Inmates take over the asylum

  
Crazy commenter Lift Lurker grabs control of Mr Jam’s column

FREQUENT READERS of Mr Jam's website know my passion for Lifts, (writes Lift Lurker). 

I love Lifts and they love me back.  But I am also passionate about airplanes.  I want a world free from this mechanical menace.

My distrust of planes is rational. Academics have shown that the primary reason why people die from a plane crash is because they were in the plane that crashed. 

The secondary cause is being in the path of the plummeting plane.  So long as you keep away from these two causes, you stand a better chance at going through life's colorful experiences: cardiac arrests, aneurysms, metastasis, and dementia.

(Fardel’s airport?)

Most machines can be used for war and destruction.  In complete contrast, Lifts are the most benevolent of machines, totally useless for warlike behavior. 

Imagine if during the Cold War, the Kremlin made this menacing threat to the West:

"We have completed our massive build-up of elevators.  We can now move 30 Soviet Army divisions from the ground floor in Moscow to the 3rd floor, also in Moscow, and then back to the ground floor, all in under one hour." 

Newspaper headlines in the West the next day would be screaming: “Fashion Model Twiggy Has New Hair Style!”.

Consistent with their benevolent nature, Lifts are the safest means of transport.  You do not hear of Lifts disappearing en route to their destination, or of Lift cabins making unplanned landings in a different building.  The biggest danger you face is being trapped for several hours away from a toilet, with a camera aimed square at you 24/7, manned by very, very bored staff.  But you will survive that.

Should you fail to hold it in, we in the Lift industry have a program called Embarrassing Disaster Victim Protection Program.  If such a disaster befalls you, we simply set you up with a new identity.  It's a secret program. Now that I have told you, I shall have to kill you.

But if you ride planes, things will sort themselves eventually.

What is supposed to keep a plane up in the air?  Well, air.  The same substance that works remarkably well at stopping your coins, spoons, wine glasses, and television sets from hitting the ground when you drop them. 

But Lifts obey the first rule of gravity management — if you don't want a thing to fall down,  make sure something is holding it up (like a steel cable, or anything with higher tensile strength than oxygen).

Why don't they design planes so that if it suffered a fatal malfunction,  it will automatically zoom straight into outer space, rather than fall awkwardly on innocent people below (the passengers are doomed anyway, whether they are sent up or sent down). 

"First, do no harm" is good manners.  "Do as much harm as possible"  is simply not.

Sending the ill-fated passengers out to space makes it easier for their loved ones, too.  They can point to the stars and say: "I know they're out there somewhere in the cosmos, having champagne, watching a movie, enjoying radio signals from decades past, or perhaps living among a beneficent alien race who picked them up. 

Surely that is why the aliens have been experimenting with cows, to provide milk for rescued humans?"  How much better to think of them that way than the horrid: "burnt to a crisp".

We really do not know what Wilbur and Orville were thinking when they came up with the idea.  All I can be certain is they were slightly insane and heavily intoxicated (perhaps vice-versa). 

That fateful night must have went something like this:

Wilbur (pointing at a large drum filled with gasoline): I bet you I can make that thing fly through the air.

Orville: Well, I bet I can make people sit on it while it flies.

Wilbur: And  I bet I can make them pay us to sit on the thing while it flies.

Orville:  And what should we call the damn thing?  Flying Drums of Burning Death?

Wilbur: How about Air Flames?
*
Next time you're in a plane and you hear the captain command: "Space!Space! Space!" instead of "Brace! Brace! Brace!", let's hope you're not lactose intolerant.
*

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NOTE FROM WEBMASTER… The above column was written by Lift Lurker, whose comments normally appear below.

I decided to let him hack into this site and take over the main space because Mr Jam has not emerged from his den this morning. Actually, I’ve had editors on the phone for days wandering where he is. Mr J has apparently written 45,000 words of THE BOOK OF JAM (or whatever it is going to be called) and does not want to be disturbed as he ploughs ahead with the rest of it. Good luck to him.

Comments

[Nury]

Not quite sure how to react to the above, except to say that I know quite a few people who are completely insane, and Lift Lurker is one of the most pleasant.
LL, you deserve an award for consistency!

For anyone who wants other views on the subject, there are some good ideas in the main post and the comments on the two links below:

http://mrjam.typepad.com/diary/2010/04/elevator-etiquette-part-1.html

http://mrjam.typepad.com/diary/2010/04/lift-etiquette-2-survey-results.html

In the meantime, most of the newspaper editors have actually found me by now (contrary to the claim of Webmaster above) and I will be getting back to a more normal schedule shortly...

By the way, fardel, that's not really your airport in the picture above, is it?

[A different lurker]

Where can I get a Lift Lurker T shirt like that one above??

[Paul]

Go Team Lift! ;-)

[grandpa aka faye Libad aka fardel]

Uncle
No it is not.
But you should know by now that we, in the aviation industry can do anything to please our customers.
As it shows on this picture,our two customers wanted to be landed right on the beach for their honeymoon.
The sand being too soft the propellers did not like it too much.
But do not worry , this airplane will be back in the air in no time at all

[Vaibhav Chadha]

That Fardel... is a scary thought.

[grandpa aka faye Libad aka fardel]

4 We , in the aviation industry, give you the leisure to walk along the alley
THE LIFT/ELEVATOR INDUSTRY DOES NOT:
Where is the alley?

5 We, in the aviation industry ,provide you with amenities called bathroom:If you have an emergency need like gas , you can go there, just by yourself
THE LIFT/ELEVATOR INDUSTRY DOES NOT:
You share your gas with your feloow traveller ( or is it tha way around)
As a matter of fact an elevator is a gas chamber.

6 We, in the aviation industry, provide our customers with the most beautiful vista, through small windows ( to protect you from falling off)

The lift/elevator industry does not:

when you get in one of those boxes , you never know WHEN or WHERE or IF, you will get out

7 We, in the aviation industry, provide our customers with the most beautiful assistant called Stewards or stewardesses

The lift/elevator industry does not:
A military styled bodyguard push

[grandpa aka faye Libad aka fardel]

8 We , in the Aviation industry, provide you with a choice of meat or fish served by the above mentioned sexy flight attendants

The lift/elevator industry does not:
If you get in on an empty belly , you get out ,starving ( IF you do get out)

9 We , in the aviation Industry ,provide you with your own personalized sound system

The lift/elevator industry does not:
The same soporific music plays day after day after day after day ,
As a matter of fact , the only way for you to know where you are on the planet is by sound recognition

10 We in the aviation industry , provide you with information related to your travel situation
Our experienced , over trained drivers are called pilots;
They tell you , in a nice voice, when you are going to take off , at what time you will arrive and the weather at your destination

THE LIFT/ELEVATOR INDUSTRY DOES NOT:
where is the driver ?
where is the destination

[grandpa aka faye Libad aka fardel]

11 At the end of your trip , our abovementioned flight attendants ask you if you had a pleasant trip , hoping to see you again
THE LIFT/ELEVATOR INDUSTRY DOES NOT:
They do not give a s...... if you come back or not.

Readers beware
This lift Lurker comes out of nowhere
we have no pictuer of him
No address
He tells you that you the only safe way to fly is in one of those windowless, alleyless,tin cans

Nobody know his identity
Nobody knows where he is from

Reader beware
He is an ALIEN,

Ready to snatch you in a gas chamber , putting you to sleep with a sopoici music
ready to send you to another galaxy:

It is all there in plain letters

You will find it on lines 38 of his comments:
"It will zoom straight out to space......."
He insists with the benefits on line 43
"sending the passengers out ot space makes it easier for their loved ones, too"

So , my beloved readers,beware
If ,in your city , people start disappearing , you will know what happened

For those who did not know

OTIS : Offloading Travellers Into Space

Before you open the trap door next time
Beware
Use the stair!!

[grandpa aka faye Libad aka fardel]

Sorry guys and girls
the webmaster did not like my first lines
I was censored
Here we try again after the third time
sigh
"This is unfair
These colums are jammed with ......

Here comes a guy , who cannot see further than his windowless sliding box, making ridiculous comments about the most beautiful way to move from one place to the next.
He is taking over those formerly funny columns by inspiring fear to travellers

I have to make a formal complaints ot the IATA, the Ignorant and Afraid Transportated Asso' sciation

In defense of the most brilliant Industry in the whole universe I have to state.

1 The world is not limited to up and downs ( except finances and health) .
We all know too well where it takes us when things go wrong ... to the ground and under it

We,in the Aviation Industry are the only transporters which can take you up AND down AND smoothly AND forward AND in style.

THE LIFT/ELEVATOR INDUSTRY DOES NOT:
You have one choice:
up OR down

2 We, in the aviation industry, provide our customers with comfortable seats
THE LIFT/ELEVATOR INDUSTRY DOES NOT:
You stand up all the time

3 We, in the aviation industry, give you space , for your legs ,for your elbows
THE LIFT/ELEVATOR INDUSTRY DOES NOT:
Your legs stay where they are :under your body
Your elbow stays where they are stuck close to your body ( there is nowhere else to put them :the sardine , packed next to you prevents you from moving)

[grandpa aka faye Libad aka fardel]

@Lift Lurker
No offence intended.......
to everybody By the way
The webmaster allows you to refer to the cow's male as an animal with four letters only( no point behind )
But you cannot talk about the donkey in four letters

sigh.

[Lift Lurker]

This lift Lurker comes out of nowhere

Grandpa! Why you disown me? I am from loins of your loins!

My passion for Lift come from your passion for planes!

The (borderline) insanity I proudly carry come from your side of family! (accdg to granma).

I cannot reveal my true identity because it violate my Protection Program EULA.

But I hope you like my suit. It's Italian. Close to France border so can be considered French too.

[Christyn Rana]

Who wants a piece of Nepal aviation? Anyone? No one? Ok so Nepal has the safest aviation industry. There hasn't been a single death reported like when SARS broke out there wasn't a single report of SARS in Nepal (ran out of funds for stationery so we went to our gods and they saved us as we stared at them and they stared back at us. Without blinking). We really do have crash-proof aviation. Our airport, sometimes, ''closes'' in other words, goes on strikes, therefore we haven't gotten a chance to make a crash since our planes don't really leave the airport. We do have planes. more than one i'm sure.

[mike]

I thought everyone would enjoy this clip from LA Law in honor of Lift Lurker.

One of the more interesting ways to kill off a character.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ov7aTXqMKfY

[Lift Lurker]

mike, did you really mean "everyone would enjoy?!?"

Each time a TV character dies in Lift accident, there is a Lift fairy somewhere that fall down dead.

[Mike]

Due to how safe elevators are, there is an overabundance of lift fairies. Now car fairies? You can't even find one that will fly anywhere near California.

[Karuna aka Kaye Moreno]

planes being sucked into outer space !!!!

This alien who lurks in lifts, has clearly planned well his evil mission for galactic domination.

[Mike]

Lift Lurker,I have a lift riddle. Can you answer without googling?

Why do some people press lift buttons with their fingers while others use their thumbs?

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

I got my first "Lift Shock" when I took my first lift ride in Singapore. The lift belonged to a somewhat old apartment.

It had a sign inside, that said "Urine Detector Installed" :-o

(Not sure if Lift Lurker likes this idea)

[Lift Lurker]

I do not know mike, sorry.

People can be strange. That sound like sociology question more than Lift question.

I always use my Victorinox Lift button presser gadget, or the back end of my fountain pen to press button if I forget my army knife.

[Angela]

During SARS period in Singapore, lift riders use their big toe, elbow, knee, tip of an umbrella, etc. to press the lift button.

[Ram]

@Christyn...

"We really do have crash-proof aviation"

Oh oh... Just today there was a crash and all the people on board seem to be dead...
http://in.news.yahoo.com/43/20100824/876/twl-all-14-on-board-feared-dead-in-nepal_1.html

[Christyn Rana]

Ram hmm... i feel like a prophet now. RIP to the victims. Nepal is immune to insurance.

[Christyn Rana]

hmmm again... we lost our title. There was a crash before this too. Wait, you mean we're not crash-proof! That was the only thing I was going to be proud of besides the wai wai noodle not made in Nepal. Oh well, I was trying to squeeze a little limelight onto Nepal for other reasons than maoists, strikes, too many religious holidays, pressure cooker bomb (outdated) and lawlessness. Looks like we are unique. I'm going to sing a different tune regarding plane crashes. Here goes, our planes sometimes leave the ground and when they do leave the ground we hope it lands the way it takes off.

[fardel]

Too much praying raises the ground in front of airplanes

[Vernette]

"We have completed our massive build-up of elevators. We can now move 30 Soviet Army divisions from the ground floor in Moscow to the 3rd floor, also in Moscow, and then back to the ground floor, all in under one hour."

We used to joke about the ban of nail clippers on board flights... "Don't move!! I'm taking over the plane!!! you must do as I say or... or... I'll make sure that all you fingernails are clipped!!!"

Lifts are so much better, we don't need to take off our shoes, go through searches and scanners before we can board, we can bring almost anything into a lift, as long as it's not too big/heavy :) Also, we have control in lifts, though not all the time but I do enjoy the big buttons (O they are soooo much bigger than most the other buttons)

[mike]

The answer to the riddle is.....to make the lift move.

Yes I know ....Groan

[mike]

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/elevator.asp

According to Snopes there are 30 deaths a year in the US due to elevators.

http://www.usatoday.com/travel/flights/2009-01-11-airlinesafety_N.htm

According to the USA Today there were no fatalties in the US for the last two years recorded due to airplanes.

I would suspect that elevators carry far more people far more many miles. But perhaps elevators are not as safe as Lift Lurker lets on.

[Chamin]

The Sri Lankan Airlines went accident free (although late) for many years. The terrorists did not like the reputation, so they attacked the airport and blew up 11 of them while on the ground. Luckily, none had passengers.

[grandpa aka Faye Libad aka fardel]

Thank you guys to side with me.
i may sound insistent about aviation safety.
This is the result of excellence from millions of hard working aviation staff.
There is still room for improvement , but this safety records is an achievement.

As for elevators , I think that it is too dangerous for a box which can go only in only two directions.

[Vernette]

hmm... anyone seen NatGeo's Air Crash Investigations? Not seen a "Lift Crash Investigation" yet though...

[Lift Lurker]

Mike, sometimes it seem that Lifts are perfect, but they are not.

Most Lift related deaths are to people who install the Lifts. They do everything possible to make it safe. Even sacrifice their life.
When passengers die in Lift it is mostly due to riding Lift that is not there (they try to ride on air, just like planes).

It is good there is no plane fatality in US for past two years. You must make sure to book flight scheduled for the past 2 years ago.

@Grandpa and all. I want to make it clear that I think planes are very safe form of transportation.

Second place, but very safe. I encourage all to ride planes once in their life.

[Vernette]

At least both are safer than traveling in a car...

(I had to pause a few times to finish watching this)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z3qdr0o-Tkw

Air Disasters Time line
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-10785301

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

Vernette,

4 years ago, Japan had a very long "lift crash investigation". There was one accident in a Schindler lift, and this was followied by a thorough check of all Schindler lifts on Japan. The media made too much noise, and a few of my friends used staircases to climb 7 floors until the investigations finished :o)

Not me, lifts are much safer than roads.

[Dancer Arroyo]

Watching a palmistry program on TV recently, I was very surprised that some people are destined to have a career to be an 'elevator girl' (or boy, although I have never seen one before) if you have a squiggly bit of line near the bottom of your palm. Do you have one, Lift Lurker?

I was so curious that I ran over to my local Japanese department store and tried to peek at the elevator girl's hands. Too bad they wore gloves. Actual, Fardel, they are usually very very pretty, not unlike the stewardesses.

[Lift Lurker]

That is so great news Dancer.

It means natural selection (evolution) is finally recognize that Lift is important to civilization. Evolution is making sure we identify the right people to work this honorable profession.

[Chamin]

Agree about the elevator girls. Much prettier, with cuter voices and really nice smiles :o)

[grandpa]

Today was a big day to me.
i experienced being inside the jet engine of an airplane , or maybe insid ethe booster of a Saturn 5 rocket( with sound ,vibrations , shacking and all) while travelling from 6th floor to ground floor of my 3-star hotel.
It ended wit a lous thud n bomp, boof when we reached the floor.
Any airplane driver caught handling his jet like this on landing would be fired...

[Lift Lurker]

That Lift is in honor of Wernher von Braun. The greatest Lift engineer (but not divine like Elisha Otis). Von Braun was experimenting with Lifts without cables.

Any airplane driver caught handling his jet like this on landing would be fired...

You mean because they are not allowed to leave survivors?

grandpa, what are you doing in Brussels Sprouts? Did you get kidnap? (Why wll anyone go there voluntarily). If you need help, just wink 3 times at Lift camera with your left eye and we will rescue you. (But you have to stay away from flight attendants forever)

[grandpa]

Elevators are soooo perfecct..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lRefZf3gj74&feature=related