7 Worst Celebrity Dads

 

Idea: let’s stop worshipping morons

Don’t you just LOVE celebrities? I do.

I like them fried, boiled or fricasseed. I particularly like to see them on the “court proceedings” page of the newspapers, and some look really good on the obits page.
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Celebs were on my mind after a reader set me an interesting challenge. “I just read an article saying that ‘celebrities make great dads’. Can you comment?” he wrote.

After giving the matter a great deal of thought—almost two-billionths of a second—I came to an important conclusion. One should NEVER read emails before your first coffee.

I raced to the nearest Starbucks for an espresso. “Gimme a double,” I said. The barista went into the back room and came out with this guy who looked EXACTLY like me. No, actually, I’m waiting for that day.
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But after fortifying myself with legal drugs (good grief, when and how did I become a responsible adult?), I went back to my desk and read the article that the reader had attached.

It came from a Canadian magazine called Sympatico and it said: “Everyday dads can take tips from celebrity fathers.” (I took this personally, realizing that the word “everyday” in that sentence meant “pathetic non-celebs like you, Mr Jam”.)

The piece went on to list male movie stars who had been seen in their presence of their children, sometimes more than once. Some celebrity dads had been heard to call their children by their first names, occasionally even GETTING THEM RIGHT. Wow.

Reading this left me open-mouthed with admiration. It must take an astonishing amount of skill to write a feature so irritating that it was almost impossible to read without actually murdering the next person you see.
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An hour or so later, after mopping up the blood of the unfortunate people who crossed me, I made a list of celebrity dads.

 

1. Sports star OJ Simpson chopped off the head of his children’s mother.

 

 

2. Woody Allen loved his partner’s daughter. A bit too much.

 

 

3. Actor Ryan O'Neal recently went to his wife’s funeral and promptly started flirting with someone he later described as “a beautiful blond woman”. He thought she looked Swedish and asked if she had a car so they could go somewhere.

She stopped him by pointing out that she was his child. “Daddy, it’s me,” she said.

 

 

4. Singer Pete Doherty’s two children have different mothers. He sees one child occasionally but never refers to the other. When a reporter asked him to say something about his secret second child, he said: “Poor #$%&-er.”

 

 

 

5. Michael Jackson liked children. A lot. All his children (even the girl) were given the name Michael and removed from their mothers. While promising to be a good father, he blew his entire fortune on useless items such as statues, fell into debt, and got himself addicted to deadly drugs. The picture at the top of the page shows him dangling a baby out of a window.

 

 

6. Singer John Phillips loved his daughter. Let’s not go there.

 

 

7. When the daughter which rock star Steven Tyler had ignored her whole life grew into beautiful actress Liv Tyler, he said, “I wish I’d changed her nappies.”
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So, in conclusion, there’s a lot to be said for being a poor nobody. Celebrities often make terrible parents. Almost as bad as journalists. Now don’t get me started on THEM.
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ON ANOTHER SUBJECT…
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FARDEL REALLY EXISTS:
SEVERAL PEOPLE in the gang of folk who comment on this website went to meet fardel yesterday, a Frenchman living in the Caribbean who has become well known as a commentator on this site.

Unfortunately this did not mean that we could go to his glorious holiday island. Instead, he came to Hong Kong, where quite a few of us hang out.

We can confirm (see picture) that he really exists—and is just as eccentric as he sounds. He’s been an international yachtsman, a pilot and many other things—and now he is running an air operation. Below (left to right) you can see Mr Jam, fardel, Karuna, and Audrey, my publisher.

On Saturday, we’re going to take him to the Peak and throw him off (not really). Then we’ll go for a bite somewhere. If anyone wants to join us, email me – nury (at) vittachi (dot) com.

Comments

[Jason]

How about celebrity parents that name their kids oddball things. Frank Zappa (Dweezil, Moon Unit), Jason Lee (Pilot Inspektor), Penn Jillette (Moxie CrimeFighter)

Tell us Nury, you are a celebrity dad, what are your tips?

[Paul]

Let us not forget “The Hoff” better know as David Hasselhoff who claims he asked his daughter to film him being drunk so that he could “see how he behaved while intoxicated”. You can see the famous clip here and wonder just who is acting more like an adult.

Perhaps Mr. Hasselhoff is simply the penultimate method actor in doing research for roles about drunken celebs who are past their prime... ;-)

[Thiru Cumaran]

Though he became a celeb only last year, I feel that Josef Fritzl deserves an honourable mention for having "protected" his daughter from the outside world and having sired children with her in order to "protect" her from the *ahem ahem* of sick & perverted males! :P

http://www.cricinfo.com/db/PICTURES/CMS/59300/59355.jpg

I suppose that this man, too, deserve a mention as a celebrity. The former Aussie cricket player, Jason Gillespie, has a child from his earlier relationship, named Sapphire! :S

TomKat's daughter, Suri, also deserves a mention. In Tamil, Suri loosely translates to "Woman who behaves more like a man", though I should suppose that they were unaware of this when naming the poor kid! :D

[TS]

Seeing fardel with that expression on his face, I'm not sure I want to know where your other hand is...

[Dancer]

Nury, either you didn't get my emails or I am not welcome to the gathering. My emails (including TS's lunch before) were not replied about the date and time. If the reason is the latter, just be direct so I don't have to bother.

[Angela]

Looks like cardboard cut-out to me.

How about DNA samples?

[Karuna]

Angela, I was there. Fardel is real. I touched him....
opppps..
I mean like touch his hand, shoulder... you know what I mean...

[Fardel]

I am in Karuna's office right now.
I am real
You would have known if you had come for your wedding

[Angela]

well, well, well...

I am with TS on this, I don't think I am strong enough to want to know where karuna touched fardel. I just hope the touching did not happen inside a lift.

And Nury, have you checked your spam folder? I had some problems last month when my work email routed very important mails to the spam folder.

[Dancer]

Apologies to Fardel.
I would have liked to see for myself the real Fardel as well.

[Nury]

Hi, Dancer, there must be email problem. I definitely responded to your emails -- last time I wrote was at 3.45 on Tuesday.

Anyway, let me repeat what I said then, which was that we are arranging to do a proper meet-the-gang get together on Saturday. Yesterday's thing was just a small meeting to welcome fardel and ask him what he wants to do on Saturday.

I also said in the email that it would be nice to meet your husband, in case he too is free... He must be a great guy to attract someone like you!

Paul is not free until after lunch, so the current plan is to meet at teatime on Saturday, walk around the Peak, and then head off for some food together. Do PLEASE join us if you can spare the time!

Jason and his wife may join us, too, which will be fun, as I don't think any of us have met them.

Any other readers fancy tagging along? I promise to share some interesting (but not printable yet) news about who else is reading our ramblings!

[farah]

i have a splendid suggestion...all of you fly down to Bangladesh :)

[Karuna]

@Angela, I can assure you there was no lifts involved.

[Christy]

@ Nury: Sign me up! :)

@ Karuna: Don't mention the L-word!!! It's taboo in the you-know-what culture!

[Jason]

The missus says she doesn't want to join us Saturday. Perhaps if the predatory Angela was coming, the wife would show up to defend her territory! ;-)

[Angela]

hahaha...

The predatory Angela is heart broken because Fardel chose Karuna over her.

well, whatever Karuna can do, Angela can do better, inside or outside the Lift.

[Lift Lurker]

@Dancer, it's ok. I checked most common lies and "I definitely responded to your emails" was not one of them. So Nury is telling truth.

You can double check:
http://mrjam.typepad.com/diary/2009/02/bending-the-truth.html

@Nury, the agenda for Saturday does not mention lift and chains and photo inside lift. Please know I know the difference between a real lift and a photoshop lift.

[Nury]

Let's meet on Saturday, show fardel some of the sights, and then find a computer where we can do a video link with Angela -- do you have a skype address or would you mind setting one up, Angela? My skype address, you can probably guess, is mrjam01. Would you have some time in the evening to log on to Hong Kong? And what about you, Lift Lurker? Farah? Mahjujah? Sej? TS? Rest of the gang? we could check out just how tech-savvy we are.

[TS]

I have sent a Skype contact request to you.

[fardel]

@Uncle Nury
It looks to me that you have created the first global gang of mischievious mischiefs.

@Lift lurker

This is a formal complain
After three minutes of waiting on the 11 floor, I got in with two more passengers (i.e sardines) to go down to 1 floor.
One passenger presses #7
Tha next one pressed #3 and walked out
When the door opened I was at floor 19 but there was no one there.
The lift went down and stopped at floor #9 ; there was no one there either
After 4 minutes on going up and down I ended finally at 1 floor.
Imagine what would happen if we were to fly airlines the way you operate your elevators .....

[Chamin]

Too bad, it is not that far compared to the Caribbean, but I don't get to meet Fardel. See you guys, when you come to Japan or I go to Hong Kong!

[Paul]

Uncle N and gang,

Skype is a fine choice for one to one, but if multiple people would like to link up for a group video conference I think another alternative to Skype might be Tinychat ( http://tinychat.com/ ) it's a free web based service with minimal setup and allows up to 12 video feeds at once as well as chat.

Users would not need to download any software, they would just need to go to the URL that would be created by Uncle N when he sets up the room. Just one possible alternative to consider (I am sure there are others that fellow posters might have used as well).

:)

[Angela]

I am leaving tomorrow evening and will check with hotel if they have internet. I hope they do. But please no skype wedding. I intend to remain single and predatory.

Please tell me also what timezone we are skyping or tinychatting coz I will be an hour behind Singapore time. Looking forward to chatting with the gang.

Chamin you must join if you can.

If LL does not join I might just commit a lift crime.

[sej]

Uncle Nury,

What time on Saturday were you thinking?

[sej]

ps: I'm not an athiest, I'm a sejist!

[tamanna]

i agree with farah:D

[Mahjuja]

Very nice of you to invite, Mr. Jam, problem is, the net speed here is sooo slow, I sometimes have trouble reading and posting comments here!But if you could take the trouble to give the time in GMT and means of the chat, I'll definitely give it a shot. :-)

P.S. I think celeb dad Jude Law needs an honorable mention in this post.

[Dancer]

@Nury

Thanks for clearing that up. So apparently, you can get my emails but I can't get yours. Bummer....

@Lift Lurker
Thanks for the reassurance. I'll keep that in mind.

[Lift Lurker]

@Fardel - this is 4th time this problem happen for past twenty yrs. It's becoming too frequent. We apologies for the inconvenience.

It is so embarassing. I think because some lift managers have call centre background where important thing is number of passengers processed per minute rather than convenience of passengers.

We call it 'unscheduled stopover' (maybe a new term for you since no such thing in airline industry where passenger either reach destination or never will).

We will urgently look into it as soon as we finish celebrating my daugther's 18th debut party (she is 6 yrs old so please be patient).

[Angela]

i have been trying to login to skype for the past 30 mins unsuccessfully.

angela888886

will get my laptop and try again, this computer is slower than lift in my building.

helloooo gang!!!

[TS]

Hmmm the gang are not doing so well in the internet communications side of things.

Angela, once you get to login, I bet your Skype line will be one of the busiest on Earth.

[fardel]

Hey guys and girls
Back on the internet after five long difficult days ( I am talking about my waist line,and my shoe soles).
Is was a great wedding, oops I forget , the bride never showed up.
No sense of humor
The lady at the counter just advised me that I could not be seated where i expected>
I told her that if necessary , i could take the pilot seat.
If you do not read the end of this message, it will mean that she called securit...............................aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[Angela]

I still dont believe fardel is real. I think he is just a cardboard cut out. Proof? He wears the same clothes and have same haircut as in his gang photo. Real people dont wear same clothes the day their photo is taken. Only cardboard cut out keeps showing up in the same clothes and haircut in different places.

Boy am I glad I did not get phone married to a cardboard cut out!!!

[fardel]

arrghj
women....
They would pick at anything to prove that they are right

[Chamin]

As for haircut, I decide the length while my hair decides the style. I can comb it, brush it, whatever, but within 15 minuts it returns to what it wants. So, in the end, many of my photos have the same hairstyle.

[ardelf]

same hair problem here

[Eric Schiffer Fanatic]

Sad, very sad...

[adeen]

All the fathers on here suck especially Ryan O'Neal and John Philips!

[adeen]

And Michael Jackson wasn't that bad! That was just a mistake but all the others especially Ryan O'Neal can just go somewhere and get lost. John Philips are dead and although I am 16, I think I know too much about celebrities for my own good. I know about most celebrities and yes even Elizabeth Taylor, Jack Nicholson and the celebrities of my generation like Justin Bieber, Kim Kardashian, Miley Cyrus etc, whom I follow more than Ryan O'Loser and his daughter, Tatum and other older celebrities.