How men and women differ

  Just the usual sexist crap

SCIENTISTS IN HOLLAND announced that they had for the first time mapped the complete DNA of a woman. The DNA of the human male was mapped in 2001, and boffins have also done a number of lesser beasts, such as the dog, the bear, the E. Coli bacterium, the mouse, the fruit fly, and finally, last and definitely least, the human female.

“Humanity will at last be able to conclusively identify genetic differences between men and women,” a spokesman said.

As usual, scientists have taken years to discover what the rest of us already know.

For example, I know from personal experience that men are genetically programmed to have no opinions whatsoever about the colour of curtains. I have spent years strenuously attempting to have an opinion on the subject, but it is simply not possible.

Unfortunately, women are genetically programmed to not notice that men have no opinion on this topic, and will ask their partners for one repeatedly throughout their lifetimes.

When I am on my deathbed, my wife will ask: “So: what color curtains do you want at the crematorium?”

And my last words will be, “Er. Ah. Um. I don’t know. Uh, white?”

“White? Are you CRAZY? What about all the soot? You’ll get your ashes all over them.”
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And I have another example of gender-specific programming, too:

If a man puts something down and then cannot find it, he is genetically programmed not to look for it but to ask the nearest woman where it is. She will then find that it is exactly where he left it and she will hand it to him.

It’s a kind of comforting ritual. My wife and I go through it at least once a day.
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There are also genetic differences in shopping, reader Sara Wan said. Men buy things according to how many unnecessary functions they have, which is why the world now has Internet-connected refrigerators and Bluetooth-enabled rice-cookers.

“If we could calculate just how much money is wasted by men buying gadgets with functions they never use, we’d probably have enough to solve all the world’s problems,” she said. Good idea, Sara. I’ll see if I can find a gadget with that function for you.
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A reader who did not want her name used said: “I am a married woman. My husband has several functions he does not use.”

Moving right along, a gentleman named Dan said he had seen statistics which said that married men live longer than single men. This could be true. Or maybe it just feels like it.
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Men and women also have very different body-clocks. This can easily be proved by observation of The Midnight Conversation, which I’m sure all couples have.

Him: Zzzz.

Her: Do you think we have enough quality time, I mean, as a couple?

Him: Zzzz.

Her: I mean, when was the last time we really talked?

Him: Zzzz.

Her: We don’t talk enough.

Him: You do.

Her: What did you say?

Him: Nothing. Zzzz.
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Anyway, I guess these scientists in Holland may come up with some useful information that guys can use. You know what they say. There are two periods when men don’t understand women: before marriage and after marriage.
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I shall leave the last word to a female reader. “Imagine a world with no men. No crime and lots of fat, happy women.”

And the right color curtains as far as the eye can see.
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ON AN UNRELATED SUBJECT… Thanks for the “welcome back” emails. I feel I am only really half back at the moment, mind you. I am currently negotiating about my return to regular column writing. (The piece above on the female genome originally appeared in a newspaper, so some readers may have seen it before.) I HAVE been doing lots of fresh writing recently, but it’s all lined up for books, instead of publications and websites. I’ll get back on a more regular cycle for the media and this site from September onwards, probably from the 6th. Do send ideas for topics if you have any.

Comments

[tamanna]

“Imagine a world with no men. No crime and lots of fat, happy women.”...that would be wonderful!

[Peter]

Strange ( or maybe not strange ) you mention curtains. We recently completely redecorated our flat - I mean COMPLETELY even down to tiles and floors. I did have a view on every item - if/when asked - but when it came to curtains I suddenly turned off and had zero view. After all - curtains are only used when one is asleep and cannot see them !

[fardel]

<>

This cannot be
They would kill each other for a picture of a man.

<>
I have an idea but it is a whole story in itself.
It is so big that it would not fit in one day's column

[fardel]

"Imagine a world with no men. No crime and lots of fat, happy women"

This cannot be
They would kill each other for a picture of a man.

"Do send ideas for topics if you have any."
I have an idea but it is a whole story in itself.
It is so big that it would not fit in one day's column

[fiona]

Haha, love this! Esp the example on the man asking the nearest woman to find a thing that he put down and cannot find it. Thats what my dad does.

[Chamin]

In a world with no women, I would find more people to play Mario cart with me :-p.

[TS]

Chamin,
By your standards, I might just be married to the perfect woman :-)

[Lift Lurker]

"Imagine a world with no men. No crime and lots of fat, happy women.”

Women who no longer need to take shower.

No longer need to remove unwanted hair

No need to sport nice hairstyle

No need to dress up nice.

No need to talk like respectable girls.

A world without men will look like a world filled with men.

[TS]

Secrets of women, Lesson One:

Women do not dress up to impress men, women dress up to impress other women.

[Paul]

“If a man puts something down and then cannot find it, he is genetically programmed not to look for it but to ask the nearest woman where it is. She will then find that it is exactly where he left it and she will hand it to him.”

I have found this to be especially true with regard to a man’s foot.

That is to say, if a man puts his foot down, and then cannot find it, and thereupon asks the nearest woman where it is, she will promptly tell him exactly where it is...in his mouth. ;-)

[Lift Lurker]

I think we just discovered one more difference between man and woman.

Woman can easily find things that move around. Like house keys and eyeglasses.

But they cannot find things that do not move around, like streets and towns and cities, even if you give them a map.

I remember some reptile in Jurassic park that also cannot see things that do not move. Maybe there is genetic relationship.

[TS]

I remember some reptile in Jurassic park that also cannot see things that do not move. Maybe there is genetic relationship.

You, my friend, are treading on thin ice there...

[Lift Lurker]

TS, I think I am safe as long as...aiyeee!

SNAP!

CRUNCH!

CHOMP CHOMP MUNCH

SPIT!

THUD...Thud...thud...thump..tmp...t...

[TS]

You moved....

[TS]

Secrets of women, Lesson Two:

The friend of mine, who shared the information with me imparted in lesson one, also gave me another nugget:

Women are only one drink away from a lesbian relationship.

See the problem with this is that it's not actually true, but in my youth I half believed it and repeated this bit to one of my other (desperate friends).
He then spent an unforgettable summer dressed up as a girl buying drinks to other (real) girls in bars and nightclubs, in the hope that they might kiss him.

It wasn't all a waste though because he gave me the information for lesson two:

women are only two drinks away from vomiting on your best dress.

[Angela]

This is terrible.

I am sorry to upset you my friends, but let me set the record straight. Unlike men, women DO NOT need liquid courage, those contained inside a bottle. Only male vermin brains need that.

If you want to get a woman to do something for you, you just have to ask nicely.

But first you have to buy her flowers, a simple rose or orchid if she is like me, no need for expensive fancy bouquet. You can even snip your neighbor's chrysanthemum, just make sure they are not home when you do this. Then you volunteer to vacuum the entire house. Then you sit her down somewhere that both of you can look at the stars and you hold her hand or cuddle her and whisper your most intimate fantasies and ask her if she would be so kind to indulge you. Remember to choose your words carefully because women are delicate creatures and can easily be offended by wrong choice of words. Avoid crass words like..like...like...uh..umm..er.. gosh, I think I do not have any crass word in my vocabulary.

If this still does not work, come back and see me for another prescription.

Signed,
Dr. Love

[Karuna aka Kaye Moreno]

it is true.. girls like flowers..And any kind of flower just will do.

Many many many years ago, my brother send me on an errand to buy flowers and deliver to his then girlfriend. So, off I went to the market on my bicycle. There I bought a nice cauliflower, packed it nicely and delivered it.
Lucky for my brother, the girl had a good sense of humor and it worked. She forgave him and took him back.

[grandpa aka faye Libad aka fardel]

TS
"Women do not dress up to impress men, women dress up to impress other women."
This is not exactly exact.
They dress up to irritate other women.
Next time you guys see a sexy -dressed girl , instead on watching her rear side ( or front side for that matter) look at the non sexy girls watching her rear ( or her front for that matter)
Look at their eyes ( th non sexy ones , you schmuck);
You will see fire.

[Angela]

Male and female brains interpret directions differently. 

I once hosted a birthday party and two of the guests called me to ask for direction from the train station to the house. 

I gave both of them exactly the same instruction.  The girl arrived promptly but the guy got so lost that when he called me again, I had to pass the phone to another male guest to direct him to the house. 

A man can take direction from onother man but not from a woman. And vice versa. 

[Vaibhav Chadha]

You've mentioned curtains but forgotten cushions.
The number of cushions in a couple's household usually outnumber the number of clothes a man has by a factor of 10.
Not to mention the storage space dedicated for cushions.

[Christyn Rana]

There was an eraser on the desk. The only thing on the desk. My brother stood next to it asking for an eraser. I stood in front of his face, rolled my eyes and walked away. He found it.

[Vernette]

O this is soooooo true about the curtains and men trying to find something --- my husband is a living proof.

@Fardel
Women dress up to irritate other women -- you only got half of it right:
Women dress up to irritate other women to make themselves feel good.

@Angela
Men don't ask for directions, therefore
1. never knew how to follow direction AND
2. don't know how to give directions -- personal experience!

[Lia]

"Women do not dress up to impress men, women dress up to impress other women."
This is not exactly exact.
They dress up to irritate other women.

Both are true. Women dress up to impress other women, therefore makes them feel irritated by the fact that they are impressed.

[Dancer Arroyo]

@Karuna

'it is true.. girls like flowers..And any kind of flower just will do.'

This was almost the exact advise my friend gave to another friend, who was trying to ask me out on a date. He followed the advise, sending a bouquet to my office on my birthday signed 'www.....' with password 'xxxxx'.

Me, feeling slightly annoyed, logged onto the website but the password didn't work so I didn't know who had sent the flowers so I decided to give up. I figured if someone had bothered to send flowers, that same person should be curious enough to call and ask about it. Sure enough, the call came hours later and me, feeling slightly embarrassed, thanked him gently and said, 'sorry but I'm actually allergic to flowers but thanks for the thought.'

So Karuna, even the most common-sense like advise can still crash and burn.

[grandpa aka faye Libad aka fardel]

"can still crash and burn"
I believe that there are more crashed and burnt hearts every year that there have been crashed and burned airplanes in the History of aviation (including world wars)

"l'homme propose, la femme dispose"

arrgh
Women!