The boringest thing ever

 
Just one of those dumb conversations you have, well, I have

OVER DINNER AT a bar, two friends of mine spent an ENTIRE EVENING arguing over which was the most boring thing in the world: watching paint dry or watching grass grow.

What a ridiculous waste of time! Everyone knows the answer is watching CCTV7.

Show regular viewers of CCTV7 some grass growing, and the excitement would probably give them heart attacks.

No, wait. CCTV7 is a government of China channel with a special brief to attract people in the agriculture area, so they probably already HAVE shows like that: “Exclusive 24-hour TV marathon: LIVE outside broadcast of grass growing.”

You want boring TV? A guy sitting at the next table said he’d watched a live telecast of a fishing competition where NO ONE CAUGHT ANYTHING. A new low in the history of the small screen?

Surprisingly not. His wife claimed that she had read that an “all-accountancy” TV channel was about to be launched.

Whoa! End of argument.
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The following morning I conducted detailed research on the subject (that is, I typed “accountancy TV” into Google) and found she was right.

It’s curious how accountancy has become a theme of this column recently. Not only that, but your humble narrator briefly emerged from book-writing isolation for a single event on Friday last week, and it was a party thrown by the accountants institute of Hong Kong, sponsors of my latest children’s book.

Anyway, producers at UK-based Accountancy TV say they will take popular ideas from regular TV and give them a spin to make them relevant to financial professionals.

At the time of writing, no draft listings have been published, so here are some ideas of what the schedule of Accountancy TV could look like.

“The X Files”: An accountant keeps his bottom drawer locked.

“Big Brother”: Sexy accountants (oops, oxymoron) share a house where hidden cameras catch them peeking at each other’s balance sheets.

“Late Night With David Letterman”: An accountant advises a philandering TV host on how to make his blackmail payments tax-deductable.

“The World’s Next Top Model”: We’re talking about business models, of course, and the hot new one involves bankers declaring their main income while channeling their bonuses to tax havens.

“Baywatch”: A group of accountants in swimsuits practice their math while waiting to rescue companies which start to sink.

“Friends”: Five buddies sharing an apartment get into amusing tangles trying to work out how to divide up the household budget.

“Home Improvement”: A do-it-yourself expert delivers household tips while his accountant buddy calculates the depreciation caused by amateur remodeling work.

“Buffy the Vampire Slayer”: A high school cheerleader is assigned by higher powers to cleanse the world of darkness. In other words, she’s an auditor.

“Desperate Housewives”: The week before taxes are due to be filed, a group of women discuss how they can cover up the fact that they have thrown away all their husbands’ receipts.

“The Flintstones”: Fred Flintstone works in an office carving profit and loss sheets into chunks of rock and gets into trouble when he loses his chisel.

“Spongebob Squarepants”: In Bikini Bottom, a town at the bottom of the sea, a talking sponge does the accounts for The Krusty Krab restaurant. “Mr Krab, this business is under water,” he tells his boss.

“America’s Funniest Home Videos”: An on-stage TV presenter shows clips of accountants making minor errors in calculations, causing a studio audience of auditors to laugh hysterically.

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Well, the above list is only a guess.

But if that’s what they DO decide to show, I know what I am going to do.

Switch to CCTV7 and wait for “Grass Growing 2: The Sequel.”
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(Yes, the office computer guy was bored)
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{This is from the wonderful bendpendent.com)
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Technorati Tags: bored,boring,boringest thing,boringest thing ever

Comments

[Paul]

My favorite current TV shows on Accountant TV would be:

Futurama - An accountant freezes himself and travels 1000 years into the future so that his financial accounts all multiply due to compound interest. (Actually part of a real plotline in S01E06).

True Blood - As vampires go public, human blood becomes a hot commodity on shadow markets worldwide. (actually this is sort of the premise of the movie Daybreakers [2009]).

Supernatural - Tax hunters Sam and Dean Winchester hunt down tax evaders from beyond the grave. Remember the old saying the only thing certain is ‘death and taxes’? Well now it’s just ‘taxes’!

Doctor Who - The story of a Time ‘Management’ Lord who travels the galaxy looking to correct inefficiency and fiduciary ineffectiveness wherever he may find it.

Jon and Kate Plus 8 - A couple has 8 kids and them uses them as props on a reality tv show to make themselves rich and famous and ....wait, that’s... oh nevermind.

;-)

[Lift Lurker]

Maybe this is case of pot calling the kettle black.

TV ratings battle: Accountancy TV versus Writer TV.

See professional from both camps sit for hours in front of computer.

See one group read books. See the other group read books.

See how one group write fiction. See how the other group write fiction too.

See how one group think they are cool. See how other group also think they are cool.

High speed calculator use versus high speed cigarette and alcohol consumption

See groups compare salaries. We are on average more highly paid say the accountants. You are on average more average say the writers. And who cares about average salaries? Say J. K Rowling.

[Lift Lurker]

Watching Lift camera is much more exciting than both.

[fer]

You'll have to do better than that..some of the ideas actually sound interesting! :)

[farah]

to add to Nury and Paul's list,

Glee - where accountants would solve all their problems by dancing and singing and doing mash-ups.

90210 - the glamorous and uber-cute accountants will get lured into different scandals and have to use different theories to work out of it.

Ugly Betty - the story of one unattractive but smart accountant who calculates to the top and into the boss's heart.

The Simpsons - Bart and Marge calculates the investments and the ROI to know which kid would turn out to be more successful.

[Jason]

How about the watching your wife shop channel? It's boring live, on tv it must be brain numbing.

[TS]

"Die Hard": A group of investors pose as international terrorists in order to get their hands on some bearer bonds bond in a vault.

"Star Trek": Money... the Final Frontier. These are the audits of the bank accountant Enterprise-Bob. His n-year mission: to exploit strange new loopholes; to seek out new fees and new charges; to boldly yield profit where no bank earned payoff before.

[Paul]

@ Lurker, Farah & TS funny stuff as always. :-)

@ Jason yes, I think that watching your partner/significant other shop is actually a form of torture in some cultures. ;-) I know that mine goes into a state of catatonia whenever I enter a DVD/game/gadget shop.

[Neau Kname]

how about the show "NUMB3RS" what will go into that show? a show about a federal organization investigating business crimes solved with the assistance of maths? sounds like the tax office investigating evasion. sounds boring.

I'm doing a few classes that include basic accounting and financial maths, surprisingly the lecturers of these classes are more exciting and have more of a sense of humor than my "gender and society studies" lecturer.

[Chamin]

Who Wants to be a Millionaire:

A group of accountants sit on a stage doing balance sheets, where the fastest to forge a million dollar profit can win the big Prize.

[Lift Lurker]

Star Wars - A long time ago in galaxy far far away (far from where?), Imperial empire impose new generally unaccepted accounting standards. A band of rebel accountants resist. The empire build a huge Debt Star.

[TS]

"We don't use a crude weapon like a pocket calculator" the Jedi Accountant said "you must learn to master the far more elegant slide rule my dear Padawan".
"You must seek out Yoda in the Dagobank for your basic training, may the Interest be with you".

[Angela]

Emperor: We have a new enemy, the young Rebel who destroyed the Debt Star. I have no doubt this boy is the offspring of Accountant Skywalker.

[Mahjuja]

The Bold & the Beautiful, a mega serial on accountants sorting out for the Wall Street guys?

[Christyn Rana]

um...i would probably watch accountant tv. my career compass points to it. secretly hope God would be impressed by it and add in miracle marks onto my exam paper. i know this is a boring line but thank you uncle Nury, i will be actually hunting for accountant tv. (and i won't tell my classmates..muahahaha!die u over-smart above 80s suckers sitting around pityful 50 something poor-things like me!)

[fardel]

The most relaxing thing in the world:
Listening to growing of grass, in "good company" , on a spring sunny day.

[Lift Lurker]

Night of the Living Dead - stories about daily routine life of accountant men and women [Not available in Accountant TV]

Karate Kid - Life about Balance Daniel san.

World War 2 - how inflation cause the Great war. How effective cost control won the war in the west. How imaginative lend lease financing won the war in the east front. How proper audit led to development of atomic bomb.

[farah]

are you smarter than a 5th grader? - where kids from grade 5 or below prove that accountants are dumb.