Drama at the airport

The boarding gate is a dangerous place for people with big mouths

SO THERE I WAS, walking through the airport, telling a colleague about a recent function at which I appeared as a comedian. “Everyone sat there grim-faced,” I said. “I totally bombed.”

He leapt away from me as if I had given him an electric shock. At first I thought maybe people don’t like being seen with failed comedians. I can see why.

But after furtive glances to the right and the left, he re-joined me and explained. “You cannot use THAT WORD anywhere in an airport these days,” he said. “It’s illegal. You could get us locked up. Lots of people already have been.”

I nodded. “Of course. How stupid of me. I promise not to use the word ‘comedian’ again.”

He shook his head. “Not comedian. The other word you used. The one beginning with B.”

I wracked my brain. “Buttock? Bimbo? Booty? Bottom?” Of course I knew exactly what he was talking about, but who can resist making squirmy people squirm?

But I knew what he was saying was true. A reader had just emailed me a true story about a woman at an airport in the US last week who decided to try out the new paperless boarding pass service. Instead of giving you a bit of card too big for your pocket or wallet, the airline beams a machine-readable image to your phone. You show it to at the boarding gate, and the attendant zaps it with his laser gun.

Well, she approached the boarding gate and showed the attendant her iPhone. The staffer shouted to his colleague: “Hey, hand me the gun.” He froze, realizing what he had just done. People in uniforms rushed over and brought the boarding operation to a halt.

It was curious. This excessive law was clearly designed to help airport workers fulfill the pledge they make when they get their jobs:

“I promise to do all that is within my power to make passengers’ lives as miserable as possible, so help me God.”

But in this case, it was an airport worker who had fallen foul of the rule.

The miserable man explained that he merely requested the laser “thing”.

The passenger explained that she understood him to be merely asking for the laser “thing”.

The other staff explained that they were sharing a laser “thing”.

The security guards admitted that they understood that he was making a reasonable request to be handed the laser “thing”.

But the codicil to the law prohibiting the mention of guns and bombs in airports goes like this:

“All excuses, HOWEVER REASONABLE, will be disregarded in accordance with the principle that governs airport management: Common sense will be ignored and over-reaction will always be the minimum reaction.”

This technically made it impossible for the security men to NOT arrest him.

But uniform-wearers hate to arrest each other. So, after making him promise to use the word “portable scanning device” instead of “the other word” in future, officers walked away.

I told my buddy: “Don’t worry, I won’t use illegal words near the boarding gate. I’m not a BOMBastic guy GUNning for trouble.”

He told me to shut up.

I told him: “I’ve only just beGUN. Did you know the three-letter airport code for the airport in Mumbai is BOM?”

He raced for cover.
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(The lord of darkness queues at the security gate)
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Technorati Tags: airport humor,airport security

Comments

[fardel]

Obviously,
You are lucky !
Making pictures on an airport is also prohibited.
Maybe they needed evidence of your felony.

0(°_°)0

[Stephen]

Check out what mrlim has to say about this: http://www.mrlim.com/2007/03/all-your-bomb-are-belong-to-us-civil-aviation-authority-of-singapore-caas/

[Foxlore]

I was flying back to Hong Kong from Florida on Dec 27th just after the attempted bombing attempt of flight 253 on the 25th. Security was tight but by no means overzealous as I had expected.

Recently I read several articles like this one which claimed that international criminals are looking for surgeons who implant explosives in people, which would be detonated by a chemical injection. This made me think of two things; first that the criminals in question finally got around to seeing The Dark Knight

And that ultimately TSA is going to need to build a better mousetrap. I personally am holding out for something akin to full x-ray scanner Total Recall

Of course…the rads coming out of such a device would likely mean frequent flyers would soon be free of those nasty sex-oriented side effects know as having children and after so many trips they would get a free bonus appendage. ;-)

[Rika]

Whoops, I took pictures at Madrid airport AND posted them on the internet... sh.. I think I heard a knock at the door... gotta go....

[Rika]

Whoops, I took pictures at Madrid airport AND posted them on the internet... sh.. I think I heard a knock at the door... gotta go....

[TS]

I guess you shouldn't play a certain song by Barry Mann & The Halos too loudly on your mp3 player :-)

[Harry]

A friend of mine is named "John" and called by many, "Jack". He was walking down the aisle, boarding his plane, when a friend, who was already seated, spotted him.
"Hi, Jack!"
Friend dragged off plane, kicking and screaming.
Joke, but in future I shall avoid addressing Jack in those words.

[Sabrina]

"Hi, Jack!"

~ Sounds like a dialog bit from an 80s movie (if I'm not mistaken, it's Airplane!)

Has the over-reaction in airports occurred since that era?

[Chamin]

I took only one flight before September 11th 2001. That was much better. No need to take laptops out, no need to take shoes off. There was a scanning gate, but the security officer even smiled at me (by the way, that was Colombo Airport. Sri Lankans and other South Asians have more smiles than many others).