Music for torturers

A playlist of songs which have been used as weapons

SO. FORMER DICTATOR Manuel Noriega is back in the news, about to stand trial. Memories flood back. I remember Noriega as the first person to be officially tortured by music.

I say officially, because the first people to be UNofficially tortured by music were my parents. When I was three, our domestic helper taught me how to use the record player and I played my only disc (Like I Do by Nancy Sinatra) for hours until my parents promised me anything. As a toddler, my needs were few: ice cream, toys, my own credit card, a Ferarri Spider with whitewall tyres and a vacation home on the Cote D’Azure. (Thanks, Nancy!)
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Noriega survived numerous gun battles and wars in South America. But in 1989 troops in Panama blasted him with a Rick Astley single (“Never Gonna Give You Up”). He dropped his guns and came out shellshocked. Who wouldn’t? (I’m not making this up.)
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In 1997, a rogue police chief in Hong Kong tried the same trick, but flubbed it. He trucked in huge speakers and blasted a pro-democracy group with music. Unfortunately, he chose a rather good recording of Beethoven’s Fifth (I think it was Carlos Kleiber conducting the Vienna Philharmonic). The democrats stayed put and hummed along.
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In 2003, US soldiers tortured suspects in Guantanamo Bay by playing loud music for days non-stop. Here’s the playlist.

First they scared them with a creepy song, “Enter Sandman” by Metallica.

Then they disturbed them with “Bodies” by Drowning Pool, which consists largely of a man screaming: “Let the BODIES hit the FLOOR.”

But they finally broke their spirits with the Barney theme song: “I love you; you love me; we’re a happy family, with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you. Won’t you say you love me too?”

Other items on torturers’ playlists: Eminem’s “White America” and Bruce Stringsteen’s “Born in the USA”.  (Pic above from New Statesman.)
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When Metallica’s James Hetfield was asked whether he minded his songs being used for torture, he said: "We've been punishing our parents, our wives, our loved ones with this music forever. Why should the Iraqis be any different?"

Barney would no doubt say the same thing.
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Personally, I would like to see ALL wars fought with pop music from now on.

If North Korea sinks more ships, we give them an ultimatum. Say sorry like you mean it within three days or we hit you with “I’m a Barbie Girl” by Aqua.

Miss the deadline and we unleash Asian singers such as Canto-pop’s Hacken Lee or India’s Hasseena Maan Jaayegi on you.

Fail to surrender and we roll out the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus.

The ultimate weapon, our Hiroshima bomb, would be Britney Spears’ version of “Satisfaction”.

Come to think of it, maybe nuclear weapons are preferable. They are not so painful and cause less long-term damage to the planet.
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I mentioned this in the coffee shop and a guy with an iPod said: “Scientists are working on creating the most unlistenable song ever.”

I asked what it was called.

He said: “Anything by Justin Bieber.”

I wouldn’t disagree with that.
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Technorati Tags: tortue music,barney,Springsteen,Eminem,Drowning Pool,Metallica,Justin Bieber

Comments

[Paul]

I wonder if Mr. Astley realizes what a legend he is as an internet meme via Rickrolling

I have been Rickrolled twice in my explorations on the YouTube thus far, but some of my friends in the states actively seek them out.

I have yet to actually hear a Justin Bieber song though, not that I intend to go out of my way to hear one. But for sure there are some sickly sweet Canto-pop songs from Hong Kong that I think could very easily end up on an audio torture playlist.

[farah]

heyy not a bad idea...

the next time someone is angry with me barney's rendition of 'i love you....' would be superb! maybe i should try that with my mom first... ^_*

[Elena]

SONGS THAT CAN BE USED AS WEAPONS:

1) I never promised you a rose garden
2) Achy breaky heart
3) I Want Candy

[Dinu]

does anyone have an idea about what music i could play at work to torture my boss into raising my pay?

...apart from "We Are the World..." That didn't work.

[Christy aka Miss-Conception]

Cantonese Opera would have made all the terrorists spill their beans.

My mom's playing it in the living room right this minute :D

Why do they always have to sing in squeaky voices and speak unnaturally?!

[fardel]

"Europa" by Santana (1976) in a loop is a guaranteed torture.
If we play it long enough,the devil should come out of his box
oops ,Lift Lurker should come out of his lift.

@Uncle nury
I like the new presentation but I am not happy.
everybody is nice looking , but you chose one of my worst picture.
Just add a feather headdres , long hair and I would look like a red skinned Indian on a war path.

[Nury]

Fardel, send me your favorite picture of yourself and I will put it on the sidebar!

[Mahjuja]

I know are very own Banglaedshi pop music which would do VERY well as torture music- songs like Disco Bandar (monkey) by Mila, Babu ram shapure by same, Hirdoy Khan songs, and of course bukta faitta jai by Momtaz. Does anybody have any comments?

[Ram]

now,we need some song to bring back missing Angela (Not seen after last wednesday)....Any specific song???

[peter]

I think "Born in the USA" is the ultimate torture weapon. Never heard any "music" (except) cowbells that's so boring and repetitive ( and loud) .Personally, I prefer cowbells. As an alternative - and with some added interest - try a medley of Craig Davies ( Davis?) and try to spot the minute differences between the songs

[farah]

@ Mahjuja,

i love disco bandor by mila. i have it completely memorized which i use it as my ultimate weapon of mass destruction.

[ECual]

So that's the reason why all the k-pop artist is banished on the other side of the fence. That's ILL.

I would go for enigma's Return to innocence side by side with Culture Club's Do you really wanna' hurt me.

[Christyn]

tell that rogue police chief in Hong Kong to use ''L to the double O, S, E, R''. Gave a whole new spelling to the word 'loser'. Rap by a female band hailing from the country of Yours Truly, Nepal. Hey, it's the most watched nepalese music video. Maybe I should omit ''music'' from the previous sentence.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1CfMi9qLA4&feature=PlayList&p=1EDE41AC93078447&playnext_from=PL&playnext=1&index=41

[Neau Kname]

playing miley's "party in the usa" would definitely be more efficient than "born in the usa" if you want to torture people. i found that out from the little girl i babysit.

[tamanna]

mahjuja apu..u missed o tunir ma of shorifuddin(infact all of his songs are!)..balam's & habib's songs..

and i have already tried convincing few of my school friends with the barney song..works like magic..!

[Mahjuja]

Fortunately for me I never heard O tunir ma! But I did have to sit through, 'Himalay' by some khaled guy and 'Boruna'by Mahdi, Oh the horror! while on the Dhaka-Ctg coach!

Mr. Jam there is an interesting example of torture in Bangladesh, you see the inter-city 'luxury' coaches have TVs in them but the stuff played on the TVs is pathetic! People have complained abt travelling with their parents/kids and having to sit through videos of rauncy hindi movie songs like those of Bipasha Basu and the likes. I travelled a lot between two cities these past years and I swear if I ever even hear 'Baby's Day Out' is playing, I'm gonna run screaming! I have lost count of the number of times I had to sit through it! Maybe torturers should just make their 'subjects' travel on these buses.

This also makes me reminiscent of how after the movie Titanic, I felt like I was being tortured by the song 'My Heart will go on' it was playing everywhere, all the time...always on MTV.

[tamanna]

u should reallllly listen to o tunir ma..haha..its in youtube..and dhaka-rangpur coaches tortures me a lott playing all those stupid habib songs..argh..i have even shouted at the bus guide to stop it few times..

[Mike]

"If we play it long enough,the devil should come out of his box
oops ,Lift Lurker should come out of his lift."

Lift Lurker is impervious to music torture. He listens to muzak all day for Cripes sake.

[fardel]

@Nury

There is no such a thing as best picture of me!
sigh!

Am I wrong or do we have a gang from Bangladesh?

[tamanna]

aah well..yes!

[fardel]

Yes ,there was a better picture
Thanks

There was Nury and the gang
Now we have Farah and the Bang Lah
Desh!

[Boonslang]

Its true.. Its true.. the South Koreans has used pop music as a weapon of mass distraction. Over the destroyer sinking, recently SK resumed blasting their border propaganda on mega speakers with a 4 hour long broadcast which included the songs 'HUH' from K-Pop girl band 4Minutes (lyrics included "I do what I want, when I want" and "Baby, I do what I please,") and public service announcements on the dangers of overeating..

[Ram]

@Nury,

Seems u have a great chance to become the next mark zuckerberg...

[Ram]

Nowadays, there are a lot of nasty comments from unknown users here...I dont know why they want to use this forum to post their weird comments...

[Mahjuja]

Yeah, I think because Mr. Jam and gang are so open-minded and accepting, that LOSERS with a capital 'L' thought they were also welcome here...

@Mr. Jam, do u have any system to remove the more offensive ones? Or maybe u could install one of those softwares u were describing in '1000 jailed for using bad words'.

[Grandpa aka Faye Libad aka Fardel]

@Mahjuja
You are right.
But how can we stop uneducated brats from commenting here, when it takes them hours to type the only words they have in they vocabulary .
Some people are totally incapable to go beyond four letter-words, and they are so coward ,that they use internet to stay hidden behind their computers.
Poor guys
No education,No future...

[Denis]

All comment columns have a mixture of smart people and idiots on them.

I don't mind a few idiots in this space, this website has an unusually high proportion of warm intelligent people, just ignore the odd loser who wanders in.... that's my 10 cents worth of wisdom anyway...

One thing that intrigues me. I have looked up many lists of hated music, worst music, etc, and they mostly feature music that was once popular and considered excellent, but which then was overplayed and became disliked.

For example, the theme from Titanic. When I first heard it, I found the lonely wind instrument at the beginning, and the lovely Irish feel about it, and the memory of the hero's death, all made it a rather moving song.

But as Mahjuja says, by now it has been overplayed and I don;t want to hear it again.

There should be separate lists of good songs that are spoiled by lazy deejays who overplay them, and songs that are intrinsically bad in themselves.

There used to be a singer called David Essex who was good looking but could not write a song to save his life. His songs were hits because he looked so good but were irredeemable.

[farah]

let's not forget how the classics are remixed with heavy beats and new vocals to make it appealing to X generations. for me classics should be left untouched, the songs were meaningful and melodious.

[Dinu]

In case you didn't know, Mr. Fardel, the only trouble with Bang Lah Desh is too many people in a small place. This applies everywhere in the country from the family dining room to the Parliament building to the internet hang out spots like Mr. Jam's comment section.
So its not unusual for some to be left out, without choice. Sometimes thats a good thing, you'd know if you read the papers.

Another thing is that the gangs are hard to find in the crowd. Best bet is, there is no gang at all. Relax.

[sej]

I'm not sure if this belongs here on this column, or on the tourism slogans column... it's kind of apt for both...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82n1PX1hVEY

[shrynne]

or Peter Andre's 'Mysterious girl', i'd say Barney's 'i love you, you love me' could go head to head with Peter andre...

[Mahjuja]

@ Fardel and Denis, you guys are right. I think this was bound to happen with Mr. Jam lamenting and dedicating a whole post to the lack of stupid readers and commentors on his blog.

;-)

[Grandpa aka Faye Libad aka Fardel]

@Sej
good post
This ad is beautiful , the song is terrible......
But
Maybe I should move there....

@Mahjuja
Are you becoming the librarian of this blog, knowing everything which has been said, when it was posted and who wrote it?
Or Are you the new Spy from Bengla Desh

@angela
Catch up with your work fast so that we can enjoy your comments (please be reminded that two teenagers are waiting for your words of wisdom about a cup of coffee )
We are impatiently waiting for them too.( the words ,not the teenagers)

[Mahjuja]

@ fardel Was that a complement? If not, well sorry, sometimes when I don't have anything much creative with which to write my comments, I try to emulate Mr. Jam and write abt what other people have said. Why bother? Because here- I comment, therefore I am. :-)

[Grandpa aka Faye Libad aka Fardel]

@Mahjuja

Old timers like me do not understans sms lagnauge
I do not undestand abt,
is it albiet, about, abbott?

Not a complement , but you can take it as a compliment if you like.

[sej]

Fardel,

It is aaltucly qutie azamnig waht the hmaun brian can uertnnadsd. You jsut need to gvie it a cchane.

[Mahjuja]

Yeah, I agree with sej, when I was first exposed to sms/internet language after I became connected online with my friends I was completely lost. Then after sometime I became acclimatized, I think the idea sej is conveying here is this study which stated that as long as the first and last letters of a word are in their proper place, people can actually indentify them.

*abt=about
*complement-was a misspell, I meant compliment, mixed-up with an economic term.

[Grandpa aka Faye Libad aka Fardel]

ls sms e fcl a cpdr pr ki prle et cmprd la lge utlse pr la dscsn.

[Mahjuja]

Was that cryptic french with a vengence? Maybe sej would like to take up this challenge...

[fardel]

No
It is plain sms language, French....As you have guessed.
Very easy to understand , as you said
The point is , we , foreigners , addicted to these very entertaining and , relaxing columns might not be familiar enough with the English language to understand its " shortened version"

so you are a teacher , too
@Uncle
Is this a University you are starting?

[Lift Lurker]

I think we experiencing what our ancestors experienced when their children first started saying: "you" instead of "thou" or "thee".

Son: How are you Mama?

Mother: "You?!?!?" What couldeth be wrong with mine child? Wherefore didst thou learn to speaketh as such?

Son: T'is the new way of speaking Mama.

[Mahjuja]

@fardel The Mr. Jam University of Wit and Satire.

[fardel]

Here is some music for torturers ;
the torture is not ithe music , the torture is in :
The beat , for workaholics
the girls (for those of you you have never seen women is their splendor )
the beach for those who live between tower
the sun for those who see it twelve days a year
the island , for those who live in a crowded place.
the warm temperature for those who live in the cold...

Life is not fair............
Everything is on this video, shot less than a mile from my house.....
and the best is................my airport at 0:13 seconds , with my house on the left
Aaaaaaargh