Most bizarre visa questions

 

How to reply to strange queries you’ll encounter on travel forms

TODAY, BOYS AND GIRLS, we will help you with your visa applications to the UK and the US and elsewhere.

Children from around the world applying to go to school in Britain are now asked on a form if they have ever “committed genocide”. (Not a joke.)

What should you reply?

Impress the immigration officers. Write this:

“Yes, my hobbies are reading, stamp collecting and wiping out neighboring nations.”

The same visa form asks the child if he or she has “committed war crimes”.

Kids, use this as an opportunity to show humility, responding:

“Yes, but only minor ones, unlike great Western leaders such as Mr Blair and Mr Bush, whom I admire so much for their ruthlessness.”

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A group of readers was discussing immigration questions the other day. On an application for a US visa, Chaminda Da Silva was asked: “Do you intend to carry out terrorist activities while in the United States?” He wondered why the question was there: “Would anyone answer ‘Yes’?”

The question is there to cover the behinds of immigration officers, Cham. If a terrorist blows up Washington, they can wave the form and say: “Don’t blame us. We SPECIFICALLY asked if he was going to do that and he said no. We got it right here.”
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Lift Lurker, a shy reader whom I shall call Otis in the printed version of these columns, kindly offered to revise the US government’s visa application forms to make them better at identifying bad guys.

1) Do you intend to carry out terrorist activities while in the United States?

Yes/ No/ Maybe.

2) Which country is The Great Satan?

[Fill in name]______________

3) Have you said final goodbye to your family?

Yes / No/ Maybe.

4) Rate your agreement to this sentence: Death to USA.

Disagree/ Agree/ Agree Strongly.

Thanks, Otis, that should flush them out nicely.
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Mahjuja Taznin said the US authorities also ask: “Are you going to engage in pimping or prostitution?”

My suggested response: “Only if you ask REALLY nicely.”
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Sej said the Australian Arrivals Card now has the question: “Are you carrying pornography?’”

Kanyu Wong, also known as Dancer Arroyo, encountered similar questions in Singapore and Japan.

How to reply?

“Not this time, but if you tell me what you like, I’ll get it for you next time.”
*
But readers agreed the US authorities have the best questions.

Here are some more REAL questions from the US entry form prepared by the homeland security department, along with suggested replies.

Q: “Have you ever been convicted for an offense involving moral turpitude?”

A: “Please repeat the question in English.”

Q: “Are you involved in espionage?”

A: “Yes, I have been a spy my whole life, but will have to give it up now that you have brilliantly outed me.”

Q: “Between 1933 and 1945 were you involved in persecutions associated with Nazi Germany or its allies?”

A: “Yes, and by the way, it is my 140^th birthday today.”

Q: “Are you seeking to engage in immoral activities?”

A: “Sorry, you’re not my type.”

Q: “Do you have a mental disorder?”

A: “Yes, everything I say is the opposite of the truth, including this statement.”

(This may cause the immigration officer’s head to explode, so stand well back.)

Happy travels.
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Technorati Tags: visa funny,filling in forms,US homeland security

Comments

[Terrence]

For years the airlines were required to ask dumb questions like "are you a terrorist" and "are you carrying any explosives in your luggage", but they eventually gave up when they finally realized how dumb the questions were. Now they ask not-as-dumb questions such as "has your luggage been in your possession the whole time from when you packed it to coming to the check-in counter".

[Jason]

My favourite immigration story is from when I worked in the US and I was applying for my work visa.

The beacon of intelligence reviewing my documentation to judge my qualifications and therefore my worthiness for a work visa stated in all seriousness, "You don't have a computer science degree?"

"Ah no."

"But you work with computers?"

"Ah, yes."

"Sorry denied."

"Wah? I am not a programmer, I use application software like Word and Excel; I don't need a CS degree for that."

"I'm sorry I don't know what that is."

"Microsoft?" I suggested.

"No, sorry, I don't know that either."

"Bill Gates?" in rising annoyance.

"Nope."

And this person, wearing a gun, was qualified to determine if I was qualified to hold a job and she doesn't even know who Bill Gates is! Immigration officers seem to all be high school drop outs who could only get jobs in the civil service...sounds a lot like HK!

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

Question: “Are you carrying pornography?”

Answer: "May be."

Depending on age, figure etc., one might be carrying "prospective pornography" under one's clothing.

[Lift Lurker]

Do you intendt to carry out terrorist activities while inside the US

Seriously, if a journalist can track down the real story of how this question become part of the form, he deserve a pulitzer prize.

I feel honored to be called 'Otis' even tho I feel it is blasphemous. I am not worthy of the name of such great man.

[TS]

We'll call you Kone then....

[Nury]

Otis Kone, I like that.
Or how about Otis Schindler? Perhaps bigger than Kone?

[farah]

will an item girl/guy who's lives live dangerously be listed as dangerous item? once the tick that yes they're carrying dangerous item, how will they show the proof?

[Angela]

He was born Otis K. Schindler but his friends call him Boy Elebetor and his Grandmother calls him Liftie and sometimes Ellie.

*

When applying for US Visa, I was asked if the person who invited me to visit is a “Man”.

Me: No, it’s a woman, her name is Alaine.

Officer: Isn’t that a French man’s name?

Me: Maybe, but this Alaine is an American Woman.

I could swear the guy was flirting with me so I flirted back and when I collected the visa, it is valid for 10 yrs :)

*

Coming back to San Diego from Tijuana, the young handsome immigration officer flipped through my passport, looked at his computer screen, then asked me, “What did you bring back from Mexico?”
Me: Tequila! In here…. (I Smiled at him and patted my belly)
He burst out laughing then handed me my passport and wished me a good day.

*

As a matter of policy, I never queue at the immigration counter manned by female officer. I consider that a self-defeating move.

[Angela]

Fardel, I forwarded my contact details on the email but didn't get any further reply from your end. Wassup?
I am just emerging from the gripping claws of jetlag so the events of past few days were a bit hazy.

[Jason]

How timely, anyone see this article today from India? "What is your caste?"

http://edition.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/asiapcf/06/27/india.census.caste/index.html?hpt=C1&fbid=bnm8ZMZMNWC

[Kim Parfitt]

Some years ago my husband was applying for a US visa. He's a bit vague, and to the questions 'Have you ever been a member of the communist party?', 'have you ever been a member of the German nazi party', and 'have you ever been convicted of drug dealing?', he answered 'Yes!'. The secretary spotted this before she actually posted it and phoned to ask whether he really meant it. He's always been puzzled and dismayed by her uncertainty.

[Ellie]

Your husband had a lucky escape. If that application had gone throughhe would be on a computer somewhere as a former nazi and he would never be allowed into the US.

[Ram]

A very related article to this post which I came to read this morning. A 6 year old girl is listed under the "No Fly" list by the US Homeland Security on the grounds of having suspected ties to terrorists.
http://news.indiainfo.com/the-six-year-old-terror-suspect-1365202.html

Probably "New-born" and "Yet-to-be Born" kids will also be put under terror suspect.

**************************************

@Jason,

I think the prime motive is to know a clear idea about the total number of people in each and every caste thereby the political parties can easily gain votes. The day we get rid of this caste and sub-caste system, our country will really prosper.

[Peter]

Nury, this is one of your funniest columns yet ! I'm going to dend to all my USA colleagues. Teh first time I flew to Australia I filled in the immigration form on the plane. I suddenly came to the question "Do you have a criminal record? " and asked my wife : " Is actually a REQUIREMENT to enter Ossie-Land ?"

I then started laughing so much at my own silly joke that the stewardesses came to see what the the problem was..... I still laugh every time I see that question on an Ossie immigration form

[grandpa aka Faye Libad aka fardel]

@grandma
i did not get it;
Maybe my spam flirter has determined that you would exercise terror on my person by wanting to marry me,
unless my filter has determined that you bring pornorgraphy
Those computers are as smart as immigration ( or aviation) questions
Please can you send it again?

[Mahjuja]

@Angela Whenever I complain indignantly, that the guy at immigrations held me up longer than my travelling companions, they smugdely reply that he was flirting with me. And you're saying that it's true? God, I'm going through immigrations in about a month, I hope the immigrations officer is a kind-hearted gay guy.

[TS]

In Finish "kone" means "machine", in Danish it means "wife", go figure...

[grandpa aka Faye Libad aka fardel]

@Mahjuja

Nope, you will end up married to an Immigration guy.

[Mahjuja]

Grandpa why do you curse me? Am I not one of your beloved granddaughters? :-(

[Christyn Rana]

When I went to Singapore from Nepal, I handed my nepalese passport and the nepalese officer asked ,'' Are you nepalese?''I had that want to answer, ''i actually stole that from a pretty girl i bashed outside. look at the photo. pretty huh.' Forced myself to crack a smile or I'd have to miss my flight and punch that fella's daylight out.

[Minkha]

A question I was asked by a US Immigration Officer at JFK:

- Why do you speak English?
Answer:
- Because I learned it at school.[in Poland]

The 2nd question:
- Why do they teach English in Poland?

As you can see, silly questions go beyond application forms. Immigration officers probably receive a special training to be able to emulate the style of visa applications in their interviews.

[sej]

I remember a friend of mine and her husband were traveling from Canada back to Hong Kong, but the plane was to land in Los Angeles to pick up more passengers.

When the plane landed in Los Angeles, they were marched off the plane, had to wait more than a week for an immigration hearing, not permitted to leave the US, and then at the hearing, had their green cards canceled, and then forced to leave the country.

All this, simply because they didn't fill out an entry card for the US, even though they had no intention of actually getting off the plane. As I understand it, the plane only stopped in LA to pick up passengers, so I fail to understand, why when they weren't even going to be getting off the plane, why they needed entry cards...

I remember flying to Phuket via KL from Sydney once... had to change flights in KL, but as we weren't going through customs or immigration, didn't have to do a thing, except find the next gate.

[Lift Lurker]

Let us be thankful that only immigration officers ask such questions.

There are so many other people who might copy them:

Neighborhood baker: Why did you buy 10 breads today but only 8 breads yesterday? What kind of jam will you put on this bread?

Taxi driver: How long have you two known each other? Is this destination her place or your place?

Travel agent: are you going to make terrorist act in this trip? Are this really your children?

Google: Why did you search for "Miley Cyrus?"

Arrival immigration officer: Did you perform terrorist act during your trip overseas?

Waiter: Why did you order white wine with this steak? Why do you know how to speak English?

If you need break from stupid question, take a ride on a Lift

[fardel]

Why does this elevator go to the 12 floor , but does not to stop for meat the 9 floor.
This is discrimination!

[fardel]

@Mahjuja

We , the older ones, see things that young people refuse to admit.....
This is why in countries of Wisdom , they choose the husband for their children
o(°_°)o
If I had married the girl my mum chose for me, I would have ten children,would have got a steady job in the same office in a place where sun shines ten days a year.
Sigh

[fardel]

What is surprising is that the counties who ask those questions were population by the criminals of the XVII century in Europe.
What happens to their offsprings.
They do not like to have competition?

[Chamin]

One of my Chinese friends applied for US visa (when in China) to present his work at a conference. This is what he was asked.

"Why are you going to the US?"

To present a research paper at ABC2003 conference."

Who else is accompanying you?"

"My supervisor."

"Then he can present on your behalf. Sorry, your application is rejected."

He chose Japan to study for his PhD.

[Mahjuja]

Ah! Grandpa you are so wise, if I marry an immigrations officer, I will be helping in the propagation of cyborgs, yes, now I see the good that will come of it all...or will I infuse some human genes into cyborgs?

[sej]

Mahjuja,

I think the story here, is Angela was flirting with the immigration guy, whereas the immigration guy was flirting with you... reverse situations.

Overall, and please correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem awfully down/pessimistic on guys being interested in you... I agree it can't always be a positive experience, but surely, it's not always a negative one either??

[Angela]

Sej is very perceptive. I admit I like flirting. It makes my day brighter. And I do it religiously. 

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Why is liftie using my photo now? He got my genes?

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About 2 wks ago at Frankfurt airport I was priviledged to be selected for random luggage inspection.

While one officer went through my lace thongs he found a plastic bag wrapped bottle and asked me what it was.  "fish sauce" i told him as I unwrapped and smelled it. He also smelled it then he dropped my lacy thongs in disgust. He asked me to open another bag for him to inspect. 

Meanwhile 2 of his colleagues walked in and started to look through our passports. One commented on the pink passport cover with the picture of hugging bears, it's my daughter's passport. 

Ich like the attention ;-)

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TS, the stepford wives must be part Finnished and part Danished :-)

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Usual immigration question: Do you have anything to declare?

Suggested answer: Yes, I declare that I am single and available

[Denis]

Really funny post, really funny comments, well done everyone, it's a classic.

[Vernette]

Visiting the US has never interest me. Maybe it's because of the intelligence of their immigration officers, the terrorists are let into their soil, without much hassle...??

**
I got this from a friend:

This girl friend of hers was in the washroom at the airport at some very remote area of Asia. And after the big business as she was about to flush, she bent over and reached for the flush handle, that was when her passport decided to take a dive into the toilet bowl... it was no doubt contaminated. She wiped it a bit (can't wash it, there are too many important stamps on it), and then put it in a zip lock bag -- it still stunk quite a bit.
She arrived at the immigration, handed her passport over to the officer. The officer found it difficult to flip the page, so he licked his finger a bit to make flipping the pages easier. Then the stamping and all and she was through.
Puzzled? Ya, it's one of those room that has an air-con blowing at the back of the officer at full swing that's why he couldn't smell it. The girl, almost laughed to death after she left the immigration.

**

On another note, it did not take much time for my husband and I to decide where we should register our marriage after looking at the visa application form for "Marriage Visitor"...

The first question:
What is the main purpose of your visit to the UK?

Then this part really interests me:
Part 7 - Travellers under the age of 18
(and I'm there trying to get married... ar... So I'm 15... I will stay there for 3 years until the day I get married?? Or the British will marry anyone at any age at all???)

Have fun with the form:
http://www.ukvisas.gov.uk/resources/en/docs/1903073/VAF1F

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

I had this conversation at a check-incounter of Singapore Airlines at Changi airport:

"So, you are going to Japan"

"Yes"

"But you are not Japanese."

"Right"

(unless the officer is illiterate, she should have know the answers to the above by looking at the ticket and the passport that I handed to her)

After a thorough check of the passport:

"Do you have visa to Japan?"

"Yes, on page 26"

"What are you doing there?"

"I am studying"

"Do you have a student ID?"

"Yup, here it is."

"It looks new" (meaning: may be you forget it)

"It is new"

I am not sure if a staff member at the check-in counter has the authority to check my student ID, but I wanted to get in the flight. After all, this is usual treatment for brown-skinned passengers there.

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

>(meaning: may be you forget it)
Ouch. I wanted to type (may be you forged it).

[sej]

Chamin,

Maybe she was trying to flirt with you?

[sej]

Vernette,

I checked the form, and got a bit of a giggle.

I'm pretty sure, though, in the UK the age of consent is 16, so even though you don't legally become and adult until 18, it actually does make at least some sense.

The bit I found interesting... Section 4 is asking you about your spouse, whilst section 8, is asking you about your spouse-to-be.

I'm moving to the UK. A western country that permits polygamy!!

Oh wait!! Hang on!! One's already too much, what would a second do to me??

(Oops, now I'm in trouble :-)

[Mahjuja]

Hmm... sej you are a very perceptive person (and intelligent), so maybe you could give me an explanation as to why I seem to always attract jerks, (basically stupid guys, with no intuition, and ones that actually keep expecting me to initiate something, by dropping indirect but obvious hints through other people, anonymous texts, etc. when I explicitly say I don't like them)? I won't even go into looks and personaltiy.

My friend's explanation is that decent guys are too decent to flirt. But then how do they end up with women? Do they have women picking them up or are all decent guys gay?

When I'm on this subject, Mr. Jam could you explain why guys in this part of the world never come out and say they're interested but go about dropping hints and basically expect the person THEY are interested in, will actually come and sort of propose to them, like- Hey I noticed you've been staring/sending anonymous texts/calls/spying on me at the office, so, do you want to go out/be a couple?

[Chamin]

Mahjuja,

I think most of the decent guys get their girls when something happens and girls need help. They usually help, and girls get to find out that they have been decent, not ignorant.

In graduate schools, software crashes are responsible for quite a few relationships :-p

[Mahjuja]

@ Charmin So, if you're saying I'll meet a decent software/computer engineer if my computer crashes, then do I have get sick to meet a decent doctor or go nuts to meet a decent psychiarist? How do I meet a decent architect, electrical or aeronautical engineer, a comedian, biologist, you get the picture? Do I have to get arrested to meet a decent attorney? What about the professors? LOL :D

[Mahjuja]

BTW I just realized, that I usually avoid asking men for help when I'm in trouble, unless they're married or at least going steady (with someone else).

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

Mahjuja,

Sorry, this method seems to work only when these guys offer to do things for free :-p. So, don't try getting sick to meet a good doctor. Graduate school is a good place for these things, because most students and postdocs have free time when they lack ideas for research.

Anybody knows what is meant by "decent attorney?" (warning: your head might blow up when you try to find the answer)

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

Sej,

May be she was trying to, and got annoyed that I came to the airport with a Malaysian female friend :-p.

[farah]

Mahjuja,

unless you try freeing up a bit ALL the guys will look like jerks! whenever we try to look for mr. right it's like we're always attracted to the wrong kinds.

some guys are like that who would post their number on facebook or msn statuses but deep down they do have a good heart (i have 2 or 3 friends in this category).

just give it time...eventually the right one will come up. i'm a firm believer of marriage being made in heaven. all it needs time and patience and the guts to turn down unwanted proposals.

[Mahjuja]

@ farah first of all, really loved that pic of yours, you look different-I never saw anyone wear the dupatta like that before, it looked like you were posing on the ramp or something!I just can't strike a pose, lack the grace for it-in general I'm very clumsy.

And secondly, are you trying to say even a guy who says looking for "a relationship" on his Face book page maybe a good guy and not a jerk? Because looking for a relationship on facebook doesn't really make much sense to me, I mean even looking for a one night stand on facebook makes more sense. I get kinda bewildered what with my parents going to roll up their sleeves pretty soon(for dragging me to the kazi) and once I say I do I'll be done for life and then I don't want to discover over my lifetime that I've really married a jerk...

[farah]

thanks :)

all of us have to go through the same slaughtering process and it's a unworthy risk but somehow we end up taking the plunge just for the sake of "family pressure"...you know how it is.

those guys in facebook...no worries! i give them the same treatment as well. go girl!

[Vernette]

@ Sej

"Section 4 is asking you about your spouse," -- some might just go there and re-register their marriage (I had to do it in HK and then in Malaysia)

but, when both Section 4 & 8 has to be filled out together, it might have been designed for Muslims (you know the Brits has serious fear of being interpreted as racists...)

@ Mahjuja

I wasn't used to asking for help - I used to do everything myself except for killing cockroaches. My husband trained me up -- he insists that he should be the one carrying everything but my handbag (this one, I insist). So at least now, I don't have to carry so many things when I go shopping.
It's alright to ask for help when you need one, doesn't really matter who you ask, maybe then you're able to see who actually cares. (I'd always avoided asking for help from an attached/married man - you just don't know how jealous the other half could get).

Your Mr. Right is out there somewhere, I'm sure. However, even Mr. Right could turn into Mr. Wrong after some time. It's a gamble unfortunately.

[Salehin Azad]

Nury, I wonder If they would ever allow you to get inside the USA or Britain if they read this.

[Chamin]

Hi Azad,

I think one good thing about these countries is that they generally do not try to take revenge on these things. This is not really the case when it comes to some countries in Asia, though.

[fardel]

" It's a gamble unfortunately."

No
it is called Russian roulette, with five bullets in the gun.....

If you are lucky you will only get injured.......

[fardel]

...........and recover