French: Asia’s secret language

A love affair with all things Gallic has long been a feature of the East

A HYSTERICAL WOMAN in Calgary, Canada, called police to report a burglary last week. The officer sent to the scene was Asian. Constable Charanjit Meharu, 37, listened as the victim pointed to the broken windows, footprints on the floor, and empty spaces where her valuables had been.

The phone rang. Speaking in French, the victim proudly told Papa in detail how she’d faked an enormous robbery (“Je fake une robberie enorme”) to fool the police and cheat her insurance company.

When she finished, India-born officer Meharu turned and said: “Merci beaucoup!” (which means “beg for mercy”) in French.

While she’d been describing her methods on the phone, he had jotted down 10 pages of notes, so that he could try the same scam himself.

No, wait, I mean, so he could arrest her.

He told his colleagues afterwards: ““She didn’t expect a brown guy to speak French!”

Yes, brown guys are FULL of surprises, as a police officer said the last time I was arrested.
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Asians love the French. We pay homage to the world’s finest culture by adopting charming French traditions, such as keeping mistresses, smoking ourselves to death, breathing garlic on strangers, shrugging our shoulders when faced with a problem, spitting on the pavement, etc.

Knowledge of French recently helped Taiwan-based reader Danny Bloom solve some mysteries.

Why is “pho”, the most famous Vietnamese food item, pronounced “fur”? Because it’s probably from the French term for “hotpot”, which is “pot de feu”.

Vietnamese for cake is “ga to” (from the French “gateau”), and soap is “xa bong” (from the French “savon”).
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Some Vietnamese speak a real-life “Franglais” dialect called Francais Tay Boi, which means “French of the servant boys”.

For example, if you pay your staff member late, he will say: “Vous pas argent moi stop travail!” This means: “You no money me stop work.” (It’s completely different to what real French people would say: “Si vous ne me payez pas, j'arrêterai de travailler.”)
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One of Your Humble Narrator’s mothers (my father had three wives) was French, so I picked up some idioms.

“The carrots are cooked” means: “That’s it, I’m outta here.”

“I have the bumblebee” means: “I’m SO miserable.”

“Halt the chariot” means: “You’re bluffing.”

“It is the end of the beans” means: “That’s the last straw.”

I tried hard to use them, telling her: “Le carrot being totalement over, je feels TRES bumblebee, so halt le beans not to mention le chariot, Maman.”

She thought I was mad.
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Some idioms don’t translate. When Frenchwomen get annoyed, they say: “Ciel mon mari”, which means “Sky my husband.”
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To sound colloquial, throw the word “cow” into your speech at random intervals. “T’es vachement beau” means, literally, “You are cowishly beautiful.” Warning: Guys, do NOT simplify this to: “You are as beautiful as a cow.” Except possibly in India, where it could be a compliment, depending on who’s listening.
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But be prepared for a challenge. French isn’t easy for Asian tongues. “Uncle, did your tea take away your cough?” is “Tonton, ton thé t'a-t-il ôté ta toux?”
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Here are common mistakes Asians make when speaking French.

“Coup de grace” does not mean “cut the grass”.

“Moi aussi” does not mean “I am Australian.”

“Pas de deux” does not mean “Father of two”.

Bon chance.

Au revoir.
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(Illustration: left: fardel; right, Vietnamese woman by Jeremy Couture)
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Technorati Tags: French,Vietnamese,tay boi,Franglais,humor

Comments

[Siva]

nice pic of fardel

[Mahjuja]

Uh, Mr. Jam, was your dad trying to reinforce the common assumption that muslims have four wives? Or was he trying to emulate Akbar by having multicultural spouses to promote intercultural relations? I think being married to more than one woman would not be conducive to any sort of relation!

Merci Beaucoup means 'beg for mercy'? And all this time I thought it meant- 'thank you very much'! I must get a refund for that french course I took.

On the same note, in Bangladesh, beykoub means idiot/numbskull and it sound nearly like beaucoup, so once when I said "Merci beaucoup" to my cousin, another little one (cousin too) explained that it meant I was calling her an idiot. Well at least that's less threatening than 'beg for mercy'!

[Dancer Arroyo]

After studying Romeo and Juliet with some students, one kid put up his hand and asked, 'so why didn't Juliet love that French guy?'
'What French guy?' I asked.
'Paris'

[farah]

french sounds weird, looks similar and when attempting to speak comes out entirely different!

i scrambled when i had to learn grammer and never went back. the only french i remember is to count 1-10 and merci. i can still read though but not understand anything.

hey fardel,

do you by any chance have any cousin/brother named robert (or bob) who stays in US?

[Jason]

Freddy Benson: I didn't steal any money! She just saw me with another woman! You're French, you understand that!

Inspector Andre: To be with another woman, that is French. To be caught, that is American.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095031/quotes

[vincent kong]

I have learnt Dutch while working in THe Netherlands. One time I was in a lift in the Beijing Hilton and in came 2 Dutchmen, a little confused over which floor they needed to go to the conference room. When I directed them in Dutch the expression on their faces was priceless - whoever would think that a chinaman in Beijing speaks Dutch!

[Dinu]

What is french fries in French?

[Vernette]

Not trying to show off here, but when my x-boss (who interviewed and hired me) saw the number of languages I actually speak, "This is a show off you know"... Err... What to do? I'm a Malaysian Chinese, we grow up speaking multiple languages (but not French though... it's too complicated -- almost everything has a gender identity)

[grandpa aka Faye Libad aka fardel]

This is funny..
I wrote the following after reading it in the Standard.
I shall write another comment later .
This is too funny...I need a tranquilizer to stop shaking with laughter

<< But before I bore you with explanations , let me bear down on you with an explanation.
"Les carottes sont cuites" was a message from the BBC , telling the underground movements that the days of the III Reich were over :D Day was starting.
It was an order to the Resistance to destroy railways , preventing the Germans to send reinforcements to Normandy.
It resonates as a great moment to the people who knew the war .
Ìt has become an expression: stating :your day are counted, you will soon be history, Kaputt!

ciel mon mari
is still much in use:
Usually it is pronounced by a woman , opening the window to her lover so that he can jump out..

it means: Take to the sky ! my husband is coming for you
obviously there is not parachute or elevator mentioned there
The smart move being to

garder le mari pour le chic, l'amant pour le choc et le Sheik pour le chèque

French is very easy
Try that:
Un chasseur qui sait chasser, va à la chasse sans son chien
or this one
les chaussettes de l'archiduchesse sont elles sèches , archisèches ?

Coup de grace translate into Hara Kiri in Nepalese ( or is it in singaporean?)

For those who want a guaranteed success with ladies:
"T'as d'beaux yeux, tu sais!
Dommage que tes narines les cachent"

Hey

Tonton. t'aurais pas oublié le téléphone de mémé?>>

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

When Tokyo governor once joked that"French fails as international language because it can't count numbers," most French expats here got mad.

But then, I am not sure if many languages go like "seventy-seven, seventy-eight, seventy-nine, four-twenty,.. " (that was where I stopped learning how to count in French).

[grandpa aka Faye Libad aka fardel]

Uncle

How dare you put my picture next to a beautiful lady who is not ..............Grandma.

The fact that she is not there is NOT an excuse.......
How dare you?!?!
Are you trying to start a global war?
By the way;;;
who is this nice lady, nest to me.....?
Is she one of these numerous new (lady) commentators who did not post their pictures yet?
Can you introduce us?
i am looking for a foster mother for my 18 years old daughter.
Any candidates?

[Ellie]

lovely pic of fardel

[grandpa aka Faye Libad aka fardel]

@Farah
"french sounds weird, looks similar and when attempting to speak comes out entirely different!"
The french language is a reflexion of the French people: weird, looks similar and when attempting to speak come out entirely different!

Ii do not know any cousin in the US but it could be.... as you may have read in a column where Uncle Nury ( and the rest of the gang) picked on me ,,eons back.......

[grandpa aka Faye Libad aka fardel]

@Chamin
the French language (or culture) is like a soup, or a cocktail.;
every invader have left its marks with words or expression
from the Kelts :a fardel
from the Romans ;the basic grammar
from the Arabs : the numbers
from the Americans, the rejection of foreigners , unless they are colored -skinned , but not too much.
from them all : an aversion to anybody who is a foreigner, starting with daughter-in-law, especially if she is from the next village.
From the British: the disdain to foreign food unless it comes from a country populated by color-skinned people but no too much
from the Italians , the art of love making
From the Spanish , the art of cheating
From Asia.. the attraction to asians
From africans , the art of system D
From the Nazys: the systematic opposition of what is imposed on them, especially if it comes from younger people ( unless they come from a country populated by color-skinned people but no too much;and only if they are attractive, from the opposite sex.)
in this case, arrangements can be made , after a "night's thinking it over", what your grandma call an ONS (One Night Solution)

If you want to understand the French( the people , not the language ) you should read Asterix; It is very modern

No , uncle Nury
Asterix is NOT a novel
No , uncle Nury
I did not write it

[grandpa aka Faye Libad aka fardel]

@Dinu
What is french fries in French?
It is very good, and tastes better.
Frites

[Moon Starer]

I speak french, though not much. Incident with our french teacher when we were amateurs, and we had to read out loud a basic paragraph:
"Mme Rosa aime bleu." prounounced "Mameh Rosa aim-eh blahyoo."
"Elle aime jaune aussi." pronounced "Ail aim-eh ja-oo-neh auwssi."

[Mahjuja]

@ fardel, okay, we understand you're having a field day here but, I couldn't get any of the french comments you wrote. Hope you will be amicable to my imposition here, as you have mentioned above...

plus, I sense you are trying to make a french triangle here...well maybe grandma will not mind, being the bold one she is.

Oh and, thanks to vernette, I remembered the gender thing in french-that's what lost my interest in french. Apparently even in a crowd of women, if there is one male, they have to be addressed as a he! Fardel, does that hold even for a group of pregnant women if any one of them is expecting a boy? And what is the gender of this column?

[Starlit]

Moon starer
it should be:
Madam Rosa aimeh blur

no wonder you did not so well in french

mind you i am not much better

fardel, i love asterix too

[Ram]

I think Spanish is similar in case of using gender... Even chairs and tables have gender (Both are feminine)...

[TS]

If no one are about to mention the metric system, I will.

....and I just did...

[Chamin]

Hm, now you tell me :o). Asterix was my favorite since I was a child, but reading them as an adult seems more educating. I have a couple of books with me, I guess I should look for others.

[Chamin]

Mahjujah,

You ask really good questions :o)

>does that hold even for a group of
>pregnant women if any one of them is >expecting a boy?
I think I am going to laugh an hour over this one.

[Christyn]

who wants to know what's french fry in nepalese? no one? still anyway, its prench pry. just learnt from my self-declaring popular-in-school-with-girls brother that he took up french as a second language and the teacher tried to translate a french sentence and uttered ''i make road''. now my brother has problem with english also. we are considering that he take up mongolian.

[Mahjuja]

@ Christyn How about swahili?

[fardel]

Here is another one
Pâté: an exquisite french dish that some lucky commentators have shared on a roof when I was in Hong Kong
Patée ( same pronounciation as the previous one): canned food for dogs or cats
Pâtée : today's French victory in the world cup, maybe the taste is a litlle more bitter than the previous pâtés.
@Mahjuja
what was the question?
Yes i am having a field day.
Uncle Nury knew what to expect , bringing up this that subject.
But do not worry.
Your turn will come

[fardel]

@Mahjuja
what do you call a French triangle ?
It is not in my knowledge of the english language.

[Lift Lurker]

When I was young strapping lad, I tried to learn French.

It is not because I think it's beautiful language (it is so fine and elegant, but is not he reason).

Its because many of my heroes were French (Inspector Clouseau, Monsieur Poirot, Monsieur Tin Tin, etc)

This is before time of internet.

Or French on TV and radio.

So I learned from books. I learned French phonetically. After 2 years I met French person and I find out the French sound of word is never the same as the spelling.

Does Grandpere know the reason why it's so different? Why do you use so many letters?

Why do you read "esprit de corps" as "asp(gurgle)iduco(gurgle)"

[Dancer Arroyo]

I tried to learn French from my sister before. All she was willing to teach me was:
'glace' for ice cream;
'pan' for bread;
'chocolat' for chocolate; and
's'il vous plait' for please.
She said to me, 'You only need these 4 words. Just do combinations and you'll never be hungry.'

[farah]

please is an universal word that solves all the problems in world (well...almost). so why would anyone have to use s'il vous plait when it's hard to pronounce and comes out gibberish?

[grandpa aka Faye Libad aka fardel]

@Lift Lurker
"Does Grandpere know the reason why it's so different? Why do you use so many letters?"
Probably for the same reason that Chinese is such an easy language
@ Farah
"please is an universal word that solves all the problems in world (well...almost). so why would anyone have to use s'il vous plait when it's hard to pronounce and comes out gibberish?"
Just because English is not the universal language, or most spoken language yet .
Plus, it is more Classy to say s'il vous plaît......
Of course if you were to say it in front of a chinese,Japanes , south American, you would be out of place.

[Chamin AKA Maria Chaminda Veneracion DeJesus III]

> Why do you use so many letters?
I think the French invaders stole consonants from French Polynesia, but did not know how to use them. As a result, French has consonants that are never pronounced and Polynesian languages now have words like "Waiiiaayuulaaufiine" :-p

[Mahjuja]

Oh c'mon, fardel, answer the question about what gender would be used to address a group of pregnant women if even one of them were expecting a boy?!
I'm really intrigued to know.

[fardel]

@Mahjuja

We would use the feminine gender, as English speaking men do when they talk about their cars, their boats or their airplanes ( may be their elevators as well).
French women would never accept that
If one of the women is expecting a boy , we would use elles (they , female gender).
We she no longer expects him, we expect to call them "ils" (they, male), but only after the boy is no longer a baby or even , an infant.

You did not answer me question about the french triangle

[fardel]

When she no longer expects him, we expect to call them "ils" (they, male), but only after the boy is no longer a baby or even , an infant.

[Karuna aka Kaye Moreno]

Nury
why is the pretty Vietnam girl pointing to Fardel ?

[Mahjuja]

@ fardel well at least there's some decency! I still think it's unfair that a whole crowd of women is to be addressed as "ils" even if there is just one man among them, even if it's Monsieur Fardel!

And french triangle (I think it's called french bedroom triangle...) is essentially, man, wife and mistress or the "sky, my husband" thing. I saw this term a long time ago so, it's a bit foggy.

[fardel]

There is no such a thing as a French triangle;
we like to keep our things square

[fardel]

"T'as d'beaux yeux, tu sais!
Dommage que tes narines les cachent"

this is a line which French boys tell foreign Show off boys:How to impress a lady on the first line:
It says
You have beautiful eyes , you know...
It is a pity that your nostrils hide them

The result is vachement comic

[Mahjuja]

@ fardel yeah, yeah. But the french have a reputation that implies otherwise! Maybe it is an american fantasy, like the wistfulness with which the men presume that all muslims have four wives...

[kartini]

@fardel: that is as bad as the Tokio Hotel group teaching other people some words in German, that meant, 'show me your plum'.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDB0DalBQoE