5 scary fast foods set to kill you

New items on the fast food menu are the most lethal yet

PEOPLE ONCE LAUGHED at me because I thought a “nutritionist” was a person who lived on nuts. But then I met one and found I was right.

My nut-eating friend Jenny was frothing at the mouth the other day. “One of the world’s most notorious rogue nations has developed new weapons of mass destruction,” she warned. “They will eventually be responsible for thousands of deaths around the world.”

But she wasn’t talking about any member of the group of places she once referred to as “the Axle of Evil”. She had made a list of the five most dangerous foods released this year.

Curiously, they all came from one country—the United States. Yeah. I was surprised, too.

She reeled them off in reverse order of horror.

 

At number five was the Krispy Kreme Donut Burger—a fatty patty in the middle of a pair of ultra-sweet sugar-coated snacks.

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At number four was the Burger Pizza, now available at Burger King in New York, at 2,000 calories a go.

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At number three was Fried Beer Bites: little dough pockets of beer, deep fried.
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At number two was the KFC Double Down, a ”sandwich” of two chicken breasts around two strips of bacon and two slices of cheese.

Jenny described it as “a lump of fatty protein topped by a lump of fatty protein topped by a lump of fatty protein topped by a lump of fatty protein, etc.”

I added: “And EATEN by a lump of fatty protein.”
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Number one on her list was Fried Butter, a new snack consisting of a lump of fat cooked in fat.
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It was a powerfully delivered speech. But there was just one problem. Her small audience consisted entirely of males.

I’m sorry, but most guys like American food.

Indeed, her list of food items had left us slipping around in our own drool, some literally.

“American food may not be the healthiest in the world,” one of the guys said. “But it is pretty much Perfect Guy Food.”
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But just to show her that men aren’t complete reprobates, we did a scientific survey on a well-known female diet mystery.

If a woman eats a single 100-gramme piece of chocolate cake, she will instantly put on at least 500 grammes of excess weight. How is this possible?

We interviewed a large number of women (two) and received 100 per cent agreement that this actually happens. “One mouthful of sacher torte and whoompf! I’m the Michelin Man,” said one medium-size female.

I phoned a doctor, expecting her to say that it was impossible. But she didn’t. “What happens is that a woman who eats chocolate cake finds herself suddenly filled with sugar and guilt,” she said. “The two combine in her stomach to cause severe bloating. Bang. She’s the Incredible Hulk.”
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By this time, the guys had lost interest in health issues.

They were discussing applications for Fried Beer Bites, which had caught their imaginations.

“You could have a pack on your desk, like normal snacks,” said one. “And you could consume beer all day, right in front of your boss.”

“You could have them in a cereal bowl for breakfast,” said another.

Jenny said it would not be healthy to consume beer from morning till night.

“You’re right,” I told her. “For health reasons, we’d have to take regular breaks for food. A couple of rounds of Krispy Kreme Donut Burgers would be perfect.”

All the guys nodded.

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Technorati Tags: KFC double down,food,fast food,healthy food,food humor,beer bites,fried butter,diet,nutrition,pizza burger,krispy kreme burger

Comments

[Dancer Arroyo]

I regret having read this at 10:30 in the morning. What is even more depressing is that this food is NOT sold anywhere near. I gotta find me some food.

The beer pockets would make wonderful snacks in the next meeting where I can get everybody drunk.

[Paul]

I have a love / hater relationship with US food. I hate it because I know it is bad for me, but the salt and sugar combinations are just too addictive to pass up. My favorite was called the Triple Decker Pizza and was sold by Pizza Hut back in the mid-late 90s. A plain cheese version was my ‘goto food’ while studying in college and a large could cover me for both dinner in the evening and breakfast the next morning.

It was a specialized crust released around the same time they started doing the Stuffed Crust pizza. It was two layers of thin crust with cheese in-between, then your sauce cheese and toppings of choice on top. It was basically like taking two large thin crust cheese pizzas today and stacking them, although it is not the same taste (yes, I have tried ;-p ).

Pizza Hut stopped selling them shortly after I moved to Hong Kong in 2000. I guess since I stopped ordering them, demand dropped so much that they decided to cancel it. ;-)

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

The only Krispy Creme shop in Tokyo has a long (50-100m is not surprising) line waiting for them everyday.

Given that very few Japanese are overweight, I have a conspiracy theory about this. The health ministry sends officers in disguise, who line up to buy the donuts and then burn them back at the ministry.

[Jason]

As long as American girls keep eating like this, expat men in HK and elsewhere in Asia will stay with dating Asian women exclusively!

[Ellie]

I do feel sorry for people in America. With temptation like that above, they really have virtually no chance of staying healthy....

I'm intrigued (and digusted) by the first on the list. krispy kreme donuts are ultra sweet. burgers are ultra salty. I can't help but wonder what the mix tastes like...

[Mike]

Why pick on only American food?

How about Tsitsarong Bulaklak ( fried chitterlings)?

fried chicharon-style chicken skin

Curry fishballs?

Balut

Or the food so unhealthy it comes wrapped in a do it yourself will,
blowfish sushi?

[Mike]

Ironically, this is not so bad for you. Unless you are one of the fools who has been brainwashed by the fat free myth.

Too much sugar and carb is bad for you.

Fat and protein are not bad, provided it is the right sort of fat. Although the KFC thing does not look good for you, provided it is animal fat, it is probably more healthy for you than rye bread and jam!!!!

[sej]

Dang! Can't get the Krispy Kreme burger here in Australia... might have to make it... What do you reckon I'd need??

Krispy Kreme donut of course... I think I might get the patty from a McDonald's Quarter Pounder, the egg and bacon I could fry up at home. That might just be the ticket!

Seriously though, I believe that most people haven't got the foggiest idea of what is actually healthy or not, and I'm going to include in that a lot of dietitians and nutritionists. On the whole, they seem to take a point of view, and then defend it to the death, even when they contradict themselves.

[TS]

The label "99% fat free" is mostly used to distract people from noticing how much sugar and/or salt the product contains.

Regardless of other health issues with fat, your body really likes it.
It's an excellent storage medium for energy until lean times are encountered and the fat is burned by your body as a replacement for food.

Unfortunately (or fortunately) most of us in the developed world do not encounter lean times. Your body know nothing of this, it always fears the worst and piles all the fat you get your teeth into onto your hips, your belly, your bum, gives you a couple of extra chins and pack it tight around your organs.
Whatever excess sugar you consume, gets converted into fat for energy storage as well.

Healthy or unhealthy fats, excess weight is not good for your bones and joints, which are strained and worn out early.
Also your heart will strain to pump blood around a body-frame it was not sized for.
Your lung capacity will be affected as well as the fat around your organ pushes them against your ribcage. Obese does not lose their breath because they are heavy, the decreased lung capacity is to blame.

What should we eat then?

Don't ask me, I'm gonna try a fried Mars Bar sometime in my life and I can't rule out that I will try an Elvis Sandwich* either.

Go follow some skinny people in the supermarket and see what they put in their shopping trolleys.

*Peanut butter, banana and bacon sandwich

[TS]

...and oh yeah, bring me a bucket...

[Vaibhav]

Actually if you wanna lose belly fat. you should eat the above but only 1ce a week. Rest of the days have a nutritous diet.
There are good fats and bad fats. God fats are from avocado, nuts bad fats are the vegetable oils and refined oils.

There is a rule of thumb for healthy eating. Single ingredient things are best.
Or dont eat anything you're grandfather cant recongnize.

[Vaibhav]

Oh and stay away from processed foods and margarine(heart attack in a box).
Anything laden with preservatives should be avoided.

It is simple really.

[reet]

i can only say that it got my mouth watering.. (considering the fact that i haven't ate anything since morning)...

[Chamin]

Mike,

I think the problem with low-carb diet in the US is that it is low-carb, high-fat.

Animal fat may be healthier than vegetable fat. But then, fat contains 9 times more calories (per weight) than carbohydrates. So, I am sure low-carb is not going to help reduce obesity.

[Chamin]

Dont eat anything your grandfather cant recongnize.

Vaibhav,

This is the best dietary instruction I ever read! Thanks a lot!!

[Christyn Rana]

i ticked 4 out of 5 of the dangerous foods listed in reverse order of horror. im dangerous man! At last I'm somthing like cool. maybe. I once broke a school rule. the school rule stated ''no student to be found in the school canteen during class hours.''

[TS]

Dont eat anything your grandfather can't recognise.
that advise will only work for a few more years...

[Ellie]

"Don't eat anything at one sitting which you cannot lift"
-- Miss Piggy

[black masquerade]

Despite the usual sense of wit, I am slightly disappointed with this post as it is evidently something borrowed heavily from the health section of Yahoo! articles. Condolences to the originality of the Curious Diary of Mr Jam.

[Vernette]

Well according to Jamie Oliver, home cooked food is always healthier. So I'm just going to try and cook the top 5 at home, I'm they'll at least be 50% healthier if I cooked them at home ;-p

[choco]

I heard the radio feature about this column on Saturday. I'm not sure how you manage to get away with being so sexist but some how you do. I think because it is so true. I know that if I eat a one pound box of chocolate i will be at least two pounds heavier.

[Kingofhearts 4711]

Lechon Cebu. Best vein blocker ever.

[Minkha]

You made me so hungry now... Got to have some chocolate:( I agree - 100g makes you a pound heavier :(