The no-balls scandal

What you need to know about the current match-fixing allegations

CRICKET BATS, shocking scandals, secret videos, bags of cash, white trousers and no balls.

Yes, we can only be taking about one thing. Abba.

(If we leave out the cricket bats, that is.)

OR we could be referring to the current match-fixing scandal embroiling this game, popular in Asia, the UK and Australia.

All I know about cricket is that players are divided into two teams, “innings” and “outings”, depending on what type of belly-button they have.

And that top players, who can revolve their lower limbs 360 degrees, are known as “leg-spinners”.
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I asked a Pakistani friend to tell me more. “To play cricket, you need three things,” he said. “A ball. A bat. And a secret Swiss bank account.”

How do you play?

Step one: Receive instructions such as the following from the match-fixer: “After one over is over but before another over is over, bowl six no balls, two yes balls, three maybe balls and one no way ball.”

Step two: Receive cash.

Step three: At this point, a team of reporters from the News of the World will arrive and ask whether they can film you collecting bribes. DO NOT agree to this unless you are a) very very stupid, or b) Mahzar Majeed.

Note: A “no ball” is a wrongly thrown ball. It should not to be confused with the term “balls-up” which is defined as “letting yourself be filmed taking bribes”.
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The last match-fixing scandal I reported on was between South Africa and India.

South African Bob Woolmer told the Daily Telegraph that captain Hansie Cronje was upset.

“He threw his plate of food down so hard on the floor that the chicken rebounded onto the roof of the dressing room. The sight of chicken stuck to the roof was amusing, but the captain’s temper was such that he left for the washrooms where he smoldered out of control and in tears.”

Let us forgive his mixed metaphor, in which the captain’s face is simultaneously wet and on fire.

What intrigued me was how a meal could be thrown floor-wards with such force as to cause a chicken breast to rise into the air, hit the ceiling and adhere thereon. 

This writer attempted to recreate the event using a plastic plate and a real chicken breast, but I could only succeed in getting it to knee-level. You’d need Olympian strength to get it higher.

This activity is actually much more watchable than cricket, and could helpfully be revived for adding to the Commonwealth Games schedule in India next week. This would distract people from the fact that some of the buildings are “not quite ready”, or, to put it another way, still un-reclaimed swampland.

Remember.

Taking part in a sports event is not about winning.

It is about the freebies. It is about extending the limits of human ability.

Early man probably NEVER managed to get his chicken kiev stuck to the roof of his cave. If he were here today, he would watch modern cricketers achieve this amazing feat with undisguised astonishment.
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Correct stance for playing cricket
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At last, person in crowd with banner “gets it”

Comments

[rafanjr]

why is it called cricket when there are no insects involved?

... and i tried the thing with plastic plate with chicken thighs... it sure is knee high when given enough force,then i dared a friend to try to let the bouncing chicken reach his waist. It did, he said... then i found out he was kneeling down...

[vincent l.]

Ths is the funniest description of cricket I have ever read!! Only a non-cricketer can amuse a cricketer like this. A cricketer cannot even hope to amuse a non-cricketer, he would be slapped very hard!!

[dul]

Nury!
Your knowledge on cricket is shocking! Being Sri Lankan too! lol!
Although i have to admit i heard this whole no ball scandal when they asked a question on it in my professional practice paper...
"Is throwing a no ball ethical?"
err...
And then i got blasted by everyone when i dared to ask if it was true...

[Angela]

I don't know anything about crickets, except that they are noisy like cicadas. 

But I know a lot about food. And angry men. And I think Nury and the boys are missing something in their chicken-in-the-ceiling experiment. You were misled by the word "rebounded". The journalist is obviously a man. 

I will be as scientific as possible in my explanation but I beg your pardon as I am a female and it hurts my brain. 

There is a primary force and a secondary force. Primary force is generated to enable secondary force. But it is the secondary force that is the focus of the action. 

(nose bleed here)

Think in slo-mo:

Before you can throw something down you must lift it up first. It was the force of him lifting the plate up that sent the chicken flying to the roof. Not from throwing the plate down. 

Trust me because I have just described how my father reacted when we run out of catsup for fried chicken. 

 

[Chamin]

I have a strong craving to try the chicken-and-plate experiment. This is more interesting than cricket :o)

But I think it will only work for a ping-pong ball.

[fardel]

@Chamin
I believe that if you try this home with chicken; you wife will beat your b...s off with a cricket bat
You might be the one getting stuck to the ceiling

[Mike M]

If you want to play the bounce your food game go to this site.

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=6&ved=0CCYQIDAF&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwebcache.googleusercontent.com%2Fsearch%3Fq%3Dcache%3Awpu-0-GqHboJ%3Awww.akidsheart.com%2Fholidays%2Fthanks%2Fthbounce.htm%2Bwhat%2Bfood%2Bbounces%253F%26cd%3D6%26hl%3Den%26ct%3Dclnk%26gl%3Dus&ei=RsajTJOCE4H98AajgumkCg&usg=AFQjCNE_ibhNeVEpGoOh3IqdrXvFSqMnFQ

[rafanjr]

an update to the bouncing chicken experiment.... fried chicken (drumstick) bounces higher than steamed chicken (breast)

... but it still won't reach the ceiling...

too bad...

[marble]

No wonder why chicken are selling at a higher price today. You guys are buying them for experiements, even for different recipes like fried or steamed.

Mike, I like the game. It gives me the fun and save me from cleaning the mess.

[granpa aka faye Libad aka fardel]

Do not forget that chicken are used is aviation experiments as well:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nAc7wab-l4&feature=related

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

Fardel,

Luckily, I am still single. So I can try experiments like these and have some fun, without getting no-balled ;-).

But then, I am thinking of this long and risky experiment of getting married too :-p

[Tile]

Wooow... less than 100 comments!!... I have to take advantage of this and write my comment on your web site... ok... what should I write??... mmm, I don't think my criminal history would help me gain your sympathy, uh?? haha... in any case, I just want you to know that I think you're a incredible blogger and writer... so, thanks for that.. now I know I'm not a robot. well, this comment is gettin' too long to be read, so i'll stop now...