Why males self-destruct

 
In which we solve the puzzle of why guys cause so much trouble

THE ODDEST MOVIE to come out of Hollywood this month is I’m Still Here, a partly staged documentary about an actor called Joaquin Phoenix (below) who wipes out his brain by the relentless application of enough drugs to kill a dozen elephants, or Keith Richards.

“Yessss! Watching a rich Hollywood star self-destruct would be really fun,” said a friend of mine who is a really nice guy, except for being an evil sadist who should be put down immediately.

While it is unclear how deliberate Phoenix’s acts of self-abuse are, the movie has triggered discussion about why people destroy themselves.

My friends reckon it’s a male trait.

“If you exclude women, 100 per cent of suicides around the world are guys,” one said.

Whoah—shocking statistic! Or maybe not.
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Discussing male self-destruction over lunch, a diner commented: “You said in your column last week that your dog attacks you. Author Clive James had a dog which was so aggressive that when there was no one to attack, it would chase itself, attempting to bite off its own testicles. What is the evolutionary advantage of that?”

I couldn’t think of an answer, so I emailed the question to knowledgeable people asking for help.


Say goodbye, testicles
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The following day, I did a one-hour stretch as a teacher’s assistant. While the girls were uniformly angelic, the boys, demons all, appeared pre-programmed to climb windowsills, playhouse roofs and trees and then fall to their deaths. Again came the question: what is the evolutionary benefit of male idiocy?

Catching falling boys is exhausting. Fleeing to the staff room, I hid my face in a science magazine containing a feature called The Ant Death Spiral.

The queen ant is a huge bulbous creature who stays at home waiting to be fed. (Why does this remind me of my aunts?)

The guy ants go hunt for food.

Every now and then, a male ant loses his way, presumably because he refuses to ask for directions, and eventually circles around to rejoin the group.

The other ants follow his trail. The entire colony of a million ants ends up walking in circles until they die. Below is a video of it.

 

It’s all very sad, I suppose, but I can’t cry for bugs. I only feel sympathy for poor dumb mammals, or mammal-like creatures, however odd they are, such as cats, dogs, manatees, dugongs, tarsiers and Michael Jackson.

Which was probably why I couldn’t get the image of poor Mr James’ dog out of my head.

What happens if a dog attempting to bite off its tail or reproductive equipment actually manages to reach them?

Google offered only this suggestion: “They don't realize that this particular thing is a part of their body,” wrote Swati Nitin Gupta in EzineArticles.com.

When I switched over to my email, I found someone with a psychology background had answered my question.

“Dogs who bite off their testicles remove themselves from the gene pool, and thus benefit the dog species as a whole. Exactly the same thing can be said of self-destructive human males such as Joaquin Phoenix.”

Does this mean that Mr Phoenix also attempts to bite off his testicles? I really MUST see this movie.
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Technorati Tags: Joaquin Phoenix,I'm still here,self-destruction,male suicide rate,ant death spiral,dogs chasing tails

Comments

[Rusty]

If a dog actually wanted to bite off his testicles he would easily do so whilst licking them ??
Something they do more than a dozen times a day, so trying to bite them off the hard way
has to have a hidden message for all of us. I think we have to work
this out.

Loved your article.
Best regards,

[Karuna aka Kaye Moreno]

have seen pictures of snakes that eat themselves.

Need to check if these were male snakes !

[rafanjr]

Men self destruct because of women. (This is a law of nature: men kill themselves because of women or they kill other men because of.... you guessed it .... women)

Oh! Men are not like dogs. Dogs try to eat their testicles. Men give precious care to their balls.... afterall its the only way we can propagate... before we self-destruct.

[Stevadore]

Biting off your own testicles is an example of the Darwin effect. Dumb dogs (and guys) do it, to clear the gene pool for the rest of us.
It would be interesting to speculate on other unusual examples of the Darwin effect.
For example, going into the stockbroking profession.

[Mike M]

Why males self destruct?

1 They want to be cool. And are actually stupid or momentatalily stupid.

2 They know they aren't cool so they self medicate or self loathe.

3 Are bored and no sports are on.

4 A women is around and they think it will help their chances.

5. Everyone else is doing it. And or I will be a nonconformist in the same way as all my friends are nonconformist.

[Jason]

"No nurse, I said slip of his spectacles!"

[Mike M]

"Now Charlie's brain knows what he's about to do ain't too bright. Unfortunately Charlie's brain ain't driving the bus"

Paul Reisner from "The Marrying Man".

[TS]

Back when I was still in school there was a joke going around about why dogs licks their testicles.
We all laughed at it, even though we didn't quite understand it.

I will not tell that joke here, it's probably a bit to strong for this audience, but I'll give you the punch line: "because they can!"

[grandpa aka Faye Libad aka fardel]

Men do not self destruct because of women.
women do ( self destruct men)

Here you are , an old guy , quiet , running your daily life, raising your child.

Out of the blue , comes Miss Perfect, all smile ,all smell,with a look capable of melting the polar cap in less time than it takes to prepare a cup of coffee;

She starts a nuclear chain reaction:
Each one of your cell gets into a frenzy
Your heart runs up to 10 000 beats per second,
Your field of vision becomes so narrow that the rest of the world disappears
Your inside is in turmoil ( sorry I cannot talk about your outside here )
You brain is put on standby mode

Before you know it , she disappears, after having wrecked havoc,leaving you in complete shambles, at best

I was always wondering why guys used to call them "bombs".
Now I know.
Those whom they cannot blow up , they irradiate,leaving a permanent damage

atomic bombs, that's what they are

The male gender
is in danger

[JC]

I have lived more than 30 years on earth and yet haven't seen any dogs bitting their own testicles. Rather, I have seen HUMANS who bit, hit, killed dogs they don't like.....

[Ellie]

Fardel has fallen in love, if i read the comment he made correctly!

[fardel]

No
I did not fall
I always wear a six-point seatbelt and a parachute and a helmet;
But i must adlit that it was a close encounter of the fourth kind

[Angela]

Few days ago I watched this movie, Devil. It was about a group of strangers trapped inside a lift and one by one they self-destruct.

Lift Lurker, have you seen this movie?

Watching the movie reminded me of the conversations here about how people behave inside lifts. And that annoying lift music :)

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Hey Fardel, what is happening to you? Where are you parachuting to? Shall I give you my coordinates?

*

I've been running around meeting clients and delivering work that I hardly have time to catch up with the comments. But when I do have a break in-between work, I tune in to get a humor lift :)

You guys are great!

[Angela]

Just remembered this saying, "running around like a headless chicken"

:-)

[fardel]

@ Angela
I have seen the trailer.
I do not think that I shall watch this movie.

Finally a terror movie which does not relate to aviation .
Lift Lurker is speechless.

Angela's comments confirms what I was saying
Women self destruct men
When one misses you, another one is ready to bleed you dry.

[Lift Lurker]

grandma grandpa,

I did not hear about this movie until you tell me about it. Now I see the preview in Youtube.

I used to like M Night Shamalan A LOT.

Until he started to make movies.

Is there nothing sacred anymore?

More than a baker's dozen of Lift fairy died in making this movie I am sure.

This is one thing Bayesians and Frequentists agree : this movie is most improbable scenario. Such things happen only on machines that fly 20,000 feet above the ground.

Can you imagine a movie about Jodie Foster lost her son in a Lift and the Lift captain and Lift crew deny the child was ever in plane?

Can you imagine a Lift suddenly full of snakes and no one can escape ("Oh, why don't we press the open door button?")

Can you imagine a Lift carrying president Harrison Ford of USA suddenly Lift-jacked and Lift sent to East Europe?

Can you imagine Lift transporting Nicola Cage + 200 hardened criminals + 1 very soft cross-dressing criminal?

[Christyn Rana]

Men self-destruct because of women or kill other men because of women? Read it somewhere above. Time to get intelligent eh!

Entered a conversation once about how men wanted to be served in their household especially in the olden days because they were the breadwinners and women willingly agreed. Now women are increasingly and bravely taking up the responsibilities of men and their own. A male classmate asked, ''Why must women always be busy with their homes, kids, siblings, parents, kitchen blah blah??''
Someone (me) replied, ''Dimwit because men can't.''
Following day, a female friend asked the purpose of a male.
I thought deeply. In terms of job home, kids, bills, friends we got it covered. I received enlightment! Reproduction factor. After which I had none other reasons.

[Will]

It is said that the destruction of man is attributed to only two things...money and women, mine;s definitely a woman;)

[farah]

reproduction huh? even for that a woman is required as a catalyst to give the final output...a baby which can be a girl or a boy :)

sorry but we ARE the superior gender here :D