Why Asian hits never go global

The main reason is that the music is crap, and the lyrics are worse

MOST PEOPLE KNOW karaoke is painful. But did you know it can be fatal? Today, boys and girls, we will look at the topic of music in Asia.

An in-depth survey by yours truly shows that there have been scores of deaths at sing-it-yourself bars, particularly in Asia. Sometimes fights are triggered by audience comments about amateurish singing (what do they expect at a karaoke venue? Pavarotti?).

Or disputes break out when one singer hogs the microphone for too long – and five seconds is too long if my former boss is performing.

Then there are the technical glitches. There have been at least four deaths in Vietnam alone in which a karaoke performer puts an ill-wired mike to his lips, leans against the speaker and goes out with a bang—literally. POW!

Karaoke deaths are also common in the Philippines, but not due to bad wiring. In one unfortunate incident in a town north of Manila, listeners criticized a singer for being off-key.

Bad idea.

The singer and his friends turned out to be heavily armed agents from the Philippines National Bureau of Investigation. They drew their guns.

Bad idea Number 2.

The hecklers turned out to be heavily armed police officers.

There were numerous deaths in the ensuing shoot-out. And it was al l over a few duff notes in My Way.

*
The deadly underside of karaoke is worrying, considering its prevalence in Asia. One Singapore hotel installed karaoke equipment in each guestroom. The Royal Dokmaideng Hotel in Vientiane, Laos, boasts in brochures about its 16 karaoke fun rooms: “Yell your joyfulness. Seek the spiritual communication.”

Sometimes karaoke kills by sheer excitement. The present writer watched a Hong Kong politician sing Unchained Melody, better known in Asia as the theme from the movie Ghost, in a large ballroom.

We held our breath as he strained for the high note close to the end of the song: “Are you still MINE? I NEEEEEEEEEED your love.”

He finished singing.

We applauded.

He dropped dead.

Or to put it another way, he yelled his joyfulness and found spiritual communication.

(One of the few Asian singers to go global, above is William Hung’s album cover—and below you can hear his performances)
*
Five actual names of Japanese pop music bands:

1.) Bump of Chicken;

2.) Dog Hairdressers;

3.) The Pees;

4.) Elephant Kashimashi; and

5.) Super Butter Dog.

*

Quiz: What Asian language are the following phrases from?

“Fallin’ in lurve,” “Breakin’ my heart” and “Kiss me, baby.”

They sound English, but they are popular English clichés used in vernacular pop songs throughout Asia.

In South Korea, bands jump seamlessly between English and Korean, such as in T.T. Ma’s Wanna Be Loved: “Hear me now, hanguhleum da gawa nal aeajwo nae jinshimeul,” which means, “Hear me now, take a step closer and embrace me and my truth.”

The good news is that anglicized Asian pop still retains a delightful charm all its own. For example, top Japanese boy band Glay’s Kissin’ Noise goes like this:

“I and love don’t kiss me noisy love don’t kiss me only you don’t kiss me lost my love.”

As you can see, it has lots of nice English poppy sort of words scattered around, but no meaning at all.

Their countrymen, The Pees, have released a thoughtful song called Brain:

“I want to throw my brain of a half, I want to throw my brain of a half, wanna throw it away, wanna throw it away, wanna throw it away, wanna throw it away.”

This, for me, is on a par with the greatest lyrics of the Spice Girls:

“I wanna huh I wanna huh I wanna huh I wanna huh I wanna really really really really zig-a-zig-ah.”

Yes, the heirs of Cole Porter are refining their skills.
*

RELATED ITEMS:

How to write an international pop hit

World’s worst songs

World’s worst lyrics

Worst lyrics from international stars

The sad song of the single eyelid girl
*
*
*
UNRELATED ITEM
Apologies to newspaper readers for my continued absence. I STILL haven’t told the editors of the various newspapers that I am back at my desk. I finished one book and sent it off to the publisher, but I have a couple more in progress, and I also have an audiobook (with the help of a well-known actor) coming out soon. Watch this space! But I will get back to regular columns in the press soon, promise…

Comments

[Ram]

Instead of sending military troops to look for Osama bin laden and others hiding, They can send a big troop of Asian Karaoke Singers. I think the terrorists will run out to surrender or die inside their hide-outs in a short period of time.

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

When I was small, I thought Americans love children a real lot

..... because, so many songs contained the word "Baby".

[Andreas]

Karaokes are more popular in Asia than in Western countries, kinda odd isn't it?

[sej]

This woman should have gone to Karaoke... she would have been able to put up with the child yelling the whole flight, no dramas!

http://www.metro.co.uk/news/836331-undisclosed-payout-for-tourist-after-child-makes-ears-bleed-on-flight

[farah]

let's not forget that this also a scouting place for potential divas or singers like justin bieber to sing songs titled 'baby'.

[TS]

When we lived in Singapore, a guy a few floors up had karaoke as a hobby.
His katzenjammer would flood down through an air shaft into our apartment through the bathroom window.
After a few minutes of this racket, we would both go into the bathroom and start howling like wolves.
He got the message...

Back in 1981 in the Swedish band Caramba released a full album of nonsense songs.
The story back then was that a music producer thought that pop music lyrics had gotten so stupid that you might as well use meaningless sounds.
He was right, the song 'Hubba Hubba Zoot Zoot' became a major hit in Scandinavia.
A few years back it became a YouTube hit when somebody made a mishmash with the song and an anime.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYz9dMhN7Gw

[TS]

...and I also have an audiobook (with the help of a well-known actor) coming out soon...

Crossing fingers closing eyes, chanting "William Shatner William Shatner William Shatner William Shatner William Shatner William Shatner"

Feng Shui... the Final Frontier. These are the adventures of FC Wong. His n-year mission: to explore strange new cultures; to seek out more money and new mysteries; to boldly go where no South Eastern man has gone before.

[Christyn Rana]

''i'm so obsessed my heart is bound to beat right out of my untrimmed chest i believe in you like a virgin you're madonna and i'm always gona blow your mind''. - Train, ''hey soul sister''

by the way, their first line went ''your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains...'' something i expect from a doctor-turned-lyricist-might-become-coroner-next.

My Nepal has its own home-grown talents too. We've got Nima Rumba. One of this earlier songs was called block-heeled shoes which is titled block hill on youtube and we nepalese always have issues with pronouncing SH so here nima rumba sings block heel suuz. I'd love to let you hear but it's in nepalese. I can translate a line or two. My nepali sounds like a chicken clawing the pot. (as my grandma puts it)

Translated :-
''above that block heel shoes wearing bell bottom pants in red comes in my dreams oooo that girl.she stole my heart with her beauty. i see her always on new road, restaurant and disco. her words stole my heart. her long hair touches her hips and she gives me blackmagic with her kohl-lined eyes. she killed me oooo she killed me oh god her beauty killed me.''

[Paul]

Did someone say karaoke? Did someone else say William Shatner? ;-)

[TS]

Paul, indeed someone did: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXWEM4gZhg4

[Angela]

Kirk and Spock, are they like Denny Crane and Alan Shore in Boston Legal? I only watched that show for William Shatner.

[kartini]

@TS, I'm impressed. That Hubba Hubba Zoot Zoot is totally better than this Total Eclipse of the Heart:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj-x9ygQEGA