The truth about the iPad

 

At last it can be told: how a revolutionary device was created

AN ASTONISHING NEW product called the iPad is popping up at shops all over the world, including on the street outside my office.

What does it do?

I don’t know.

How did it come to exist?

That I CAN reveal. It all started with this scene at the headquarters of Apple Computers 18 months ago.
*
 

Two engineers are working on a MacBook laptop.

Thud!

First engineer: “Oh no. The keyboard just fell off.”

Second engineer: “I got some glue somewhere.”

First engineer: “It would be just my bad luck if the door opened and Steve walked in right now.”

The door opens and their boss Steve Jobs walks in.

Steve: “So, what do you have there, guys? I hope it’s something cool and revolutionary.”

First engineer: “Er, yes, boss. It’s the first, er, keyboard-free laptop.”

Steve: “Interesting! But how do you type on it? You know everyone hates pressing on-screen keys.”

Second engineer: “Er, you buy a keyboard separately.”

Steve: “Sweet! I’m giving you two a pay rise and upgrading you to the monitor department.”
 

TWO WEEKS LATER.

First engineer: “Oh no.”

Second engineer: “What’s wrong?”

First engineer: “I fed the wrong coordinates into the computer-aided design program. This flat-screen monitor has come out ludicrously small. It would be just my bad luck if Steve walked in right now.”

The door opens and Steve walks in.

Steve: “What have you got there, guys? I hope it’s something cool and revolutionary.”

First engineer: “Er, yes, boss. It’s a new, portable flat screen TV.”

Steve: “But isn’t it too small for a family to watch movies on?”

Second engineer: “Everyone else has big flat screen TVs, but ours is deliberately too small. That’s the cool part.”

Steve: “Sweet! I’m giving you two a pay-rise and upgrading you to the iPod department.”

  

TWO WEEKS LATER.

First engineer: “Blast it.”

Second engineer: “What’s wrong?”

First engineer: “I was trying to make a new iPod Touch and forgot to change inches to centimeters in the computer-aided design program. The thing has come out embarrassingly oversized. It would be just my bad luck if…”

Steve walks in.

Steve: “What have you got there, guys? I hope it’s something cool and revolutionary.”

First engineer: “It’s a giant iPod Touch.”

Steve: “How do you get it in your pocket?”

Second engineer: “You can’t. You have to lug it around with your hands or in a bag. That’s the cool thing about it.”

Steve: “Sweet! I’m giving you two a pay-rise and upgrading you to the iPhone department.”

TWO WEEKS LATER:

Second engineer: “Steve’s coming. Have we got anything to show him?”

First engineer: “Let’s just show him these leftovers from our previous assignments.”

Steve walks in.

Steve: “What have you got there, guys? I hope it’s something cool and revolutionary.”

Second engineer: “Yeah, it’s a giant iPhone which is too big to hold up to your ear, so you can’t make calls on it. It doubles as a laptop with the keyboard broken off. At the same time, it’s an IPod Touch which you can’t fit into your pocket, and a flat screen TV that’s too small for the family to watch movies on.”

Steve: “Sweet!”
*
And so the iPad was born.

*
*
*

Technorati Tags: ipad humor,ipad jokes,apple humor

Comments

[Paul]

...Epilogue:

Third engineer walks into a bar with something that looks like an iPhone, but doesn't quite act like one.

He gets drunk and leaves it behind where it is found and sold to a tech blog...

...then David Letterman found out about it and put it all into perspective.

[Dancer]

Yep, even my 90-year-old grandmother asked me whether or not she should get one the other day and she doesn't even know how to use a computer. That's definitely some perspective.

[kartini]

Did you watch the episode on Oprah Winfrey about Microsoft? Apparently when Microsoft first came out, their marketing was sssoooo good, that people started rushing to get the software, even though they had no idea what they were buying. Yes, before the economic crisis, there were people who could shell out US200, without knowing what they were buying.

[Ranil Bibile]

Well folks. Here is one use for the iPad. It helps to sell Blendtec blenders. Watch Tom Dickson (possibly the 4th engineer) enjoy himself at:

http://www.blendtec.com/willitblend/videos.aspx?type=unsafe&video=ipad

or at:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lAl28d6tbko

[sej]

Wow! I don't think I would have done that outside of a fume cabinet... Can you imagine how many cancers that guy's now going to have?

[Nury]

Your video about a guy sticking his iPad in a blender and powdering it to dust definitely counts as "very silly", well done!

But it is amazing how many people are talking about this device which is (I hate to say it) clearly unnecessary.

Anyway, thanks for the ideas -- I expect some feedback from iPad fans like Denis/ Dennis who will put me straight.

By the way, Ram, if you are reading this, can you drop me an email? nury@vittachi.com -- i want to use one of your comments in the newspaper...

Commenter Fardel is in Hong Kong until Sunday now -- I'm planning to organize something social on Saturday -- drop me a line, anyone who is in HK on Saturday and would like to join us...

[Chamin]

That's a nice story, and much better than loads of technical articles that get forwarded around these days.

My opinion is that one does not need an iPad, in place of what he/she is already using. But it can sure be used for doing new things. I am sure that I can publish something with an iPad :o)

By the way, does anyone know whether we have to take iPads out of the bag during airport security checks? If not, I will go for one in place of my laptop!

[Karuna]

The laptop keyboard is one of the worst ergonomic design. Can not type for long without getting a sore neck.
The design of i-Pad is in the right direction.
It has been my ideas to design something similar. Steve as usual has stolen my ideas and is making the money.

[Karuna]

Nury
We should plan "anti-social" activities with Fardel on Saturday. As a group, we all
* walk backwards
* jump inside elevators
* squat inside upmarket shopping center

[Angela]

darn it! sounds like you guys are gonna have some anti-social fun and I will miss it :( I should go dig up some worms now.

Hey, isn't TS the iPad guy?

Must admit I was curious about this new gadget but later realized that I really don't need it. My 4-yr old ibook is still serving me well.

[sej]

It's been around for a few weeks now, read it's obsolete now already, and I still haven't heard anyone really be able to tell me what you can actually do with it!

Karuna,

I like your anti-social ideas... wish I could be there. As for your iPad being the right way to go? Well, if you can tell me the iPad can do the things my laptop can do, then I might get one.

Coincidentally, with any luck, ie., if I can actually manage to get paid for the work I do, I might be in Hong Kong at the end of the year, do you think the flight crew and other passengers might get a bit upset if I get out my laptop and joystick, and fly Sydney to Hong Kong on the flight simulator whilst actually sitting in the aircraft flying from Sydney to Hong Kong?

[Karuna]

Sej, With present laptops, we are stuck with the keyboard. With a i-pad "like" device, we get the freedom to choose keyboards and how we position it.
Do see, there is some more innovation required to get it right. Especially, with using the display + keypad when traveling in a plane, etc.
May be a Taiwanese companies will make what I am thinking of.

[sej]

It's been around for a few weeks now, read it's obsolete now already, and I still haven't heard anyone really be able to tell me what you can actually do with it!

Karuna,

I like your anti-social ideas... wish I could be there. As for your iPad being the right way to go? Well, if you can tell me the iPad can do the things my laptop can do, then I might get one.

That said, here is a very interesting demo from Microsoft from about a year ago now, I think. Unfortunately, Microsoft's marketing is crap, and so I'm not sure this is ever really going to make it to market, but if it makes it soon, the idiotPad doesn't stand a chance.

http://www.viddler.com/explore/engadget/videos/1174/

If I'm lucky enough that I can actually manage to get paid for the work I do, I might be in Hong Kong at the end of the year... (don't hold your breath though)... Do you think the flight crew and other passengers might get a bit upset if I startup my flight simulator on my laptop whilst actually sitting in the aircraft flying from Sydney to Hong Kong? (Just a shame you're not allowed to use your laptops during takeoff and landing).

[TS]

As Uncle Nury have said in so many words (Umberto Eco's younger brother?), it looks like Apple have sat themselves between five chairs.

We have had a netbook for a few years that we bring on our travels. In fact I'm using it right now, as our stuff still hasn't made it down under from the UK.
I could imagine replacing it with an iPad once we have to put it to sleep, but there will probably be other, better and cheaper options once that happens.
Someone might invent one with a keyboard.

[Lift Lurker]

@Karuna, my RSS feed is set to alert me whenever some barbarian talking about jumping in my lift. Please no jumping! You can raise hands like riding roller-coaster or you can chain fardel. Both are civilised behaviour.

@Steve E. Jobs (sej), we have found one use for iPad. We call it iLift (we are very imaginative). We replace lift numberpad with iPad. You control lift by sliding finger up if you want to go up, sliding finger down if you want to go do. But we get a lot of calls due to lifts suddenly lying on its side. We still trying to figure out cause.

@TS, Lift Lurker is impressed you read Umberto Eco. Do you read while riding lift like normal people?

[Christy]

@ Karuna, GREAT IDEA!

I'm particularly enthusiastic about jumping in lifts, if only to spite Lift Lurker. ;-P

[sej]

With present laptops, we are stuck with the keyboard. With a i-pad "like" device, we get the freedom to choose keyboards and how we position it.

Are we talking iPads or iPad like devices?

I have a four year old Toshiba laptop (tablet). I can fold the screen flat back over the laptop itself, and hold it like a clipboard. I can position the screen either in landscape mode, or portrait mode - and the laptop will work out automatically which one I want. I also have the option of using on-screen keyboard, which I can use with either my finger or a stylus. Better yet, I can also use the stylus to handwrite notes, with the option of having the system convert it into typed text.

Okay, the layout of the onscreen keyboard is not great, the handwriting to text function is only so-so, but you have to remember, this is a four year old laptop.

It seems to me, the iPad is really only designed for people to get (basic) information out of it, ie., do a basic search on Wikipedia, or view a clip on youtube, oops... Apple haven't included Flash, or read a book (which you can only do indoors because the screen isn't visible in bright sunlight).

At the end of the day, there is nothing intrinsically new in the iPad. Yes, they have improved some things, and completely ditched others, but this is a case of evolution, not revolution.

[Chamin]

When I was　in Singapore, one of my friends proved to us that he can stop a lift by jumping. We were around the 12th floor at the time, so everybody (especially the girls) gave him an earful :o)

[TS]

Chamin, you should have been screaming too: wait a minute..stop it,boy, what do you think you're
doing??? That's no way to treat an expensive
lift .....
But I feel like I'm stepping on LL' toes here...

Two poinst to whoever gets reference above.

[Angela]

Dear Lift Authority,

I wish to report a lift crime commited against my person this morning.

I got into the lift and was followed by a man who looks like Danny DeVito.
As the door closed and we begin to ascend, he put his backpack on the floor and and unzipped the front pocket of his bag to take out his ID.
It was all seemingly normal and ordinary moves until I caught his reflection in the mirrorred door, the smooth criminal was brazenly staring up my mini skirt. I felt so violated I could only freeze as we reached his floor and he alighted with a smug look on his criminal face.

Upon reaching my office, I quickly run to the safety of my desk and checked and was glad that I had put on a nice underwear today. Sigh!

[Lift Lurker]

@Angela, we are sorry to hear about your bad experience. There are many barbarians roaming around due to they had problems riding their plane back home recently.

We have started installing Dutch style doors on lifts so that people under 60 cm cannot get in anymore.

Meanwhile we have arrest three suspects who look like De Vito. Please come to police station and identify the right one: is it the blind man, or the woman, or the 8-year old boy. They all fit description.

Congratulations for coming long distance wedding. Enjoy lift ride to honeymoon suite and dont forget to unchain monsieur F.

[TS]

Aaaaah! Danny DeVito is cute.

[fardel]

Mini skirt in an elavator in singapore?
humm
Isn't that a little out of place, when you were supposed to get married in Hong Kong?