The Return of Stupidjuice

A multi-national takes a mega-bet that we consumers are really stupid

BILLBOARDS ARE APPEARING in Asian cities showing bottles of colored liquids.

The highly fashionable New York drink Glaceau Vitamin Water is “available here at last” says the poster near my office.

Vitamin Water? That sounds yummy. NOT.

But the pictures reminded me of something.

In Asia in the 1980s peddlers would set up rainbow-like displays of what they called “fruit juices” on the pavements.

In the hot summers, people would buy them, since they were wet, sweet, cheap and often came with exciting free extras, including botulism, salmonella, dysentery and similar types of conveniently-sized portable livestock.

In those days, Asian kids grew up with incredibly strong antibodies. My antibodies could pull trucks with their teeth.

But as a child, I could guess what the orange and red flavors were meant to be, but the blue and purple drinks confused me. “What fruits are they made of?” I asked.

“Stupidjuice,” one of my uncles explained. “These drinks are made from tap water, sugar and chemicals. Only idiots would buy them.”

A bottle cost one tenth of a rupee, roughly equivalent to one US dust speck.
*
But life is strange. As the years passed, homebrewed sugar-water died out in most places in Asia.

Yet in India, StupidJuice evolved into something rather wonderful: a fruity crushed-ice drink called gola.

Imagine a slushy with a more complex flavor, a fruity base topped with masala spices, fresh lime and a portion of chicken tikka. No, wait, the last item is my lunch.

In recent months, big businesses launched a gola brand called Gogola, inspired by Google. Luxury brands use crushed ice made from purified mineral water and syrup made from jambul, a fruit said to be a natural cure for diabetes.

Fruit juice has come a long way in Asia, yeah baby.
*
Such were my thoughts as I did what the advertisements told me to (I am a deeply obedient consumer) and went to the mall to buy a bottle of Glaceau Vitamin Water, citrus flavor.

It was tepid, watery and didn’t taste anything like citrus fruits.

Then I noticed some TINY print on the label which said:

“Contains no juice.”

The ingredients were tap water, sugar and chemicals.

“This is StupidJuice!” I exclaimed out loud, laughing like a maniac. “You are selling StupidJuice for 100 times the original price.”

The serving staff had no idea what I was talking about, but nodded nervously while phoning the mall security department.

It was too weird. Rich yuppies were lining up to buy a product identical to the scam fruit juices sold in Asia two decades ago.
*
Standing in the coffee shop, I phoned a business reporter and asked: “Who makes this stuff? Why is there no logo on the bottle?”

He laughed, explaining: “The logo has been omitted because it might give buyers a clue that it is not really a fruit-based health drink at all. A Coca-Cola subsidiary makes the most expensive colored sugar-water on the planet. Their other drink is called SmartWater. Basically, Coke has taken a US$4.1 billion bet on human stupidity.”

Hmm, betting on human stupidity, are they? That’s a sure win.

Buy Coca-Cola shares. This product is going to be massive.
*
”My antibodies are bigger than your antibodies,” I told the guards who ushered me out.

The yuppies watched from a distance, sipping their StupidJuice.
*
*

Technorati Tags: vitamin water,scam,cocacola

Comments

[Angela]

Good morning folks!

Wanted to thank everyone for the words of support on www.writer.com.sg

And aren't you all Lifted becasue today is Friday???

I can jump, I can dance, I would cartwheel if I could.
Because today is Friday, you know I would.

[Angela]

MunsonMike, thanks for sharing the forgiveness story. I could do with that lesson right now. I was so full of resentment for some people but gradually realized that it is only because of my own unmet expectations.

I have since forgiven my enemies. Right after I dropped the molotov cocktails on their cubicles. hehehe...

*

Ram, I remember that overwhleming fear of darkness in the movie theater. Also as a kid I felt the theater was soooooo big and scary, high ceilings, dark walls. dim lights and I also worry about missing a step in the darkness and falling and rolling down to the front of the screen. Yes, I have that morbid fear.

Your description of Pani Puri reminded me of that time I went to KL, Malaysia and had lunch at Nando's. Their chicken is coated with this special chili sauce that was not hot as I first take a bite but gradually my taste buds fire up ever so slowly and suddenly I feel like there's a tiny explosion on each nanosquare area of my tongue's surface and it culminated into one big bang of fireworks that left me breathless.

My companion asked me what happened as I was staring at him with my mouth open. I could only tell him that "I think I just had an orgasm of the tongue!"

Was an unforgettable experience indeed. And haven't been repeated ever since.

[A. Writer]

Wow, munson mike, that is an amazing story!!!

[Nury]

I agree, Mike, that is an amazing story.

I think that's the reason why I choose to be religious, despite the fact that by nature, I am rather a skeptical, science-loving type.

I've tried being atheistic and I've tried being religious (various types) and the second option is better for me.

Religious people (some of them, anyway) have superpowers and can do super-human things, like the Amish people you mention in your story.

[Ram]

@Angela: "I think I just had an orgasm of the tongue!" ... That's really hilarious!!!... I will remember this every time I eat some spicy food...

But, for people who are not used to spicy food, its really difficult to get used to it I think... Even though I grew up eating spice for my whole life, for the last three years, I am in Taiwan and got used to eat mild (or pretty much nothing) flavored food and now its kinda difficult to eat very spicy food...

But, I wonder, why the very hot countries or places (India, Mexico, Si Chuan, Thailand etc) are the ones with the most spicy food?...

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

Ram has a good point. My take is that it is to maintain appetite despite hot and humid weather. Japanese summer is hotter than the Sri Lankan dry season, and I lost 10% of my weight during my first summer here.

[Vernette]

@Angela: "I think I just had an orgasm of the tongue!" ...

I think I should introduce you to a close friend of mine who so foolishly made a similar comment in front of her future husband (he's the husband now) and it didn't really impress him... hehehe I still remember his face hahahaha

[Momo]

Silly question.. Do people actually BUY this? This, stupidjuice?

I tried it once a long time ago in London, but as the Grand Master of Knowledge Nury has pointed out.
It contains no juice and tastes like coloured water.

I'm surprised they've made enough to start selling them here in HK.. Or maybe they didn't sell enough and so had to ex/import them here? Very odd.

[Karuna aka Kaye Moreno]

@Munsonmike
Had missed your earlier comment. My delayed response now.

Was touched deeply by the story.
This is the reason went on to read about the Amish community. And discovered about how they treat the children.
It is just shows the contradictions that exist in all human lives. The imperfections and perfections all woven together.

Also, raises the question... Did the Amish community choose forgiveness over anger (or) where they influenced by their upbringing to behave in that pattern !
As the great wise panther woman of the east once said, “There is no such thing as a good influence, Mr. Potter. All influence is immoral-immoral from the
scientific point of view."
:)

[mike]

Here are some pics of stupid juice

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