4 funny failed suicides

 
If you want to kill yourself, do what these guys do: foul it up

THERE WAS A HUGE argument going on in the cafe when I arrived. On one side was a guy trying to lose a few kilos. On the other was an amateur nutritionist. (Have you ever met anyone who is not an amateur nutritionist?)

The dieter had combined two different diets. In the mornings, he did the low-carb one where you eat loads of steak, and in the evening he did the food pyramid one where you eat loads of carbs. “I get more variety that way,” he explained.

The nutritionist, a vegetarian, was apoplectic. “The two diets will cancel each other out,” she thundered.

The dieter was aggrieved. “But it’s more balanced than YOUR diet,” he said.

I decided to step in before violence broke out. (It’s well-known that most vegetarians are serial killers.)

But what to say? Fortunately, a fourth person was present—and he had the perfect explanation.

This gentleman was a reporter researching an article on suicides. He told us the remarkable story of Yang Jun, 30, of Guangdong, China. Depressed after his divorce, Yang decided to kill himself. For safety, he used two methods at once. He downed 50 sleeping pills and then climbed up the Haiyin bridge in Guangzhou.

But before he could fling himself 150 feet (46 meters) down into the murky waters, he fell asleep. “I couldn't make up my mind which was better, an overdose or jumping. So I decided to use both. However I was feeling very sleepy by the time I got to the top and the next thing I knew I woke up in hospital," Jun told the press.
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The reporter’s cuttings collection was fascinating. On an item from the UK Daily Mirror last week, the headline said:

“My suicide failed, says S&M husband Mike Roberts.”

Of course it failed. If it had succeeded, he wouldn’t be saying anything, would he?
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Another cutting was about a suicide bomber attack in Jakarta last week. Happily, he was the “right sort” of suicide bomber. The only person he blew up was himself. A nice little self-solving problem.
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I told the journalist about a technique used to stop suicides in southeast China. They cover bridges in butter to make them hard for citizens to climb (this is not a joke). The buttered individuals simply slide to the ground where guards arrest them. How does one grab a person covered in butter? How do they get the stuff off? Not sure: I expect they roll them around on giant slices of bread.
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He told me about a suicidal guy in Wales who blasted himself with a shotgun recently. But he survived. So he pretended that a mystery gunman had attacked him. When the truth was revealed, he said he had lied out of “sheer embarrassment” at his failure to kill himself with a large weapon. He didn’t mind being dead, but being embarrassed—well, that was too much to ask. (This is a Guy Thing.)

If I was going to commit suicide, I would eat myself to death. Two diets at once: a nice way to go.
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ON OTHER MATTERS…. I guess everyone looked up “Jully Black” on Google after Fardel’s recent comments that he knew a real live singing star. Lo and behold, he’s telling the truth. She is a singing star.

One of the reports said: “According to a piracy report by IFPI, the international music industry body, there were "2.8 million illegal file swapping requests for her music in the first two weeks of her album's release in 2005". At the same time, Black reportedly "struggled to sell 15,000 copies of the same album".”

I guess that reflects on our discussion about fame. If people are downloading her tracks, she has fame—but she doesn’t get the big bucks that people may expect to come with it.

From the book industry, I can testify that lots of people find they have a choice of fame or fortune: they often come separately. For proof, check out the Booker Prize winners whose work is out of print because no one is buying any copies…

Comments

[grandpa]

"Lo and behod, he si telling he truth"

Humm
did anyone suspect that I was not , all these years
did anyone think that i make up my stories?

Step forward , if you dare, anyone!
And I shall help you down a bridge, or a cliff or better ,an airplane !

[Colin]

It’s well-known that most vegetarians are serial killers
I think you included a spelling mistake here - should it not be Cereal Killer?

[chelle]

"...eat myself to death" reminds me of something I read from one of your books about that man who "vindalooed" himself to death...

[Christy]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qEdsUeq6xoY

Jihad suicide hotline:

"Don't hang up! Nobody loves you! Your life has no meaning don't hang up!"

:0)

[snow]

that's bad! i suggest they better hire a serial killer! haha and write a note... TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN THIS KILLER OF MINE IS BEING HIRED BY ME...WHAT EVER WILL HAPPEN...THE KILLING WILL BE SUCCESSFUL OR NOT!HE IS NOT BE PUNISHED BUT INSTEAD I CALL HIM MY HERO FOR ENDING MY SUFFERING IN THIS HARSH WORLD! SIGNED, SEALED AND DEAD...

[Rebel With a Fork]

Funny stories. Most everyone is committing suicide by diet these days. Its just a lot slower.

I wonder if they're using real butter on those bridges.

[fardel]

No , they don't
They use the fat from the people on liposuccion surgery (°_°)

[rafanjr]

...Jully Black was not famous until Fardel made us think she is...well she is now... is she a "she", i'm just presuming...she's not really famous right?

...but i have to give credit to fardel...you are really telling the truth about someone you know...

[rafanjr]

...oh she really is a "she"

[Angela]

cereal killer made me LOL :)

I remember seeing a telephone on the golden gate bridge in San Francisco, it's for suicide helpline.

Just in case you change your mind about jumping...

[Angela]

I know a lot of cereal killers and they are mostly juveniles :) but there are also some adults who never got over the cereal killer phase.

[TS]

When vegans become zombies, they'll be coming for our grains... arrgh... Grains.. GRainsss GRAAAINSSS....

Farmers all over the world will biting their flat caps in fear over vegezombies coming 'round their fields.

And you all thought crop-circles was made by people tramping down the straws at night...

[Christyn Rana]

I always attract suicidal people. So far none of them are dead. The 1st attempted to slit the opposite side of her wrist. Ended up with cat-like scratches. At least she got enough attention from people who cared enough to tell her to try and jump down from a tall building for a successful suicide so that all of us will be not confused whether to show empathy or indifference or disgust. She is alive and dating a man who does not trigger off her suicidal hormones as much as her ex-boyfriend.

The 2nd case was more recent but same cause. Boy issues. Filthy rich girl, loves paris hilton. I personally tended to her slit wrist. I'm not kidding. For the 2nd time. She likes to attempt it with style. Not bad. She attempted once at the garden near the Malaysian Twin Tower. She really was dressed to kill. Herself. I told her not to forget me in her will.

[grandpa]

I tried to commit suicide once.
I wanted to end my life.

I thought it was boring
I .............got ........................marrried

Thank to a divorce , I got my life back....

[grandpa]

Marriage.....
The only suicide attempt where you can get your life back......
unless you are not lucky !

[Lift Lurker]

And then there is entrepreneureal funeral who cross-market with suicide hotline (hotlines need funds people!)

Caller: I can't take life anymore!

Hotline: Talk to me buddy. We're here to help. BTW, just in case....did you know if you write "I choose Funeral XXX, REFCODE:003" in you suicide letter, your family can get 12% discount on their services, and we get small referral fee. We'd really appreciate it.

---

(inspired by Mr Jam's "A one-act play in Englasian")

And then there is hotline really lacking funds, outsourced their number to Bangalore:

Caller: (contemplate suicide because lost his outsourced job) Hello? I need to talk to someone.

Hotline: Suicide hotline. Harlowelcumkaneye L. pyoo?

Caller: (gunshot bang!)

Hotline: Harlo? Harlo? Harlo? Nobody der.

[But seriously, suicide is terrible event in any family life. I wish it on no one]

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

"Hello there, and welcome to the International Suicide Hotline. For English, press 1."

...

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

Angela,

Most budget hotels in Europe encourage cereal killers. I enjoy the variety of them in the buffet breakfasts there.

But I don't want to use the term on myself, immigration is already hard enough :-p

[Angela]

I just don't understand how adults can eat cereal for breakfast, or eat cereal at all.

But I guess it's the same way that my western friends don't understand how I can eat rice and fish soup for breakfast.

Different constitution.

[TS]

Angela, rice is a cereal...

[Angela]

TS got me! :)

[in love with bollywood]

talking bout suicide reminds me about a hindi movie i recently watched.. itz called Anjaana Anjaani.. itz about how 2 strangers trying to commit suicide end up falling in LOVE..
u guys might enjoy it..;)

[Lift Lurker]

Again TS help remove scales from our eyes.

Tomorrow morning I will try cereal with fish soup for breakfast. It sound a little suicidal.

[TS]

I guess Angela think of cereals in their, rolled, toasted and endlessly additieved breakfast, form as conceived by John Harvey Kellogg.

Considering his loathsome motivation of creating such foods, I can understand why Angela resists.