How to get someone killed

Hit-men have also been hit by the recession, readers reveal

IT NOW COSTS LESS to hire a contract killer than it does to pay a parking fine, I learn from the comments section of this site. I’m not surprised.

I mean, there are literally millions of useless people around, and that’s just in the executive council of the US gun lobby.

Idiots who promote casual violence should be shot. No, wait. Never mind.

But parking spaces? Man, these are SO RARE these days that if I see one, I go and park in it, even if it’s 15 to 20 kilometers away from where I need to be. I mean, you just can’t pass up a chance like that!
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Last week, this columnist made a jokey reference to being in need of a contract killer and promptly found myself being advised on how to get one (we’re proud of the fact that our readers have the widest network of contacts on the planet).

“My husband met a couple of contract killers one midnight in Kowloon City and they offered their services at a mere HK$300,” said a reader named Dancer Wong.

For the sake of comparison, the last parking fine I had to pay at the same location was HK$450.

Sheila Jade, another reader, asked: “What was your husband doing meeting hired killers? I hope he was not after your life insurance.”

Dancer, a newly-wed, said: “I'm far too broke after my wedding to actually own life insurance.”

A pair of hit-men were approaching people to ask if anybody wanted anyone killed, she said. Her husband did not. “But he and they actually had a nice chat about how difficult it is find business these days,” Dancer said.
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An American reader said contract killers in his country were classier. A woman asked hit-man Kurtis Armann to kill her ex-husband. He made her sign a legal contract which included a “reversion” clause which allowed him to kill her if she didn’t pay on time. Cops admired his professionalism.

(Aiyeeah. If my landlord hears about this, he will definitely add the clause to his contracts.)
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But an Indian reader showed me a recent cutting from a newspaper in her country about a contract killer who strangled a victim for just 150 rupees, which is US$3.25, less than the price of my morning coffee. “That the value of human life is going down by the day is well known,” Pervez Iqbal Siddiqui of the Times of India, lamented. “But how low can it fall?”
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That night, my mentor/bartender came up with a positive spin on all this. “If contract killers in Asia are dropping their prices, this is good news. It means no one wants them anymore.”

This makes sense.

We journalists get into more disputes than the average person.

Yet I cannot think of a single person I would want to have killed. Except for spam forwarders, the Generals of Myanmar, people who run pet shops, the guy who got the last seat on my bus this morning, and of course the woman who stole my parking space last night. Especially her.
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Technorati Tags: contract killer,recession

Comments

[Vin Tsen]

Yeah, pretty much the cheapest and most effective way to overcome overpopulation.

[Stevadore]

Nice to see how casual comments on this site grow into actual articles in the newspapers. I want to get my name the papers, unfortunately I cannot think of anything witty to say. i will go and eat a large sugary item and see if that gets my brain juices flowing.

[rafanjr]

....do these hitmen come with a "money back guarantee" if the person won't get killed? Just a curious thought.

[TS]

Funny you should use that picture on top to illustrate your contact killer negotiations. Just this weekend I watched "The Killer" on DVD for the Nth time.

"The Killer" is probably the best John Woo or Chow Yun-fat movie made so far.
The world would have been richer if none of them had wasted their time in Hollywood. Danny Lee made the right choice to stay put.
This of course is my personal opinion, if anyone contest that, I'll give that person a black eye.
I hate violence in the real world, so you have to stand very still while I apply some black make-up around your eye.

In the light of me having that film fresh in my memory, I will just point out a couple of factual errors in that picture on top.

Ah Jong does not negotiate his price.

Li Ying is an honest detective and would never hire a contract killer.

Li Ying watched too much Miami Vice in the 80's and made a really poor choice with that suit.

[Nury]

TS, you are a natural wit!
Love the line about the black eye and the make-up.
But what I don't understand is how someone living so many miles away from Hong Kong is so familiar with a piece of archetypal Chinese-language culture such as the Canto-movie genre...

[Angela]

ROTFL at TS's comment above :-)

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Speaking of negotiations, I recently negotiated a contract with client, not to ice someone but to edit documents. This being the second time he has hired me, he wanted discount. As we are in Asia, I must give discount. That I am chinese, he bargained for more discount. I had to put a stop to this crazy practice of over-bargaining, so I told him that my output being words, I cannot give bulk discount because I simply cannot do a mass production to reduce my operating costs.

He relented and now I have to go and kill some words.

[TS]

John Woo's Hong Kong films are essential viewing for any real action movie fan.

Personally i love the off-beat charm of Asian cinema, you rarely get that with Hollywood films.

[Lift Lurker]

Maybe price of contract killing is going low because of law of supply and demand.

Poor demand bring down prices. But what cause poor demand? Is it because people love each other more
and few people want to kill each other? Since life outside Lift is barbarian, I do not think this explain it.

One reason I can believe why contract killing price is low is that DIY culture is also present in contract killing. You can learn anything
in YouBook. Maybe there is even iPhone App.

Other reason for low price is too much supply. This is because anyone can be contract killer. I call the government to apply for
license and they say there is no need for license. Just go ahead.

That mean there is no professional quality control!

In the Lift we capture many conversations between "contract killers" and buyers.

Most of them have no imagination and always offer to "make it look like accident".
If there is too much competition I think strategy should be to be different. Some killer should find their niche.

- "We make it NOT look like accident"
- "We make it look like ninjas killed the victim"
- "Ours make it look like a drone attack"
- "We make it look like the victim died of natural cause, like from plane crash"
- We use authentic undead mummies to kill victim.

Without regulation we get ethical problems:

- Contract killer kills victim. Victim dies. Victim is revived in hospital. Killer sends bill. Buyer doesn't want to pay. Killer sues buyer.

- Buyer hires contract killer. Killer realize he is facebook friend with to-be victim. Ethical question: should he do it?

- Buyer hires killer. Killer go to eBay and allow victim to bid higher and will kill original buyer if bid is higher.

(TS, I am impressed you can remember the names Ah Jong, Li Ying, etc. When I watch Australian movies like Crocodile Dandy all I can remember is everyone is named "mate")

[Christyn Rana]

My mom is in need of a hitman and looking at the decreasing cost of killing she must be all excited. She is really pissed off by a lady. I told her she could invite her to tea in Nepal and let her eat dirt sandwich. What is not legal in Nepal. Killing is like a festive occasion there. Weed is a confirmation of wisedom in men. Black magic is medicine, sometimes. Our female neighbors are witches. If you think Amsterdamn is something, you just haven't been to Nepal. Hmm.... That would make a great tourism slogan.

[Mike M]

Could you pay contract killer with reserved parking space? Then what happens when the lot overbooks like in airline industry?

[fardel]

@ Lift lurker and Mike M

Considering your constant attacks on our aviation industry, we are sorry to inform you that each one of you just won a free one-way ticket from a small travel agent in Wan Chai
They specialize in destination unknown,somewhere beyond the stars, in the comfort of individual berth, with a coffee-in
departure time :anytime
no need for check in
comfort guaranteed: you will travel laying down

There may be the use of a downward elevator, but only for a few feet.
Then you will be shot out to outer galaxy.

For information to your relative:

Outer Galaxy travel inc.
Full moon Alley
Hong Kong

[Mike M]

Wow! "Charlie and the Glass Elevator" is a lot darker than I remember.

[Lift Lurker]

@Grandpa... gulp! I am only kidding (but Mike is not). I take back what I say. Dying by plane crash is not natural cause of death.

It very common but not natural.

There.

But it give me thought. What if companies offer contract "cleaning" like when they offer lunch?

[Chamin]

Is there a way to hire contract killers to kill systems, instead if people? F or example, immigration officers an racists?

[fardel]

@Lift Lurker

unlike other transportation services, We aim at the best service .

this is why we are happy to remind you that your one-way ticket is non refundable.
But I am sorry , we are not allowed to give you more information about the date and time.
You will find for yourself when your time comes.
My I suggest that you stay away from elevators?

[Lift Lurker]

@Grandpa,

non-refundable ticket is not good service!

I begin to understand why people "accidentally" step into empty lift shafts.

It is not accidental after all. The evil, unprofitable, hand of aviation industry seems behind it.

I cannot stay away from Lifts.

It is like asking Bobby Fischer to play Monopoly instead of Chess.

It is like asking W. Edwards Deming to think about World of Warcraft instead of Statistical Process Control.

It like asking Uncle Nury Jam to go on many weeks vacation instead of writing columns.

Unthinkable.