20 Reinvented Movies

Why be predictable? Let’s think of some new ideas for films

THANKS FOR THE great comments—I really had to laugh at the cheeky story of Angela and the mysterious stranger following in his car. Angela, you are one brave mother. Can’t wait for the follow-ups.

This is a rare internet dispatch from London (the place where I am living has no internet connection) so I have to make a special journey to read your comments.

I am staying in a charming little suburb of North London called Muswell Hill. It’s not very sophisticated. When they showed the movie “Conan the Barbarian” here, the local newspaper people obviously thought: “That’s a funny name—and is there a country called Barbaria?”

So they “corrected” the name to “Conrad the Bavarian.”

I was a big fan of fantasy, and guessed what it was meant to be, so I went to the movie – but there was almost no one else there. I guess most cinemagoers in the town thought “Conrad the Bavarian” was a bio-pic about a German tourist or something.

Thinking about this reminded me of a game I used to play with my newspaper column readers.

Rules:

1. Change one letter of a movie title.

2. Think of a new story to match the revised title.

For example, Live and Let Die, the James Bond movie, could become:

Live and Let Dip: A tough swimming pool guard strictly enforces the rules. But then one day he meets someone who changes his attitude forever.

Or how about this:

Pirates of the Caribbean could become Pilates of the Caribbean: A Frenchman on a beautiful island decides to start doing some stretching exercises. He talks about his life on the internet and becomes famous.

Here are some more (thanks, Tom, Pete, Diccon and Bob, readers of a certain newspaper for these):

Dive and Let Die: An evil scuba diver takes his enemies out for a dive and then abandons them by driving off in the boat.

Tonal Recall: European has brain transplant so that he can speak Chinese with the correct tones.

Done with the wind: The end of typhoon season is celebrated.

Empire of the Sum: Biopic of the rise of accountancy firm Ernst and Young.

Germs of Endearment: The story of the rise of AIDS in the 1980s.

Last Mango in Paris: French farmers ban imported fruit from Asia.

Coldfinger: Horror film starring a sadistic proctologist.

You Only Love Twice: Warning film about AIDS.

The Remains of the Bay: movie about the reclamation projects in Hong Kong waters.

FT: Tale of a pink, wrinkled alien.

Top Hun: Biopic of Mongolian warrior Attila.

A Fridge Too Far: Airline staff try to prevent domestic workers from taking heavy appliances as carry-on luggage on planes.

Sleeping with the Enema: A man takes constipation remedies before going to bed with unfortunate results for his linen.

Over to you!

Comments

[Chamin]

Chicken Fun: a rooster decides to run away from the farm he is in and become a comedian

Boy Story: the biography of a celebrity who is no more

Lie Hard: how an ordinary Sri Lankan becomes a cabinet minister

[Minkha]

"Watch me if you can": a family comedy about a naughty toddler who constantly gets his babysitter in trouble

"Fangs of New York": a new TV show about vampires

[TS]

Germinator: A man sent back in time to spread deadly diseases.

Kill Bull: A Matador seeking revenge on a male bovine that gored him.

Throw Mummy of the Train: Billy Crystal takes over the "Mummy" franchise from Brendan Fraser.

When Harry Met Sully: Gay relationship comedy.

Supermon: The Jamaican super hero.

Bambo: Sequel to Bambi A an elite soldier deer with mental traumas from the Vietnam war is pushed too far.

Highlender: The cause of the economic meltdown.

The Right Staff: The story of a company that becomes a success.

James Bond, Dr. Ni: The spy franchise reinvented by Monty Python.

The Dear Hunter: About a lovable game hunter.

The Beer Hunter: Takes place in a bar.

The Lost Starfighter: Last hope of the galaxy can't find his way around.

Rocki: a brain damaged boxer forget how to spell his own name.

If a film becomes a hit, there will soon follow a stream of imitations with titles similar to the original.
Even X-rated films will do this, but the fun here begins when you can release an X-rated movie without changing the title of the film it knocks off (so to speak).

Big: Starring Tom Hunk.
The sequel being, of course: Titanic.

The Full Monty: is so easy and obvious that I shouldn't even use it.

Home Alone and then the pool man comes by...

Three Amigos: When three men love each other and the sequel: Good Fellas.

Hair: Obviously a vintage film.

Moby Dick....

12 Monkeys: Banned in most countries.

Charlie's Angels: Charlie gets it on.

Dirty Harry.

[Angela]

Coca Chanel: Tale of an orphan girl's rise to become the queenpin of French Drug Cartel.

Mend it like Beckham: a taylor's son became famous playing football.

Send it like Beckham: a postman dreams of playing football for his country

A Jingle Man: A man who changed his career to become santa claus after the death of his gay lover

Sax and the city: Adventures of four sax players who likes shopping and clubbing

[Angela]

Cougar updates tomorrow.

[fardel]

Hair
the dream of a lifetime
Starring Nury Vittachi and TS

[mike]

Pump Fiction: A reporter investigates an evil oil company's lies about safety protocols after oil pump disaster.

Schindler's Lift: a pychopath stalks his victims in his apartment building's elevator.

Citizen Vain: The story of a prominent Hollywood plastic surgeon who blackmails his A list clientele after being snubbed at movie premiere.

[Paul]

It’s a Wonderful Lime - A man meets a lime in a bar that claims to be an angel, but everyone knows that limes can’t talk...or can they.

Mr. Smite Goes to Washington - A fellow from a small town decides to go to Washington to make a difference by beating some sense into congress.

Fear Window - The tale of an man who suffers from defenestraphobia, who gets transferred to the window washing department of the IFC2 building.

[TS]

Oh No! Now I can't stop thinking about this!

The Good, The Bid and The Ugly - Peter Jackson remakes the classic spaghetti western as a kiwi western.

National Lampoon's Vocation - A man feel compelled to become a tourist guide.

Inglorious Basterds - Quentin Tarentino managed to spell one word correctly in the films title.

Cargo - A strange and true story about the stealing of a box from a truck in middle America.

2100: A Space Odyssey - A contemporary remake of a classic science fiction film.

Apollo 14 - A sequel also based on a true story but no one saw it.

Where Eagles Care - A romance starring Clint Eastwood.

More X-rated films with no change of title.

The Big Blue

Bad Boys

The Hard Way

Black Hawk Down

[Angela]

TS has porn movie obsession? Hehehe...

*

To kilo a mockingbird: a tale of descrimination and loss of innocence in meat market in thailand

Men who stare at coats: about gays in the US military forces stationed in the middle east

Despicable Mi: post-war, a Japanese man invented instant noodles laden with MSG. He becomes the most lovable villain.

Sale: Angelina Jolie is a an american spy imbedded in international fashion chain. Her mission is to get the truth about how retailers price discounted merchandise from previous season.

Karate Kim: american boy in north korea learned martial arts from the dear leader. 

South Pork: adult-theme cartoon movie about American teens. Characters are all talking pigs. Banned in the middle east. 

[Lift Lurker]

Very funny posts. TS your post are like open window into your head.

Dank Knight - Batman's adventures before he switch to sweat-absorbent cotton costume.

Schindler's Lisp - frustration of evil man Herman Schindler tell SS where Jews are hiding but they could not understand him.

The Eagle Has Banded - German assassination team discover they have talent in music and forget all about their mission to kill Churchill

[Lift Lurker]

@Angela, coffee shoot out of my nose at your posts!

[TS]

an open window into my head?
Oh no! the surgeon told me it was a steel plate and he certainly didn't mention any hinges that could become unhinged.

In some cases it's not a window but a mirror*. Angela, I didn't make up those titles. It's all in your mind, I'm just the messenger.
I have had the coffee-out-of-my-nose happen too when reading Angela's posts, and that's when I'm drinking tea.

*Awaiting jokes about shiny bald heads.
Oh, fardel have already been there...

Pink Pather, A Shot in the Dork - A film by Nury and TS, about the killing of a bumbling French guy with a penchant for mocking the Jean-Luc Picards and Captain Stubings of this world.

[Lift Lurker]

Steel plate... hmm... steel plate...

Iron Men: the dabbawallas of Bangalore expand business into ironing clothes. Only one burned shirt per 6 million.

[Ellie]

this is laugh out loud funny, well done all

[sej]

Meet the F*ckers: 'nough said;

Gone with the wine: Sej comes across a box of chocolate whilst consuming his favorite beverage;

Crease: A man, sej, forms a love/hate relationship with his ironing board;

Enema of the State: The Story of the New South Wales Labor Party;

Nine to Fire: The story of Bankers during the Global Financial Crisis;

Twits: Two brothers who never knew each other existed, meet on Twitter;

Nothing Hill: The story of an inner London suburb, that has absolutely *nothing* going for it;

TS,

Some more that don't need their name changed:

• Rain Man
• Lord of the Rings
• Up
• Twister
• Despicable Me
• Toy Story
• The Longest Yard
• Nine to Five
• Every Which Way But Loose
• How to Train Your Dragon

Oh... hang on... perhaps that last one is about marriage.

These porn titles seem almost too easy to generate/find... I reckon I could find a dozen more.

[fardel]

Space Jam

no change in the title, but new plot
a gang of international jokers colonize the moon , using a space elevator.
The constitution prohibits seriousness

Starring
Karuna Moreno as the Enginyear
Lift lurker as the designer
Angela as Grandma
Nury as the Guru
Christy as the guru's assistant
Dancer as the Directors of communications
Ram as the Minister of sport and entertainment
Sej director of censosrhip
Mahjuja as troubleshooter
Farah as the wedding planner
fardel as pilot, cook, and grandpa

Jamaica

no change in the title, but new plot
a well known international gang of jokers spends a vacation in a Paradise island

Seven Jamurais

Starring Nury and the gang.

Hav a tar

An giant oil company give away free oil to Americans.It is delivered by the ocean

The panist

The real story behind grandma's cooking

full medal jacket
The story of a legless war hero crumbling under the weight of his medals

The dear hunter

The story of a heart breaker in the city of Singapore

[TS]

Thelma und Louise - The German remake.

Barber Chop - Another version of Sweeney Todd.

Even more filth disguised as mainstream entertainment:

Fire Down Below

Snatch

Man on Fire

Face/Off

The Italian Job

Thelma and Louise

The Big Lebowski

In & Out

Holes

The Firm

The Hitcher

Sin City

The Fly

Nurse Betty

Little Big Man

Quigley Down Under

First Blood

sej got a point, it is almost too easy.

[farah]

lol...TS's list is very wicked!

i always thought sex and the city was a porn before i finally saw an episode. change the middle preposition and it will become one juicy title.

[TS]

An Unconvenient Truth - George W. Bush attempts to convince us that we have missoverestimated the problem of global warming, using his own unique prose.

[Angela]

Cougar update: The grey-haired neighbor did not show up on Friday morning so I have to jog again next week.

*

Here's some new titles:

Gone with the Wing: Epic love story of a many times divorced pilot.

My Hair Lady: A musical comedy about an English professor who falls in love with a Thai transvestite hairdresser.

Pretty Roman: Millionaire businessman falls for a spunky street walker who turned out out to be a male Italian fashion designer.

There's something about Bary: Romantic comedy about a former high school geek who invented organic hair gel and won the heart of his dream girl.

[Angela]

There's something about Bary: Biopic of first African-American President of USA.

If told from the perspective of the first lady, it's a chick flick.

[anonymous coward]

italics end!

[Lift Lurker]

The DIY After Tomorrow - cleanup work and house repairs after the world nearly end.

[Lift Lurker]

Lord of the Wings - chicken wings shootout between two street food vendor

[sej]

Die Bard: School children travel back in time to have their revenge on Shakespeare

Mass Congeniality: An FBI agent goes undercover with the dubwhallas to work out who's throwing chicken wings at them.

[fardel]

@grandma
Your joke was so funny that I fell of my cockpit.
do you have a parachute ?

[Angela]

Pretty Roman stars Donatella Versace.

*

Parachute? I thought you're grounded.

Btw, I am grounded for the weekend due to eye infection. Ok, I got stye and it swelled up my left eyelid so I have to hot compress it and now I look like a pirate of the caribbean and I am in a lot of pain. I am a bitter woman.

[TS]

The Wikings - An epic saga set in Scandinavia a thousand years ago. Narrated by Walter Koenig in character as Pavel Chekov of Star Trek.

Get Kmart - Will Don Wise succeed in his bid to buy out a big discount chain?

[TS]

Angela, I hope you'll be better soon (rather than bitter).

[fardel]

...or a butter woman.

[fardel]

We wwant a picture

[TS]

Forrest Gimp - Pulp Fiction spin-off. The life and times of a lovable leather clad man with the life defining catchphrase: "Life is like a box in a dark basement, you never know when you are going to be let out".

[Chamin]

We STILL want a picture :-p

[Lift Lurker]

Star VARs - financial astute leader take over the rebellion. Recognize that Debt Star is Empire's main source of funding represents tremendous Value At Risk for Empire. Rebellion develop plans to destroy Debt Star and instigate Galactic Financial Crisis.

Sheepless in Seattle - little boy calls late night radio show and talk about his father who think he is sheep and looking for female who also think she is sheep. Meanwhile, boy asks about how best to cook mutton..

[Christy]

The Green B(m)ile

A detailed documentary of the bowel conditions of death-row inmates.

[Lift Lurker]

Attack of the Crones - due to bad static, communication between clone factory in Kamino and Count Dooku have lots of gibberish and the order specs is not very clear. Finally Kamino finished the order and deliver the crone army. Thousands of very very old wizened women. Stormtrooper uniform design has built-in adult diaper for 10 days non-stop fighting.

sej, "Die Bard" is genius.

[Angela]

Sweeping with the Enemy: Julia Roberts is an abused woman who tricked her obsessive husband into going on a mission to clear land mines in vietnam where she got her chance to blow him to pieces and make it look like an accident.

Corn on the fourth of July: Michael Moore film about the commercialization of the American Independence Day Celebration.

Porn on the fourth of July: TS and Sej would like to watch this movie..heheheh..

Behind Enemy Limes: A Navy navigator is shot down over enemy territory, and parachuted into a citrus field.

From Hare to Eternity: An enlisted man refused to box for his unit and was cruelly tormented by his captain. For revenge he had an affair with his superior's wife whom he treated like a rabbit. Rated PG18 for adult content.

[TS]

sej stole the plot for "Die Bard" from the Blackadder special "Back and Forth".

[Andreas]

Hallo, I am new to this wonderful blog, Cheers!

Sigh School Musical
A very sad musical production is being made, too bad the sequals are being rolled out.

TENT
A group of New Yorkers couldn't afford to pay for their tent.

Hound of Music
An Austrian family living in Alps miraculously dicovers the musical talent of their dog and teaches it how to sing.

Lairspray
A semi beast-like girl struggles to enrol in a local audition for a up-coming Sci-Fi TV show.

The Wizard of Ox
A girl starts an adventure in a magical kingdom and later dicovers that her only companion is an ox.

A Tale of Two Pities
A poor traveller in Paris catches himself in a miserable event.

[sej]

TS,

Almost!! I'd totally forgotten about that episode. Maybe subliminal. If I recall correctly, Black Adder kicked Shakespeare, and said "That's for all school children for the next four hundred years!"

[sej]

Actually, here's the clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wE5jB2tl70M

Andreas,

Welcome!

[Ram]

Charlie's Angela - Mr.Charlie, A rich old man meets beautiful Angela and how this encounter progresses....

[Vernette]

O Angela, I'm soooo looking forward to your updates! Hope you got better and hope that your complications hasn't interrupted your jogging schedule...

Still, we demand pictures!! ;-p

[shrynne]

what a great way to start the week..here's some i found.. unfortunately am not as creative as granma and the rest of the gang..

1. Sleepless in the Saddle.

2. Mrs. Congenitality.

3. The Exercisist.

4. The Umpire Strikes Back.

5. Bridget Jones’s Diarrhea.

6. While You Were Slipping.

7. Oh Brothel, Where Art Thou?

8. Risqué Business.

9. Confessions of a Dangerous Mime.

10. The Good Farter.

[TS]

Dye Hard - A fabric salesman desperately trying to satisfy a customer's colour wishes.

Se8en - The Chinese remake where neither the title or the premise of 8 lucky sins worked.

[TS]

Funding Nemo - A fish trying to gather enough money for his son's fin-enhancement operation.

The Thong - Footwear from outer space killing scientists on a remote research station on the south pole.

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

Not exactly on topic, but got an email with a picture of a sign board from a Sri Lankan beach. It was supposed to say "No parking on the beach!". But a part of a letter was missing, and it read

"No Parking on the Testicles!"

[Lift Lurker]

Body of Pies (2008) - hunt for major terrorist operation base in Jordan planning to throw pies at US President.

[Lift Lurker]

Die Hare - rabbit foils international gang of German gangsters.

Miami Rice - two asian vice detective in Florida.

[Angela]

NEW JAMES BOND MOVIES

THUNDERBALD: Agent 007 goes skinhead to track down a villainous criminal who's holding millions hostage on his unfunny jokes.

LICENSE TO KILO: James Bond leaves Her Majesty's Secret Service to stop an evil drug lord who cheated with inaccurate scale.

THE STYMAKER: "The Secret Life of Ian Fleming" follows the exciting life of a dashing young Ian Fleming who always wear sunglasses even at night, to cover an eye infection.

THE HIVING DAYLIGHTS: Bond crosses all seven continents in order to stop the evil Whitaker and General Koskov from taking over global honey supplies.

THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN BUN: Bond is led to believe that he is targeted by the world's most expensive pastry maker.

[Dinu]

why is everything in italics? after reading through the column, i look away and ... my head is inclined...

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

"Mission Impossible?"

An international group of blog-commentators try to get two photos of a lady wearing shorts at different levels of heights :-p

[Hazrul D. Nizam]

Taxi Driver (no change): Lone meter-using Malaysian taxi driver fights prejudice and mocking from his fellow drivers.

[shrynne]

mr Jam--you should check out New Happy Swan restaurant on Fortis Green Road, Muswell hill--it's owned by my friend's folks.. not sure what happened to the old swan, maybe it wasn't happy any more :( but the food is lush..good ol' Malaysian chinese.. mmm

[sej]

The Expandables: A group of middle age men who find it all to easy to put on the kilo's whilst they're trying to overthrow a ruthless dictator.

The Other Guls: The might not be glitziest seagulls, but when they discover a path that leads directly to one the city's biggest potato chip stockpiles, they seize the opportunity to become super-gulls.

Cats and Dags: Cats and dags are natural enemies. Cats are aloof and stylish, dags are... well, they're dags.

[sej]

Angela,

"Golden Bun".... Initially, I thought you were referring to something else...

[Lift Lurker]

Tatanic - most biggest unsunkable ship in the world, made by Tata Group of India.
Ship runs aground and sink when it maneuver to leave port, and hit Sri Lanka.

[TS]

Paws- A rogue dog stalks people in a southern state in USA, putting dirty paw marks on their white suits.

They Love - The earth is being invaded by loving couples, only one person equipped with special sun glasses can see the sinister truth of the love trap, marriage.

Bug Trouble in Little China - Johnny Rico takes his battles against the Arachnids to Chinatown in L.A.

Used Cats - Two catteries are playing it rough in a small town. Due to a gaffe (sabotage) in a TV commercial, the good guys have to show a mile of pussies by the end of the week.

[Lift Lurker]

Die Fard - romantic tale of jealousy and unrequited lurv. Perpetually stye-afflicted Middle age Aviatrix from St Barth Carribean seek revenge on.aging (nicely) Singapore-based French writer. Similarity to real people only intended.

[TS]

Indiana Bones - The merging and spin-off of two major movie franchises.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy from the starship Enterprise is accidentally sent back in time, while doing the timewarp in his shower (put your hands on your hips...) and ends up on earth in the 1930s.
He has to beat the Nazies to gain control of the lost ark, which is the only thing that can send him forward to 1966*.

The immortal line: "Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor, not a doctor!" originates from here.

*The smart reader will notice that Star Trek takes place in the 23rd century, unfortunately budget restraints only allows him to travel a few years forward. It's a trade-off, he will not get back to his original life but he will get to star in the TV series as himself.

[sej]

Do you reckon we could take this game to TV shows as well??

Lav & Order: The world's lavatory cleaners struggle against the daily onslaught.

Bug Love: The story of Polygamous May Flies.

[Mahjuja]

@ Angela What is your real name?

[Lift Lurker]

How can I find the most oldest post in this website?

[TS]

Lift Lurker, you click here:
http://mrjam.typepad.com/diary/page/45/

It's a bit like 'early years' retro-published works of musicians, not quite there yet...

[Lift Lurker]

Thank you TS.

It feel weird. I do not know any of the commenters. Even Nury call himself "Mr Jam". It's like visiting another planet.

[Angela]

Mahjuja, Angela is like Mr. Jam and Christina is like Nury.

True, it is like another planet.

*

I am reminded of a time, ten years ago now, when a friend called me on the phone to say she read an article in the paper and it sounds so much like something I would write but the writer is Angela Sias. I came clean :)

But the newspaper's admin staff had to cancel the cheque payment they've already prepared and write a new one that will be accepted by my bank.

When she was a young girl, Angela won a national poetry writing competition organized by a newspaper and when her prize was sent to her house, her Mom thought it was delivered to the wrong address. I came clean.

[mike]

Two maid jokes

A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he got home Saturday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water.
He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen and painful. His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling."
He tried switching to cold water and the swelling rapidly subsided.
On Sunday afternoon he called his doctor again to complain. "Say, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better."
"Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it; my maid said to use hot water."

The maid was scheduled to stay a year, but had asked her agency to be transferred to another family after two months. The woman of the house was irate: "How can you do this to us? " she stormed. "I've treated you like one of the family."The maid replied, "Ohhh... So you admit it!!!"

[Christyn Rana]

Haseena Maan Jayegi (hindi) - unchanged original favorite of Uncle Nury.

[kartini]

Thanks Ram for giving the hint. Angela, I hope you don't take this to heart.

City of Angela: a documentary of Singapore

Angela and demons: a tale of a Singaporean cougar mama and all her cougar boys. PG18 advised.

add 'i' to shrek and you get 'Shriek': an animation about an ugly green ogre who falls in love with a princess who turns into a green ogress at nightime. The princess chooses to stay as an ogress... SHRIEK!!!.. and then, the producers decide to spawn another 3 movies of the same title.. Double SHRIEK! And they make loads of money from these movies... triple SHRIEK!

The Lost Airbender: Aang, the avatar, is lost and a pair of siblings of the waterbending tribe help him to find his way back.

The Lost Emperor: The kid who acted as the last emperor gets kidnapped, and the movie never was made, and I was spared from watching it as a child. How I wish this actually happened!

[Kingofhearts 4711]

Space Jam? Isn't that about astronauts that take up fruit preserve making?

Also (sorry if these turn out to be old ideas):

Tequila Mockingbird: discrimination among alcoholic beverage makers

Ban Hellsing: the anime "Hellsing" gets banned by vampires in the film industry

Popeye the Sailor Moon: a hardened sailor discovers anime - and magical girls

Troy Story: The Iliad - for kids

Iron Man: multi-millionaire learns how to iron his own clothes

Cinderella Man: seriously?