What your baby is thinking

 
The six things your infant would tell you if she could talk

THE YOUNGEST stand-up comedian in the history of the world told her first joke at a family party in a restaurant.

She was hampered by the fact that she only knew two words. One was “knock”. So was the other.

But she COULD make a wide range of incomprehensible, spluttering, burbling noises, a bit like Mel Gibson driving home from the bar. For the previous week, her older brother and sister had been swapping “knock-knock” jokes, so baby picked up the opening words and the general format.

Halfway through dinner, the one-year-old comic launched her comedy career.

Baby: “KNOCK KNOCK!”

The rest of the family responded as one: “WHO’S THERE?”

Baby: “Shlurble burble goo.”

The rest of us: “Shlurble burble goo WHO?”

Baby: “Glubble flubble blim blom ga.”

This actually succeeded in getting a biggish laugh from the assembled crowd. One of the older kids summed it up very well. “It’s SO RANDOM,” he said.
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Random is THE hot adjective among children today. A typical conversation between my older kids goes like this.

“What are you eating?”

“Some kind of random thing Dad cooked.”

“What’s it like?”

“The outside’s a bit random but the inside is TOTALLY random.”
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Anyway, remembering baby’s first comedy performance put me in mind of the time I spent a weekend translating her every utterance. I’d seen an article in the newspaper about “pet whisperers”. If you spent enough time with your dog or cat, it said, you could soon understand its language.

I had just been sacked (again) from a newspaper so I spent the whole weekend learning BabySpeak. By Sunday night, I was pretty much fluent. I was shocked at what I discovered. Babies are highly opinionated creatures!

So here you are, moms and dads:

The Things You’d Hear If Your Baby Could Talk.

1. This pacifier needs reloading. I’ve been sucking it for hours but not one drop of #$%^ing milk has come out.

2. The cute mobile decoration hanging over my cot is mildly entertaining, but unless you are thicker than you look, Dad, which would be difficult, you’ll start saving NOW for the pony.

3. Make airplane noises as much as you want, Dad, but you don’t fool me for a second. I can tell the difference between a plane and a spoon even if you can’t.

4. My bathwater got cold so I peed in it to warm it up. Good thing one of us has some @#$%ing brains.

5. If you think baby bottles are a good substitute for mothers’ breasts, you must have very odd-shaped women on your home planet.

6. I really feel like having a good spit up, but I think I’ll wait till you get your business suit on and give me a goodbye hug so I can leave my mark.
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I showed my kids the list above and asked for comments.

“It’s a bit random,” they said.

I asked: “So, is that good or bad?”

They rolled their eyes and shook their heads at my astonishing stupidity.

“It’s not good or bad,” they said. “It’s RANDOM. That’s the whole point. Like, d’oh?”
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ON ANOTHER SUBJECT… I am still on the road, and only getting occasional bits of internet contact. Still, I want to say a big thank you to all of you for the comments on the previous post – wow, they were fascinating. You guys are doing a much better job than I have been doing.

As for the article in the Standard newspaper that Karuna mentioned, I guess it is the one above. (I wrote a few columns and left them with various publications, so they are being printed at random times by different publishers.)  
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Technorati Tags: If your baby could talk,family humor

Comments

[grandpa aka faye Libad aka Fardel]

I do not know what this baby is thinking or saying, but he is very impressive:
Can any of you do that?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxOalIK6fSI&feature=related

[grandpa aka faye Libad aka Fardel]

what is this one saying?
Hey dude.......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNHLywCfnHI&NR=1

[Vernette]

Amazing talents...
I don't know anyone who could do that. My nephew can only transform into Spidey (besides eat & crap) before he turned 2. Then he learned how to speak human language and became the very talented interrogator - he could ask the same question over and over again in many many different ways!!

[Lift Lurker]

testing

[Minkha]

This is exatly what I tell my friends who have babies:
- Don't talk to them like to idiots. They probably laugh at you inside or think "OMG, adults are sooo silly. It's embarassing!" [or shall I say "It's so RANDOM"]

But then... I am not much better myself. Recently I was trying to entertain my friend's 1-year-old daughter by pulling funny faces (and according to my nephews I am actually quite good at it). She remained very serious and was just looking at me. I asked "You're not entertained, are you?" And she shook her head... ["Not even close you silly adult monkey"]

[fardel]

There was a good movie about this subject:
"Look who is talking" starring JohnTravolta
a dog and a baby having fun at adults' expenses

[fardel]

There wasa good movie about this subject:
"Look who is talking" starring JohnTravolta
a dog and a baby having fun at adults' expenses

[fardel]

do you think that the world cup is random?
No, Not if you believe Paul the psychic
random??????
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ya85knuDzp8

[Christyn Rana]

Uncle Nury! i missed u! I missed u so much i nearly became nice to my sister. Phew. Right on time. Now, Uncle, the word ''random'' has been a favorite for a long time (i'm young young to judge it) and I got it banned in my house. The baby could probably make more sense than my brother answering 'random' at my every question. One word of random and the pan flies smack at his face. Finally he can go for a nose restructuring he was dreaming about since he entered puberty.

[Christyn Rana]

oh and speaking of over-smart babies being born these days, my best friend's sister gave birth to a girl who's been flashing middle finger whenever she gets irritated. I still believed before that baby happened, babies would be born demanding for mobile phones but i guess they are much faster than what i believe. how random.

[Munsonmike]

Random things I learned from my babies.

When you fall, get right up again.

If you need something, ask, and be persistant.

Look at things with wonderment and try new things. Learn and love by participating and doing.

When you are hungry eat, when you are tired and grumpy, sleep.

If you want to avoid a fight change the subject.

Forgive easily.

Don't be afaid to be silly or get dirty.

Make new friends easily.

You get to choose how you feel, regardless of how the people around you feel.

People remember what you react to.

[mike]

I thought of another one,

Mornings are easier if you have a routine.

[Chamin]

I like it how people first believe that Paul predicts a result of a match, and later believe that he CAUSES the result.

The Spanish premier has (jokingly) offered security to Paul after threats by German fans to eat it :-p

[grandpa aka faye Libad aka Fardel]

Hey guys
These columns have been to quiet these days!
Have you been watching the world cup, THE worldwide show organized and set up by FIFA* (presided by Paul the octopus )
*Foundation against Illegal Frying of Animals

Let me bring you some action from my neighborhood

Enjoy

.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0zOu2B26npY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vEuN3diEydo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDVGLXeWtrE&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8fW5jEiECM&feature=related