An idle chat on a rainy night

In which we have a laugh and rescue an ancient cliche

WE HUDDLED IN a bar as rain lashed down in Lan Kwai Fong. I had just downed my third drink, so had moved from the lively stage to the stunned one.

Which was probably why I wasn’t quite sure how to respond when a colleague asked: “So, are you a half-full or a half-empty person?”

Eventually I replied: “I usually skip lunch.”

He shook his head. “No no no, I’m talking philosophically.”

He showed me the headline of an article in a recent issue of Businessworld: “A Glass Half Full, A Glass Half Empty”. He asked: “What does that mean to you?”

“It totally shocks me,” I replied. “I’m totally shocked that there are still editors who use ancient clichés for headlines.”

My colleague agreed. “True. It’s sad. One should only use a cliché if one can reinvent it,” he said.

A lightbulb (fluorescent, energy saver, 40 watts) flashed over my head. I saw a challenge. “Okay. Let’s rescue this prehistoric cliché by working out how various modern people of our acquaintance would respond to it.”

And so we set to. I grabbed a pen and a napkin, we looked at the people around us and this is what we came up with:

The Modern Guide to Half Full or Half Empty Glasses

The optimist says: “I see a glass which is half full.”

The pessimist says: “I see a glass which is half empty.”

The engineer says: “I see a 180 cc glass containing 90 cc of liquid.”

The detective says: “I see a surface likely to bear fingerprints.”

The financial analyst says: “I see a leading indicator that the level of water in the glass may fall, rise, or stay the same.”

The manufacturer says: “I see a $3.50 mass-produced glass containing $0.018 of water.”

The teacher says: “I see half a glass, which is just not good enough. Must try harder.”

The auditor says: “I see evidence of mismanagement.”

The tax consultant says: “I see that a person who has deliberately kept the level of liquid in his glass at just under the threshold at which it becomes a declarable asset.”

The designer says: “I see a worrying mismatch between form and function.”

The political risk analyst says: “I see trouble, but then I always see trouble.”

The bank teller says: “I see myself asking a question: Would you like your water in single cc droplets, or 10-cc portions?”

The mortgage issuer says: “I see an opportunity to give you the funds to buy more water, which you can pay me back at LIBOR plus 3% over 25 years, giving a total sum payable of $54.3 million.”

The psychologist says: “I see evidence that someone has problems, probably with their parents.”

The loss adjuster says: “I don’t know how everyone else values this, but I think it is worth significantly less.”

The columnist says: “I see evidence that it’s time for someone to buy another round of drinks.”

Cheers.

Outside, the pouring rain was becoming a monsoon, but inside, it was warm and cosy. Having a laugh with friends does that to your evening.
*

Technorati Tags: half full,half empty,glass,cliche,humor,work humor,office humor

Comments

[Lift Lurker]

to poet this glass
if half full if half empty
chance to write haiku

--

To airline executive this half empty glass of Coke can be made look full if filled with ice.

When lost his job, airline executive pass same idea to hamburger fastfoods.

--

To indecisive person this is torture.

--

But seriously, there was experiment some time ago (this is true).

US Scientists got 2 glasses. One filled with water (A) and the other empty (B).
They asked the subject to pour half of the water from A to B so they contain equal amount.

Then they ask subject to pick up the "half-full" glass. Subject pick up B.

They repeat experiment with another subject and this time ask him to pick up "half-empty" glass. Subject pick up glass A.

They repeat again and again with hundreds of subject (they had lots of funding).

Most of time subjects associate "half-full" with B, and "half-empty" with A.

[grandpa]

The Modern Guide to Half Full or Half Empty Glasses

Being half empty or half full depends on the content of the glass;it depends as well of who sees it:

The alcoholic ; Sure I would like to see it fully full
The child ; Beurk , this glass is too full of cod liver oil

The cook , This is surely missing some milk for my recipe
The driver , with this half empty glass of gasoline , I shall not drive very far
The sailor , in the middle of the ocean running out of drinking water; you expect me to bathe with a glass so empty of fresh water!
The guest , not accustomed to drinking alcohol;this glass is -half too full

The Touareg; this glass is too empty for my camel....but I am an optimistic: with this quantity of water , he can run for two days, and get me home

[Jason]

The one I heard was: the engineer sees a glass that is twice as big as it needs to be.

[Angela]

The OCD sees a glass that needs to be washed.

[Ellie]

Funny stuff, both post and comments, just the perfect thing for a Friday, thanks all!

[Ellie]

If you'll forgive me being a bit philosphical, hanging around having a laugh with friends (even if the are miles away reachable only via the internet) really is what it's all about. Better than silver or gold.

[No one]

Here's a drawing about the half full half empty glass:

http://soup.johl.io/post/83978061/Trollin

[TS]

The next time a philosopher puts half a glass of water in front of me and ask me that question, I'll pour it into his lap and push him out the door.
I'll then ask passer-bys if they think he wet himself or if it's half a glass of water.

[rafanjr]

...to the schizophrenic... its not a glass, its a bunny with wings

...to the delusional (persecutory... thats going to kill me!!!!

... to the delusional (gradeur)... that a fabulous glass with fabulous water that i, (pause) can only drink

... to the anti-social... a glass a can break in your forehead

... to the person/s with split personality... a glass that is half-full, no its half-empty, shut up its half full, you shot up its half-empty

... to the psychiatrist that deals with them all... a glass i wish were Gin, half-empty or half-full.

[grandpa]

This glass is a miniature container of cosmic proportions:
It is filled with sky on the top half and sky juice in the bottom half .

If you let it sit long enough , you will see a new life /world growing there.
If you wait a little longer , you might even see the birth of a new civilization

[sej]

Or to the IT person... the glass is half full?? It's not big enough. We need to upgrade you to a bucket.

[Lift Lurker]

I call my half-nonrelation (we have same father but different mother) and ask him about this.

He is scientist and work studying the half-death of degradable elements.

He was in bad mood cause his dinner turn out half-raw, but also one of his half-unbaked ideas was laugh at at work.

He consider suicide today and pointed half-uncocked gun into his mouth.

After he ponder the question, he gave me half-nonsmile and pointed gun at me.

-

@TS, I can imagine philosopher going: Am I half wet or half dry? (And while this man was pushing me out the door, am I half in or half out?)

-

@Grandpa, wow! To microbiologist the water is already full of life.

[fardel]

half glass seen by Lift lurker

An ocean is a microscopic dimension

But for the first time in History, no mention about elevators.
Maybe he was half thinking

[fardel]

OOP
I meant: an ocean IN microscopic dimension

[Pooh]

To the Zen Master:

"Is the glass half full or half empty?"

The Zen Master replies, "What glass?"

[Lift Lurker]

Zen master is like philosopher on steroids.

[Norisa]

yuhooo,

how's life? you're my long time favorite writer besides hisamudin rais thus every monday i read loudly to firas, my 5-year-old-no-nonsense son about half-full or half-empty and detailing to him about pessimist and optimistic person. his reply "need smaller glass mom."

i love you as i don't have to think whenever i read whatever you write.

yours,

norisa (mother to ako n firas)

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

The researcher says: "A thorough analysis of the current state of the glass suggests that there is sufficient room for further addition of liquid matter"

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

This is great! I never thought I could laugh this much over the "half-full, half-empty glass" :o)

Hm, lucky that my coffee mug was already empty (not just half empty). I could have sprayed it on the computer monitor :-p

[Lift Lurker]

@Chamin, how would researcher write proposal to get funding to study this glass?

[Chamin]

@LL,

Nice idea, I should think about it :o)

Researchers can investigate how to use the remaining half of the glass, for some purpose within their research area. Examples:

1. Computer scientists: store and organize large data collections from the Internet, in the remaining half

2. Environmental Scientists: sustainable use of half a glass of water and get the results equal to a full glass :-p

More about funding here:

http://research-humour.blogspot.com/2010/09/funding-feed-me-p.html

[Mike M]

you could follow the cable company example and pour it into more than one glass at the customers home and charge them for each glass they have.

[Lift Lurker]

In countries with a Goods and Services Tax (GAST), this is what a full glass look like.