you want to do?”

They froze, baffled. Clearly they did not expect such a question. A meek girl said: “We don’t want to WORK. We want to be FAMOUS.”

Ah. Got it.

“I see,” I said. “THAT sort of famous.”
*
You can’t blame these kids. Today’s celebrities don’t seem to feel the need to actually DO anything other than get arrested at regular intervals.

I told the girls that totally effort-free notoriety was hard to achieve, but anyone could be famous in their own circle. “Take me, for example. I am the most celebrated person in the northern hemisphere of my home, when the dog is out.”

The girls greeted this brush-off with contempt. “You’re not really famous,” said Charmaine, folding her arms. “We want to be superstars, featured in magazines and stuff.”

They asked me to give them a fail-safe route to world fame when I spoke to their class, an event scheduled for the following day.
*
I quickly emailed a couple of image consultants with an urgent question: “How does achieve instant fame these days?”

Eve Roth Lindsay of Savvy Style replied: “How about running naked in front of Obama with a website written on your chest? Oh wait, that’s been done. How about a sex tape that you categorically deny you are in? Oh wait, that’s been done too.”

Ameena Chowdhury, a private consultant, said: “There’s only one absolutely guaranteed way to jump from being a complete nobody to being so famous you appear in history books. You have to assassinate a world leader.”
*
I spent the next hour trying to think how I could build the advice from professionals into my standard inspirational speech for schools. “Remember, boys and girls, work hard, play hard, kill people and make sex tapes.” Somehow it just didn’t sound right. It was just too…. true.
*
That night, my mentor/ bartender came to the rescue. “Thanks to globalization and the internet, your friends may already be famous somewhere,” he said.

He told me the story of Allen Rout, a resident of Florida in the US. Mr Rout posted a picture of his baby on the internet.  This was the original picture, below.

Ten years later, he accidentally found that his baby was super-famous in Japan. The picture had become an internet meme and could be seen on TV shows, posters, websites and so on.
 

Someone else in the bar told me that Bert, a puppet from Sesame Street, accidentally appeared as an international criminal mastermind alongside Osama Bin Laden on posters in Bangladesh. (Full story on Wikipedia.)

*
The next day I told Charmaine’s class: “Thanks to the web, boys and girls, you may already be a star in Croatia or Dhaka or somewhere. The bad news is that it may be as an international criminal mastermind.”

They thought that was cool.

I told you today’s youngsters had ambition.
*
*

Comments

[Dancer Arroyo]

Instant fame... this led me to think immediately of my cult uncle again. Being a cult leader, it seems is not easy but I got to say, he's got brains.

First, he recorded a CD of him singing Buddist prayers and mantras in heavy metal music. He then went on to publish it.

Then he opened a paparazzi company where his followers are the free workers.

Next, he'll attend some celebrity functions (or stakeouts) where he would go up to a celebrity/politician and say things like, 'Hey, you dropped this.'

The celebrity wouldn't even know what hit him, take the CD for a look and suddenly, 'FLASH', a picture is taken of my uncle, his CD and a celebrity by one of my uncle's trusty followers / paparazzi. My uncle would then post these photos in his website and try to sell this photos to various newspapers or magazines.

He also does it with his books and paintings as well. I don't actually know how many of these pictures he's done but I did see the one with Kate Middleton, and according to my family, he also did it to Tony Blair.

There you go, instant fame... well, maybe not so instant but definitely man-made.

[wanna be]

I'd like to be famous. Justin Bieber used youtube to become a star. I wonder if that can work for other people? There are so many youtube videos how do you make yours stick out above the crowd?

[rafanjr]

... i work with the academe and you really do observe students (when i say "students" thats anyone younger than me, and wearing their uniforms improperly, and mind you, i'm not old) work to butts-off not to top their class but to be more famous than the current famous student. Its quite challenging for some, so sometimes we give a kick start to the not so famous kids by letting them become leaders of small groups during school activities...

...at the end of the day what do they end up to?

they become suckers...

... i guess Paris Hilton's fame (and Lindsay Lohan's, and Britney Spears') is just because they are bad-asses.

[grandpa]

To be famous is quite simple.
Send funny ideas to these columns, so that people can relax and laugh.
Next time you go to Hong Kong, your picture and name will be in the local newspaper.
Better , you will meet famous people from there (°_°) and Have your picture taken...

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

>PEOPLE SAY today’s youngsters have no vision
On a different line, they do have some vision thanks to glasses and contact lenses :-p. More and more kids are wearing them, probably thanks to TV and game consoles.

[Lift Lurker]

Becoming famous used to be hard work:
But being famous does not mean being successful.

Abraham Lincoln was determined to become famous but unfortunately very failure:
- ran for state legislature and lost
- lost his job
- couldnt get into law school
- fiance died before they get married
- tried to become speaker of state senate but lost
- ran for congress, lost
- ran for senate, lost
- became president, caused civil war
- became president, got assassinated
I think he got the message after that and stopped trying.

Benjamin Franklin much smarter. He just flew kite in rain and invented stupid sayings like:

Early to bed early to rise make a man healthy wealthy and wise.

Try it for one year and then call your bank to see if you are now wealthy.

[Karuna aka Kaye Moreno]

@Lurker, you mean, try flying kite for an year ?

[Pooh]

This is not a new problem: 19th Century American author Nathaniel Hawthorne, in his short story "The Ambitious Guest," had this desre to be famous without accomplishment as his theme. What happened? Amitious guest was buried in a landslide. Not only not famous, but wiped off face of earth: not even remembered!

Different century, same problem. Not much changes if people are the same.

[fardel]

@ Karuna

not flying the kite for a year.
Getting a kite electro-shock for a year

[Ellie]

This is an issue that intrigues me, too. It seems that the normal path to fame has disappeared. It used to be work hard, become good at your job, get on TV and the newspapers as an expert.

But now there's much more of a random factor. I kind of prefer it this way.

And grandpa is right. One can get a bit famous by appearing in Mr Jam's columns. Yes, it's only in Asia, but Asia is the biggest part of the world anyway, in terms of population.

[snow]

i dont wanna get famour....but i wanna be rich!!!!!!!!
nice one nurry!

[Lift Lurker]

Ellie,

"only in Asia"? You will get Asians mad!!!

Asia has the most number of people with black hair. It is only place where rare earths are mined. Asia is most important place on earth. (I hope to retire there with my grandpa someday and we will talk about Lift and lesser machines)

You can say things like "famous only in Switzerland" or "famous only in Canada" but never never "only in Asia".

Anyway what is point of being famous?

There is old tv show "Lifestyles of the rich AND famous", which mean rich is not the same as famous.

You can be rich but not famous (billionaires in the bottom half of top 100 billionares in the world. poor saps)

You can be poor but famous (Mother Teresa, Gandhi, etc)

You can be rich and famous (Donald Trump, Bill Gates)

You can be poor and not famous (most of us)

You can be rich, famous, happy, cool, contented, bald, and short (someone we all know on this website)

If you strive to become famous, one day you will wake up and see your names in all the papers in all the websites and be talk about by everyone.

But the question is: are you then famous or infamous?

[Ram]

We never know when we will become famous or what will bring us instant fame... just like the "Cigar Guy"...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/golf/article-1319238/Cigar-guy-revealed-We-man-stood-Tiger-Woods-internet-sensation.html

[Christyn Rana]

my brother cutely wanted to be batman when he was 9. now he wants to be eminem. i told him go find your own dreams and stop copying me. sheesh!jus because i feel in my heart i'm going to be britney. i dun understand kids these days! being realistic is so not them!

[grandpa]

@Lift Lurker

"But the question is: are you then famous or infamous?"

It depends at which level your fame elevates you.

[grandpa]

Being famous has its downside

I am so famous for my cooking that when I do some special dishes all the neighbors line up in front of my door for their share, like paparazzi running after celebrities.

[grandpa]

Humm I did not wake up well yet
i forgot one word in my last comment

It should read

"Being famous has its downside

I am so famous for my cooking that when I do some special dishes all the neighbors'DOGS and CATS line up in front of my door for their share, like paparazzi running after celebrities."

[TS]

There is nothing is this world that can't be expressed by a quote or YouTube clip from the film Three Amigos

Infamous:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egLjBsK9K8o

[Lift Lurker]

Arfter more reflection on this column, I think situation is more depressing.

I check how famous we are by talking to some friend and realize we are at very bottom of pile:

LL: Have you heard of angela?
F: Who?
LL: What about Mickey Mouse?
F: Hell yeah! I'm a mouseketeer! (Takes off his giant black ears) This aren't real ears you know. (my friend is construction worker).
(A mouse is more famous than angela)

LL:Have you heard of fardel?
F: Fardel who?
LL:Have you heard of Hello Kitty?
F: (show me his Hello Kitty powerdrill): What do you think?
(A white face kitten that do nothing is more famous than grandpa)

LL: Have you heard of Christy the Arab speaking Chinese?
F: Who? Was she in Arabian Nights?
LL: Have you heard of the pyramids at Giza?
F: One of the wonders of the world! I hope to visit there sometime.
(A pile of rocks is more famous than Christy)

LL: Have you heard of TS the Danish?
F: Nah...I dont eat pastry
LL: Have you heard of Q-tips?
F: I love them!
(A ear wax cleaner that don't really work is more famous than TS)

LL: Have you heard of Farah?
F: Farah who?
LL: Have you heard of Risk Astley?
F: (Starts dancing) Never gonna give you up...
(Rick Astley is more famous than Farah)

And so on with Karuna (tampons beat you), Mahjuja (vs poop coffee), Chamin (Neil Sedaka), Dancer (secret identity of superman. some secret!), Ram (superman's underwear), Sej (every one of the 7 dwafs), Paul (what you call that thing that collect in your bellybutton), Jason & Fortuna ( William Hung), Lift Lurker (blue ice from stupid airlines)

[rafanjr]

... i asked my sister if she knew Nury Vittachi... she said "yes, i read his column in RD magazine"

...so i thought how famous Nury is...

...then my sister added "he's the guy with no forehead...or lots of forehead..."

...then i realized how really famous he is...

[grandpa]

Shooooot
I was so happy to believe that i was famous.
Here comes Lift Lurker reminding me ( and the rest of us at the same time) that we are the most unknown individuals on the planet.
Sigh

LL you are depressing

But you are right!

It is like asking the following questions to the rest of the world ( those who do not live in Hong Kong or cities) , which is the exact number of 5,233,123,358;359,789 individuals.
"What is an elevator"
"What is a ....WHAT?"

"What is an airplane?"

It is something which flies from this way to this way at ten AM every day , and in the opposite direction at ten PM

[grandpa]

The weather had delayed one of my flights in another island and i could not find out when it would arrive
(NO Lift Lurker, you are not allowed to comment on this one either......)

The airport was still a shed without bar and air conditioning. so I tried to be nice to everyone , entertaining them the way I could

Among the passengers , was this nice brunette from Mexico , a very nice brunette..
We started to chat about her beautiful country, which I had visited years back.

One of my student saw us and took me apart :
"Do you know who you are talking to?"
- Of course , I do, I have to verify her passport.
The name is Salma Hayek

- Everybody knows that, without looking at the passport , he says"
-Why should I know that ?
- Because she is a famous actress

OOPS

- Miss, My apologies ,
My student told me that you are a famous movie actress;

-Yes, I am

- Sorry, I did not recognize you, i do not have TV....

[grandpa]

The weather had delayed one of my flights in another island and i could not find out when it would arrive
(NO Lift Lurker, you are not allowed to comment on this one either......)
The airport was still a shed without bar and air conditioning. so I tried to be nice to everyone , entertaining them the way I could;

The lady in the group was very friendly.
She asked me how long I had lived in the island , and I thought that this interesting story would entertain them for a while.
It did
When boarding the airplane , the lady handed me a CD , with a note on it ,thanking me for being so nice.
She kissed me goodbye
(Now , I can hear your comments , you ,jealous readers)
OOOPs
-Sorry ,Who are you exactly?
-Now I can tell you
I am a famous R&B singer from Canada on a 'incognito" vacation in the Caribbean.

Whow,
I was so proud .
I ran to show my 12 year old daughter and trainees and the whole airport staff that they could stop calling me a dinausor.
I was "IN"
I knew the Famous Jully Black
Obviously , I was the only one and my daughter started:
"Jully Black , the famous singer only my papa KNOWS"
I went to London to buy her CD, I went to Paris, I went to Munich,I went to Miami to buy her CDS , I even went on the internet , but I did not find anything.
It went on for years
I lost my credibility , especially with the teenager who was now living in my house....
Until the beginning of this year, when I found Jully's website ans whenI found a video on you tube.
I sent an email to my daughter and friends and the staff of the airport
AH:
"Jully Black , the famous singer only my papa KNOWS"
Who is the fool ,now?
Now that they know, I put the CD in a safe.....

[grandpa]

@Lift Lurker

You asked the wrong question
Instead of asking who is fardel, you should have asked the question :
Who is grandpa?

I bet that you would have had different answers

[Jason]

These girls will grow up to be vapid tai tai's, in loveless marriages to rich, old men, strutting around with their gucci and LV "look at me" conspicuous consumption attitudes. We'll likely see them on youtube one day throwing a temper tantrum.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbVw7entkxg

Everyday I thank the stars that I find these types of women absolutely revolting and that I married a sweet, wonderful, practical woman!

[Lift Lurker]

I come across truly wonderful book:"The Happiness Hypothesis" by me.

(okay, by Jonathan Haidt, who is not me).

One lesson from book: Fame will not give you happiness.

Another lesson from book: Lifts is true way to happiness (I extrapolate a little maybe, with a little eisegeting)

This is not Oprah or Dr Phil style writing but science-based. Highly recommend for its informative value.

[Felicity Bliss]

why do a lot of people seem so desperate to become famous? I'd choose to be the inconspicuous one any day, thank you very much :P

[mocking bird]

Bewaire of imaitioans