Mr J reads the newspaper

The top 11 strangest news items of the last few days

I CAN’T BELIEVE people are STILL going on about that oil well leak. For years, scientists have been looking for ways to power automobiles with sea water. BP seems to have solved that problem. A bit of Gulf of Mexico water in your tank should get the old engine chugging. If I was BP chief Tony Hayward, I would simply propose dividing that body of water into two parts with separate names: Leaded and Unleaded.

Meanwhile, US President Barack Obama said that society needs to learn to derive energy from “sources which have no limits”. Does that mean that he is going to find a way to run automobiles on pulped worthless celebrities?

Another thing which has no limits is human stupidity, but that’s hard to extract.

The world has been particularly crazy lately, so here’s a round-up of top news items which have caught my eye.

 

1) Environmentalists say that if the oil leak continues for another month, “some species might become endangered”.

Yeah, BP executives.

 

 

2) Scientists have called for a nuclear bomb to be dropped in the Gulf of Mexico as a fast way to seal the oil leak.

Great idea.

I’m sure Mr Hayward (above) would be THRILLED to fly over the US with a live nuke.

 

 

3) A new bill going through the senate gives the US president the power to shut off the Internet.

The president of China is strongly opposed to it, saying, “Hey, stomping on the internet was OUR idea.”

 

 

4) Amid soaring sales for Michael Jackson CDs, his doctor Conrad Murray has been given back his medical license.

Music industry executives are encouraging Dr Murray to offer free services to other Jackson family members.

 

 

5) The China pavilion has become the most popular exhibit at the Shanghai World Expo.

Inside visitors can see a 50-meter high model of all the money that America owes China.

 

 

6) Paul McCartney turned 68 last week.

He’s changing some of the lyrics to his songs: “Yesterday, adult diapers seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they’re here to stay.”

 

7) Twitter stopped working for an hour due to a malfunction.

Experts estimated that 40 million tweeters expressed their frustration by writing Twitter bulletins about it to themselves.

 

 

 
8) Apple received more than 600,000 advance orders for the iPhone 4.

“Please buy it this week, as we will be launching the iPhone 5 next week,” said a spokesman announcing Apple’s new sales strategy, known as Milk-the-Fans-to-Death-Mwah-Ha-Ha-Ha.

 

 

 

9) Aircraft designers say they will soon be able to launch pilot-free planes, on which senior air stewardesses will be the most powerful people in the air.

The Pilots’ Association said: “So, no change there.”

 

 

10) French psychiatrists said Anakin Skywalker would never have gone to the dark side if he had received better psychiatric care.

Meanwhile, scientists reckon French psychiatrists would say fewer dumb things if they spent less time watching movies.

 

 

11) A prisoner on death row in Utah chose to be executed by firing squad.

It was later revealed that the other option was replacing Tony Hayward as CEO of BP.
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All the above came from one week’s worth of news clippings. When real life is this weird, who needs fiction writers?
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Technorati Tags: news humor,BP humor

Comments

[fardel]

@ Uncle
You got it wrong!
This mountain of money is the Us money that China owns..
If you look good at that picture , you will see on the flag , in the bottom right hand corner:Made in China

[fardel]

...; with Us money

[grandpa aka faye lipad aka fardel]

test

[fardel]

test again

[farah]

i love the picture with the 'i dont have mother issues'...classic man-woman problem. and quite a co-incidence since me and my newly engaged friend was just talking about it last night.

guys should dress up like that when defending themselves considering women are getting tough and wouldnt think twice before going haiii--eeee---aahhhh!

[Nury]

Thanks for the comments! fardel, if you want to send me a comments picture, i can set it up for you and send you a password which you can use to activate or not activate the picture, whenever you want.

[sej]

12) Someone is trying to find Tutankhamen's Penis.

http://www.newscientist.com/blogs/culturelab/2010/06/on-the-trail-of-tutankhamens-penis.html

ps: Nury, I like your photo at the top!

[farah]

someone actually gets paid to look for stuffs like that in the name of research and for the rest things like that will get the lables of pervert/psycho/sick etc.

it's just not fair!!!!

[TS]

12) Last week in Australia, history was written when a woman became prime minister.

13) No one outside Australia seem to know about #12.

[fardel]

when I leave this planet , I shall get myself cremated , just in case, 2000 years from now, somebody decides to cut me into pieces to determine if I was a man a woman or a bear.

[Vernette]

Now it tells you the quality of the journalists these days... If you've read HK newspaper, you'll probably agree -- they know how to take photos, photoshop them, publish them... but they can hardly write.

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testing at the same time...

[Christyn Rana]

did u hear of the woman who crashed while trying to avoid a vampire? the state patrol said she was not taking her prescribed medication. i don't think her insurance covers twilight crisis.
http://www.wusa9.com/news/local/story.aspx?storyid=103074&catid=148
i think i'm looking edward cullen. He looks like a poster on my wall. He could be one of the numerous pin-ups. No, it must be him in real. I must have kicked my pills somewhere when he suddenly came to propose to me.

[Lift Lurker]

@TS, Austria now has woman prime minister?

[Pel]

Not Austria!!
AUSTRALIA, which is a small island off the coast of New Zealand, I think.

[Erick]

SOME OF US are up to speed on political events in Australia. they have a new prime minister, her name is Kevin and she speaks Chinese.

or was that the previous one? if so, im not surprised they got rid of him. Im sure most Aussies cannot understand Chinese, probably had no idea what he was saying most of the time.

[Salaya]

You guyz missed one news story.

obama sacked his general in afghanistan. his name was "Crystal".

I didnt catch the full story but I think he was sacked for "being a big butch guy with a name that sounds like a porn star."

[Amberlicious Juggs]

I don't think the general in Afghanistan was called Crystal.

And why do you think that sounds like a porn star's name?

Porn stars don't have a specific type of name, do they?

best wishes
Amberlicious Juggs

[nursing top]

LOL that was hilarious! hahahah

[cris c.]

all are hilarious! youre really my favorite writer hahahaha :P

ok sorry for being a suck up. middle of the night folks, middle of the night.