How to eat out in Singlish

 
Angela Sias shares the sort of conversation that happens every day

WHATEVER IS happening in the rest of the world, the Asian economy is still having a boom time, the Straits Times screams on the front page (writes Angela Sias). News headlines proclaim that Thailand is having a tourism “boom”—it must be the echo of the CentralWorld Mall explosion. And Malaysia is experiencing strong export growth—of course, just look at the amount of contraband cigarettes they smuggle to Singapore.

Maybe I just don’t believe in newspaper headlines. But I do believe in what I see happening in my neighborhood. And today my rojak vendor was overly generous with his spices.

I ordered a plate of this fresh fruit salad topped with sweet peanut sauce.

If you ever find yourself hungry in Singapore and prowling the hawker center, this will be your quick guide to ordering food the Singlish way.

Me: Uncle, one rojak, two dollars, no chili, eating here.

Uncle: One rojak hor?! [Editor’s note: “hor” is an ending particle with not much meaning, a bit like the way English speakers end sentences with “eh?”]

Me: One rojak.

Uncle: Two dollars hor?!

Me: Two dollars.

Uncle: No chili hor?!

Me: No chili.

Uncle: Eating here?

Me: Eating here.

While Uncle was vigorously mixing the peanut sauce and cutting up the fruits, I went to the drinks stall and ordered iced lemon tea.

When I came back my rojak was ready.
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It was not peak hours yet so I immediately found an empty table and sat down to enjoy my afternoon snack while bearded old men openly ogle me between sips of Tiger beer, blowing clouds of cigarette smoke into the humid air.

My first bite of the pineapple slice set my tongue on fire.

I dipped two fingers in my drink and fished out an ice cube to apply as first aid on my third degree burned taste buds.

For a fraction of a nanosecond I contemplated going back to the rojak stall to complain but I quickly realized that the rojak Uncle was probably so pumped up by news of rebounding economy that he threw in a cupful of chili padi, free of charge, as a treat to me. 

And I would feel petty bursting a blood vessel over a $$2 plate of fruit salad.

So as a protest against his insubordination and blatant disregard of my order specification, I finished the whole rojak and licked my plate clean.

Take that, you chili bully!

I felt like Rosa Parks when she refused to give up her seat.

I felt like Gandhi in the Salt March.

But most of all, I felt like I needed to call the paramedics.

My tongue is now undergoing skin graft from my elbow but I will be back for another plate of rojak soon.
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THANKS, ANGELA  today and Lift Lurker earlier this week, for sending in your work while I have been hiding away working on books (writes Mr Jam).

I will be back to doing between three and five new posts a week from next Monday. You guys have been brilliant during the summer,  particularly in the “re-edited film titles” game, which was pure genius.

I really liked your Singapore slang in the story above, Angela, especially since you were not born there, and have picked it up.

Here’s a piece I wrote for The Standard a while ago, also on the subject of ordering food in Asia.
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HOW TO SPEAK ENGLASIAN

MY FRIEND’S DAUGHTER works in a fast food shop in Hong Kong. I watched her and her friends in action the other day.

The weird thing is that the staff can communicate perfectly well in English with anyone from Hong Kong, South Asia, East Asia, or pretty much any other part of the region.

But when a fresh-off-the-boat tourist enters the restaurant, communication gets difficult. Monolingual English speakers from America, for example, “hear” Asian-English words differently.

Fast food server: Harlowelcumkaneye L. pyoo?

Customer: What?

Fast food server: Harlowelcumkaneye L. pyoo?

Customer: Er, yes, I’d like one cheeseburger please.

Fast food server: Dull Swiss wit Baygon?

Customer: Excuse me?

Fast food server: Dull Swiss wit Baygon?

Customer: Oh, no, I don’t want a double-Swiss with Baygon, I mean bacon. I just want a normal cheeseburger.

Fast food server: Humbugger wit jees. Setter Al Eckart?

Customer: Pardon me?

Fast food server: Setter Al Eckart?

Customer: Ah, got it. A La carte, please.

Fast food server: One-for-rice wee tat?

Customer: No, I don’t want rice, thank you very much.

Fast food server: One-for-rice wee tat!

Customer: Oh, yes, please, I want fries with that.

Fast food server: Smormy dyumludj?

Customer: I’m sorry, would you mind…?

Fast food server: Smormy dyumludj. U juan smor, me, dyum, ludj?

Customer: Medium.

Fast food server: Ad too duller soup a size.

Customer: What?

Fast food server: Ad too duller soup a size.

Customer: Not supersized, thanks. I’m fat enough already, ha ha!

Fast food server: Wad rink u juan?

Customer: Fresh orange juice, please.

Fast food server: Fray soringe ad too duller. Chippa u buy set.

Customer: Okay, gimme a set.

Fast food server: Wit set you juan?

Customer: Cheeseburger.

Fast food server: Dull Swiss wit Baygon set?

Customer: Excuse me?

Fast food server: You juan dull Swiss wit Baygon set?

Customer: No, I don’t want – actually, maybe I do want Baygon. At least it would kill my appetite.

How come Asians can communicate with other Asians using this bare-bones English, while tourists struggle with it? Because English is really a whole group of languages. A tourist who speaks only “the Queen’s English” limits himself to communicating with speakers of that dialect. But if you speak Asian English—which I propose we call Englasian—you end up with a language the majority of people on Earth can understand.

In fact, I reckon we should train the Queen of England to speak it. I can just picture her on her next tour of Asia stepping off the Royal yacht and saying: “We are most amused to be here. My husband and I would like to say harlowelkumkanwee L. pyoo.”
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Technorati Tags: Singlish,singaporean english

Comments

[Vernette]

O Singlish is so much easier to understand compared to HK/PRC English! I have never ever heard English that sounds exactly like Cantonese or Mandarin until I came to work in Macau & HK. Also, Hong Kongers can speak Mandarin that sounds exactly like Cantonese!!

That's why I feel like an Alien and some of my friends call me "gweipoh" (a white lady)...

[Paul]

Congrats to Angela on a fine job of filling in for Uncle N. I guess this now makes you Angie-Jam ;-)

...or perhaps, given the the stall owners actions the Mistress of Spice. ;-)

[Karuna aka Kaye Moreno]

thank's for editor's note about "hor". Initially thought it was short for "coug-hor" !!!
:)

[Angela]

LOL..ok lah! The coug-hor diary needs to be updated. Should be in another column.

[Christyn Rana]

Uncle Nury check out Baberella Posh Beckham from Singapore. She does ''Noose'' , a show that indirectly hilarious and checkout the BPB's accent. She's a fantastic one!

Oh and then there is ex-Miss Singapore Ris Low dethroned for credit card fraud. Poor girl can hardly pronounce all that accusations properly so anyone should forgive her for stumbling to say ''I'm study (pause.. eyes roll up) er Diplomaaa in tourism. She ''boomz''. Here you see it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5F74FZfdSJY

and what singaporean's local funny man did..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UrQfbXPhEI&feature=related

I never get enough of watching these 2 videos one after another. And as if that's not enough baberella posh beckham adds to it.

[grandpa aka faye Libad aka fardel]

Hummm
This Angela character is puzzling me.
Angela ?
Sias?
Christina ?
wave of the town?
grandma?
cougar ?
what other name does she go by?
I did som reseacrh on the internet and I found more precisely her description, in wikipedia:
"........distinctive and highly specialized clad........
..........separately mobile and stereoscopic eyes,
..... very long........ and rapidly extrudable tongue,
....... swaying gait,

....
and the ability ......... to change color.
Uniquely adapted for ....... hunting, they are found ....... in Spain and Portugal, across south Asia, to Sri Lanka,
They were introduced to Hawaii, California and Florida
They are found in warm habitats ....."

Yes that's her alright.
does any reader agrees wit this description?

[Ellie]

Yes,Angela is very intriguing and a very readable writer, she should definitely write more.
not sure how fardel knows that she has a rapidly extrudable tongue. does he know this from experience? He seems to have been everywhere. has he visited her in sinapore?

[fardel]

No comment

[Ram]

@Angela:
On unrelated matter: Do you have some idea about pre-university degrees offered by junior colleges in Singapore? How is the quality of education there? A friend of mine is trying to apply for SIA Youth Scholarship, from the ministry of Singapore.
http://www.moe.gov.sg/education/scholarships/sia/

I have some idea about universities like NUS, Nanyang Technological University... But, not much about pre-university degrees. So, if you have some idea, please let me know.

[Karuna aka Kaye Moreno]

@Ellie
I remember, that once Angela had made a Freudian slip on this matter, which was quickly caught by the others.
May be Fardel can locate the article from the archive

[grandpa aka Faye Libad aka fardel]

i am too old to remember

[grandpa aka Faye Libad aka fardel]

Hey guys and girls
i am about to disappear under buckets full of "EARL' y rain and winds
With nothing to do for the next two days,
i started cooking
I thought that being locked up in my house was a good opportunity to try to make pani puri;
You were right ,Mahjuja, but
The difficult part is not to make them.
The difficult part is to adjust the quantity of peppery stuff for a westerner like me
They did not blow up as much as they do on the video from which I learned , but my head did .
Whow

For your listening pleasure:
from the Caribbean to Asia
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k85X3ZGwYtk&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXqSPJpuDBM

Enjoy

[Angela]

Thanks Ellie!

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Ram, sorry but I don't know much about our universities here. Whatever I know, I learned from dating university professors. I don't think it is the kind of info you are looking for.

Top is NUS followed by SMU. All the rest I don't know.

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What's this talk about my tongue?

I have never received any customer complaint about my tongue. Only compliments.