The (not very) secret service

In which I discover the huge east-west gulf in the bodyguard business

THE CIA last week launched a movie they had made about a failed operation in China. US Central Intelligence Agency chiefs said an honest account of a mission that went wrong would be more educational than trying to delude people into thinking agents were superhumans.

That’s actually quite smart.

And it’s also NOT how authorities in Asia think.

Here, governments force-feed us with lies and then wonder why we don’t trust them.

The Chinese government urges people to: ”Live like Lei Feng.” Russian authorities say: “Live like Pavlik Morozov.”

So basically they are telling us to: 1) die before our time; and b) live on in absurd, fictional legends.

Hey, wait. That’s a better career plan than the one I’ve got now.
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This contrast reminded me of the time I researched a novel in which the President of China’s bodyguard befriends the US President’s bodyguard.

Job one: find out who guards these guys in real life.

For China, I learned only that it was NOT the army, NOR the police, NOR the security bureau. A contact told me that if I investigated the secret “special units” of the People’s Armed Police, I would be rewarded by winning a jail term of 150 years, or the average age of Beijing Politburo members, whichever is longer. In other words, I hit a brick wall. Zero information.

 

And the US? I simply logged on to Google, typed “US secret service” and pressed the “I feel lucky” button. It took me straight to the website of the US secret service. No hacking needed. Try it yourself with this link.
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Job two: check out what the individuals look like.

US agents were easy to find. They have “Secret Service” printed on the doors of their cars (not a joke). They carry name cards saying “Special Agent” (also not a joke). They will even hand you one if you ask politely, and remember not to accidentally describe America as “the Great Satan”. They wear a uniform of white shirts, black trousers and high-top fetish boots, with fishnet stockings underneath. (The last bit is just a guess.)

Finding their equivalent numbers in China was trickier. In Beijing and Shanghai, I saw loads of people in uniforms. The green PLA ones came in two sizes, Too Big and Too Small. Other officers wore blue, black, white or olive ones. One spotted me committing the heinous crime of Looking At Them in Broad Daylight and chased me off.

I ran as fast as I could. A hundred and fifty years in jail would spoil my summer.

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Later, a Shanghainese friend named Pan Jingxia explained the philosophy of the Chinese government: “By DEFAULT, all information is illegal to print, unless the law says otherwise.”

I replied: “So if you tell me that you keep your skin soft by bathing in noodle soup, I cannot write about it, unless I find a law specifically saying: ‘The government of China officially announces that a Shanghainese guy named Pan Jingxia bathes in noodle soup.’”

He said that technically I was right.

I asked: IS there such a line in the law books of China?

He said he hadn’t checked.
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Anyway, if I get into trouble for writing the above, I’ll look on the bright side.

At least I’ll be able to write accurately about People’s Armed Police boots.
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ON AN UNRELATED SUBJECT, THANKS for all the optical illusions and similar items sent in yesterday.
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Here’s a confusing sign sent in by Dancer in Vancouver. “Needless to say, I was lost,” she said.

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Jason sent in this video clip to explain the “magnetic hill” posting of yesterday:

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Mike sent in this picture (below) of the “wrong way fountain” – look carefully and you’ll see that the water is designed to flow UP the slopes before tumbling off.

Mike also sent in this video: Two people enter a room and swap places – they seem to miraculous change size.

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And lastly, here’s a fun round-up: 10 optical illusions in two minutes!

Technorati Tags: China security,US secret service,PAP,People's Armed Police,guarding the president,optical illusion

Comments

[Dancer Arroyo]

Just wondering, do the Russian secret service, aka the KGB, have the same level of secrecy like China or America?

[Bill]

Dancer, the KGB is so secret it has changed its name to FSB. On the other hand, it does have a web site.
http://www.fsb.ru/

[Christyn Rana]

Hmm.. should I start the whole secret service thing of Nepal? ok, so let's see what the secrets are. We aren't too rich but yes we rob rich people travelling by road. Not relevant. That's our achievement. Scrap that. We were offered financial aid from US some time back and the government used it to build bridges( where there was no river). The government will most likely claim that it was used to paint all the ice mountains white. Did I mention to you that secret? That we're a poor country because our people spend too much and the government keeps handing out cash. Nepal isn't China. I can write anything and Nepal will be grateful for any publicity it can get whether its for pressure cooker bombs or catapult boms.

[fardel]

If those guys start shooting when riding theses Segways, do they:

Move backward?
Spin right in the Northern Hemisphere?
Spin right in the Southern Hemisphere?
Fall on their back?