Today’s women are TOUGH

 
Tread carefully guys: these days, she’s in charge

AL GORE and his wife broke up after 40 years of marriage. The guy who stars in The Bachelor reality show broke up with his fiancé last week after being together for a lifetime by the standards of vacuous celebrities, ie, days. BP boss Tony Hayward parted company with his dividend paycheck.

So I was not surprised to find readers moaning about how hard it was to maintain relationships these days.

“I eventually want to have a child,” said 22-year-old Eva Luk. “But I don’t see why I should have to marry one.”

The three guys in the room would have strenuously denied that men were childish had we not all been busy playing three-way Mario Kart on our Nintendo DS machines.
*
Love, or it’s opposite, is in the air just now, so let’s eavesdrop on what people are saying on that subject. The interesting thing is that the tough partner these days is the female—they are the ones calling the shots and changing the rules. Reader Farah Huq (above) said she was trying something different in her social life: having guys as buddies.

Mahjuja Tanzin was skeptical. “That sounds like a nice simple solution EXCEPT for the little problem that boys don't want to be just friends.”

Business guy Karuna Menon had a solution: “The problem is that you’re attractive,” he told the girls. “Even the best young man will act silly on meeting you. Simply distract him. Turn the TV to a sports channel and cook him a chicken curry.”

Mahjuja replied: “I’m NOT making chicken curry for any man ever.”
*



There—that’s the thing. Asian women are no longer demure, passive things.

Take Christyn Rana for example. When this reader was small, she hacked the hair off her Barbie dolls, sewed their skirts into trousers and forced them to attack each other.

Now she’s at a datable age, she ill-treats her suitors. When one guy said, “I love you”, she replied: “Yeah, I love me too.” Outraged, he left her and found another woman—but he later phoned to tell her that he was an idiot. “I KNOW,” Christyn replied.
*
Modern women in Asia are tough creatures who can easily manipulate men. A married woman who did not want her name printed reported having the following conversation with her husband.

Wife: I need a black dress.

Husband: You have a black dress.

W: I need a WIDE RANGE of black dresses.

H: You have THREE black dresses.

W: Three is not a wide range. TWENTY is a wide range.

H: You are NOT buying 20 black dresses.

W: Okay, you win. I’ll make do with 10. Actually, seven or eight should be plenty.

M: Right. I should think so too.

By the time he realized that he had okayed a purchase of five new black dresses, she was halfway to Zara.
*
Eva said that today’s woman can control men by simply teaching them the Three Golden Rules of Relationships.

1) Know that when a woman says “we need to talk” she actually means “I need to complain”, so just shut up and listen.

2) Know that the word “minute” in the phrase “I’ll be ready in a minute” is a metaphor for an undefined length of time ranging from 20 to 60 minutes.

3) Know that a male who responds during an argument is automatically wrong. So is a male who does NOT respond. To save time, men should just apologize immediately. And then shut up and listen.
*
I would say more but I think I better shut up now.
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Technorati Tags: relationships,funny,humor,sex wars,asian women,amazons

Comments

[Denis]

New picture of Farah!!!!! collector's edition!!!

[Jason]

I am very lucky indeed. I found a wife is who both fiercely independent and knows how to pamper her husband, me! at the same time. It's the best of both worlds, a woman who knows how to be her own person and not some demure automaton and a giving, loving wife. {you can barf now}

Some levity:

For the boys:
http://www.jokesaround.com/j/3945.html

For the girls:
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/chat/2003508/posts

[Denis]

Jason is that your wife in the column on the right hand side of this page. If so you ARE a lucky guy.

[Dancer Arroyo]

@Eva,

Thank you. I'll rush off to start training my husband on the three rules now. Hopefully, that shouldn't take long. There should be agencies where husband comes pre-trained.

[Jason]

Denis, yes that is my sweetie.

"Mahjuja Tanzin was skeptical. “That sounds like a nice simple solution EXCEPT for the little problem that boys don't want to be just friends.”"

....and girls just don't want to be friends with benefits! It's a two sided coin ;)

[farah]

no honestly these days benefits are not counted when making friends. i dont even ask anyone if the guy has multiple bank accounts or a tower like Richie Rich. for me the guy at least has to be smart, not someone who oogles and take the wrong meaning. if i dont want to be friends i just simply shut down and act like a dead man alive :)

there's this guy in my MBA classes who was discussing about woman working after having kids. at one point he had his points directed towards me why will i work after having a baby and how i cant to that etc etc. i replied 'dude i am not getting married to you"

i never was approached again :D

[Paul]

As a part of the new ‘peter-pan’ generation, I do need to point out that the notion of men being 'childish' in focusing on video-games, and fancy gadgets with fruity logos may be a new trend of masculinity...but that does not mean we don't make good husbands and fathers. Just consider;

1. For us an all-nighter means a marathon red-eye session of the latest X-box or PS3 hot release.

2. A night out with they guys now means, a few hours in front of the TV or PC with a headset on shouting things that our partners won't likely understand...but at least they know exactly where we are.

3. Because of the physical dexterity and time commitments of 1 and 2 our beverage of choice tends to caffine/sugar induced rather than alcohol based.

4. When out and about our eyes will almost always be fixated on and handheld digital devices as we try to beat the next level or PWN the next boss. Thus we are far less likely to have wandering eye syndrome when members of the opposite sex are nearby.

5. The next generation of game systems promises to be motion based (Kinect, MOVE, etc) so that will help in reducing the mid section pooches we develop (primarily as a result of #3).

6. We will be far more engaged in playing with our kids, even if they will PWN us in every thing we play together.

;-)

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

Seriously, I want to play Mario Cart with my own kid some day! :o)

[farah]

why is it that guys have an intrinsic addiction to video games? it's worse than porns :/

[Jason]

Why are women addicted to shoes, bags and shopping in general?

We could play this game all day Farah. Chalk it up to differences and find someone you love and get along with.

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

I suggest we create a new version of Mario Cart where the players choose their dresses, handbags and shoes, then shop while driving (Mario Cart already has some tracks through malls). Guys can shop for gadgets and girls can shop for other stuff. That way, both guys and girls can enjoy it.

[Mike]

I have lived long enough to realize that relationships are hard enough with out bringing in the illusion of one person controlling some one else.

We are talking about love not politics.

To quote Scott Peck
"Being in love means you have the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's personal growth."

Love is circular process.

I know that the humor comes from the conflict. But its not funny when people really think that way.

[Jason]

Are readers familiar with the new International Symbol of Marriage?

http://genepoolsurvivalguide.com/images/donot%20copy.gif

[grandpa aka Faye Libad aka fardel]

"Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we."
Everybody know he got the wrong ones , landed to the wrong place, and insisted of naming it "the right place".

@Farah
Maybe you need wise advise on how to choose a lifetime partner
- Could we have a date/drink/ dinner?
- you: Yes ; How nice of you !
-When
- April1, 2011

-I would like to travel with you
- That would be great, What about going to Pamplone , next year.
You run in the street.

Could I take you out to dinner?

- you: Yes ; How nice of you !
But I am a vegetarian , and I cannot eat salt.

[grandpa aka Faye Libad aka fardel]

@ Jason
"I am very lucky indeed."
Everybody who met you both , will agree ...
When is the little one coming ?

[grandpa aka Faye Libad aka fardel]

@ Grandma
Are you still recovering from Torero-ing?
This column is an opportunity to write your first book of advices.

[Jason]

Mahjuja replied: “I’m NOT making chicken curry for any man ever.”

Sounds like Mahjuja could use a trip to Wife School, from the Man Show:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LgeFdcnvugs

[grandpa aka Faye Libad aka fardel]

@Uncle Nury
I like this new image , next to my commentsBut I am afraid that My fan club would not recognize me
I would like better if I could design mine.
How can I do that?

[Jason]

Little one? Who said anything about little ones? Ahhhhh....

[grandpa aka Faye Libad aka fardel]

@Jason
I said

your link to you tube was great
look what was next to it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_ySo29c-Gg&NR=1

[Angela]

Ditto to Mike.

That men are addicted to video games/gadgets and women to shopping is just blatant stereotyping. I know many girls who are just as addicted to video games and men who can out-shop me any day. I neither like games nor mindless shopping and there are many mature adults like me too but we probably do not fall into the perfect marketing segment thus this group is not highlighted in any media. The strategy is to highlight a certain stereotype that fits the image we want to create and propagate, playing on the people’s tendency to associate themselves with what is popular and then they become what they want to be, and they play games and they shop, and they BUY! BUY! BUY! You become the perfect target market.

*

That being said, I still find the stereotype funny when used in context. Which it is here.

*

I meant to post this on the post about illusions but was too jetlagged to be coherent then. Not that I am much better now, jetlagged or not :)

One popular illusion, apart from that one can control another, is that Love is something that you own and you can choose to whom you give it to.

I’ve heard this many times, even from people I perceived to be intelligent: “I will only give my love to someone who deserves it.”

Oh yeah? How can you give something that you do not own?

I don’t want that kind of love, that I receive because I deserve it. I want the kind of uncontrollable love that I elicit from you regardless of how I measure up to your defined criteria, to your ideals, to whatever you think that a deserving person should be. I want you to love me simply because it is in your nature to love. I want the kind of love that you cannot define, cannot rationalize, cannot compare, cannot judge.

I think we love because it keeps us alive, just like breathing. Love is the oxygen of the soul and humor is its carbon dioxide.

I am at peace when I think that I do not own love but love owns me.

[fardel]

Whaow!

[Lift Lurker]

Grandma - that is called Lift Love. The love i have for Lifts and the love they have for us. It does not discriminate.

[Karuna aka Kaye Moreno]

@Angela, sounds that you are still jetlagged !!
:-D

[Bill]

"If a man speaks in a forest, and his wife is not there to hear him, is he still wrong?"

Lee Child, speaking at the Stanton Library, North Sydney (where I also went to hear Nury some time ago).

[Mourning Mucus]

@Angela

"I don't....... cannot rationalize, cannot compare, cannot judge...

wow... if I wasn't already in love... that comment alone would make me fall for you... :|

[Vinod Sarkar]

Can you see a little picture of me next to this comment? (I am a cucumber)

[Mr Jam]

Hi guys, I have finally worked out how to choose your own picture (your face or any other pic) to appear next to your comment.

At least, I have worked out one way of doing it. I think smart people like TS and Sej can probably find other ways.

You go to www.typepad.com and create a microblog (it does not cost anything). you upload any photo as your profile pic. (You don't actually have to write a blog, you just have to have started one.)

I created a new one for a cucumber above; his name is Balthazar Fish.

Once you have done that, you can choose to "sign in" (click the little green typepad logo just above the comment box) before commenting and whatever pic you have chosen will show up next to your comment.

If you already have facebook or twitter etc you can probably use those as well to sign in using the symbols at the top of the comment box; I haven't tried them.

[TS]

Testing

[sej]

I created a new one for a cucumber above; his name is Balthazar Fish

Now we know we are all figments of Nury's imagination!

[grandpa aka faye libad aka fardel]

still jetlagged
but still breaking hearts

[Ramvenkat1983]

interesting...

[sej]

Just messing around with my photo, but I think I screwed it up... bugger!!

[sej]

Hmmm... maybe it does work!

PS: I used my gmail account, so Nury, those "Other" means of logging in, do seem to work.

[Karunamenon]

test

[Karunamenon]

hmm..login with face book works..

[Dan Brown]

Karuna you have put on weight. and you need to visit a dentist

[Ellie]

You don't need to do a microblog with typepad as described above, all you need to do is connect it with any major web service and it automatically finds your profile pic and transfers it to here. if you want it to!

[Mahjuja]

@ Mr. Jam, bravo! bravo! really liked this column, however, it's -taznin not tanzin. BTW, why was my byline without a pic? Just curious!

@Angela thanks for saying it, but how do you get that kind of love, especially when you know people are hitting on you because of the way you look.

I was not amused by the wife school joke, because it was just a humourous way of stating exactly what men want and expect of women. In the end (after you're married), no matter how intelligent/beautiful you are, men only appreciate you if you're basically like you've been to wife school. They like to deny it but they imply it all the time.

[fardel]

@Mahjuja
And the men who are different end up single......
But the smart men end up married to other ................men

[Munsonmike]

This blog today reminds me of the Wife of Bath Tale from Chaucer's Canterbury Tales.

King Arthur was one captured by a neighbouring king who agreed to spare the former’s life if he could answer one question, What do women want?

Since King Arthur didn’t know the answer, he sent his messengers all over his kingdom looking for anyone who did. In the course of their travels, the messengers came across an ugly, wizened witch who claimed she knew the answer. She would, however, only reveal it if Lancelot agreed to marry her. Knowing the gravity of the situation Lancelot acquiesced, whence the witch answered, “What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.”

As soon as they heard it, everyone, including the neighbouring king, knew that truer words had never been spoken. And so the wedding between Lancelot and the witch was solemnised. On their wedding night, the witch announced that she had the ability to be beautiful half the time. She asked Lancelot to choose: either she could be beautiful during the day or at night.

Unable to make up his mind, Lancelot said that he would let her choose. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

The moral of this story? It doesn’t matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, smart or dumb. Underneath it all, she’s still a witch. And if you try to control her life, if you don’t let her have her way, things will get ugly!

[Munsonmike]

I can not take credit for the funny moral it came from Smita Jain’s Weblog, who is an Indian writer.

[Christyn Rana]

A man who has/desires/keeps/dates/has broken up with/is infatuated with many women is like Lindsay Lohan and her drinking issues. A man who is able to love one woman all his life is like Meryl Steep becoming the next Lindsay Lohan. In my 23 years of life, I came across just 1 man of my age who has faihfully loved one woman for the last 5 years. Worse, he is a young man. Too bad that woman wasn't me.

[Mahjuja]

@Fardel are you married to another man?...Is Mr. Jam married to another man?

[Dancer Arroyo]

@Mahjuja

Actually, the wife school is still well and kicking, especially in Japan. Another one of my weirdo uncle's girlfriend have been to one. She told me she wanted to 'please my uncle'. The curriculum consists of the usually cooking/cleaning/sewing classes plus how to be a doormat / how to manage to lose your IQ, etc.

[Jason]

They have wife school in Korea too. When I lived in Korea several girls asked me "Who do you live with?" When I answered that I lived alone, they were beyond baffled, "but who cooks and cleans?" When I said I did it, you could see the puzzlement on their faces as this didn't make any sense to them.

Mahjuja, it was a joke. You need to lighten up girl and learn to do things to please your partner, like make a bowl of curry. Doing nice things for your partner doesn't make you a doormat or submissive, it makes you a nice, grounded person that likes to do things for others. My wife loves it when I wash her feet, does it make me submissive? No she enjoys it and I like to please her. Refusing to do it because of some silly illusion is just immature.

[Nury]

"Wife School"???
Now that sounds like meat for some good comedy.
There would have to be a husband school too.
Sorry for mispelling your surname, Mahjuja, and as for pix in articles, I didn't put your lovely face in the above post because it appeared in the previous one. Pretty faces cause a slight rise in male heart rates--I have been a bit concerned about the health of the guys in the gang, so I try not to over-use them.

[Jason]

I was reminded of the joke by Fardel's comment above about men married to men.

Why cant' women find nice, sensitive guys? Because they already have boyfriends.

Of course the enlightened, intelligent men on this forum are the exception.

[Vernette]

A Wife School?? What about a Husband School? That could be hundreds of times more useful!

[Jason]

Sorry Vernette, men are genetically incapable of picking our socks up off the floor. Rigourous scientific testing has proven you can't teach an old dog new tricks. You have to catch us while we're young...so blame the mothers. That's what Freud would do!

[Vernette]

@ Jason
Haha, OK. Guess I'll have to thank my mother-in-law then, she taught my husband well, and he even cooks! Just not so good at keeping things where they should be. I guess it all comes down to how much you love your wife and if you're thinking about her when you leave your socks on the floor... unless there's no brain activity involved which, very often, is the case.

[fardel]

"it makes you a nice, grounded person that likes "
Did you mean grounded meat

[Jason]

I was absolutely astounded when I walked in the other night and found my wife ironing my shirts for work. It's never happened before, I always do my own and I was amazed...until I realized her ulterior motive for doing it. She wanted time with me when I got home and didn't want me wasting it on ironing and taking my attention from her :)

[Angela]

I like the Wife of Bath Tale - hehehe..

*

Answer to Mahjuja:

I do not think that men hit on me because of my looks, at least not ALL the time. Maybe 99.5% only. Why? I’ve been in a situation where there are far more beautiful women around but I was still approached by men. How? I flirt :) I don’t think I am beautiful - I am short and flat, so I make up for it by being friendly and open minded.

I think the problem with being beautiful is thinking that it is enough to be pretty and that men will be attracted to you and become your servant, carry your handbag, pay for dinner, etc. so you don’t have to do anything but just be your pretty self. Just think of handsome men who thinks being handsome is enough. This is not exclusive to one gender only.

The relationship may begin with physical attraction first but things of physical nature have a way of losing its attraction when you get used to it, then it becomes ordinary. The same way a thousand dollars It bag was so attractive when you see it on the magazine or shop window but becomes ordinary when it sits on your closet. I wonder if Brad Pitt wakes up in the morning and (still) thinks, “Whoa! I am with Angelina Jolie!”

So when your beauty starts to fade in the eyes of your beloved, you must have something else to keep him/her, and it could be a number of things such as your sense of humor, your intellectually stimulating conversations, your affectionate nature (in private), your yummy chicken curry, your father’s bank account, etc.

How do you find that kind of love? You can start on the internet. When you have the chance to be known for your brain first before your face and body.

Like Jason said, “enlightened, intelligent men on this forum”.

I had an ex who is so good looking, women would flirt with him even when I am around, and more when I am not. I am almost always insecure about what he sees in me. He was very faithful during our relationship. And because of my insecurity I took extra effort to take good care of him and pamper him. Massage after hard day of work, foot bath after a sports game, weekend morning he wakes up to a choice of continental breakfast with choice of pancakes or waffles, when he is playing x-box after dinner, instead of pestering him, I would go to the kitchen and cut fresh watermelon and feed it to him so he can continue racing cars or shooting down his enemies, he just opens his mouth when he wants more fruits. I had no interest whatsoever in sports but I read the latest on world cup, who's who in football, know the NBA teams and players, watched rugby, cheer him on the field, etc. I don't see it as being submissive but as enhancing my knowledge and skills and my appreciation of life, of the world beyond what is familliar to me.

I believe that I have spoiled him for life now. I set the bar so high that no other women will ever be good enough for him after we break up. Look at it this way, as a woman, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

[fardel]

@Mahjuja
I agree with Jason;You take my comments too seriously...By the way , i have been married to nobody for the last 14 years....
And i plan to keep it this way.....

[Jason]

Angela is right, beauty is way more than skin deep. I have known several average looking girls with fantastic and fun personalities that I found much more attractive than "hot" girls with bad attitudes.

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

Angela,

I too have been good at babysitting adults in relationships; but then, this sometimes led to complicated situations :-p

That said, it will be fun to be fed when I am busy with Mario Cart and cannot take my hands off the controller. But it will be more fun to play with and shout at your partner :-)

[farah]

i think i'm in love with Angela... it does makes sense. no matter how much we pick on the opposite sex until we settle down and start caring we wouldnt know what's it actually like to be there (others would then call us doormats!). but i'm still not ruling out that certain percentage of man who believes that woman has been born to be a slave, baby manufacturer and as the saying goes "an angel in kitchen and a vixen in the bedroom."

[Mahjuja]

@ Mr. Jam, Actually, now that I'm sure of why you did it, I want to thank you for only posting my words- I like it when people pay attention to them and them alone.

@ dancer Tell me there is no lap dancing taught at wife school?

@Jason I'm not being uptight, it's just that I'm pessimistic because in my culture at least, people EXPECT women to be fulfilling certain duties and basically nothing of men, if you've read one of Mr. Jam's columns you'll see what I mean. People (even literal strangers) say things like, "You've been born a girl, you HAVE to cook!" or "You HAVE to eat stuff you repulse because it's not feminine to fuss about food." It's like you have no choices! See the story posted by Munsonmike, it's basically like that.

@Angela and the others, before you all get pissed off with me, I feel very pessimistic because I've had some very bad experiences (in my view). The probably worst one was something like this- I met a girl at work and we became quite good friends. She told me she had a boyfriend of about 7-8 years whom she met on the internet. It seemed too good to be true- the guy was actually tall, dark and handsome (she showed me a pic), he was well educated and had a good job, looked smart, blah, blah, blah. My best friend and I were confounded but honestly we put away our skepticism and thought, well at least there's hope for some people. Guess what happenned then? After our internship was over, the girl and I became facebook friends to stay in touch. Now this was when facebook allowed us to keep our profile pics private (only my friends could see my pic). One fine day, I get a friend request from this girl's boyfriend whom I have never even been introduced to (the guy lives in another continent!). So, I call the girl and ask her about it and she goes very quiet because this guy has never sent friend requests to any of her friends before. She's askes me not to friend him and I don't, but after a few months I notice she's not in a relationship with him anymore. Then it gets even worse, after facebook makes everything public by default, the guy actually snoops around my facebook page before I managed to change the privacy settings and sends me a 'pick up line' sort of message. Now what do you make of that? That girl was a nice person, good looking and the caring type, what went wrong? Why me? And there's always the thing that on the internet, a dog can fake a human! Sorry for the long post.

[sej]

Farah,

I think we are all in love with Angela.

Angela,

Would you please find a suitable doctor/research lab, and have yourself cloned a few times??

Mahjuja, Mahjuja, Mahjuja....

Just remember, there is no such thing as either Mr or Mrs Perfect. Neither one exists. If you're lucky, you'll be able to get Mr GoodEnough.

[farah]

ahhh...the online trap!! been there, done that. i dont trust guys online, even the good ones.

[fardel]

@Mahjuja
"Mr or Mrs Perfect. Neither one exists."

That's not true , I do exist .

What about man's description:A banker given by Nature....

@Sej
Leave grandma alone!
She is "almost" perfect

@Mahjuja

Do not be pessimistic....Go out and start looking, discreetly; somewhere , sometime, you will find this gem who will change your life.
Do like me travel the world ...and keep looking

I have been doing that for the last 57 years, and I did not find her yet
o(0_0)o

@Angela

You are amazing , being the wildest of all and being the wisest a the same time.
Maybe I should move closer to you.
Any good university for my daughter in your Town?

[Vaibhavchadha]

Wow. That is one serious page.

The comments are certainly enlightening.
Is there a girl friend training school as well?? And does the wife training school teach exact opposite of the girlfriend training school??

[sej]

Fardel,

I know she's almost perfect, that's why I want my own copy! There's nowhere near enough good women out there, let alone near perfect ones.

Mahjuja,

And I'm not talking just nice boobs or dishpan hands! I'm talking and all-rounded person.

Vaibhav,

It's getting long too... I wonder how many of Nury's posts have comments sections that go onto three pages... I'm not sure there are any. Could this be the first?

[Vernette]

the battle of the sexes is always interesting, and when you get intelligent ppl doing it, it's just so much fun... they end up flirting hahaha

[Mahjuja]

@ Fardel I just happenned to watch this movie starring Harrison Ford- Six Days and Seven Nights, Ford is this pilot ferrying people to and from the Pacific islands, I just thought he looked kind of like you and was playing the role of a 'will stay single guy'. Did you watch this movie by any chance?

@sej who said anything about Mr. Perfect! I just wanted to meet a guy who wasn't a jerk (other than on this column). Jeez.

Too bad I did find Ms. Perfect and quite a few Ms. GoodEnoughs BUT alas, neither they nor I am lesbian! At least I have some good friends.

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

Fardel,

Singapore has generally good universities, though a bit expensive without a scholarship. But then, there is too much competition among students, making the studies kind of boring and like an extension of high school.

Skin color is not much of a problem within the university, compared to outside :-p

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

Mahujuja,

I think we find the guys and girls who we think they are :o)

I know many good girls, but I also know they don't want a relationship with me :-p. They become good friends, no problem.

[Jason]

Mahjuja the story goes both ways, women do not have a monopoly on bad experiences. Quite a few women lie, cheat, use, manipulate and so on just like men. People suck, not men, not women, people.

I have been screwed around so many times by women I lost count and I gave up hope. And you know the saying, when you stop looking you find it. I was so fed up with women and their stupid, neurotic games I had given up entirely on ever having a relationship again...then I met my wife.

[sej]

Mahjuja,

Just making sure as best I can I'm not misunderstood.

[angiesph]

discussions on male-female expectations in relationship tend to drag on and on...just like in marriage...LOL

I think I can rest my case now.

[Angela]

aaaiii....

what happened to my pattern?

[sej]

Angela,

I think I prefer this picture to the pattern you were using...

[Angela]

Someone once told me this: "Before you can meet Mr. Right you must first be Ms. Right."

*

We can learn the lessons from bad experiences but we must not let it stop us from being optimistic, from moving forward with hope and the right attitude.

When Michael Jordan threw his first basket he missed, second he also missed, and third, but this bad experiences did not stop him from making another throw, and another, and another. And he is now a basketball legend.

When I fell in love for the first time and had my heart broken it was devastating. But it did not stop me from falling in love again, and again, and again. And now, I may not be a legendary lover (but I could be on my way) but I am also not scared to fall in love again. The lesson? I don’t know. I guess my lesson is not to lose hope but to let the experiences and lessons propel you to better yourself so that when the right one comes along I am ready for him. But is he ready for me? I leave that for him to find out :)

Actually every time one comes along I would think HE IS the RIGHT one. But what happens is that I learn he is the right one for the moment and will not stay right forever. Why? Because I change and he change and if we don’t change in the same direction we just cease to be right for each other. It’s nobody’s fault. That’s just the way life is.

Just like life, love is also a journey, not a destination. So even when you think you’ve found the right one, do not stop at improving yourself. There is no expiry date for the improvements so you can collect as many, as much as you want.

[Angela]

I just remembered the lesson (this is my brain's usual delay in processing information), the lesson is not so much romantic but more realistic considering the cost of child-raising, according to Mr. Jam: "be safe, be protected each time you fall in love"

That has saved me countless times from making fatal mistakes. I cringe now when I think about it.

[Vaibhavchadha]

I hear you jason.
I think its not about finding Ms. Perfect, i thought i did. Am glad it didnt work out. But that time i became a recluse when i got dumped.
Now married to the most wonderful woman i know.
I see the point Angela is making, What helped me get over my bad relationships was that i believed that they were to be in my life for that fixed period and not more. Really heled that.

[Ram]

@Angela,

This post (Last but one of yours)fits not only for love and relationship but for all things in life in general. Especially I like "We can learn the lessons from bad experiences but we must not let it stop us from being optimistic, from moving forward with hope and the right attitude".

Really enlightening!!!

[fardel]

@Mahjuja
Thanks for he compliment
i have seen this good movie,But i did not recognize myself in it, except for that H.Ford is almost as handsome a I am....(°_°)
Maybe I should have another look at it.
Now is the question : should I move to singapore or to Bengla Desh?

[Mahjuja]

@Angela Like your new pattern grandma.

If I could be as free as you (sigh), I wouldn't be complaining. It's the social ultimatum hanging over my head that makes me spew. My parents are actually doing me a big favor by still letting me go about on my own. They actually get 'advise' from concerned friends and family about how they are letting me go away to grad school in another continent all by myself, surely I need a husband to 'take care' of me? And I still live in a society where you're married for life even if you're hubby turns out to be a real loser. Women will give up careers and basically their lives to make peace with the jerk. No divorces in my whole extended family-don't think my parents will be proud if I pioneer in that department. So you see where my aprehension comes from. I wish I could show you guys the melodrama my dad started when I told him very frankly that I didn't want to get married ever.

Here's an interesting post:
http://www.salon.com/books/feature/2010/06/30/female_memoirs_quiet_revolution/index.html

[Mahjuja]

I just wanted to add that this whole discussion has been very stimulating, reflective and enjoyable. I must say that people who I interact with, as oppossed to people I'm related to or acquainted with, are always very encouraging, supportive and nice to me. I guess I should consider myself quite lucky.:-)

[Angela]

AHA! idea for my book!

Angela - memoirs of a youth spent online dating.

I have enough material to rival bill clinton's autobiography.

*

Mahjuja I think you should take this grad school as chance to dig your roots so deep in this foreign continent that it will take your parents a massive effort as big as that for Bingham Canyon Mine, to excavate you and take you back to be married to a man they choose for you.

I am sad that at this day and age women can still be forced into arranged marriage. But I am also curious to hear the man's side of the story. How does he feel to be "arranged" married? does he go through the same apprehensions as the woman? and from what I heard this will be a big feast, so who foots the bill?

Personally, if I am going to pay for something, I do not want any surprises, I would want to test drive, so to speak the merchandise before I hand over my visa card.

[Mahjuja]

@ Fardel you're teasing me right? If I remember correctly about you and the movie,

1. Ford has moved on to live the simple life.

2. Has decided to stay single and keep it simple.

3. Flys plane

4. Lives in tropical type island.

5. Can cook even wild bird.

6. Ruggedly handsome.

And last but not least,

7. Likes sparing with saucy woman. ;-)

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

Mahjuja,

Join the club, go to grad school somewhere far far away! :o)

[Mahjuja]

@Angela, My dad has to foot the bill. In fact my dad and other people have to help foot the bill if other bride's dads can't foot their own! Can you imagine! I feel exactly the way you just said! It's just one of the many good reasons I have for not marrying. Interestingly, my parents think I'm selfish and irrational to think so!

But on the upside, in my region at least, it is tradition that the guy's family has to dress the bride and provide the bling, (you know how gold prices are these days, he he) still even here the guy's side has the upper hand in these arrangements i.e. they have a bit more flexibility in how much they spend.

Thanks for the empathy, both Angela and Charmin, but I hope for something that will be acceptable to both me and my parents (with some compromise on both sides). I guess you can cut loose physically but the bonds keep you rooted and I would not want to hurt my parents, they don't deserve that, as I've mentioned they haven't really forced anything on me ever.

[Ram]

@Mahjuja,

I remember the story "A Thousand Splendid Suns" by Khaled Hosseini. It talks about the life of two different women from traditional Muslim family in Afghanistan.

I pretty much know this kind of feeling as I hail from a country which is not so different from yours. Though I dont have any personal experience about relationships, I have seen my sister and my cousin who are pretty much my age. Especially, my cousin was kind of like you, she was saying that she never wanna get married and want to achieve things in her field of interest. But, as ever, her parents convinced her for marriage and now she is a mom for a 3 year old kid. I really thought that she ll not be happy with her married life but on the contrary, she is very happy. I dont feel that its forced happiness, but, she is really into it. But then, I have to say that her husband is really a very nice guy and there is some mutual understanding between them.

You can be happy that your family members are good to listen to your opinions. There are many who dont even give that freedom.

All the best for ur Grad School life...

[sej]

I always maintain, that life is what you make of it, or what you let it make of you, regardless of what comes your way.

So, even if you're forced into a situation, you need to either try and make the most of it, or change it so that you can. Not always easy to do, indeed, very often, nigh on impossible, but it can be done. Presence of mind, locus of control.

[Mahjuja]

@Angela I thought you might find this interesting.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/04/fashion/04love.html

@everyone I'm simply overwhelmed by the camaraderie you guys are showing. Thanks.

[fardel]

@Mahjuja
It seems to me that you are the one teasing me....
( are you the saucy woman? )
For what is worth
Life is a succession of compromises.
You will have to bend to this rule of life.

You are lucky:Your parents have given you Freedom , the freedom to get a higher education, the freedom to live somewhere else

Use it
Go to this school,
It will give you time to think it over and adjust to the idea of getting married;
It will give you time to find a man who will be worth introducing to your family
I do believe that they are wise enough , and that they love you enough to accept this alternative
Itis up to you to learn how to give your family the choice of choosing him for you.

Give time to Time.
You can expect to live another 50 years , minimum.
Build this life on solid foundations.
Do not rush things!
Do not rush anything!

[Mahjuja]

@Fardel, first of all, doesn't the woman Ford is stranded with remind you a little of grandma? ;-)

And for the rest- :-).

@Angela, I don't know for sure what the guy feels, but I assure you the guy gets to do a lot of window shopping before he hands over the credit card and he can go around acting like he's the hottest deal on eBay while the women have to choose from whatever comes their way (woman's family do not go out and seek usually). Can't test drive though, it's a 'you have to buy, to open the package' policy for arranged marriages here. ;-)