Earn money pooping

New job opportunity causes excitement among the terminally lazy

SMART OFFICIALS IN India are paying people to go to the toilet. The cash-for-deposits scheme in Tamil Nadu creates a useful supply of fresh fertilizer while gently training residents to stop pooping in unsuitable places, ie, your neighbor’s patio, the queue at McDonald’s, the hospital lobby, etc.

But don’t quit your job and fly to India yet. The pay is the equivalent of 12 US cents (HK$1) a month, a salary which is on the low side. “Even by YOUR standards,” I said to a teacher friend of mine who is always complaining about his income. We were reading newspapers in a queue at a coffee shop.

Before he could respond, a woman standing behind him said: “It’s more than I earn.”

Shocked, we tried to guess her job. Waitress? Exploited domestic helper? Commission-based seller of melamine-based baby-milk powder?

The woman, whose name was Charlotte, explained that her only income at the moment came from an HSBC savings account. The deposit rate had dropped to 0.001, so she earned just under nine US cents a month.

“That STINKS. Why not go to India and get a job as a full-time, professional toilet user?” I suggested. “You’ll get a massive pay rise.”

The teacher, whose name was Kevin, added: “Twelve cents probably goes a long way in India. And there’s the curry, too.”

She thought about it for a moment. “That must be why they make their curry so hot. To benefit the earn-as-you-poop industry.”
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Kevin, who was still flicking through the newspaper, said there was a huge boom in Asian toilets (I think no pun was intended). Almost 19 million toilets were sold in China alone in the past 12 months, according to a syndicated LA Times report.

By coincidence, I received an email on the same topic from a reader known as Lift Lurker, or Otis Schindler. “Why can’t cubicle walls reach the floor?” he complained. He had been in a toilet recently with his boss in a stall on one side and a junior on the other. Embarrassed, he’d been unable to do what he’d gone there to do. “Is there a scientific or religious reason why toilets have to be QUIETER THAN LIBRARIES?” he continued. He suggested that brass bands be hired to play in washrooms, as the prrrp of trumpets would cover embarrassing human tooting noises.  (Lift Lurker’s email rant is so amusing that I have attached it in full below this post.)
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In the bar that night, an American said that in his country you can’t even use the word toilet: “In the US, toilet paper is labeled Bath Tissue.”

A Filipina said that toilets in her country were marked “CR” for Comfort Room.

A Taiwanese guy said his country went to the opposite extreme. At a chain of restaurants called Modern Toilet, diners sit at full-size toilets and eat out of smaller ones (pic above). They wipe their mouths with toilet paper hanging over the table.
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But I still think the Indian scheme is the best, if only they could up the pay.

Imagine heading to the smallest room in the house with a newspaper, while saying to your wife: “Goodbye, dear. I’m off to work.”
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MY THOUGHTS ON TOILETS (Guest column by LIFT LURKER)
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WE HAVE THE WORST workplace toilets in the universe.

As a species, our accomplishments are truly staggering. We have split atoms, fuse them back together, clone animals, map the human genome, and soon even pin down the Higgs Boson. But our workplace toilet science and sociology disciplines have not kept pace with their big brothers.

If aliens come to visit us, we could die from embarrassment.

Before that happens, I just want to air my complaints in order to prevent interstellar shame.
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Relieving oneself is a very private thing. It involves private parts performing private functions. But our toilets are designed to make these semi-public.

Here’s my first complaint. Why can’t cubicle walls reach the floor?

I sit in my stall. I notice there is someone occupying the stall to my right. I notice because I can see his left shoe. I am 200% sure because I can also see his right shoe! I know it is my boss because I recognize the shoes.

I suddenly realized that if I can see his shoes, he can also see mine!

So I moved my feet away from him and accidentally stepped on the person using the stall to my left, who happens to be my junior, who I was trying to convince I was the coolest mentor ever,

Why must our shoes be visible while we do our thing? Is there a plan to provide while-u-wait shoe polishing services someday perhaps?
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Two stalls down, I can hear someone ripping and scrunching scads of toilet paper. That is Smith, from Marketing.

Three stalls to the right I can hear tuba-like sounds, except I know it’s not a tuba. That is Jones, from Engineering.

Another stall is occupied, but is as quiet as a mouse. Everyone knows that is Winston, from Accounting, in his daily courageous but futile struggle not to peep a sound. He is as anal as me.
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All around I can hear butt-sneezes, butt-sighs, and all sorts of howlings, barkings, plunkings and plinkings. I have no wish to join in this cacophony of the bowels of the netherworlds. So my second complaint is this.

Is there a scientific or religious reason why toilets have to be quieter than libraries? Perhaps it’s time to give Sousa Band Music a renaissance and a new venue (and prehaps create a new genre - toilet music).
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“There you are!” said the head peering overhead into my stall. My colleague had recognised my white leather shoes (complaint number 1!).

“You almost done?” he said to me. “We have a customer here who’s rushing to catch his flight (damn airplanes!). He just has a quick technical question for you. Do you think it’s... uhm... convenient to talk right now? He’s right here beside me. Won’t take two seconds.

You don’t need to stand up. But uhm... do you have any air freshener with you in there?”
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Third complaint: Why don't cubicle walls reach the ceiling? I like a sunroof in my car, but not in my toilet stall.

This morning I used the urinal. Like in most toilets, there is no separator between urinals. The guy next to me had very strong bladders. I know this because I enjoyed the feeling of a warm fine spray coming from his side.
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The absence of separation creates a “cozy” environment that leads people to think it’s OK to chat, to be a toilet friend.

But chatting is a problem for me. Tennis players talk to themselves all the time. But I have never, ever, ever, needed to motivate myself while peeing (what would I say? ‘Good shot!’? ‘Dammit, aim better next time!’?), and so my brain has not developed the wiring required to make words and pee to flow out simultaneously. It has to be one or the other, one at a time.

If someone talks to me: “How about that game last night?” I have to answer like: “I didn’t...<trickle and pause>...catch the...<trickle and pause> ... game ... <trickle and pause>... sorry. (What is the protocol to un-friend someone in the toilet?).

So my fourth complaint: Why no separators between urinals? Please give me separators as high as the Great Wall of China and save me from hordes of toilet friends.
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Being a hygienic person, I always wash my hands before I go and after I go. But not everyone takes the time. I share the toilet with barbarians who simply wipe off the germs from their hands onto the door handle.
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Fifth complaint: After washing our hands, why do we have to hold the doors?

There’s people who think they have a calling to be toilet artists. The produce cute designs: toilets with see-through walls (here), or urinals with photos of girls, or glass doors that turn frosty when in use. All cute, but all useless. Toilet artists not worthy of the name.

I was hoping the scientific and very thorough Germans could help, but all they came up with is a viewing platform, useful for -- what else -- a scientific and very thorough inspection of... produce.

(The Poo Shelf Toilet – click here for more details, if you really want them)

There’s my complaints. Take it seriously, for elsewhere on this planet, SETI enthusiasts are hard at wotk contacting extra-terrestrials. When the aliens do pay us a visit, let’s be ready with decent toilets so they don’t think we’re a lower life-form that needs to be colonized.
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RELATED POST

Mr Jam on the design of toilets
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THREE TOILET PICS TO THINK ABOUT:


(Pic shows unfortunate confluence of mixed signals)

(Pic shows sign which you have to think about to get – gettit?)

(Pic shows assertive toilet sign)

Comments

[Jason]

Wah, what an excremental article! ;)

[hoihajack]

"A Taiwanese guy said his country went to the opposite extreme. At a chain of restaurants called Modern Toilet, diners sit at full-size toilets and eat out of smaller ones (pic above). They wipe their mouths with toilet paper hanging over the table."

You don't have to go to Taiwan to "taste" these culinary delights. Take Exit F (for Fart) from the Causeway Bay MTR and then walk into the Watsons Superstore that is in front of you and go up to the 4/F where you'll find a toilet themed restaurant.

[tamanna]

Fifth complaint: After washing our hands, why do we have to hold the doors?
- this is one issue i ALWAYS have with my friends..and the conversation would end to all of them shouting "u have OCD!!"...whats the problem in washing hands regularly even if u didnt touch anything for a while?

[Dancer Arroyo]

The third picture of the Japanese toilets are the worst. Even though you want other noises in the toilets, Lift Lurker, once you push that button in Japanese toilets, all you hear is extreme loud garbled sounds that can still be heard from the next building. Believed me, people still know what you're doing inside.

Trying to use these toilets first hand, I didn't know what they were for at first, so being ever curious, I pressed it repeated. Other people gave me funny looks when I walked out.

[Dancer Arroyo]

@ Lift Lurker

Just wondering. How do you feel about unisex toilets?

[grandpa]

@Lift lurker
Your complaints make sense.
Your comments are funny , for a down-to-earth technician (Tied down to Earth technician is what I mean).

I believe that I have a solution which would make you a very happy elevator toilet techician

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TC3mIRuH5pY&p=C198938B69466BD2&playnext=1&index=27

[grandpa]

@ Uncle
How dare you ?
I believe that I have to sue you for posting a picture of me on the toilets

[Lift Lurker]

@Dancer, "unisex" toilet is name that give nightmare to language specialist like Uncle Nury Jam.

Uni - "one"

Male toilet = unisex (only for men)

Female toilet = unisex (only for womens)

Multisex toilet = the correct name i think

But people with aviation background will think the s*x is invitation for mile high action.

So i prefer multigender toilet.

[grandpa]

The best toilet experience I had was the "Cunégondes";

That was a box ,made of wood, with a roof
There was no door but you had to enter through a passage way which would give you privacy, except for the feet which everybody could see.( everybody was wearing the same boots , so it would not be a problem)

Inside , there was another wooden box/seat with a hole , big hole.

The whole thing was installed on a bigger hole , 2 metre wide, two meters deep , which we had to dig in the dunes of this remote island.

The uniqueness of this toilet was its cut-out "window" , in front of your face which would allow you to watch the wildlife , like a 3 D TV , with sound , breeze and occasional rain.

Needless to say, it was better NOT to have an urgent need of them at sunset.

The joke we used to make ( or to suffer) was when a guy ( or a girl ) had decided to get into the bigger hole before its first use and hand out the toilet paper to the "customer"
Worse was when this joker had time to get a pail of cold (very cold ) water to flush you rear side

I am sorry for you the city kids ( the rest of the humanity) who never experienced these wonderful toilets

[grandpa]

When I was a kid ( a small one, 7 years old ) I used to live in a remote location , at the end of the European continent , on a cliff ,facing the wild ocean , and its storms.
The toilets were located outside the house.
There was this big door which we had to hold with our two little hands.
The wind would catch the door and fling us out.
The winner was the one who could fly the farther, without being caught by our father.
My mum was so accustomed to see us with bruises and cuts that she would not ask how we got them.
Our father knew , since he had to repair the door after each storm ( i.e twice a week in winter,except when we were at school)

This is where I learned to make my first landings

[Dancer Arroyo]

Fardel's stories reminded me of my visit to Shaolin temple many years ago - much more views from their toilets than your average rainforest. It was built on top of a little hill overlooking 3 football fields put together. The 'multigender' toilet is essentially an L-shaped wall that only goes up to my waist and believe me, I'm not tall. There is a trench behind the wall and there is no door or roof at all. Even if you squat, you are still higher than the those walls. And you will have no choice but to face with perfect clarity the 3000+ people in front of you practicing kung-fu in the fields in unison. If looking straight is not your preferred view, you can also choose to look either the left or the right where you'll see equally butt-naked and embarrassed tourists trying to figure out where to look. I don't have the guts to go back and visit again after that.

[rafanjr]

wow... the elevator guy lurks in the toilets too.... valid complaints though.

its not a complaint but i hate it when water runs out just about when you finish with your produce...worst when you ran out of toilet paper.

[Jason]

Dancer perhaps you could write a book based on your experiences: Zen and the art of dignified public bodily functions

[grandpa]

I was even younger than inthe preceding stories, between five and six.
We used to live in a fort ;
Of course ,for commodity,we would use the holes designed to pour boiling oil on the attackers.
We would wage our wars, aiming at the rats ,walking at the foot of the 30 meters walls.

This was not to the taste of the guardian due to the streaks we left on his walls.
But what could we do at age five ?
we were not sharp shooter yet?
we needed more practice.
This is when I discovered the power of money:
We were barred from "shooting down the holes " when tours were walking by on the walls, not so much for the falling " munitions" we used than for the flying ( the "butterflying" I dare say )of the paper on windy days.
We never thought about it until reprimanded.
We created a new game , where one of us would sneak out , and launch "butterflies " against the tourists, when the rest of the gang would roll on the floor, watching the face of the tourists.
A stupid guy came up with a stupid idea : they installed stupid toilets indoor, where we had to lock up ourself.
Those guys really have no imagination
Sigh !

When I visited the fort ,40 years later with my 10 years old daughter, it was in this fort that I lost my very-serious-very-respectable-very safe-very -quiet father status.

Re-sigh!
I never recovered from that
Obviously that was not the only crazy thing that we would do, and she heard about it.

[Peter]

By pure coincidence and before I read today's column I was pondering on the fact that we are the only species on this planet which defecates in different places according to sex. Guess that's what really differentiates us from animals , because based on many of the nasy things humans do to each other like suicide bombs we are not much better than animals and in some cases much worse.

Having said that, can anyone explain the one great mystery in the world : why do women always go to the toilet in pairs or bigger groups. Is relieving oneself a sort of group thing ?

Re the German toilet design : yes that puzzled me, having often worked in Germany. But trust the Germans to get it right being the clever engineers that they are : THAT DESIGN ELIMINATES THE SPLASH-BACK !

And my final thought about the gaps at the bottom of the cubicles : have you ever noticed that if the floor is highly polished marble you can see the reflection of the guy ( or gal) next door ... and he(she) can see you. Guess that's why we don't have multi sex toilets - as long as there are those gaps.

[Lift Lurker]

About womens toilets. That is one of the 3 traumatic coming of age event in my life:

#1 - I learn that tooth fairy only accept milk teeth.

#2 - I learn that Santa Claus was not a WASP

#3 - I grew up with belief that girls are made of "sugar and spice and everything nice". Then I saw and heard inside of womens toilet.

It sound like grandpa has fertiliszed all 7 continents of earth.

[Lift Lurker]

I was pondering on the fact that we are the only species on this planet which defecates in different places according

Is that typical day for you Peter?

(But since I think about interstellar pooping, I have no right to ask that question)

[Peter]

Hi Lift Lurker

It's true - think about it! Our cats, both male and female both happily use the same litter tray ( and they have no inhibitions about doing it in public)

Only humans do it a) in private and b) in different places based on sex

But as the exception that proves the rule, I was once in a Japanese park toilet and in walked two big school girls ! Then I realised that they were those funny japanese guys who like to dress up as even funnier girls.

I once got a flight to LA so dead tired and in need to relieve myself big time that i walked into the ladies by accident , not noticing the absence of urinals in my tired haze . As I came out of the stall in walked a woman and I said to her " madam - you are in the wrong toilet" She gave me a queer look and and it was only when I got outside that I realised my mistake.

ON THE OTHER HAND ... when out drinking and it's one of those nights you just gotta go big time at the pub and the gents' cubicle is full - make for the ladies because a) it's vacant b) it's a damn sight cleaner than the men's and c) there are so few ladies in the pub that's that's only 1% chance a lady will come in and see you there

There - that's MY confession

[Dancer Arroyo]

@Jason,

I'm already writing a book on Zen and the art of drinking. I have to finish the drinking part first before I can get anywhere near other bodily functions.

[grandpa]

You guys would not want to go to this bus station in Mexico:

I entered the room to see two rows of guys sitting , side by side and reading their newspapers.
I initially thought that my Spanish was not good and that I had entered a library, but the general smell reminded me that my Spanish was correct.

Sorry,I did not dare make a picture.

[TS]

Sorry,I did not dare make a picture.

It would probably have been a bit to much to put up an easel and canvas, hanging around with a painters brush and palette with a French beret on your head.
But you could have taken a photo :-)

[fardel]

That'is exactly what I meant

You are picky , this morning

[Mike M]

Please someone change the subject, this column has deteriorated to the lowest common denominator. Everybody poops and we all have poop stories. That doesn't mean we need to share them.

What is next, hair removal stories? Fasinating tooth brushing techniques? I can't wait to hear the debate about the right way to breathe. Is it in out or out then in?

We are too smart a group to waste time talking about defecation.

[sej]

Mike,

You can make intelligent converstation around any topic, including pooping.

Yes, it's something we all do, yet, it's also something that in a lot of ways, and for some bizarre reason is taboo and/or off-putting.

At my dinner table with my thirteen year old son, the topic comes up regularly, particularly, whether it's a solid (sausage), pasty (a curry), mustard (a yellow-ish green colour), etc.

Lift Lurker's also right, it's amazing how you can tell who's in the next stall! But what do you do, when it's your boss in the next stall. Do you stay there, hoping he didn't recognise you? Or do you finish up early, even if you still have more need, just to make sure you're out of there before he is? Or do you stay there longer, in the hope that he finishes up first so you can avoid interaction over the wash bowl? Or avoid knowing whether he even uses the wash bowl?

[Lift Lurker]

@Mike, my hope is mankind can improve our exporting situation. It need to be discussed by smart people like us or else no improvment in situation will happen.

Every workplace toilet is just a mindless copy of previous one. No improvement. THere should be a "Better Workplace Toilet Day" every year IMHO (in my haughty opinion)

(about toothbrushing. I close my eyes when toothbrushing. It help me feel each tooth better).

@sej, in computing there is term called deadlock. Each side wait for something but progress can only happen if one lets go first. Or is it livelock? Maybe Chamin our computer science expert can clarify.

[Angela]

I had dinner with a friend and her boyfriend last Friday.

He waited while the two of us excused ourselves and went to the ladies together.

When we came back to the table, the conversation was about toilets habits.

He complained about men who wash their hands before heading to the urinals but never after. They just go straight out the door.

This bad habit is not isolated to men, I've seen restaurant waitress coming out of the ladies toilet cubicle and heading straight to the door and back into the restaurant.

I cancelled my reservations.

[rahul]

very diffrent kind a blog,nice post & blog